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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found bf looking up ex.

148 replies

trisha30 · 18/01/2022 14:53

A bit of background..I have been with boyfriend for 5 months. Iam 21 he is 23. Before me he had been in a very intense 5 yr relationship..they went through uni together.went travelling together and lived together.
He met me last summer and he was still with the ex but going through a rough patch. We worked together at the time and got close..Iam not proud of myself but I fell hard for him..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

His ex found out about us and threw him out..we got closer and had a wonderful 3 weeks together during which he said it was definitley over with ex and he wanted to be with me.
Ex got back in touch to talk..he ended up dumping me and getting back with ex telling me he still loved her. This lasted 2 days and he came back to me..ex found out and it was a big mess..they rowed and blocked each other on everything.

That was months ago and we have been togther and happy since. We even went on holiday togther a couple of montha ago. He is my world but I cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that he might still pine after ex.

I found out although he doesnt know I know..that he made a secret instagram account and has been looking up his exes profile every week since the break up. Looking at her pictures and all her recent postings I presume.
Why? I dont understand,,is this normal? One time it said he logged in to secret account at 1am!
Shall I confront him?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 18/01/2022 16:00

@trisha30

Does it mean he is interested in her though?
Of course it does.
flickeringgreenlight · 18/01/2022 16:00

@trisha30

For everyone saying iam stupid.. I get it. Its not that iam not listening.. Iam. I guess iam just trying to think of other explanations. Iam not totally ignoring everyone.. I just think you might not understand the full story.. Or maybe you do. He says he loves me and acts like he loves me and I have to give that some credit.
With all due respect OP, I think it's you who is not understanding this whole story. This who left whom and when is utterly childish. Rest assured, we absolutely understand what's going on and if this is indeed a genuine thread, you need to give your head a wobble. You come across very young and naive, so much it's actually verging on being quite unbelievable, hence people thinking you are a troll.
Freecuthbert · 18/01/2022 16:02

Also OP why do you believe the bullshit he's feeding you? He fed the same to her and more, trust me. I bet he was slagging you off to her when they got back together.

MrsTrumpton · 18/01/2022 16:02

The question you need to ask yourself is would he be with you if she hadn't found out in the first place and chucked him out?

I'm going to guess probably not. Sorry, but I fear you may be his consolation prize.

Ohmybod · 18/01/2022 16:03

He is wonderful in every way??

He cheated on his GF with you! Emotional affair if not physical. Then he, immaturely, lurched between you both. And is already going behind your back with secret accounts.

You need to get out of this relationship quick before you accept this sort of behaviour as the norm. Raise your bar and relocate your self respect!

Grida · 18/01/2022 16:04

I had an ex like this. He told his new girlfriend that he had left me but actually I dumped him when he cheated on me. He remained interested in me for a long time. He wasn’t faithful to his new girlfriend. He found the drama entertaining.

eldora · 18/01/2022 16:04

I’ve had ex’s like this, she will always be the one who got away for him.

He will keep looking her up for the next 10 years at least, and more.

Decide now if you can live that.

dworky · 18/01/2022 16:09

'Wonderful in every way' men do not do the dirty on their partners, you are lying to yourself.
Let him go, have more faith in yourself &, if necessary, find someone who actually is decent.

Scrabblecrabapple · 18/01/2022 16:09

..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

Is he? Cause he sounds like a cheating dick head

MrsPotatoHead22 · 18/01/2022 16:11

Please get some dignity girl.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/01/2022 16:14

What does he do that shows you he loves you? How is he a loving caring boyfriend to you?

All I'm seeing is he cheats, he lies, he messes around with two women and he's still hung up on his ex.

However, I don't know him. So how does he show you he loves you?

1940s · 18/01/2022 16:16

@trisha30

Does it mean he is interested in her though?
He's in love with her. He made a silly mistake as she was probably the only person he has ever been with so his immaturity got the better of him when he met you and he lusted after you. But he loves her and probably has intense regrets about what he's done, but he sees it as 'if I leave OP I might not even get ex back so I will stay'
miamor · 18/01/2022 16:17

He might not be interested in her but it's still a very shady thing to do. I think the way he went back and forth between you two is more of a red flag tbh- if he loves you and didn't want to be with her why did he dump you and go back to her that time?? It's hard to hear but you probably like him more than he likes you. try to find someone who gives you the respect you deserve x

MangoLipstick · 18/01/2022 16:18

If he was completely over his ex, he would not keep looking her up. Even if he just wanted to be friends with her, you don’t keep checking up on someone like that…its probable he still has some romantic feelings for her, they did share 5 years together.

Sorry op, I wouldn’t stick around if I was you. He cheated on her with you, not a great start to any relationship…

Clumsyvolcano · 18/01/2022 16:19

He is not wonderful, he’s a prick. You sound naive. Increase your standards, he’s taking you for a complete mug.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/01/2022 16:21

@trisha30

I appreciate all the advice but I need to make it clear that he left her.. Not the other way around. So if he left her why would he want her back?
Of course he left her Hmm, I wonder who told you that.
girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 16:23

She found us together and the whole confrontation was in front of me. She told me he had been saying he loved her and wanted to plan a holiday together.. He had told her he didn't love me.

He told you he doesn't love her and told her he doesn't love you.
Why do you believe he doesn't love her but does love you?

He wants to sleep with you both.

You're 21. Life's too short. It shouldn't be this complicated. Go and find someone who doesn't make you question their feelings.

You know secret accounts and stalking your ex isn't normal.

AllKindsOfWrong · 18/01/2022 16:24

Have I stumbled upon the Cathy and Claire page??

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/01/2022 16:27

And we booked a holiday together straight away. Why would he do that if he didn't love me?

He fancies a holiday and you'll willingly shag him while he's there. Duh.

Anyway, whoever said he had a grass is greener moment over you, and is now thinking he made a mistake, but won't leave you because his ex won't have him back. It's that. He is checking what she's doing and if she has a new boyfriend.

anon12345678901 · 18/01/2022 16:29

Well you don't sound like a fantastic person and I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you. Nor can you complain if he does. He's making secret accounts to spy on her, he wouldn't do that if he didn't want to know about her and her life.he left because you got caught, it forced his hand. Not because he was desperately in love with you.

VanGoghsDog · 18/01/2022 16:30

@trisha30

He only wanted her as a friend. She wouldn't allow that though.. He couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her again so he briefly dumped me and went back to her because he was so upset at the thought of losing her completely. But he realised he missed me and came back to me.
Remember, you only know what he's told you and he has a vested interest to be untruthful.
mumpower3 · 18/01/2022 16:31

When you say "work" do you mean school?

Basically as per usual he couldn't keep his cock in his pants.... things went a little shit at home (because of this!!) he then realised his "mistake" which by then was too damn late!! She was wise and told him to fuck off!! and there you was waiting with open arms.

Wow. Sounds like a fairytale! Hmm

TheCatterall · 18/01/2022 16:31

Dear god. Could you be any more deluded. He is only thinking with his dick. You offered him an interesting new bed partner and he took the available opportunity. Girlfriend finds out. He tells her you mean nothing. With you there. That doesn’t work. He tells you she means nothing. You are gullible enough to believe it.

You are ignoring the responses that don’t help make an imaginary life where making a secret Instagram account to spy on the ex girlfriend he fucked over a rational, reasonable thing to do.

Have some respect for yourself. Move on. Because you can guarantee he will sooner or later to the next doe eyed ‘but he really loves me’ victim.

2022success · 18/01/2022 16:31

Oh OP I want to shake you!!

Why are your surprised? This man is a cheat.

Dump him and find someone who isn't already attached.

lynntheyresexswappers · 18/01/2022 16:37

Planning a holiday with you doesn't mean he loves you. He got caught out with you, she dumped him. You're a rebound. He didn't want to be with you, he wanted to be with her. You were a bit on the side that was only good enough when she got rid.

Read this until it sinks in.