Found bf looking up ex.

[trisha30]

A bit of background..I have been with boyfriend for 5 months. Iam 21 he is 23. Before me he had been in a very intense 5 yr relationship..they went through uni together.went travelling together and lived together.
He met me last summer and he was still with the ex but going through a rough patch. We worked together at the time and got close..Iam not proud of myself but I fell hard for him..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

His ex found out about us and threw him out..we got closer and had a wonderful 3 weeks together during which he said it was definitley over with ex and he wanted to be with me.
Ex got back in touch to talk..he ended up dumping me and getting back with ex telling me he still loved her. This lasted 2 days and he came back to me..ex found out and it was a big mess..they rowed and blocked each other on everything.

That was months ago and we have been togther and happy since. We even went on holiday togther a couple of montha ago. He is my world but I cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that he might still pine after ex.

I found out although he doesnt know I know..that he made a secret instagram account and has been looking up his exes profile every week since the break up. Looking at her pictures and all her recent postings I presume.
Why? I dont understand,,is this normal? One time it said he logged in to secret account at 1am!
Shall I confront him?

It can be hard to get over someone. Especially if you've gone through formative experiences together, like uni, traveling.

He probably still thinks of the time they had together, things they did. He might not really think getting back together is realistic, but checking what she's up to all the time isn't healthy and does indicate he isn't over her.

Of course he'd tell you it's you he really loves when she's just ended things.

It sounds like he's been an idiot and dishonest with you both and I would definitely question whether his feelings for you are genuine.

Oh lord, when you come back to this thread in 2 years like your going to palm face yourself so bad.

Please take a step back and look at all the information you have, your being very naive (no offence) he is literally screaming what he wants and your not listening.

@Merryoldgoat 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

What do you want here? If you want drama, doubt and distrust, then crack on, because you've found your perfect man. If you want a settled, happy, hopeful future then you are barking up entirely the wrong tree I'm afraid.

One of the great benefits of middle age is that it strips out any tolerance you might have had for faffing about and pointless drama. As a young woman, I would absolutely have got all caught up in the drama, as you have. 30 years on, he'd be getting his marching orders!

@trisha30

They must have been in a rough patch because he fell for me. He is the perfect boyfriend except for this secret account and looking her up? Could there be an innocent explanation? I do love him but I don't want to be niave.

bahahaha, not to be a troll hunter but...............

Nice try, OP. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
No-one is this fucking obtuse in reality.

He a liar, he's manipulative, your relationship started with him cheating on his ex, he goes back and forth between the two of you, he desperately wants to be 'friends' with her, he has set up secret accounts that he can stalk her on.

He's not who you want him to be, you can delude yourself forever if you want but confronting him or not confronting him is irrelevant.

He couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her again so he briefly dumped me and went back to her because he was so upset at the thought of losing her completely. But he realised he missed me and came back to me.

And now secretly keeping tabs on his ex. So he still can't stand the thought of never having her in his life.
I don't actually think he knows what he wants so if I were you, I'd make it easier for him and decide. Leave him for good to find someone who treats you as if you were their world. Because you are clearly not this guy's world, sorry.

I appreciate all the advice but I need to make it clear that he left her.. Not the other way around. So if he left her why would he want her back?

@trisha30

If he loved her surely he wouldn't have left her for me?

He didn’t! She wouldn’t take him back after cheating so he came back to you for some sloppy seconds. Of course he can’t tell you that so he made up this story where he broke up with her but she initiating this total blocking nonsense.

Get a grip, finish it and stick to single people in future.

Just carry on as you are

Relationships that start this way, end this way

I thought this was going to be innocent enough, plenty of people look up ex's because they are curious/ nosey.

He is clearly still in love with her. The fact that, that is coming across in a post where you are trying to make it look like he isn't in love with her makes it even more obvious. He is using you. Which I know is a horrible thing to hear. I feel for you. But leave him and move on you are worth a lot more. If you do decide to stay with him please for the love of god use reliable contraceptive like the implant a baby will make this situation 100 times worse.

He's snooping on her, you're snooping on him. You got together with him in dodgy circumstances. Not a relationship based on trust & honesty is it?

I assume you’re looking for a more sophisticated reason than ‘so he can fuck you both’?

I’d love to know when this happens to women: this abject lack of self respect.

He now knows he can tell you pretty much anything and you’ll just believe it.

You don’t want advice. You want people to say ‘he obviously loves you - crack on’ but he doesn’t. Love and respect are actions. You show them. And telling someone else the things he did to ex whilst supposedly with you shows his complete disdain for you.

For everyone saying iam stupid.. I get it. Its not that iam not listening.. Iam. I guess iam just trying to think of other explanations. Iam not totally ignoring everyone.. I just think you might not understand the full story.. Or maybe you do. He says he loves me and acts like he loves me and I have to give that some credit.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m getting strange vibes from this thread. I’m not saying the poster isn’t being honest, but something just feels a bit off with it all.

If you are being 100% honest with this post then please don’t ever lower your worth to a guy who clearly isn’t putting you first. I’m only a couple of years older than you but I can see that at 21 I would have been a lot more naive than I am now so you will probably look back at this in a few years and wonder why you ever wasted time on him. Let him go back to his ex and find someone who actually values you properly.

@trisha30

She found us together and the whole confrontation was in front of me. She told me he had been saying he loved her and wanted to plan a holiday together.. He had told her he didn't love me. She then stormed out the total blocking happened and he was crying and upset. He was worried I would leave him and told me he only said those things to ex because she manipulated him by saying they were having a final goodbye and couldn't speak again. He said it's me he loves. And we booked a holiday together straight away. Why would he do that if he didn't love me?

They definitely haven't spoken since as everything is blocked even phone numbers.

Yeah ... remind us again why you are obsessed with who he 'loves' more, instead of deciding he's a game-playing cheat & finishing with him?

Dumping you to go back to an ex is not someone showing you they love you.

@trisha30

I appreciate all the advice but I need to make it clear that he left her.. Not the other way around. So if he left her why would he want her back?

Some men like having a couple of women on the go.

Honestly when I read your thread title, I thought this is no big deal. I have looked up past boyfriends too, one from thirty years ago, I was just mildly interested, we are Facebook friends now, swapped a couple of messages when I found him five years ago, that is it, genuinely no more to it either side.

But no, this is not your situation. He is still interested in her, possibly still loves her. Regardless of what it is with her, he is not fully focused on you or his relationship with you.

This is going nowhere, I guarantee it. It might drag on for another two weeks, two months, maybe longer if you let it. But it isn’t going to end well for you if you leave it in his hands. He is playing you.

@trisha30

They must have been in a rough patch because he fell for me. He is the perfect boyfriend except for this secret account and looking her up? Could there be an innocent explanation? I do love him but I don't want to be niave.

You're on a wind up huh OP

And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re stupid at all like other posters have said. I think you’re young and have convinced yourself that this is love and how a relationship should be. It’s not. You deserve better. x

Oh God, each update gets worse.

HE.DOES.NOT.LOVE.YOU

Whatever he says, whatever he does. Cancel the holiday, recoup some of your money, then gather whatever dignity you have left and walk away.

In isolation, looking up an ex on social media. Not a big deal, people are nosy.

However it is so much more than that. The whole situation is just one big mess. He's using you. What he did to his ex was wrong and he won't hesitate to do the same to you. And he pretty much already did, no? Get some self-respect and stop letting him string you along.

And he is not your world ffs, you've been together for 5 months and I'm not even sure if that includes him dumping you and going back to her then back to you again.

Being blunt because you need it.

@trisha30

For everyone saying iam stupid.. I get it. Its not that iam not listening.. Iam. I guess iam just trying to think of other explanations. Iam not totally ignoring everyone.. I just think you might not understand the full story.. Or maybe you do. He says he loves me and acts like he loves me and I have to give that some credit.

@trisha30 He says he loves me and acts like he loves me so I have to give that some credit

No, you don't.