Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found bf looking up ex.

148 replies

trisha30 · 18/01/2022 14:53

A bit of background..I have been with boyfriend for 5 months. Iam 21 he is 23. Before me he had been in a very intense 5 yr relationship..they went through uni together.went travelling together and lived together.
He met me last summer and he was still with the ex but going through a rough patch. We worked together at the time and got close..Iam not proud of myself but I fell hard for him..I had never had a relationship before and he is just wonderful in every way.

His ex found out about us and threw him out..we got closer and had a wonderful 3 weeks together during which he said it was definitley over with ex and he wanted to be with me.
Ex got back in touch to talk..he ended up dumping me and getting back with ex telling me he still loved her. This lasted 2 days and he came back to me..ex found out and it was a big mess..they rowed and blocked each other on everything.

That was months ago and we have been togther and happy since. We even went on holiday togther a couple of montha ago. He is my world but I cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that he might still pine after ex.

I found out although he doesnt know I know..that he made a secret instagram account and has been looking up his exes profile every week since the break up. Looking at her pictures and all her recent postings I presume.
Why? I dont understand,,is this normal? One time it said he logged in to secret account at 1am!
Shall I confront him?

OP posts:
Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:17

He only wanted her as a friend. She wouldn't allow that though.. He couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her again so he briefly dumped me and went back to her because he was so upset at the thought of losing her completely. But he realised he missed me and came back to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:18

Do you all really think that he wants to be with her just because he is looking her up?

OP posts:
TheChip · 18/01/2022 15:20

Do you really think he would dump you and go back to her because he hated the thought of never seeing her again, if he wanted to be with you?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/01/2022 15:20

Has she told you all of this or has it come from him?

I'd put money on him going back to her and then her ending it again rather than him wanting to just be a friend.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 18/01/2022 15:21

@trisha30

If he loved her surely he wouldn't have left her for me?
He didn't leave her, she kicked him out.
AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2022 15:22

@trisha30

He never thought she would block him and never speak to him again he wanted to stay friends with her. I think that's why the secret account she has blocked all other avenues.. Why can't he let it go and just be happy with me?
He wanted to "stay friends with her" after he cheated on her and treated her like shit after 5 years together? He sounds like a real catch OP, enjoy!
Tothemoonandbackx · 18/01/2022 15:23

You aren't actually getting it are you....You're not really reading people's advice/responses. Why would SHE allow HIM to be her friend when he CHEATED on her with YOU!!! What world do you live in????? You need to do a bit of growing up I'm afraid.

HangOnToYourself · 18/01/2022 15:26

@TheChip

Do you really think he would dump you and go back to her because he hated the thought of never seeing her again, if he wanted to be with you?
Read this and read it again because it absolutely nailed it. This is him showing you what you mean to him. I'm sorry and I know it's not what you want to hear but this guy doesn't love you and he doesnt value you. If you stay with him you will regret it.
Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:27

She found us together and the whole confrontation was in front of me. She told me he had been saying he loved her and wanted to plan a holiday together.. He had told her he didn't love me. She then stormed out the total blocking happened and he was crying and upset. He was worried I would leave him and told me he only said those things to ex because she manipulated him by saying they were having a final goodbye and couldn't speak again. He said it's me he loves. And we booked a holiday together straight away. Why would he do that if he didn't love me?

They definitely haven't spoken since as everything is blocked even phone numbers.

OP posts:
User72614643 · 18/01/2022 15:30

"He was worried I would leave him and told me he only said those things to ex because she manipulated him by saying they were having a final goodbye and couldn't speak again. He said it's me he loves."
😂😂😂 yes he told you all that crap because the girl he loved just walked in on him having his cake and eating it. What an absolutely heartbreaking experience. He would have known she would never take him back after that, and there you have it, she immediately blocked him on everything. He doesn't want to be alone so you being second-best was all that was left so he told you a load of garbage. He's in the "honeymoon period" with you but there's only one person on his mind.

User72614643 · 18/01/2022 15:32

Also not clear why you think everything he told her was lies but everything he tells you is the gospel truth. Seems to me he just tells whoever what they want to hear.

Blossomtoes · 18/01/2022 15:32

She found us together and the whole confrontation was in front of me

You sat and watched her being humiliated? You didn’t leave? Wow.

Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:32

She didn't exactly kick him out.. They mutually agreed to have space and didn't speak for 3 weeks.. During which we became very close.. He was then going to tell her it was over completely but couldn't go through with it when he thought he wouldn't see her again. He realised his mistake though and came back to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:34

I didn't get a chance to leave the confrontation it all happened quickly.. She stormed in and then stormed out

OP posts:
User72614643 · 18/01/2022 15:34

@trisha30

She didn't exactly kick him out.. They mutually agreed to have space and didn't speak for 3 weeks.. During which we became very close.. He was then going to tell her it was over completely but couldn't go through with it when he thought he wouldn't see her again. He realised his mistake though and came back to me.
😂😂😂😂 you are insane. Confront him or don't confront him, will make absolutely zero difference. He will tell you a load of lies, again, and then carry on viewing her profile because he's obsessed with doing so.
AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2022 15:36

@trisha30

She found us together and the whole confrontation was in front of me. She told me he had been saying he loved her and wanted to plan a holiday together.. He had told her he didn't love me. She then stormed out the total blocking happened and he was crying and upset. He was worried I would leave him and told me he only said those things to ex because she manipulated him by saying they were having a final goodbye and couldn't speak again. He said it's me he loves. And we booked a holiday together straight away. Why would he do that if he didn't love me?

They definitely haven't spoken since as everything is blocked even phone numbers.

Grow up ffs
TheChip · 18/01/2022 15:36

I guess there is nothing we can say to help you see that you are walking yourself into heartache.

CLC22 · 18/01/2022 15:36

This thread is frustrating wow 🤦🏼‍♀️

TheChip · 18/01/2022 15:38

By the way, all men who start an affair, tell the other woman that their relationship is going through a rough patch. It's a classic.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 18/01/2022 15:39

He's obviously still in love with her or at the very least, still hung up on her, and you're a placeholder for company/sex. Get rid.

1forAll74 · 18/01/2022 15:41

You just seem to be filling in the small intervals in his life for now. Waiting around to see what he will do next, is not going to be much fun for you. It will be easy for him to try and fluff over his long time past relationship whilst you are in his life, but seemingly, his mind is elsewhere..

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2022 15:41

Another one. Low fucking standards.

Ignore all the signs. Carry on as you are.

Come back when you’re pregnant with Baby no. 3, no money because you stay at home because childcare is so expensive and he’s fucking someone else and you can’t leave.

No one should be your whole world. No one.

I’ve been with DH 16 years. I love him and he’s great. I’d be fine without him although I certainly don’t want that.

Give yourself a bloody talking to and move on.

Ikona · 18/01/2022 15:41

Reading your responses, you clearly want to believe him and have convinced yourself it's all innocent.
Of course it isn't, obviously he told you he said certain things to her and didn't mean them, if you dumped him he would be on his own and that's clearly what he's trying to avoid. Like many posters, I'd bet my entire life savings on him going back to her in a heartbeat if she asked.
It is frustrating as you're being told, doubtless by many posters who have been in similar situations, that he's taking you for a fool, but just keep justifying his behaviour. Sorry if that's harsh, but you asked AIBU, people said yes, but you keep defending him. He isn't worth your time or his ex's, she has the right idea and is no doubt much happier now.

Original poster
trisha30 · 18/01/2022 15:42

They must have been in a rough patch because he fell for me. He is the perfect boyfriend except for this secret account and looking her up? Could there be an innocent explanation? I do love him but I don't want to be niave.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2022 15:42

Actually this is a joke, isn’t it? No one is this stupid, surely?

Swipe left for the next trending thread