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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicked off while FIL in house

108 replies

Lucynamechange · 17/01/2022 22:31

I WFH as a lawyer. A lot of my hearings are on zoom. DH is home with kids at the moment as it is holiday time (we are not in UK).

Had a case conference on zoom (no video) and told DH everybody needed to be really quiet at time it was on. His FIL turned up to take kids out, I was assured they would be gone by time it started. Great.

I have a fraught history with FIL - he is a misogynist who once had a go at me for keeping my DH living overseas and for making him do loads around the house and with kids. In reality we share most responsibilities and DH just does his fair share which is unpalatable to FIL. He ended up apologizing but it has never been the same. It took me a long time to get over feeling like a shit and lazy mum.

Anyway FIL arrives, they are in the lounge, I go in before 10am to make a tea and remind them to be quiet. At 10.05am my DS5 gets home with his friend, all kids of noise starts. I mute myself and shout to them to be quiet. End up missing something that was said and had to ask for it to be repeated. Noise carries on as friend's nanny arrives at front door to see if they want to go out. You can imagine the stress.

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH. DH having a go back at me saying not his fault. FIL is upstairs listening. DH saying he "can't control" people coming to the door and making noise. I am saying you can tell them to stfu and move away, it is not hard. Kids were supposed to be going out!

Now it has cooled down I know FIL heard me and feel like crap. I know he'll be judging me because my DH can do no wrong. I am just so frustrated because I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously. FIL was not making noise but I thought they were all going out before 10am. If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

AIBU to be so bloody fed up.

OP posts:
DameCelia · 17/01/2022 22:34

No, YANBU to be so fed up.
If DH gets his work respected, so do you
And stop worrying what FIL thinks.

Freddiefox · 17/01/2022 22:42

I wouldn’t worry about your fil, you husband on the other hand is disrespectful.
But it is tough something trying to live in a space where someone is working and they want you to be quite.

Can you go to the office?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 17/01/2022 22:44

Give it up. FIL will never see you as good enough. If he did, he would have to confront his own stupid prejudice and bigotry. Let it go and you will be happier. He is a silly man, and not worth worrying about. As for DH, he needed to be more pro active!

Bonheurdupasse · 17/01/2022 22:47

Next say 5 times when this is relevant, make absolutely no effort to keep kids quiet / go out when DH needs silence.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2022 22:50

Don’t worry about FIL. His presence and opinion are neither here nor there.

Yes, you have a right to expect quiet if your DH expects the same!

MiddleClassProblem · 17/01/2022 22:51

I’m a bit confused. If one of your Ds’s didn’t come home until after 10 and with a friend, how could FIL take them out before?

Either way they really need to show some respect for work calls. I think you need to get a better system in place or if possible, set up for the call in a quieter part of the house.

timeisnotaline · 17/01/2022 22:56

Who cares what fil thinks? Next time dh is at work, tell the kids they are playing in his office for the next half an hour and usher them in. Your reason is that it’s not your personality type to accept double standards in a relationship, and as he knows there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about their personality type.

billy1966 · 17/01/2022 22:59

So your husband nor his father respect your job?

You don't sound happy.

You care far too much about your FIL's view of you.

Why is he staying with you if he is suchba PITA?

You need to give your husband a taste of how he behaves.

No wonder you sound so fed up, you are being disrespected by your husband.

Sort him out.

Ionlydomassiveones · 17/01/2022 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Kite22 · 17/01/2022 23:04

YABU
If people are working from home, stuff happens like doorbells ringing. YABU to get so worked up about it. YABU to expect complete silence in the house. No, I can't 'imagine the stress' as it wouldn't stress me.
If your work environment means there would be disapproval of any noise, then get headphones and a microphone.

Also, stop worrying about what your FiL thinks all the time. Though, that said, it isn't very good manners to argue with your spouse or have a go at them in front of any guests.

Am also confused how your FiL was supposed to take them out before 10 if your ds wasn't even home until 10.05

Serenschintte · 17/01/2022 23:05

I think they issue here is that the home is not a work environment. It’s a home.
So for calls such as these and alternate location need to be found.

Kite22 · 17/01/2022 23:05

Have you had a name change fail ?
Some of the replies seem to be from OP, but aren't highlighted as being so

Sherrystrull · 17/01/2022 23:08

Seriously? Go to the office. 5 year olds make noise. It miserable tiptoeing around the house.

Original poster
Lucynamechange · 17/01/2022 23:10

@Kite22

Have you had a name change fail ? Some of the replies seem to be from OP, but aren't highlighted as being so
Yes, that was me sorry - changed back without thinking!
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/01/2022 23:13

Next time he has a work call don't take them out give the same attitude back as he gives you

lottiegarbanzo · 17/01/2022 23:16

Stop caring about what your FIL thinks. He despises you already. That isn't going to change.

Your DH needs to be more truthful. You: 'can you make sure everyone is quiet from 10am?'. Him: 'No, can't be bothered really. Don't like telling people what to do'.

Why does he lie to you about his intentions?

Adeleskirts · 17/01/2022 23:18

Gosh this is all a surprise, my daughter is a lawyer and she’s fully able to work from home without all your drama, I guess every house and sensitivity level is different and you’ve just got something different going on there.

frazzledasarock · 17/01/2022 23:18

We’ve got designated work spaces in our house, which are relatively quiet even if kids are kicking off.

I wear a headset which tends to block out noise other than me speaking directly into the microphone.

You need to stet your work space up in a part of the house that won’t be affected too much by household noise.

And you do need to let your dc run riot when your h is on an important work phone call. Till he starts keeping control of the dc when you’re working.

You absolutely can WFH and expect your family to respect your needs. But you also need to balance that by ensuring you’re out of the way and using a headset whilst online so you’re not disturbed.

Nevermakeit · 17/01/2022 23:52

Which part of the house were you in? It sounds like you were in the room next door ? In this situation, if there is a specific very important call, I will literally climb up and sit in the attic to get as far away from the others as I can. If camera is off, there is no problem, and would rather be sitting on the floor in silence, than on a proper desk in a stressful noisy situation.
If kids are on holiday it's a bit unrealistic to expect them to be silent for ages, even though in theory it would be your right to do.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/01/2022 23:59

I don't get why you weren't in a room away from the front door. Would sound proofing in your home office help with this?

Flickflak · 18/01/2022 00:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HeddaGarbled · 18/01/2022 00:57

But ….. your FIL didn’t do or say anything wrong, did he?

I don’t understand why he’s the subject of your post.

Cross with noisy kids - reasonable
Struggling with WFH - reasonable
Cross with H for not keeping everyone quiet - 50/50
Cross with FIL for not doing anything wrong except in your head - bizarrely unreasonable

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2022 01:09

You're a grown woman, why on earth do you ever care what your FIL thinks? What he thinks isn't your business or concern.

Blossom64265 · 18/01/2022 01:43

DH and I are veterans of wfh with children.
There are two levels of calls.

The regular day to day calls you just have to set up your space to deal with normal household noise. Close doors. Get a headset. Strategically placed rugs and if necessary, sound dampening wall panels, though we never had to resort to that.

The super important calls that require absolutely no interruptions, the caregiver is notified in advance and arrangements are made for the children to be elsewhere or very occupied if they are old enough for that to work. It’s taken very seriously, but these are rare so it’s an all hands on deck sort of situation. Sometimes it even meant one or the other of us having to book an hour off to cover the other person’s call if the normal child care provider wasn’t in a position to provide the required full empty house for whatever reason

AdriannaP · 18/01/2022 01:50

Get a noise cancelling headset or Airpods.
As for the rest that’s working from home these days, your FIL is irrelevant here.