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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicked off while FIL in house

108 replies

Lucynamechange · 17/01/2022 22:31

I WFH as a lawyer. A lot of my hearings are on zoom. DH is home with kids at the moment as it is holiday time (we are not in UK).

Had a case conference on zoom (no video) and told DH everybody needed to be really quiet at time it was on. His FIL turned up to take kids out, I was assured they would be gone by time it started. Great.

I have a fraught history with FIL - he is a misogynist who once had a go at me for keeping my DH living overseas and for making him do loads around the house and with kids. In reality we share most responsibilities and DH just does his fair share which is unpalatable to FIL. He ended up apologizing but it has never been the same. It took me a long time to get over feeling like a shit and lazy mum.

Anyway FIL arrives, they are in the lounge, I go in before 10am to make a tea and remind them to be quiet. At 10.05am my DS5 gets home with his friend, all kids of noise starts. I mute myself and shout to them to be quiet. End up missing something that was said and had to ask for it to be repeated. Noise carries on as friend's nanny arrives at front door to see if they want to go out. You can imagine the stress.

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH. DH having a go back at me saying not his fault. FIL is upstairs listening. DH saying he "can't control" people coming to the door and making noise. I am saying you can tell them to stfu and move away, it is not hard. Kids were supposed to be going out!

Now it has cooled down I know FIL heard me and feel like crap. I know he'll be judging me because my DH can do no wrong. I am just so frustrated because I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously. FIL was not making noise but I thought they were all going out before 10am. If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

AIBU to be so bloody fed up.

OP posts:
CelestiaNoctis · 18/01/2022 01:53

Think it's time for a dance party with daddy next time he's on a work call. Buy all the kids silly string and party horns.

Original poster
Lucynamechange · 18/01/2022 03:35

@Blossom64265

DH and I are veterans of wfh with children. There are two levels of calls.

The regular day to day calls you just have to set up your space to deal with normal household noise. Close doors. Get a headset. Strategically placed rugs and if necessary, sound dampening wall panels, though we never had to resort to that.

The super important calls that require absolutely no interruptions, the caregiver is notified in advance and arrangements are made for the children to be elsewhere or very occupied if they are old enough for that to work. It’s taken very seriously, but these are rare so it’s an all hands on deck sort of situation. Sometimes it even meant one or the other of us having to book an hour off to cover the other person’s call if the normal child care provider wasn’t in a position to provide the required full empty house for whatever reason

Thank you for getting it. It was a super important type thing. DH knows this. I have calls and stuff all the time - don't expect house to be especially quiet. But this was important, a zoom thing not just a normal phone call, hence my stress levels.

Probably should not have posted. Really hard to get all points across in a short post.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2022 04:26

As your ds 5 was only next door, your dh should have ensured he was home by maybe 9:40 and out of the door well before 10. I agree with others about giving him a taste of his own medicine. ‘Not in his personality type to be so firm with people.” Lol you can have a field day with this.

phishy · 18/01/2022 04:43

Tell DH if he won’t protect your work time then you won’t protect his.

Respect and care works two ways.

FourPillars · 18/01/2022 04:56

OP do you use a headset? I certainly would suggest you should for the “super important” zoom calls, for a myriad of reasons when wfh.

DeadGood · 18/01/2022 05:16

“If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep”

“DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.”

Which is it? I’m not am doubting you OP, just wondering if your DH is capable of being “firm” when it comes to his interests but not yours?

bonetiredwithtwins · 18/01/2022 05:21

If it was such an important meeting I would have arranged to do it elsewhere

It's the holidays the kids are home I don't think you are being practical really

Justilou1 · 18/01/2022 05:22

If DH or FIL do bring it up, point out that DH rather enjoys benefiting from your lawyer’s salary. If he can’t remember basic information like the fact that you have an important case call, and follow through on his promise to take the kids out, then he should pretend that he is an adult just for a day and get everyone to STFU or there won’t be a salary to rely on.

phishy · 18/01/2022 05:25

@bonetiredwithtwins

If it was such an important meeting I would have arranged to do it elsewhere

It's the holidays the kids are home I don't think you are being practical really

Why should she, they can all be quiet for DH’s job but bot hers?
mathanxiety · 18/01/2022 05:38

I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously.

@Lucynamechange
This is on FIL, not you.

Do you really care what an aging misogynist thinks about you?

Your DH needs to be taken aside and spoken to.
Remind him that when you have asked for quiet it is his job to make that happen. If he won't ask people to be quiet when they arrive, then he needs to get children out of the house before people come bumbling up to the door.

Your work adds how much to the family income?
Remind him how much.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2022 05:41

@Adeleskirts, there are many different areas of practice in law.

A case conference such as the OP was on today might not be on every lawyer's calendar, depending on area of practice.

Rangoon · 18/01/2022 05:45

I too am a lawyer working from home and not in the UK. I have taken over my husband's office space and it is next to the kitchen. For various reasons it is not very soundproof and I swear that when I have started a teams call they flock to the kitchen like lemmings to boil the electric jug, start running water in the sink, and turn the dishwasher on. When one of them turns on the waste disposal unit, I will finally snap. To be fair, for the super important calls, my family do tend to respect the cone of silence. One of my caffeine addicted sons has taken to boiling the electric jug in a distant location in the house.

I don't give a rat's arse about most of my in laws though and haven't seen my MIL in maybe 15 years. My husband visits her on his own. She once told me I have difficult children as if it was only my DNA involved and that the ASD had suddenly materialised from my family rather than her bunch of weirdo relatives. (I mean that in a caring and sharing way of course and I am sure there is something noble in taking the bible literally and giving all your money to the poor leaving your own family close to destitution.)

Hopefully the OP and I don't actually know each other professionally.

SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch · 18/01/2022 05:52

If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

So why don't you insist on a similar arrangement for your own work? I think your DH is right in that he cannot control other people knocking on the door and talking, and to have opened the door and immediately barked at the caller to shut up and say nothing would be rude.

Why are you working from home? If you are conducting court hearings over zoom it sounds highly impractical to have any sort of potential distraction going on in the background - especially young kids.

You need to rent an office space or make your DH take the children out of the house, or hire a nanny and ask her to take them out.

Home is home. The office is the office. You can't turn the first into the second without having cast iron rules.

starrynight21 · 18/01/2022 05:53

I don't get why your FI L is in the title of your post. He is the one person who did absolutely nothing. Stop worrying about him, and get yourself the appropriate headphones so you can do your job without distractions.

Antsgomarching · 18/01/2022 05:54

Yeah its shit, ignore FIL, you only have so many fucks to give and you aren’t obliged to give him any of them. Get some headphones.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 18/01/2022 05:57

YA a bit U it's hard to keep a household quiet when someone is working.

You need a workspace well away from everyone and noise cancelling headphones.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2022 06:19

It's not really that hard.

The other parent just has to respect the worker and their work. The rest follows.

Diggersaursarethebest · 18/01/2022 06:30

Why are all these posters asking OP why she’s working from home like it’s her silly choice to try to do important conference calls in a house with a 5 year old! Covid is still causing lockdowns and restrictions in various parts of the world. I’m guessing this is not how OP dealt with calls in 2019.

Cherrysoup · 18/01/2022 06:38

Dunno why you care what your fil thinks.

I’d stop being so careful to get the kids out of the house for your DH’s calls. How come he requires silence for his calls but doesn’t care about yours?

YourenutsmiLord · 18/01/2022 06:41

You are making huge efforts to keep things quiet when DH is on work meetings - you have assumed (reasonably) that DH would do the same. He doesn't so you can stop doing it for him.

You need to think through why FIL's view is so important. Possibly a them DH+FIL against me set up. What can you do to fix your feelings on this.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 18/01/2022 06:42

I think WFH means you cannot expect absolute silence or, if you are so important that you can, try to soundproof a room (costs a few thousand, but not impossible).

I tend to agree about going in to the office, though, obviously, if in a country in lockdown, might not be possible.

FIL is a total red herring here. If you lose your temper, it is generally not good, especially in front of small children, and you need to look for another solution.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 18/01/2022 06:43

And the above goes for both you and your DH. Must be awful for the young children to have to walk on eggshells because their home has become an office for both their parents.

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 06:49

In future I think super important work calls need to happen outside the home if the kids are home.

You can't make a 5 year old be silent for a few hours or however long your call took.

trickytimes · 18/01/2022 06:58

Why aren’t you wearing noise cancelling headphones? Basic. With a mic? You can get really good headphones and this should be the first thing WFH people do. Your home is not an office and I think you’re in the wrong here. Sorry. I WFH and if I’m on an important call I go into an upstairs back bedroom with all doors shut plus headphones. Why don’t you have a garden office or an office in the loft or somewhere that is well away from family space? It’s your responsibility to remove yourself far from the family space. Sort yourself out. Your family shouldn’t have to be mice and your FIL did nothing wrong here.

Gilmorehill · 18/01/2022 07:06

Sorry but just because you are a woman working from home doesn’t mean you are more entitled to quiet from the rest of the family. My dh has worked from home for a very long time and over the years, I’ve stood my ground if he complained about reasonable noise from the dcs. It doesn’t mean I don’t respect him or his job but it is firstly a family home. Also,I think it’s very rude to tell people you expect them to ‘stfu’.

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