Kicked off while FIL in house

[Lucynamechange]

I WFH as a lawyer. A lot of my hearings are on zoom. DH is home with kids at the moment as it is holiday time (we are not in UK).

Had a case conference on zoom (no video) and told DH everybody needed to be really quiet at time it was on. His FIL turned up to take kids out, I was assured they would be gone by time it started. Great.

I have a fraught history with FIL - he is a misogynist who once had a go at me for keeping my DH living overseas and for making him do loads around the house and with kids. In reality we share most responsibilities and DH just does his fair share which is unpalatable to FIL. He ended up apologizing but it has never been the same. It took me a long time to get over feeling like a shit and lazy mum.

Anyway FIL arrives, they are in the lounge, I go in before 10am to make a tea and remind them to be quiet. At 10.05am my DS5 gets home with his friend, all kids of noise starts. I mute myself and shout to them to be quiet. End up missing something that was said and had to ask for it to be repeated. Noise carries on as friend's nanny arrives at front door to see if they want to go out. You can imagine the stress.

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH. DH having a go back at me saying not his fault. FIL is upstairs listening. DH saying he "can't control" people coming to the door and making noise. I am saying you can tell them to stfu and move away, it is not hard. Kids were supposed to be going out!

Now it has cooled down I know FIL heard me and feel like crap. I know he'll be judging me because my DH can do no wrong. I am just so frustrated because I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously. FIL was not making noise but I thought they were all going out before 10am. If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

AIBU to be so bloody fed up.

I want to redress the balance and say you and your space deserved the respect of their being quietness in the house. Your husband had agreed to the space being quiet, he should have respected it.

WFH is challenging. There are many anecdotes of women being afforded less respect in this than men, from their partners, their employers and also themselves by not insisting that their work at times, come first.

The issue with your FIL is another point. He doesn’t respect you or your job. That’s not going to change any time soon.

@Blossom64265

DH and I are veterans of wfh with children. There are two levels of calls.

The regular day to day calls you just have to set up your space to deal with normal household noise. Close doors. Get a headset. Strategically placed rugs and if necessary, sound dampening wall panels, though we never had to resort to that.

The super important calls that require absolutely no interruptions, the caregiver is notified in advance and arrangements are made for the children to be elsewhere or very occupied if they are old enough for that to work. It’s taken very seriously, but these are rare so it’s an all hands on deck sort of situation. Sometimes it even meant one or the other of us having to book an hour off to cover the other person’s call if the normal child care provider wasn’t in a position to provide the required full empty house for whatever reason

Yep this.

I had one of these incidents.
Between my oblivious mother, my DH and 2 dogs they managed to totally fucking ruin the biggest meeting of the year.
I was invited as a guest speaker to present to my wider company work I had done /a project I had managed.
They were 300 people including several VPs and the most senior female in our company (no 3 in a company of almost 50,000 employees).
When the pair of them started I managed to mute myself to say stfu only to be completely ignored by the pair of them...
I was a stuttering mess as doors were banged kettles were boiled, dogs barked and yelped and the pair of them were loudly chatting shit and laughing.
As an added bonus my stuttering hesitant inarticulate ramblings were recorded for posterity and watched by a further 500 employees 👍

Afterwards they said they heard me but... My dh didn't know it was "that call today" and my mum insisted "it wasn't that loud"
I lost it totally, broke down crying told them how important it was and what thoughtless sods they were. I then got the recording up and told them to watch every second of it while I went for a walk to calm down

It was honestly not good and both had the decency feel terrible, (finally) apologise and look sheepish when I returned.

My mother clearly realised what a dick she was and now bothers to check before arriving and leaves when I need her to leave, instead of banging around loudly "helping clean"

my DH now blocks my big meeting in his work calendar and we have a similar system to this in place. He literally takes the dog out and we have a sign that basically tells delivery men not to knock.

The point on your FIL is a separate one though - he is clearly under your skin and has free rent living in your mind. You need to address that and get into a diff headspace.
My mil has similar views to your fil. I get a lot of cats bum face and pointed comments but I am very much zero fucks given and quite enjoy winding her up /trolling her on it tbh.

I feel your pain op. We've just moved and I'm working in a spare bedroom until my office gets built at the bottom of the garden. My old house had a dedicated building in the garden for this exact reason (I've worked from home for years).

I agree with a pp, some calls you can muddle through. But I also have important ones (I've got one today), that simply can't be interrupted or have 'household noises'. I agree beforehand that my dh and dd either go out or keep very quiet. We've dogs and if anyone comes in or out they bark. My dh has sat in his car on the driveway before if he knows I'm on 'one of those calls'

Oh and you could fart rainbow unicorn dust and your fil wouldn't think any better of you, don't give a monkeys what he thinks

Was FIL advised that he needed to get there and go out before 10 because of your meeting

If he’s such a misogynist, perhaps he arrived late on purpose?

“No woman tells me when to pick up my GC”

Next time, get your H to drop them over at 9.30

WFH can be difficult, I get irritated by noise from my family but then remember it is their home and not my office.

You are being unreasonable to expect perfect works conditions when WFH with small kids

People WFH cannot expect the whole family to be totally quiet all day, it’s not realistic

When can you go back to the office?

There are many jobs that shouldn't be done from home if other people share that home and yours is one of them.

Next time your dh needs to go out with the kids.

You had one requirement that you outlined to your DH.
It was up to HIM to keep his dad quiet because he should respect your work. He didn't. In my mind, HE is the one you should have the now calm conversation with and discuss how disappointed you were that for this one important Zoom call, that things didn't go according to what was, in your mind, an agreed plan.

As for your FiL - ignore him and whatever he thinks. He's not worth giving over anymore headspace than you already have. Seriously, don't worry about him. He'll have his ideas of what is right/wrong but they have no impact on you.

That's my take on it.

Hopefully, today will be a better day!

Your FIL does sound like a knob.

As far as WFH is concerned, you’ve said it’s the holidays there so it sounds like for your own sakes you need to set your work area up somewhere more quiet, even if it’s just for the holidays. It’s not really fair for everyone to tiptoe around you while you work.

@Mummyoflittledragon

As your ds 5 was only next door, your dh should have ensured he was home by maybe 9:40 and out of the door well before 10. I agree with others about giving him a taste of his own medicine. ‘Not in his personality type to be so firm with people.” Lol you can have a field day with this.

Ooh yes..

It's not in my personality type to do housework /cook/think what to buy for presents

Presumably he benefits by using the money you earn as a lawyrr....?

Spell this out very clearly the link between his 'personality type' and your ability to earn loads....

Perhaps he can modify this trait...

Just go back to the office. This is just another example of why wfh doesn’t actually work, people need separate areas for separate parts of their life. It’s my madness to try and mix them.

Why was your fil upstairs?
Seriously though, your dh should have just taken everyone out whilst you were on the call. Don’t stress over what your fil thinks of you (easier said than done, I know). If he is not supportive over your career then that’s his problem.
It doesn’t matter if he heard you have words with your dh - I bet there are not many people who haven’t been overheard having words whilst someone else is listening!

I suspect there are a few things going on here, but it is totally unrealistic and not fair on your children to expect silence when working from home. No one should be expected to tip toe round their own home. And no employer should be in the least bit surprised to hear some background noise. I have been streaked by naked children whilst on calls. You had to ask for something to be repeated, no big deal. Get some decent head phones. Sorted. Or go back to the office.

But i suspect this isn't about the noise.

Ah, fuck what your FIL thinks. He sounds like a prick. He'll thing negatively of you regardless of what you do so I just wouldn't give it any head space.

You FIL isn’t the issue here your husband is.

You understandably dislike your father in law - but it’s your husband who has let you down here

I sympathise. WFH is difficult with DC but you asked for quiet well in advance. Your DH sounds weak. I'd say that that's why your FIL sees him as being able to ''do no wrong''. he thinks his Son is weak and feels the need to protect him, but he doesn't need to protect him from being asked to show an equal partner respect as you do that for your husband too.
I'd feel the need to kill an FIL who wanted to protect his son from an equal partner but as another poster says he is always going to be like this, he's not going to wake up one morning and confront all of his projections and delusions and his misogyny.

I can't work from home btw. I hated it. My DC are teens but they were making pancakes around me, playing music, fighting, laughing, phoning their friends. It was just hell. I thought work was going to call me and say why did you get about 40 minutes worth of work done in 7 and a half hours??

So I've been going in almost every day throughout the pandemic. not looking for a medal there. In fact, I worry that I'm inflexible and couldn't adapt to working from home, or will be perceived to have been unable to adapt to working from home. (which was the truth!)

I don't understand why you're giving a go at your FIL. It doesn't appear that he did anything wrong. He was respectful in not making any noise. He didn't interrupt your argument with your husband, stand up for him or indeed make any comment about it at all.

This is only a big thing because you hate your FIL and never want him to see your DH as being a less than perfect support. Which I totally get because your FIL is an arse. But actually this isn't a big thing in the grand scheme of things. Sort your working environment better - headphones and a mic would have made this a non-issue. Oh and stop taking everyone out when your DH has a call. Tell him it's because of your personality type.

Your FIL is clearly a bit of a dick and you need to stop caring about his opinion.

However you are being a bit OTT about having silence while you are working. I'm a lawyer too and have had various conferences with clients, witnesses, counsel, experts etc as well as court hearings done by zoom from home so I know what it is like.

Get a headset for calls, full earphones not buds for both ears and a microphone attached. I was working during some horrendously noisy building work outside (enough to shake the house) and due to the headset people I spoke to could barely hear it and didn't really notice until I mentioned the noise.

People on a call don't expect silence. If it is a court hearing you need to ensure that no one is coming into the room or speaking to you but a bit of background banging or shouting is just life. Obviously swearing or inappropriate language would be an issue but the noise of little kids is entirely normal.

I warn my DH before a call and say whether I am on video or audio only and if it is the sort of thing where he shouldn't pop in to grab my mug when he makes a coffee but I don't expect him to be silent.

I’m with the consensus - you can’t control others’ actions, but you can do things yourself to improve your situation.

As PP suggest, proper headphones with a microphone and talking an important call in another part of the house are simple steps you can take to protect your working environment. Yes, it would be great if everyone was very respectful of your request for silence but WFH is always a compromise.

None of this has anything to do with your FIL. Ignore him, his views don’t need to matter to you.

@WhatNoRaisins

I don't get why you weren't in a room away from the front door. Would sound proofing in your home office help with this?

Sorry, had a good laugh at this. I WFH at the moment in a small mid-terrace with NOWHERE to hide. Soundproofed home office my arse!

Good humoured post, honest. Not intended to be a dig. WFH and teams meetings have been very entertaining for my colleagues and me where many of us don't have the luxury of an office at all let alone soundproofing.

On that note OP, give yourself a break, I think your colleagues will be more forgiving than you think in relation to a bit of noise and some unexpected disruption. Do the best with what you have I know it can be infuriating but it isn't always easy to WFH for everyone in the house. I have had my outbursts too I think you need the patience of a saint sometimes!

It's the holidays so I think you're unreasonable to expect perfect silence and your husband can't stop people from knocking on the front door.

It doesn't sound like WFH is sustainable for you unless you make some changes such as using noise cancelling headphones.