Kicked off while FIL in house

[Lucynamechange]

I WFH as a lawyer. A lot of my hearings are on zoom. DH is home with kids at the moment as it is holiday time (we are not in UK).

Had a case conference on zoom (no video) and told DH everybody needed to be really quiet at time it was on. His FIL turned up to take kids out, I was assured they would be gone by time it started. Great.

I have a fraught history with FIL - he is a misogynist who once had a go at me for keeping my DH living overseas and for making him do loads around the house and with kids. In reality we share most responsibilities and DH just does his fair share which is unpalatable to FIL. He ended up apologizing but it has never been the same. It took me a long time to get over feeling like a shit and lazy mum.

Anyway FIL arrives, they are in the lounge, I go in before 10am to make a tea and remind them to be quiet. At 10.05am my DS5 gets home with his friend, all kids of noise starts. I mute myself and shout to them to be quiet. End up missing something that was said and had to ask for it to be repeated. Noise carries on as friend's nanny arrives at front door to see if they want to go out. You can imagine the stress.

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH. DH having a go back at me saying not his fault. FIL is upstairs listening. DH saying he "can't control" people coming to the door and making noise. I am saying you can tell them to stfu and move away, it is not hard. Kids were supposed to be going out!

Now it has cooled down I know FIL heard me and feel like crap. I know he'll be judging me because my DH can do no wrong. I am just so frustrated because I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously. FIL was not making noise but I thought they were all going out before 10am. If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

AIBU to be so bloody fed up.

FIL sounds awful, who cares what he thinks.

Your husband needs to be more respectful of your work. Can you sit down with him when you’re calmer and talk it through?

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH

What did 'super cross' mean. Were you really shouting? I'd be annoyed too but I can't stand it when people loose their temper over things that were not deliberately nasty. If I had lost my temper and screamed and shouted and my FIL had heard I would be embarrassed but it would be on me not him.
I would definitely be annoyed that they had t kept quiet though.

@Totalwasteofpaper oh my dear - I have actually just had a little cry for you that is absolutely horrendous I'm so sorry. I could totally feel your emotions through the screen!!! You have my utter sympathy and I hope it never happens again.

Some of the last few posts show how WFH isn't the panacea we've sold over the last couple of years. If your home set-up isn't suitable you need to get back into the actual office, or invest money in either renting a hot desking space or extending/improving your home to give you a dedicated workspace in the loft or garden. Even then, if you have children in the house while you work you can't do your job properly OR your parenting properly if you are trying to juggle both. It's very unfair on the children to have to tiptoe around their own homes.

I don' t understand why you are getting so much aggro about this Op.

My take is this was a one off & organised in advance for the kids to be taken out.

Why your husband hadn't fetched the 5yr old from next door & got the kids ready & waiting to just usher out is beyond me.

If he's on holiday atm, why wasn't he taking them out himself??

If your call was super important and your DH was aware of this. Kids nd DH should have been out of the house 10 mins earlier. Normal calls - reasonably quiet, some distance and headset. When wfh if I needed absolute silence for a call and it wasn't likely indoors - small house, three young kids I have resorted to taking the call outside in my car. Rare thankfully.

Some of the people on this thread seem to be living on another planet and have never heard of COVID and the fact that many people are now having to work from home. And all the suggestions about finding an alternative place to work?? Where? No one I know has done that as it’s too difficult/too expensive - really not an option. Same with the suggestion about finding a place in the house away from the noise. In my house no such place exists! As for noise cancelling headphones - I have a very high tech set provided by my work - the problem is that unless you can be on mute the whole time the microphone will pick up noise.

Reading all the comments I am wondering what office space everyone had pre-pandemic that they are used to being able to work in silence!

I've been in practice for over 20 years working in a variety of firms, plus visiting various firms and chambers. I have had an office with a door I can close for about 6 months of that time. It is overwhelmingly common for even senior lawyers to be working in open plan or with fairly flimsy partitions to give limited privacy. Often meeting rooms are overbooked and you can't expect the use of a private space for a call. Then there's fire alarm tests, the chimes on the sandwich van, sirens going past outdoors, and all kinds of other distractions that we get used to. WFH is much more peaceful!

I am beginning to think that FIL and DH need to be put out to pasture.

Agree Jesus Clients used to complain about my super loud Aussie office mate they could hear her bellowing over my voice which was actually on the phone! Way louder than any child of mine anyway.

@Adeleskirts

Gosh this is all a surprise, my daughter is a lawyer and she’s fully able to work from home without all your drama, I guess every house and sensitivity level is different and you’ve just got something different going on there.

It's not a lawyer thing, it's a husband thing. OP YANBU.

Agree in laws or parents disrespecting woman’s jobs is fucking annoying. My mil referred to my job as being “for pocket money”. I am a solicitor.

My friend had a rightful go at her own mother when I was there for belittling her job “ooh you just make the tea” (friend a senior high earner). They would never say that crap to men 🙄

@timeisnotaline

Who cares what fil thinks? Next time dh is at work, tell the kids they are playing in his office for the next half an hour and usher them in. Your reason is that it’s not your personality type to accept double standards in a relationship, and as he knows there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about their personality type.

This is perfect

YABU and I think you know your interaction with your husband was OTT and are embarrassed by that as you feel it gives your FiL ammunition against you.

How could FiL take kids out when your son hadn't even arrived home at the agreed time in order for him to be able to do this?

Whose 'fault' is it that your son hadn't arrived home? How clear was it that he and his friend should have arrived well before that? Was it your family's fault for not making it clearer? Was it the son's friend's nanny's fault because it had been made very clear and they were still late with the kids? In any event what does FiL have to do with any of that?

I think you are unreasonable to expect your DH to tell his son/ son's friend & nanny to 'stfu' as you put it - if this is the actual language you used when you spoke with him I am not surprised you are embarrassed.

Your DH is probably going to appear like he has been bullied / belittled in this scenario, so if you were over the top in your interaction I would apologise and move on, setting clearer expectations for the next time, and acknowledging if there haven't been clear expectations then there is responsibility for that somewhere, and also acknowledging that you are working from a family home, and will not always be able to absolutely control your environment.

b What's a boiling electronic jug??

Probably should not have posted. Really hard to get all points across in a short post.

I get that it's frustrating, but this all sounds like pretty normal conditions for a family home with children. It's not like anyone burst in to your room or decided to hoover outside the door or play music. Your DH can't do much about someone coming to the door. Your FIL doesn't seem to have actually done anything.
I think YABU to berate your DH and swear.

I think what really comes through is how insecure you feel about being a mum and having a career and feeling judged and never being able to get anything right or get any respect or appreciation.

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

b What's a boiling electronic jug??

The poster actually said 'electric jug' and that she is not in the UK.

Taking a wild guess, I'd say it's an electric kettle.

Taking a wild guess, I'd say it's an electric kettle.

Of course! Thank you for taking pity on me. I was picturing all sorts of futuristic kitchen equipment!

Welcome

Why don’t you have a garden office or an office in the loft or somewhere that is well away from family space?
I don't either. Silly me! Hang on while I find a few thousand quid from down the back of the sofa and get something knocked up...

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

b What's a boiling electronic jug??

An electric kettle surely.

I think that poster said she wasn't in the UK. Outside of Ireland and the UK, the Kettle is not quite the staple it is here. We call it a kettle, it's like oxygen to us. It's official name might well be an electronic boiling jug.

It sounds like you need to rethink your WFH set-up.

Kids making noise during holidays is expected. Your husband can’t control when a doorbell rings. Would you really expect a caller to be told to shut the fuck up?

Can you use a room on a different floor for work? If you’re that close to the front door that the noise of a woman having what sounds like a short conversation with your husband at the door is loud enough to irritate you, you need to move your work location.

xmil in Florida did not have a kettle. When she tried to buy one in a huge electric shop, they were confused. Why did she want to boil water in a plug in jug? .

I don't think YABU re fil. Everyone does need to be respectful of the fact that you have an important call. However the key word for me here is home. It isn't an office, a court room, etc, its a family home. If going back to the office isn't an option you need to get a headset with a microphone or set yourself up somewhere more soundproofed

You have unresolved FIL issues. You know your DH backs him over you. When arguing you both knew the FIL would blame you. It seems set up so you could be put in a situation where you were negatively impacted upon. If this is happening in other ways, I think you have a misogynistic DH/FIL issue and need to look at wider implications.