Kicked off while FIL in house

[Lucynamechange]

I WFH as a lawyer. A lot of my hearings are on zoom. DH is home with kids at the moment as it is holiday time (we are not in UK).

Had a case conference on zoom (no video) and told DH everybody needed to be really quiet at time it was on. His FIL turned up to take kids out, I was assured they would be gone by time it started. Great.

I have a fraught history with FIL - he is a misogynist who once had a go at me for keeping my DH living overseas and for making him do loads around the house and with kids. In reality we share most responsibilities and DH just does his fair share which is unpalatable to FIL. He ended up apologizing but it has never been the same. It took me a long time to get over feeling like a shit and lazy mum.

Anyway FIL arrives, they are in the lounge, I go in before 10am to make a tea and remind them to be quiet. At 10.05am my DS5 gets home with his friend, all kids of noise starts. I mute myself and shout to them to be quiet. End up missing something that was said and had to ask for it to be repeated. Noise carries on as friend's nanny arrives at front door to see if they want to go out. You can imagine the stress.

Luckily it was only a quick thing and afterwards I come out and was super cross and said as much to DH. DH having a go back at me saying not his fault. FIL is upstairs listening. DH saying he "can't control" people coming to the door and making noise. I am saying you can tell them to stfu and move away, it is not hard. Kids were supposed to be going out!

Now it has cooled down I know FIL heard me and feel like crap. I know he'll be judging me because my DH can do no wrong. I am just so frustrated because I feel like anything I do is not good enough in FIL eyes and even my job is not taken seriously. FIL was not making noise but I thought they were all going out before 10am. If my DH was in the other room on a work call nobody would be permitted to make a peep, in fact I would taken them all out before 10am. I would protect his work time. DH just says it is not his personality type to be so firm with people.

AIBU to be so bloody fed up.

So by 10.05 or thereabouts you had: FIL, DH, DC and 5yo DC's friend, then a caller? That sounds like far too many cooks, like there were about 1.5 possible vague arrangements that could apply to 1 DC and an unexpected friend (??), but were so vague they didn't get very far.

If possible next time, make arrangements for DC for 9.30 or 30 mins beforehand. Sign on the front door politely saying don't disturb, please don't knock or ring, text your DH. Loads of people do this near me, they're probably night shift workers.

Your FIL is irrelevant to this so I’m putting that aside, as you also should

WFH with kids in the house can be really stressful. It’s not your DH fault the bell went. If this happens every time you have an important call then it’s a wider issue but if it’s isolated, well these things can happen and I would let it go

I'd be pissed off with your husband. He knew you needed quiet and did absolutely nothing to help.
Next time tell him to take the kids out, no excuses or just let them make lots of noise when he's on a work call. If he complains say it's not in your nature to be firm.
I don't think you are actually annoyed with your FIL, it sounds more like he was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[quote Illputtheminapie]@Totalwasteofpaper oh my dear - I have actually just had a little cry for you that is absolutely horrendous I'm so sorry. I could totally feel your emotions through the screen!!! You have my utter sympathy and I hope it never happens again. [/quote]
Honestly it was pure shit, we did properly unpack and resolve it but it was SO gutting at the time.

@Blossom64265

DH and I are veterans of wfh with children. There are two levels of calls.

The regular day to day calls you just have to set up your space to deal with normal household noise. Close doors. Get a headset. Strategically placed rugs and if necessary, sound dampening wall panels, though we never had to resort to that.

The super important calls that require absolutely no interruptions, the caregiver is notified in advance and arrangements are made for the children to be elsewhere or very occupied if they are old enough for that to work. It’s taken very seriously, but these are rare so it’s an all hands on deck sort of situation. Sometimes it even meant one or the other of us having to book an hour off to cover the other person’s call if the normal child care provider wasn’t in a position to provide the required full empty house for whatever reason

We have the same system. We both work from home but my work is super flexible and DH's is not. He has a lot of zoom calls, and the majority of them are normal, chilled ones where it doesn't really matter if our DC is playing or watching TV in the background. Then there are the Mega Important Calls where DH is presenting to Very Important People, where it would certainly make a huge negative impact on his job if a) he couldn't concentrate and b) if there was background noise (kids running around, kettles being boiled, washing machines etc).

When a Mega Important Call is taking place I'm informed in advance and me and DC retreat either outside or into the bedroom. Our house is tiny and we have no garden but we find a place to go and entertain ourselves until it's safe to return. DH is certainly the main breadwinner here and we need his job, and I will do everything I can to protect it. He is very lucky to be able to do what he does, and his job enables me to not work as much (which in turn is great for both DC and my mental health) and I'll be damned if we lost all this because he can't have silence during Mega Important Calls.

It is a bit tricky if it is a small space, but as long as we all know when the Mega Important Calls are taking place it's not really a problem.

@Totalwasteofpaper Oh god just reading it gave me anxiety. It sounds horrible. No wonder you were devastated and so understandably livid. It's the complete lack of awareness/giving a shit, isn't it? I'm glad they got it in the end and it was resolved eventually, but I bet this is something you'll remember for some time. I hope lessons were learnt!

I think you’re focusing your attention on the wrong guy. Yes, FIL is a twat, but DH is a knobend. You choose to live with him and share your life or not. You can also chose not to.

@madisonbridges

I don't understand why you're giving a go at your FIL. It doesn't appear that he did anything wrong. He was respectful in not making any noise. He didn't interrupt your argument with your husband, stand up for him or indeed make any comment about it at all.

This ^

You had one requirement that you outlined to your DH.
It was up to HIM to keep his dad quiet because he should respect your work ...... the FiL didn't do anything!! He was just sitting quietly whilst the doorbell rang, the children came in, clearly later than asked, the dh didn't hish them quickly enough for the OP's liking, and then the OP kicked off and had a go at her dh (presumably in earshot of both the dc and the FiL).