To wish I had been thinner when younger?

[Onceiwasfat]

So this is a really stupid thread but I’ll put it out there anyway. It’s not a TAAT but I just saw a post by someone my age (41) who used to cover Miss Sixty clothes.

I started gaining weight at about 16. I was probably around 11/11 and a half stone until I was 18. Then when I went away to university I slammed it on and was over 14 and a half stone. I was nearly 25 before I lost it and got down to 11 and a half.

I’ve only been below 10 and a half twice when I was ill.

It’s stupid really as in the scheme of things it’s not important. I have a lovely life, a job I like (sometimes) gorgeous kids but I do wish I’d been slimmer and more attractive when younger.

OK now flame me

I’m American so not familiar with UK weights/sizes. My apologies.

Was of pleasant weight most of my life until my 40s, when due to severe depression I was prescribed antidepressants. My weight ballooned.

Then my beloved dad committed suicide, and I had to attend his funeral. You’d think I was a leper.
My uncle, a photographer, thought it appropriate to take photos at the funeral (WHAT???) and when he presented them there was not a single, solitary photo of me. Not one. if he set out to harm me, he succeeded. Such cruelty.

For some time I’ve been off the meds. I’ve gone from a US 18 to a US 2. I weighed 200 then. I weigh 105 now at 5’4”.

I look like death warmed up and nothing I do makes me gain weight. Every bone, every wrinkle, just everything is exaggerated. I’m not ill. I eat like the proverbial horse.

Being thin is not all it’s cracked up to be.
It sucks.

I was on that thread too OP.
I’ve the reverse situation, in my early 40s I’m coming to terms with the fact I’ll never be slim and lovely the way I was when I was young!
I think threads like that can paint a golden picture of youth and if you feel you missed out on that, for whatever reason, that must feel very hard.
Not saying I don’t have regrets I do, I was a Uni drop out and had some bad relationships but it’s perfectly valid to feel you missed out.
I hope your current life is fulfilling for you

@cookiemonster2468

YABU to judge your worth by your weight.

And even more so to have regrets about a past version of you that no longer exists.

The only way you can move is forwards, so don't waste energy looking back (it doesn't burn calories).

Its not do much judging worth I think, as acknowledging that 20 years ago being over weight meant you didn't get to experience things slim people did The thread the OP was referencing is people reminiscing about wearing clothes that were not an option unless you were very slim, as they didn't make the clothes in bigger sizes. People are talking about how great they felt in the clothes, with the subtext of it being a happy fun time. OPs weight meant she didn't get to participate in this and missed out. I don't get the impression OP is valuing herself as a person any less, just reflecting on how weight impacted the experiences open to her. Hopefully now that clothing brands offer a wider range of sizing this is less of an issue for young women today.

I get you OP. Pps saying that they "felt fat" back then but weren't, maybe you felt fatter than you'd have liked but you wouldn't have looked at (for example) me and thought we were the same size, or thought I was better looking. So clearly you did have some idea of how you looked.

And pps saying you had some other thing wrong, such as acne, fat people have those things too, it's not one or the other.

And pps saying being thin and attractive "sucks" - so you'd rather be fat? No, didn't think so.

Thank you, @5128gap, for explaining so succinctly.

And thank you to those who have understood what I’m saying.

@zoemum2006

It’s fully understandable to regret the past but you have to draw a line under it.

You’ve got a lot of life left that you can make the most of.

Don’t waste a second more of your future on the past.

👆👆👆exactly this👆👆👆

I regret a lot of random things and being fat isn't the worst of them, far from it. My body got me through so it's all fine really. But saying it's the same for because you were "too" tall and slim or too many people were attracted to you it was annoying, come on!

Sigh. And again, I am being told that it is wrong for me to look back and to think about my youth. This is a negative thing, and I must only live purely in the present and the future, right?

I’m sorry, I can’t do that, any more than someone with happy memories of wearing Miss Sixty clothes can - or should - forget about this period.

Of course, there is slightly more to it than ‘just’ being overweight, but I can remember having a friend who was brought up in a religious cult telling me that she often felt a sense of alienation from her contemporaries because so many cultural references and shared experiences were lost to her. While I can’t claim my experience is the same, I do see some parallels. I didn’t go on a holiday abroad with my friends because I was too lacking in confidence to wear a bikini. I didn’t go to a prom, or even meet someone and get married until the very end of my thirties. The concept of having a boyfriend, even casual sexual relationships, is not something I have experienced.

Now, I do realise others will have not gone on a ‘girly’ holiday, or had a prom, or a boyfriend, for reasons that have nothing to do with weight, but that’s precisely why they are not the same things. And it’s not as easy as forgetting about it when actually, you can’t forget. You can to a point choose not to think about and to a point not dwell on, but it is still there. There are two decades of my life that in a sense have been half-lived.

Of course, things are never as straightforward as that and weight ends up being tied into (in my case) loss, bereavement, lack of self esteem, lack of self worth. It might well be that if I’d come from a different type of home, or even had different types of friends, my weight would have stood on its own if you like - I could have been overweight with nothing else to it, as to be honest I am now - but then it was different.

But at any rate, I just really have to say that everyone repeatedly saying ‘forget about it’ isn’t really helpful in the slightest. These are my memories, this is my past. I can’t pretend my twenties and thirties didn’t happen and I jumped seamlessly from about seventeen to thirty eight, any more than any of you can.

I totally get you. Even if you live well now, it is natural to feel regret for times you felt were half-lived. It’s human. Toxic positivity isn’t helpful.

It's not wrong to look back and think of it, and vent about it, but it may be possible, with help, to look back on it differently and perhaps more positively, or at least forgive yourself. I'm certainly not suggesting to just gloss over it but that perhaps it might be helpful to talk to someone about it, in more depth than would be possible on a website.

I think this may be where we are perhaps talking at cross purposes, @ElftonWednesday, because I don’t look back and feel angry with myself or feel that there is anything I need to forgive myself for. I simply wish I had not been overweight. I genuinely feel had I been slimmer, I would have more happy memories from this time. That really is all the thread is saying.

And - I certainly don’t feel it’s something I need counselling for (even if I had the time, money or inclination) and to be honest, I think this is precisely what MN is for. It’s a chat, a look back, a reminisce. Just as the poster who liked to look back at a time when she wore Miss Sixty clothes used it for. But mine is not quite as positive. It hardly means I need professional help!

I'm not sure what you really want from the thread, or want people to say?

Do you just want people to share their similar experiences or share their unhappy memories, or are you looking for sympathy or a kick up the backside or what?

Needing professional help doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, but it can sometimes help to talk to someone who isn't a random on the internet or family or friends about a traumatic or miserable experience.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread

Really? You can’t see that I’m just wanting an anonymous place to briefly speak about my past and a regret I have from it?

I don’t (personally) see that there is a huge difference between ‘a random on the internet’ to ‘a random on Zoom’ - but the random on Zoom would cost £40+

YABU
It's no guarantee you would have felt skinny or attractive.

I was very skinny as a teen (around 6 stone) but still thought I was fat, and I definitely didn't think I was attractive. I used to avoid the camera and hated being photographed.

I'm around 10 stone now (forever trying to lose weight) and I sometimes model - something I never thought I'd do in a million years!

Focus on the here and now rather than the past :)

It needs a perspective shift - instead of regretting what you never did, or a "half-life", think about how much you've grown as a person and how far you have come that you CAN do the things you want to do now.
It's not a bad thing to reflect back if it helps you learn how you want to live your life now. If that means something as small as, you now want to wear a bikini no matter what size you are now, then that's growth and that's what matters. But obviously you can apply that to more meaningful things you'd like to do, it was just an example.

Perhaps AIBU isn't the best place, then for a sympathetic ear and sharing stories. There are more specialist boards here where people will know what you are talking about. Lots of people come on AIBU for a bitch and a fight and certainly not to be helpful or sympathetic.

I am happy with where I have posted and it has been good to speak about it, but I would really appreciate it if you could hide the thread or report it if you think it’s so inappropriate (I am not saying I think you should do this but repeatedly being told I shouldn’t talk about my feelings at all on here and if I must, that I can’t use AIBU, is coming across as a bit thread- policey, to be honest.)

Well, I was a bit younger than you when I had my first date with my one and only boyfriend, who turned into my husband (that was in my mid 20s).

But yeah I was one of the thin ones who didn't go to proms or wear bikinis or date or anything like that either. Before I met my dh I thought I was unlikable and unlovable.

I still don't have real long term friends or close networks. Sadly we never had kids either, and life just hasn't worked out remotely like I thought it would when I was little. So in a lot of ways I know what you mean, and I relate.

I guess I'm just trying to say that being thin wouldn't have magically meant that you had it all. If you'd stayed slim, your life might have just gone sideways in another way instead.

I guess these days I mostly just focus on the positives and try to repress or forget the rubbish stuff. No idea if that's the best approach but I'm happy most of the time, which feels like progress at least.

It was just a suggestion, definitely not thread-policey. I've never asked for a thread to be moved, certainly not someone else's. AIBU is great for a volume of responses and getting on the front page. You can also expect people to:

• misunderstand what the thread is about for several pages (especially if you don't set out what you want in the first post)
• be unkind (particularly about weight issues)
• be reactionary
• not really know anything about the topic
• come for a fight
• come to tell off the OP
• come to show off about how great they are

In between, what will certainly be some more helpful responses. Just my observation. Have the thread where you like.

I do realise that @ElftonWednesday but I am capable of articulating myself. The thread is here now and like I say if we could maybe move on from it being something I shouldn’t talk about on MN that might be best. That isn’t intended as defensively as it might sound, but it is a bit frustrating to constantly be put in a position where I need to give the aims, objectives and expected outcomes of a thread. I mean, it’s a thread, it’s a bit of a chat on the internet, it’s not a big deal.

I am happy too @Frankii but my past is still there. As it should be.

If it's any consolation, I was slim but crippled with anxiety and buried myself in shapeless clothes for years. I also look back and think - actually I look find and should have enjoyed myself a bit more!

Same here OP. I lost weight in my 30s. My 20s were wasted on feeling shy and self conscious and nobody being attracted to me . My life has been immeasurably better since and I kick myself that I wasted that decade.

Same, @Crayzeefrog, although mine drifted into my thirties too