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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend's girlfriend the truth?

107 replies

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:21

Hi all, just looking for advice and outsiders' perspectives on a difficult situation.

I have a great group of friends and we hang out together often. All of us childless and unmarried. A male friend from this group has been dating a woman for 5 years. We are based in Europe, she lives in the US and visits him for a month at a time 2/3 times a year.

She is 28 and he is 44, they met while he was living in the US too, but he had to relocate back to Europe a couple of years ago and they continued dating long-distance. She is planning on moving to Europe soon-ish to be with him and eventually build a life together (either here or in the US) get married, have children. He lets her believe this.

The issue is, we all know (well, all but her) that he has no intention to marry her, he does not want her to move here and when she is not here, he lives the life of a single man, uses dating apps and dates other women. We all know because he is open about it and sometimes he brings around the women he is seeing. He thinks he and his gf are too different and he does not want to marry or have children with someone who might want to move back to the US one day.

When his girlfriend is here to see him, he brings her to all kinds of social events with us and even to a weekend away last Summer with all of us friends. She looks at him with starry eyes and talks about their future together, while we all try to look away.

We are all very uncomfortable about this situation and we have spoke about it between each other. We have also all tried talking to him multiple times to tell him that what he is doing to her is cruel and selfish, he just gives us lip service, says that we are right and he is a coward and "he must make a decision soon". It's been 2 years of this so clearly he has no intention of making any decision.

I thought about talking to her directly to tell her what is going on, but based on how madly in love she seems to be when we are all together I suspect she might not believe me. I think he would deny everything to her. That would also end my friendship with him, although of course I have been debating internally whether I should even stay friends with someone with such little morals anyway.

What do you all think I should do? Talk to her? Mind my own business? Talk to him again and again? She is such a sweet person and she really doesn't deserve this.

I am unsure on what to do, but I think this is so wrong and I somewhat feel like I am complicit in his cruel game if I don't do anything.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 16/01/2022 18:28

It's a difficult one. But I think I would tell her. She is going to be broken hearted either way, and if she knows sooner rather than later, she can begin to move on from him.

What a shit though!

Otherwise approach him and tell him if he doesn't tell her, you will. But it's going to ruin the friendship either way.

autumnkate · 16/01/2022 18:32

I had a similar situation where I knew my then boyfriend’s best friend was cheating on his girlfriend. We saw a lot of them socially and knew he was sleeping with other women. I also knew she had just got pregnant by him and had an abortion. I did tell her. It was very messy and led to a lot of angry words because she told him it was me that had told her.

I would.

pinkyredrose · 16/01/2022 18:35

Why doesn't he leave her?

pumpkinpie01 · 16/01/2022 18:35

Tell him if you don't tell her you will . It's not fair that he brings her to social events where presumably he wants you all to be welcoming to her yet you are all keeping his secrets for him . He isn't being fair on her or his friends.

WarmWinterSun · 16/01/2022 18:42

How awful 😞

I wouldn’t be able to continue a friendship with such a cruel and cowardly person. There is no easy way through this but I think I would confront him directly and threaten to tell her. I would make it clear to him that I would not play along when she is around because he is expecting you to be part of his deceit.

This would end the friendship, but that would be the price of this poor woman finding out the truth.

If he refused to tell her, I think I would say something. It’s totally interfering but I couldn’t watch another woman give up her life for someone who was lying to her.

Georgeskitchen · 16/01/2022 18:44

@pumpkinpie01

Tell him if you don't tell her you will . It's not fair that he brings her to social events where presumably he wants you all to be welcoming to her yet you are all keeping his secrets for him . He isn't being fair on her or his friends.
Yes I agree. She is obviously wanting to settle with a husband and family, he needs to set her free to find someone who will actually love her x
FayCarew · 16/01/2022 18:44

It's the messenger who gets shot.

Original poster
jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:47

@pinkyredrose

Why doesn't he leave her?
Great question, nobody can figure it out. Fear of being alone? Wanting his cake and eating it too? Not wanting to give her up because he likes her (but not enough to commit)?

I honestly don't know why anyone would keep this charade up for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:48

@FayCarew

It's the messenger who gets shot.
That's the thing Sad
OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 18:57

I ahve been the messenger. Told friend in front of her cheating bf. All about the OW and her baby. I had warned him I would. He laughed.

It took friend about 3 years to dump him. By then their child had got to school age, she had her own home that cheating twat had helped do up and she had finsihed a professional qualification. She put up with him, too advantage of his building skills and then, finally worked out she didn't actually need. him.

She dropped me for most of those 3 years. I kept in touch via another friend who remained neutral between us. And it was me she called when she needed support to throw him out of her house. Now, almost 30 years on, we are still very close.

headunderthewater · 16/01/2022 18:57

How awful😟!

Honestly wasting her time, heart and money (2-3times and for a month + flights that has to cost her) is just beyond cruel.

How are you all still friends with him?

Does he cheat on her?
This doesn’t make sense.

Merryoldgoat · 16/01/2022 19:00

I couldn’t be friends with a person like that. It’s vile. He has no integrity and I couldn’t spend time with him and I judge you and your friends for putting up with it.

tectonicplates · 16/01/2022 19:02

Any other time we'd be saying not to interefere, but considering that she's planning on moving to another continent to be with him, I think you should tell her. Preferably before she quits her job and packs up all her stuff. However, you should be prepared for the very real possibilities that:

(a) She doesn't believe you, accuses you of making it up and shit-stirring, or even accuses you of being jealous and wanting this guy for yourself.

(b) Your male friend stops being your friend because he's angry that you interfered. As someone else mentioned above, it's usually the messenger who gets shot.

(c) The rest of the friendship group stops talking to you. Even if they agreed with you in principle during casual conversation, things are very different when it actually comes to taking action. I've been in at least two situations where people said they would support me, but when I actually spoke out about the issue at hand, they all suddenly changed their tune and claimed it was nothing to do with them. This sort of stuff happens quite often, unfortanately. You could potentially end up losing the whole group of friends. People often say in theory that they'd help you and back you up, but chicken out once the shit hits the fan.

BootySOS · 16/01/2022 19:04

Well I wouldn't want to be friends with a bloke who had so little respect for another person, especially a nice person. So I wouldn't be sorry to lose his friendship by telling her openly.

She is too old to make the mistake of wasting more time on a man like this. And plenty young enough to find someone else to share her life with. Who genuinely loves her.

It might be awkward and uncomfortable but I would give her the facts, especially in regards to him bringing other women around to social events.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 19:04

She's spending all that money to visit your 'friend'?

I'd tell her and I wouldn't want to know him either!

AutumnLeaves21 · 16/01/2022 19:05

Is there any way of you telling her anonymously? That way you won’t cop the flack. Even if you can’t give her every detail you’ll be planting a seed and hopefullly starting a conversation.
I’m not sure I’d want to continue to be friends with such a cruel and selfish dickhead.

FayCarew · 16/01/2022 19:09

@jolliejullie, could you set up a fake account and tell her anonymously?

Summerfun54321 · 16/01/2022 19:13

For the sake of the sisterhood, tell her. Men like this don’t deserve bystanders who let his behaviour go unchallenged.

Callingallskeletons · 16/01/2022 19:19

I’d be getting evidence together of him being on dating apps etc and sending it to her anonymously OP

I’ve been the messenger, it’s shit - and in the end you’re other friends could turn on you for “interfering”

TheChemicalMother · 16/01/2022 19:19

I think you all need to work together. Tell him that you will not be complicit in the pretender so either will not meet him with her, and if you do, will not stay quiet. It’s too much to expect you all to treat her like a group members Dp, all happy family and starry eyes when you all know what is going on. Same when he introduced his dating app girlfriends.

You must all be squirming in your seats. Put your collective foot down.

If he wants to act sneakily he has to do it away from the friendship group.

GreekGod · 16/01/2022 19:19

It's none of your business and he may change his mind.

Original poster
jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 19:19

[quote FayCarew]@jolliejullie, could you set up a fake account and tell her anonymously?[/quote]
One of the women he used to see found out about his gf and threatened to contact her and expose him. Sadly I don't think she did it in the end.

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 16/01/2022 19:22

I’d tell him he either needs to tell her himself or I’d be telling her. Selfish bastard.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/01/2022 19:22

@GreekGod

It's none of your business and he may change his mind.
She is forced to be complicit in his lies. I'd say he's made it her business.
VelvetChairGirl · 16/01/2022 19:23

Tell her and try to get other people to back you up, I wouldnt want to be friends with a shitbag like that anyway, cants trust people like that at all