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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend's girlfriend the truth?

107 replies

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:21

Hi all, just looking for advice and outsiders' perspectives on a difficult situation.

I have a great group of friends and we hang out together often. All of us childless and unmarried. A male friend from this group has been dating a woman for 5 years. We are based in Europe, she lives in the US and visits him for a month at a time 2/3 times a year.

She is 28 and he is 44, they met while he was living in the US too, but he had to relocate back to Europe a couple of years ago and they continued dating long-distance. She is planning on moving to Europe soon-ish to be with him and eventually build a life together (either here or in the US) get married, have children. He lets her believe this.

The issue is, we all know (well, all but her) that he has no intention to marry her, he does not want her to move here and when she is not here, he lives the life of a single man, uses dating apps and dates other women. We all know because he is open about it and sometimes he brings around the women he is seeing. He thinks he and his gf are too different and he does not want to marry or have children with someone who might want to move back to the US one day.

When his girlfriend is here to see him, he brings her to all kinds of social events with us and even to a weekend away last Summer with all of us friends. She looks at him with starry eyes and talks about their future together, while we all try to look away.

We are all very uncomfortable about this situation and we have spoke about it between each other. We have also all tried talking to him multiple times to tell him that what he is doing to her is cruel and selfish, he just gives us lip service, says that we are right and he is a coward and "he must make a decision soon". It's been 2 years of this so clearly he has no intention of making any decision.

I thought about talking to her directly to tell her what is going on, but based on how madly in love she seems to be when we are all together I suspect she might not believe me. I think he would deny everything to her. That would also end my friendship with him, although of course I have been debating internally whether I should even stay friends with someone with such little morals anyway.

What do you all think I should do? Talk to her? Mind my own business? Talk to him again and again? She is such a sweet person and she really doesn't deserve this.

I am unsure on what to do, but I think this is so wrong and I somewhat feel like I am complicit in his cruel game if I don't do anything.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 16/01/2022 19:23

I honestly don't know why anyone would keep this charade up for so long. Well, presumably because he doesn’t see her often. A couple of times a year he has guaranteed sex on tap, a woman who apparently adores him, so even if the dating scene is a bit quiet he knows he will get some soon when she comes over.

It’s a lot easier to maintain this kind of facade when you’re in a long distance relationship.

I would want to tell her but I’m not sure how you should go about it.

You should also be prepared that you will probably lose this whole friendship group if you do. People always say they disapprove of someone’s behaviour, but when it comes to the crunch very few will put their money where their mouth is, and you as the messenger will be the one in the firing line.

curlii103 · 16/01/2022 19:28

Tell her! You cant let her uproot her life or hinder her chances of having a family with someone else. Hes a terrible person i wouldnt be friends with him

ThePlumVan · 16/01/2022 19:31

Tell him to tell her by x day, or you will.

Either way, I’d be distancing myself from him as he’s not a nice person.

beastlyslumber · 16/01/2022 19:37

Why are you friends with him? He sounds awful.

I'd tell the gf and ditch the 'friend'. He'll be angry with you but it won't matter cos you're not friends any more.

TheOccupier · 16/01/2022 19:40

I think you should tell her, woman to woman, but you'll need a lot of proof. And whether or not she believes you, prepare to lose your friend.

Ellowyn · 16/01/2022 19:45

I'm not one to normally say 'tell her'. 50 years ago I saw my best friend's boyfriend with another girl and did not tell my friend for many reasons. My best friend and her boyfriend ended up happily married for 45yrs. They had beautiful children and grandchildren. He recently died from cancer. I've never regretted keeping quiet.

This case is different because your friend is intentionally misleading someone in a very cruel and humiliating way. If you tell her she will not believe you unless you have proof. You need proof. Photos speak a thousand words. It will mean the end of your friendship with this cad.

Do the right thing.

Gosports · 16/01/2022 19:46

Can you and the other women in the group get her alone the next time she comes (girls lunch or similar) and all tell her together? Your friend can’t cut all of you out..or if he does, it’ll be him that effectively has to leave the group.

Ellowyn · 16/01/2022 19:47

@ThePlumVan

Tell him to tell her by x day, or you will.

Either way, I’d be distancing myself from him as he’s not a nice person.

Yes! Better than what I just suggested. Make him clean up his own shit.

RealBecca · 16/01/2022 19:49

Yeah I wouldn't waste time protecting a fool that equally pays you all lip service about stepping up and making a decision the same way he leads his girlfriend on.

Why would HE tell her? It suits him perfectly.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/01/2022 19:50

I think I would find it difficult to have any respect for him. Presumably he is a good friend though and has other redeeming qualities? She must be spending a lot of money to visit, what he is doing is selfish and cruel. In your situation i would want to tell her, I hope i would but it's a tough one. I think i would probably give an ultimatum and say that you're not conformable spending time in her company and being part of the deceit.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/01/2022 19:50

I’d tell her.
There’s always a possibility of an accidental pregnancy on one of her visits. If she does have a baby and moves to the UK she will not be able to move back to the USA without his consent. Abs he’s clearly an twat so no idea if he would agree.
Imagine being stuck in a country with a child unable to move back to your support network with someone who never wanted you in the first place. That would be incredibly tough.

Get sone screenshots of him on the apps.

And I’d ditch him as a friend. Who the hell does he think he is, messing with someone’s life like this.

Bethany7 · 16/01/2022 19:51

He is treating her so badly. I would tell her. It might not be easy but it's the right thing to do. Good luck.

Almostlegible · 16/01/2022 20:00

If she visits him for a month 2 or 3 times a year than I guess you and the other friends know in advance of her next visit?
So just say, shortly before the next visit, and when you are all together, that you’re going to skip any events where they are both in attendance.
Explain you’re no longer comfortable as it makes you feel complicit in the shitty way he’s treating her.
Perhaps a few others will agree, and it may trigger him being honest with her as he may have to choose between keeping his friends and continuing to treat this woman badly.

sanbeiji · 16/01/2022 20:08

Would you want to want to be told?
If yes then do it.
'Messenger gets shot' is a cowardly phrase.
Of course there's a risk she might not believe it, even after you show her the proof, but would you rather let her live a lie?

I'd rather lose a friend temporarily. Eventually it will all be exposed and she will thank you

Cameleongirl · 16/01/2022 20:11

DH and I are a British-American couple and there’s a real process getting a visa to live in the UK. If her employer is sponsoring her, she could do it alone; if it hinges on her relationship with your friend, however, she’s soon going to realize it’s all a charade as the application requires a lot of work in his part and takes ages.
Pre-pandemic, a friend applied to bring her husband of 20 years back to the UK ( they’d been living in the US and even that took nine months.

I hope for her sake that her visa does hinge on their relationship, because he’ll absolutely have to come clean.

tempester28 · 16/01/2022 20:12

I would stay out of it - they have a lot of time that they spend apart and I think that it is between them and when the time comes he may be ready to settle down full time.

Original poster

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 20:14

@Cameleongirl

DH and I are a British-American couple and there’s a real process getting a visa to live in the UK. If her employer is sponsoring her, she could do it alone; if it hinges on her relationship with your friend, however, she’s soon going to realize it’s all a charade as the application requires a lot of work in his part and takes ages. Pre-pandemic, a friend applied to bring her husband of 20 years back to the UK ( they’d been living in the US and even that took nine months.

I hope for her sake that her visa does hinge on their relationship, because he’ll absolutely have to come clean.

We don't live in the UK, although it is not easy to get a visa to work here either.

OP posts:

GoodieMoomin · 16/01/2022 20:15

That poor woman. At 28 she is literally wasting the best years of her life on a long-distance loser. How many years is he going to drag it out, and will she still have time to start a family by the time he loses interest?

Original poster

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 20:16

@Cameleongirl

DH and I are a British-American couple and there’s a real process getting a visa to live in the UK. If her employer is sponsoring her, she could do it alone; if it hinges on her relationship with your friend, however, she’s soon going to realize it’s all a charade as the application requires a lot of work in his part and takes ages. Pre-pandemic, a friend applied to bring her husband of 20 years back to the UK ( they’d been living in the US and even that took nine months.

I hope for her sake that her visa does hinge on their relationship, because he’ll absolutely have to come clean.

I believe her visa would hinge on the relationship based on previous conversations.

OP posts:

Chasingaftermidnight · 16/01/2022 20:18

I usually err on the side of MYOB when it comes to other people’s romantic relationships. But every situation is different and in this case I think you would be doing her a big favour if you told her. I’m older than she is and I just know so many women who had their fertile years - or a good portion of them - wasted by men who never had any intention of committing to them. It’s a really cruel thing to do to someone.

Is there any chance the situation will come to a head naturally quite soon - ie when she wants to move to Europe?

MarshmallowSwede · 16/01/2022 20:18

Tell her. This women man is in the prime years to meet someone to marry and have a family, and your friend is a Middle Aged womanizer who’s wasting her time.

Tell her so this woman does not uproot her life to move to a different country to be with a man who has no intention of having any sort of life with her. Consider it your good deed for the year.

MarshmallowSwede · 16/01/2022 20:19

Should be* this women is in the prime stage of her life to meet someone

3scape · 16/01/2022 20:22

Can screenshot his dating profiles?

She could at least then do her own fishing and find out the extent of his duplitious nature.

Original poster

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 20:24

@3scape

Can screenshot his dating profiles? She could at least then do her own fishing and find out the extent of his duplitious nature.

The thing is, he is quite cagey about what exactly happens when he does online dating and dates these other women. We all assume that he sleeps with them but he never directly confirms what he has done with them.

So if I spoke to her I actually wouldn't have any specific information that I could share, other than that I know her bf is online dating, seeing other women and he has said to us he doesn't want to marry her.

OP posts:

Catflapkitkat · 16/01/2022 20:29

I think he will be able to talk himself out of it if you do tell her and she is far away and besotted enough the believe him. I think you need proof - photos of him out with other girls, proof of him on dating sites etc. Perhaps anonymously suggest she contact him on the site

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