To tell my friend's girlfriend the truth?

[jolliejullie]

Hi all, just looking for advice and outsiders' perspectives on a difficult situation.

I have a great group of friends and we hang out together often. All of us childless and unmarried. A male friend from this group has been dating a woman for 5 years. We are based in Europe, she lives in the US and visits him for a month at a time 2/3 times a year.

She is 28 and he is 44, they met while he was living in the US too, but he had to relocate back to Europe a couple of years ago and they continued dating long-distance. She is planning on moving to Europe soon-ish to be with him and eventually build a life together (either here or in the US) get married, have children. He lets her believe this.

The issue is, we all know (well, all but her) that he has no intention to marry her, he does not want her to move here and when she is not here, he lives the life of a single man, uses dating apps and dates other women. We all know because he is open about it and sometimes he brings around the women he is seeing. He thinks he and his gf are too different and he does not want to marry or have children with someone who might want to move back to the US one day.

When his girlfriend is here to see him, he brings her to all kinds of social events with us and even to a weekend away last Summer with all of us friends. She looks at him with starry eyes and talks about their future together, while we all try to look away.

We are all very uncomfortable about this situation and we have spoke about it between each other. We have also all tried talking to him multiple times to tell him that what he is doing to her is cruel and selfish, he just gives us lip service, says that we are right and he is a coward and "he must make a decision soon". It's been 2 years of this so clearly he has no intention of making any decision.

I thought about talking to her directly to tell her what is going on, but based on how madly in love she seems to be when we are all together I suspect she might not believe me. I think he would deny everything to her. That would also end my friendship with him, although of course I have been debating internally whether I should even stay friends with someone with such little morals anyway.

What do you all think I should do? Talk to her? Mind my own business? Talk to him again and again? She is such a sweet person and she really doesn't deserve this.

I am unsure on what to do, but I think this is so wrong and I somewhat feel like I am complicit in his cruel game if I don't do anything.

Why not tell him his behaviour makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like many of your friends are having the same thoughts. I just can't imagine being in a social situation where you're being complicit on lying. To the US GF or the others which come on the scene. On one hand I'd have said not your place to tell the US GF but reading the post on here from the woman who was in that position, I think yeah tell her. Even if she does shoot the messenger at least you've done the right thing and I wouldn't sat losing this cretin is any loss.

oh I would tell her and record voice notes on my phone talking to him about it too. A man I know had his long distance gf move to our country. When he broke up with her she had no where to go and committed suicide. Very sad but we all knew it was coming. He never showed any regret or remorse and seemed pleased that the situation resolved itself.
Sickening.

Sorry we knew he would fuck her around and split up with her. Nobody thought she would commit suicide.

@Alicetheowl

So she can work remotely? and has not made any concrete plans to move? Sounds as if they both like the arrangement as it is.

I work for a global company. We can theoretically work anywhere - in that we practically often do and have no technical barrier. It’s usual for someone working away from their home country to travel home for a month and do 2 week holiday and 2 weeks WFH in that country. However, our company can face tax issues around someone working in a country where we don’t employ them in that country. Worse still, if we don’t exist as a legal entity in thar country - there are concerns about it creating a company (rather than personal) tax liability. We also have a problem with our employee health insurance which only covers short trips and is a compulsory part of our package. So it’s not as simple as if you can work remotely practically, your company can agree for you to just move.

I'd not only be telling the GF, but I'd also be having a quiet word with every other female he brings out with you to be honest.

DS is married to someone from the US and as a PP said it is very difficult and costly to arrange a VISA and it is easier to marry in the US then apply.
As a family we had to sign statements saying that she had been visiting our family home for 10 years plus also close friends did this in support, He had to provide photos of the home they would live in details of his job, income etc.
She is either going to get fed up being "put on hold" because he is not going to go through with all the hassle. If she were to come over here for any length of time she would have to come as a fiancee and as a "fiancee" she cannot work here and he has to financially support her, then marry her or she would be deported.
Perhaps she will wake up to the situation. When she is next in the Uk I would have lightly ask when they are getting married? Because there are so many difficulties getting a Visa, they just can't move in together for any length of time.
I personally would not want to tell her via email or phone, I don't think she would entertain it.
I know its not ideal, but I think sooner or later she is going to force the issue of their relationship, and thats going to be when he either makes it or breaks it.

Just send the woman an anonymous message telling her all.