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Original poster

To tell my friend's girlfriend the truth?

107 replies

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:21

Hi all, just looking for advice and outsiders' perspectives on a difficult situation.

I have a great group of friends and we hang out together often. All of us childless and unmarried. A male friend from this group has been dating a woman for 5 years. We are based in Europe, she lives in the US and visits him for a month at a time 2/3 times a year.

She is 28 and he is 44, they met while he was living in the US too, but he had to relocate back to Europe a couple of years ago and they continued dating long-distance. She is planning on moving to Europe soon-ish to be with him and eventually build a life together (either here or in the US) get married, have children. He lets her believe this.

The issue is, we all know (well, all but her) that he has no intention to marry her, he does not want her to move here and when she is not here, he lives the life of a single man, uses dating apps and dates other women. We all know because he is open about it and sometimes he brings around the women he is seeing. He thinks he and his gf are too different and he does not want to marry or have children with someone who might want to move back to the US one day.

When his girlfriend is here to see him, he brings her to all kinds of social events with us and even to a weekend away last Summer with all of us friends. She looks at him with starry eyes and talks about their future together, while we all try to look away.

We are all very uncomfortable about this situation and we have spoke about it between each other. We have also all tried talking to him multiple times to tell him that what he is doing to her is cruel and selfish, he just gives us lip service, says that we are right and he is a coward and "he must make a decision soon". It's been 2 years of this so clearly he has no intention of making any decision.

I thought about talking to her directly to tell her what is going on, but based on how madly in love she seems to be when we are all together I suspect she might not believe me. I think he would deny everything to her. That would also end my friendship with him, although of course I have been debating internally whether I should even stay friends with someone with such little morals anyway.

What do you all think I should do? Talk to her? Mind my own business? Talk to him again and again? She is such a sweet person and she really doesn't deserve this.

I am unsure on what to do, but I think this is so wrong and I somewhat feel like I am complicit in his cruel game if I don't do anything.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/01/2022 20:34

Thats horrible, and you're all in on it too. I'd email her and tell her the truth.

VaggieMight · 16/01/2022 20:34

I had a male friend do similar. He bought along another woman without any warning. I told him that he can't introduce his partner to the group and then other women. It's a horrible situation for your friend to place you in. No respect for anyone. My friend became an ex-friend.

Tell him that either he tells her or he stops bringing her to the group activities.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/01/2022 20:38

Why are you friends with this bloke??

Anyways she’s not your friend which makes it slightly easier. Talk to him and say, this isn’t on, she wants a family, you could potentially be ruining her life. You have 3 weeks to tell her, or I will.

Then you call her, keep it brief, follow up with a pre-written email.

In general I always think don’t interfere but she really is being fucked over, and it could loose her life chances.

Briarshollow · 16/01/2022 20:39

Are you all single, childfree and in your mid 40s?

Cameleongirl · 16/01/2022 20:43

I’m glad for her sake that it’s not easy to get a visa, because he’ll have to be honest then.

As for you telling her now, it would be kind although awful for everyone involved.

TheHopefulMum · 16/01/2022 20:43

I would absolutely tell her. I have been in a similar position lately with a very close friend and offered her DH an ultimatem, either he told her or I would.

In the end he came clean, and as much as I would never have wanted to give her or anyone else the news that someone they love has been unfaithful I'd like to think someone would do it for me and save me the heartache of 'playing happy families' type of thing.

I'm sure eventually she will find out even if you don't tell her, although personally I'd feel very upset if I was her and found out that you had known all along.

Original poster
jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 20:44

@Briarshollow

Are you all single, childfree and in your mid 40s?
We are all childfree in our 30s and 40s, some of us dating someone (but not married), others single.
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2022 20:46

The thing that leaps out at me is that the US woman is planning a future with this jerk, a future that includes children. That means that she is wasting valuable time during which she could be finding a man worthy of her to have a life and children with. I know she's only 28 now, but how long will this whole charade go on? Five years? Ten? It's no skin off your friend's nose.

He's already freely admitted that he will never marry the US woman. He's proceeding as he wishes, losing no time at all. He's out and about meeting this one and that. If he met 'the one' tomorrow he'd drop the US woman in a hot minute to marry 'the one'. And the poor US woman will have wasted how many years of her life and passed up how many opportunities with other men when that happens?

So I'd tell the US woman everything I knew. If I had evidence, like pictures on a night out or texts about these other girls, I send them to her. If I lost his friendship I wouldn't give a rat's patootie. He's despicable and not the kind of person I'd want as a friend anyway.

DDMAC · 16/01/2022 21:06

I too think she needs to be told but have proof of his dating profile ready. Also maybe try to get other friends on board to back you up.

At 28 she could be still dating and having fun (maybe she’s doing the same over in the US who knows). But I think she deserves to know.

Iwonder08 · 16/01/2022 21:41

Please tell her. I've been in a situation somehow less intense but similar to the US girl in your story and I was heartbroken when someone who knew him told me.. But it was extremely helpful. The guy is a jerk and not worth keeping as a friend.
Tell her, don't do it anonymously, offer her an option to ask you questions. You don't need evidence of him sleeping with someone. Tell her what you told us-he lives a life of a single man when she is not around and he openly told the entire friendship group he doesn't want marriage with her or even for her to come to his country on a permanent basis.

Gonnagetgoing · 16/01/2022 21:52

@Briarshollow

Are you all single, childfree and in your mid 40s?
@jolliejullie - it’s still quite a coincidence that most of you aren’t settled down or have children in your 30s and 40s but I have known women like this in my 30s.
Cameleongirl · 16/01/2022 22:00

I’ve reread the OP and noted that they’ve been together for FIVE years. I’m surprised that she isn’t suspicious herself by now! I know they were in the same country for two years, but that still leaves three years to sort things out. Even with pandemic restrictions/delays, that’s a heck of a long time not to make any progress.

I’d definitely tell her, that’s too much time to waste.

Cocomarine · 16/01/2022 22:06

He’s just plain nasty. Stringing her along like that. And everyone in the group knows and is uncomfortable with it, supposedly. I wonder - what kind of behaviour would it take for your group to drop this arsehole altogether? Or at least say, “stop bringing the other women into this group, we don’t want it.”

thetaleunfolds · 16/01/2022 22:10

I was the girlfriend in this situation years ago and I wish someone had told me. I was strung along for 10 years, and was in my thirties before he finally admitted that he didn’t want to marry me or have children (despite letting me plan our wedding and arrange my visas to move to the US)

Even now, almost 10 years on, I’m so angry about it all. So much time wasted, so much trust ruined. If one of his family or friends had the balls to tell me what he was actually up to/saying it would have hurt me but would have saved me a lot of heartache and money.

SprayedWithDettol · 16/01/2022 22:21

He isn’t someone I could be friends with.

BobMortimersTrout · 16/01/2022 22:26

Tell her. She wants a family and is wasting her childbearing years on him.

Lou98 · 16/01/2022 22:28

Personally I would tell her - she's looking for commitment and is making plans for the future. He's stringing her along with no intention of that, it's not fair on her. At least if she knows she can move on and find someone who wants the same things.

You do need to be prepared for the fall out with your friend but personally I couldn't be friends with someone who is doing that to his partner anyway, it makes for a really shitty person and I would end the friendship regardless of what happens

Ireolu · 16/01/2022 22:38

I would want to be told. Who wants their time wasted? Granted I would be annoyed and hurt and may not believe but would be food for thought and the catalyst for them discussing what exactly their end point is. I would tell her. your friend is horrible.

reader12 · 16/01/2022 22:40

Tell her. Why on earth would you want to be friends with such a shitty person anyway? I think it’s disgusting he has a whole group of people going along with this and taking part in deceiving her. He has no respect for any of you.

Westerman · 16/01/2022 22:41

Put yourself in her position. Would you want to unwittingly be made a fool of? Wasting your life and money, thinking you had a future with this man? I know I wouldn't.

I think you really need to tell her. Is there any way you could record this idiot of a man while he's talking about his conquests or telling you how much he doesn't want to marry her? Maybe she'd be convinced if she heard it from the horse's mouth. Even without that though, I'd still have to tell her. She deserves better than him.

JackTheHack · 16/01/2022 22:45

@FayCarew

It's the messenger who gets shot.
Well, it won't matter in the long run. She will go back to Europe and never see you again
JackTheHack · 16/01/2022 22:48

Is she on your Facebook? Upload some group photos with him and another girl friend. She will see for her self won't she?

heyitsthistle · 16/01/2022 22:49

Can you sneak a photo of him and another woman (being obviously couple-y) and if you talk to her, show her the pics? Must be awful, the poor girl.

Notimeforaname · 16/01/2022 22:49

I'd probably do the anonymous profile and tell her that way. He couldn't know which one of you it was. As you said an ex of his had threatened to do it before.

The poor woman.

heyitsthistle · 16/01/2022 22:50

@JackTheHack

Is she on your Facebook? Upload some group photos with him and another girl friend. She will see for her self won't she?
And tag her as "the OW"
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