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Original poster

To tell my friend's girlfriend the truth?

107 replies

jolliejullie · 16/01/2022 18:21

Hi all, just looking for advice and outsiders' perspectives on a difficult situation.

I have a great group of friends and we hang out together often. All of us childless and unmarried. A male friend from this group has been dating a woman for 5 years. We are based in Europe, she lives in the US and visits him for a month at a time 2/3 times a year.

She is 28 and he is 44, they met while he was living in the US too, but he had to relocate back to Europe a couple of years ago and they continued dating long-distance. She is planning on moving to Europe soon-ish to be with him and eventually build a life together (either here or in the US) get married, have children. He lets her believe this.

The issue is, we all know (well, all but her) that he has no intention to marry her, he does not want her to move here and when she is not here, he lives the life of a single man, uses dating apps and dates other women. We all know because he is open about it and sometimes he brings around the women he is seeing. He thinks he and his gf are too different and he does not want to marry or have children with someone who might want to move back to the US one day.

When his girlfriend is here to see him, he brings her to all kinds of social events with us and even to a weekend away last Summer with all of us friends. She looks at him with starry eyes and talks about their future together, while we all try to look away.

We are all very uncomfortable about this situation and we have spoke about it between each other. We have also all tried talking to him multiple times to tell him that what he is doing to her is cruel and selfish, he just gives us lip service, says that we are right and he is a coward and "he must make a decision soon". It's been 2 years of this so clearly he has no intention of making any decision.

I thought about talking to her directly to tell her what is going on, but based on how madly in love she seems to be when we are all together I suspect she might not believe me. I think he would deny everything to her. That would also end my friendship with him, although of course I have been debating internally whether I should even stay friends with someone with such little morals anyway.

What do you all think I should do? Talk to her? Mind my own business? Talk to him again and again? She is such a sweet person and she really doesn't deserve this.

I am unsure on what to do, but I think this is so wrong and I somewhat feel like I am complicit in his cruel game if I don't do anything.

OP posts:
backtolifebacktoreality · 16/01/2022 22:55

It's not fair that she's put her life on hold for him in her home country and then makes the effort and expense of coming to the UK to see him fairly regularly.

The problem with telling her anonymously is that she may think that perhaps it's not genuine (ie it's a message from someone who fancies him).

Could you and the other girls tell her together, perhaps via video call?

tara66 · 16/01/2022 23:17

Next time she's over in Europe and you all meet up - casually ask this guy loudly in front of everyone - how come the American is back on the scene as you saw him with xx (another woman) xx days/weeks ago - or some drop some other similar loud clanger - rather than try to tell her one to one. Expect to get an answer too.

eeek88 · 17/01/2022 00:29

I would usually err on the side of MYOB but in this instance, given her age, location, and future plans which rely on him being as committed to her as she is to him, she needs to know.

I like the option of ‘you tell him by x time or I will’.

Alternatively you can ask her (maybe in a group setting so it seems more hypothetical than pointed), ‘if your partner was cheating would you want to be told?’ And see what she says. I said this once to a friend whose partner I’d caught red-handed in compromising situation with someone else, plunging me into major dilemma. Friend very firmly said, ‘no, I wouldn’t’ and explained why (I’ve forgotten the reason). So I didn’t. Later I learned that their relationship was basically an open one but an unspoken open one. I was glad I hadn’t said anything. I’m still good friends with both of them (they’ve now split up). But their circumstances were very different to this young woman’s. The woman in the relationship already had kids and was too old for more. The man had plenty of time. Nobody’s life was going to be upheaved by knowing/not knowing/finding out.

Another option:
Write him an email saying he really must tell her otherwise her life plans could be derailed and she may not find out until it’s too late. Ooops, you sent it to her by mistake! Oh no!
Or copy her into the correspondence in a less ‘accidental’ fashion. After he’s replied to you (if he’s going to reply).

gsaoej · 17/01/2022 00:35

What a bastard. I wouldn’t be friends with him, regardless of whether you end up telling her.

PrincessNutella · 17/01/2022 01:53

I think it's fair to tell this woman. You don't have to be part of his stage set as he tries to convince this woman that he is the perfect man.

Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:39

@Gonnagetgoing it is not uncommon at all in our circles. We are all professional expats in a foreign country with demanding careers and we have all travelled and lived abroad a lot before coming here.

OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:42

@gsaoej

What a bastard. I wouldn’t be friends with him, regardless of whether you end up telling her.
I tend to agree with you at this point. I want to point out that this situation didn't start out like this, he has been turning on the fire slowly. Initially just bringing her around. Then voicing his doubts. Then mentioning he was on the apps "just to make friends". Then brining around someone from the app but "just a friend". Etc etc.

He hasn't started out with such an outrageous attitude, I suppose he has been testing our tolerance slowly and upped his game to match. It's only been in the last few months that things have been so bad and I have started thinking about what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:43

@heyitsthistle

Can you sneak a photo of him and another woman (being obviously couple-y) and if you talk to her, show her the pics? Must be awful, the poor girl.
He is always careful so I doubt I could ever photograph him with another woman in a couple-y situation. As I said, he knows how to keep things vague so he is not questioned (but then it is so obvious he is up to no good iyswim).
OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:44

@JackTheHack

Is she on your Facebook? Upload some group photos with him and another girl friend. She will see for her self won't she?
He'd say she is just a new friend. We invite new people into our group regularly so it would not be unusual to see a new face.
OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:45

@reader12

Tell her. Why on earth would you want to be friends with such a shitty person anyway? I think it’s disgusting he has a whole group of people going along with this and taking part in deceiving her. He has no respect for any of you.
I agree he has no respect and I am angry that he has put all of us in this situation out of his own selfishness.
OP posts:
Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:45

@thetaleunfolds

I was the girlfriend in this situation years ago and I wish someone had told me. I was strung along for 10 years, and was in my thirties before he finally admitted that he didn’t want to marry me or have children (despite letting me plan our wedding and arrange my visas to move to the US)

Even now, almost 10 years on, I’m so angry about it all. So much time wasted, so much trust ruined. If one of his family or friends had the balls to tell me what he was actually up to/saying it would have hurt me but would have saved me a lot of heartache and money.

Thank you for your perspective, it is very useful to hear from someone who was in a similar situation. I am sorry that happened to you too Thanks
OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 17/01/2022 07:53

I say tell her but do it when she’s in the USA. Don’t let her spend money coming back over. Plus being in a foreign country and finding out something like that makes it worse. And it’s not like you’re friends so you shouldn’t worry about shooting the messenger. If she gets angry at you don’t take it personally. Especially don’t worry about him getting annoyed at you. I’d cut ties with such a snake anyway. This is a poor woman’s future he’s messing with.

Also sorry if someone mentioned this as mainly read OPs messages, but couldn’t you go on these dating apps, find him then send link to show some proof.

Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 07:57

@MimiDaisy11

I say tell her but do it when she’s in the USA. Don’t let her spend money coming back over. Plus being in a foreign country and finding out something like that makes it worse. And it’s not like you’re friends so you shouldn’t worry about shooting the messenger. If she gets angry at you don’t take it personally. Especially don’t worry about him getting annoyed at you. I’d cut ties with such a snake anyway. This is a poor woman’s future he’s messing with.

Also sorry if someone mentioned this as mainly read OPs messages, but couldn’t you go on these dating apps, find him then send link to show some proof.

I am on the apps but I have never seen his profile. I guess he has blocked me (I know you can prevent specific users from seeing your profile if you see theirs first). In the past he has sent me screenshots of other profiles he was interacting with, so he was on the apps for sure.

He even went on holiday with a woman he met on the apps for fuck's sake!

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 17/01/2022 08:04

My general rule of thumb is I will not tell, but neither will I lie. If anyone asked me directly I would tell the truth. The messenger never gets thanked!

I would be pressuring the male friend to start behaving like a decent human being.

FirewomanSam · 17/01/2022 09:08

I had a sort of similar situation with a friend of mine. She was cheating on her boyfriend and thinking about breaking up with him but hadn’t fully decided yet.

She brought him to an event where I and lots of my friends knew the situation. It was so awkward. The guy was besotted with her and kept talking enthusiastically to us about all their plans for the future, while we all knew she was sleeping with someone else and had seen him just a few days before. Right before her boyfriend turned up at the party, she had been telling us all about this other guy, in great detail. It made us all so uncomfortable and I felt so guilty by association.

Afterwards another friend and I told her that, as her friend, we would support her with whatever decision she made and that we weren’t judging, but that she wasn’t to ever put us in that position again. We told her it was very unfair to involve us in her cheating and that we didn’t want her bringing her boyfriend to any more events unless she finished with the other guy, or broke up with the boyfriend (in which case she obviously wouldn’t be bringing him to anything else).

She was sorry and I think she actually did break up with the boyfriend not long after. They eventually got back together, although I don’t know if she ever told him about the other guy, but at least she wasn’t juggling them both while expecting us to go along with it all.

You could say something like that to your friend? That until he makes a decision and either gets serious about her or breaks things off, you don’t want him bringing her to things as it’s not fair to ask you all to lie to her.

trickytimes · 17/01/2022 09:12

Tell her and stop being friends with this arse. He’s disgusting

TheOccupier · 17/01/2022 09:19

*I am on the apps but I have never seen his profile. I guess he has blocked me (I know you can prevent specific users from seeing your profile if you see theirs first). In the past he has sent me screenshots of other profiles he was interacting with, so he was on the apps for sure.

He even went on holiday with a woman he met on the apps for fuck's sake!*

Honestly, I would be inclined to catfish him. You could get evidence that way.

Sunnysideup999 · 17/01/2022 09:22

It’s not your life and it’s not your place to say anything. By all means have words with your fiend about letting her know the truth - but don’t get involved in anyone else’s relationship.

Alicetheowl · 17/01/2022 10:04

Hmmm. I'm going to go against the grain here. It's been five years,if she was serious she would have moved by now. If he's that much older and a successful expat the I suspect he has more money, does she pay for her own flights? I suspect she enjoys the attention, gets a nice break in a foreign country with a guy she likes but not a day to day commitment, and isn't quite ready to settle down. I suspect the whole starry eyed thing and being so in love is a bit of an act they are both complicit in. She is probably doing the same back home. After five years she would have moved by now. You risk losing a friendship when I suspect they are both happy with the charade.

Whysolong7 · 17/01/2022 11:36

I’d tell her. It will be awful but the worst for her will be the dishonesty and if that is shared in the group because no one has told her then it will feel like everyone has betrayed her not just him.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 11:42

That's a difficult position to be in OP. You would probably end up in the firing line if you tell her, still though the poor woman, wasting her life (and a lot of money travelling back and forward from the states) on that spineless, selfish piece of shit

VeryLongBeeeeep · 17/01/2022 14:35

Completely missing the point of the thread, but how on earth has she been able to travel so freely to see him throughout a global pandemic, and who does she work for in the US that gives her so much time off each year?

Original poster
jolliejullie · 17/01/2022 14:44

@VeryLongBeeeeep

Completely missing the point of the thread, but how on earth has she been able to travel so freely to see him throughout a global pandemic, and who does she work for in the US that gives her so much time off each year?
She was allowed to work remotely from here whenever she was here. As for traveling freely, besides short periods of time traveling between here and the US has never been banned, just made complicated with lots of testing and so on.
OP posts:
Alicetheowl · 17/01/2022 14:56

So she can work remotely? and has not made any concrete plans to move? Sounds as if they both like the arrangement as it is.

Hemingwayzcatz · 17/01/2022 15:07

I don’t think I could be friends with him anymore so I’d start by ditching him. I think it’s pointless telling her by the sounds of things because he’ll undoubtedly manage to find a way to wriggle his way out of it. You don’t have any evidence to back it up and he sounds like the sort of twat who would have a decent explanation for it.

I’d stay out of it I think, avoid the drama. It will fizzle out when she eventually realises he doesn’t want to get married.

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