To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

he'd call me in the small hours after a night out saying things like "I'm lying face down in the street."

It's amazing how despite having no idea where they are or how they got there, they still manage to find the number of the home based taxi service

@DrunkanSkunkan

No I have never and would ever get my DS up in the middle of the night. He’s never been drunk when DS is in the house and as I said we don’t drink at home at all.

I’m going to speak to him in the morning (we’ll, in 3 and a half hours!) I am SICK of it. It’s not every time and he doesn’t go out all the time but when he does I’m on pins. I feel like I can’t relax. If we go somewhere together I again feel like I can’t relax. For example we went to a festival a couple of years ago. First night was absolutely amazing, we were tipsy but had a good time, no issues. Second night he just got bladdered, went to get food and never returned. We spent ages looking for him (I was with his sister snd her husband). We eventually found him in the car park???? He didn’t know how he’d gotten there. If we hadn’t have looked for him god knows where he’d have ended up as we were in a different city and we were camping on site.

As I’ve been typing this hes jusy gotten up and tried to pee in the corner of the room. Im absolutely raging, and quite disgusted. He’s gone to the toilet now. Im going to try and get some sleep but im not doing this again. It’s an absolute piss take, it’s embarrassing and I deserve better

Did you have to leave your DS at home when you went to fetch him?

He has a drink problem.

Not what he might think of as the stereotyped version of an alcoholic, but his drinking negatively affects family, friends and neighbours, and causes him to put himself in danger, and to incur injuries.

This is an alcohol disorder.

If he cannot go out snd stick to one drink or know his limit, that is a drink problem.

I would be very stark in telling him this.

Not a rant about disturbance in the night etc, but ‘you have a drink problem. I will not live with it any more. What are you going to do about it?’.

Asked and answered. Sorry

@DrunkanSkunkan

Yeah he’s awake I woke him up.

He’s still really tipsy. I told him what happened and he’s apologised and said he doesn’t know why he gets in these states and he doesn’t know why he does the things he does. He laughed a bit when I said about playing the music and I said it’s not funny, it might be funny for you but it’s not for anyone else. I told him he’s going to seriously hurt himself one day and he has a family who loves him and is it worth breaking your neck falling down the stairs or pissing in the corner of your bedroom for the sake of a few drinks.

So we’ll see. He’s gone in the shower now, going get up myself snd have w coffee and put some makeup on and just see what today brings. But my heart is pounding, we never really have a crossed word or anything and even though I know eveyrhing I said was correct I already feel
Guilty for bringing it up

Then you need to work on yourself.

He's behaviour is awful and yes, you probably are conditioned to it.

Also, if you think cooking and washing the car makes him a good husband you need to raise your bar.
It's a step, but it's not the definition!

Yes we had neighbours like this but both the wife & Hubby were as bad, it's annoying to be woken up in the middle of the night by drunken arseholes who have no respect for anyone else. I personally couldn't live like this, I'd have to leave.

@Mybestyear is bang on the money.

No way should you be feeling guilty for bringing it up!!!

He’s the one who did this. This is not normal.

I would enjoy the wedding today, but tomorrow morning, tell him you’re done with his drunken shit and that you will never rescue him again. Tell him you’re ashamed of him and hope it sinks in. Otherwise he will keep doing this until he probably kills himself doing something stupid because he knows you’ll keep saving him when he’s in a mess. Don’t carry on enabling and normalising this.

Op I remember being mortified after getting very drunk. I’d mouthed off indiscreetly to then-dp’s colleagues at a party, and had such a bad hangover I almost threw up in the street the next day. I’d spent my 20s drinking too much on occasion- not regularly, but at parties or nights out I would get really drunk. I don’t even know why as I hate being drunk. Just the culture of it and because I enjoyed the drinks and it was what you did.

That day - I was 30 and pre-DC - I decided not to get drunk again because it was so miserable feeling ashamed and having a hangover the next day. I resolved to stick to 2 drinks max. With a couple of exceptions where I had 3 or 4 at weddings etc, I’ve stuck to it and have never been really drunk since. My tolerance is way down and now I mostly have alcohol-free lager and the occasional small glass of wine. I would have considered this very boring in my youth, but it’s not - it’s made me much happier, I can still go out and have fun, I don’t miss it.

What I’m saying is that if he really found this experience that regrettable, he would stop doing it. If he can’t stop, it’s an alcohol problem. If he can but won’t it’s a disrespect problem. He’s old enough to take responsibility for the fact that it’s impacting you and your child, as well as making him look like a twat. Taking the piss is right.

It would ultimatum time for me. I understand that he’s nice most of the time but if he’s a nice person he can listen to you and stop doing this.

He has a drink problem. If he wants to stop then AA would be worth a try (and does cater to binge drinkers, it’s not about the frequency it’s about the behaviours and the inability to stop when started)

He needs to want to stop though. If he still thinks he can control it then he won’t be open to help.

www.aa.org/self-assessment

Problem drinkers often do know deep down they have a problem. There are amazing resources out there today: podcasts, audiobooks etc, uncovering the many different kinds of problems people can have with alcohol; It’s no longer just vodka at dawn you need to be consuming to have a serious issue with booze.

I recommend “Drink?” By Prof David Nutt, “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” and “the Sober Diaries”.

Also “This Naked Mind” with Annie Grace. She’s another one who’s done her homework.

But @DrunkanSkunkan I honestly think you need to get tougher with him. A PP said there aren’t consequences for him. Look at the potential consequence (divorce) that one PP meted out to her new husband for his unacceptable behaviour.

Definitely: know your deserve much more.

@PretzelneedsSalt: this is one option, but it’s worth recognising that many people now view AA as massively outdated and it definitely doesn’t work for everyone.

The sober world has moved on a lot.

There are a lot of different definitions of alcoholic on this thread but one that is worth thinking about is the inability to stop. I feel that there are two sorts of drinkers in the world - those who can have a couple and stop, and those who don’t hear that little voice until it’s too late.

I’m one of the second group. I went through uni not realising that other people didn’t have memory gaps when they woke up after a party. It’s innate, I can’t change it. But I’m finally ready to say that boozing doesn’t work for me.

You need a come-to-jesus chat with your other half. But not today.

The fact he laughed at you when you tried to tell him how his behaviour affected you would give me the rage.

Why do you have to live with him? have a relationship but live apart, then you won't have to worry about him getting home, you are not his mother.

@drunkanSkunkan I hope you enjoy the wedding today.
You do need to talk to him but today is not the day. You've had minimal sleep, he's hungover and you're going to a wedding. Go enjoy your day out and when you are both not tired/hungover then talk about it.
You'll lived with it for 6 yrs another day or 2 isn't going to be a big deal.

@Bananalanacake

Why do you have to live with him? have a relationship but live apart, then you won't have to worry about him getting home, you are not his mother.

She'll worry more if she doesn't see him home and safe, surely.

Serious talk time. He fell down the stairs drunk, he’s lucky to be alive. I have friends who lost parents with alcohol issues that way. He needs to not drink if he behaves like that.

I don't usually rat my partner out to his mother but I would in this circumstance. Is that an option? The problem is it's a "funny thing" that only you seem to be upset by and he doesn't think that's enough of an incentive for him to change. Your role is the worrier why he gets to be the free one. If someone else waded in and honestly called him out then it might help him see you aren't just being "no fun", your opinion is valid here.

DH doesn’t really drink anymore because he embarrasses himself when he gets drunk. I’ve only actually witnessed him properly drunk twice and he is embarrassing, it’s not funny and just made me cringe. Once was at a work event and his colleagues were spurring him on to say stupid shit, I was completely mortified. He just stopped drinking from that point on, he will have one or two drinks max on special occasions but never gets drunk. He had a drug problem in his teens so before we met, he recognises that he has an impulse control so drink is just no good for him.

Your DP clearly has an impulse control too and he needs to grow up and realise this is a problem. He just can’t drink, it’s as simple as that. I don’t think you should put up with this behaviour, you aren’t teenagers or even 21 year old students.

I meant no impulse control, I’m very tired .

The really good thing is that when he has sobered up he does seem to be ‘mortified’ about it. Hopefully that will mean he takes you seriously and will do something about the situation if you have a calm and rational talk about it.
He's been doing this to OP for 6 years now. Being 'mortified' doesn't stop him doing it again.

he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic

He's an alcoholic.
The condition doesn't always mean daily drinking.
He drinks to a point where his behaviour is erratic & dangerous. He is unable to control this - because he is an alcoholic.

As you say yourself @AnonyMum21 - he just doesn’t know how to stop/slow down before it adversely affects his behaviour and judgement. - he cannot regulate. The alcohol is controlling him - because he cannot control it. Because - yeah - he's an alcoholic.

It's a real shame, as he is kind & lovely otherwise.
But OP you cannot continue exposing yourself to the constant worry, OR the danger he could put you or DS in. I know he takes pains not to drink around DS now, but what happens when he escalates?
Or is so hungover he is still acting erratically? The anecdote about his opening the car door on the motorway gave me the heeby jeebies.

Sounds like your dad is a problem drinker. Your partner is a problem drinker, and he has similar in his family too. I think you are under-reacting to this - it is pretty bad I would say.

I think it's interesting he wanted you as an audience to his stupidity. Why did he call you in the middle of the night?

I'd be tempted to switch off my phone when he goes out. He sleeps on the couch/ spare room those nights.

Drink until you vomit but DON'T INVOLVE ME!

He's got the opportunity to prove what a 'great guy' he is by knocking the drink on the head. That way he can be a great guy all the time and leave the bellendry at the door. If he can't/won't then it's time to consider your position.