To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

@spudina don't be sorry! It's when you reach out like this you realise how many others are suffering too.

@SophieKat1982 Grief is the price we pay for love therefore clearly you loved your mum with all your heart That was lovely, thank you

@willstarttomorrow This is it. It's kind of why I wanted to hear from others who had been through it at a similar age. I am not trying to take away anything from anyone but I think you can empathise more easily if you have been through it. So true what you say you learn to live around it. I hope your daughter will be ok, sounds like she has a lot of support from you

I know people have already quoted @Mischance but her post said what I would've only way better.

Op I am so sorry for your loss. That's a horrific trauma you and your sister endured. I think you've shown incredible strength posting about this and please take credit for that. I haven't experienced what you have- can only imagine. Like @Mischance said- I often have thoughts of what would happen if I died and left my dc10. The one thing I would want them to do is be happy. I'd want them to move on in the memory that they were loved and cherished more than anything. That our love was special 💔

My df lost his dad suddenly to a heart attack when he was 9. This was in the 50's though and maybe times were different- more suck it up/ unspoken maybe? He was the youngest of 5 siblings and had a very loving mum (who never married again or dated actually). My dad is the most stable, loving, caring person I know. I don't know how that came to be with the trauma he experienced, but it just is 🤷‍♀️. So op there is hope. Hope that you can get the validation and support you need. Hope you can cherish the love of your mother. Hope that things, feelings, emotions are never permanent. Things can get better. Sending big hugs 💐💐

@IHateCoronavirus Your post has pushed me to actual tears! Probably because I do need that hug. Sounds silly but my heart breaks for the me back then too. I always say to DH I feel so sorry for young me back then, what a horrible thing to go through.

No, we barely ever do. I don't know why. My sister is quite a stand offish person, she keeps everything inside. Maybe it's all too raw to talk about.

@HoxtonBonnet I'm really sorry, that's really sad. There have been a few people mentioning low self esteem on this thread, there must be something in that. I am really glad you have your sister to talk to. She is the only one who has been through exactly the same as you

Just to add as it is so apparent from this thread, when DH died there was absolutely no service to support DD. It was sudden so no hospice after care. Although I had worked with grieving children in the past I just wanted to be a mum/widow. I remember ringing around to find support for DD and there was nothing in one of the largest cities in the UK. I am so sorry that you have all had the experience of loosing a parent in childhood and then had absoultley no support when needed.

@Mischance

A really lovely post

@manseymoo1987 thank you so much. I so know she would be gutted if she knew how I felt and I know she would want me to be happy. I just know it.

YANBU. I lost mine soon after I turned 12. Changed me forever. Still struggle 26 years later.

I also lost my mum at 14 and it has definitely had a huge impact on my life- I have chosen not to have children because I felt I couldn't cope with the responsibility of not dying while they were growing up .

The thing that I have not been able to really get past is the way the adults in my life- family, teachers, behaved. It was never mentioned, none of them asked how I was feeling, just back to school a couple of days later as if she had never existed. I can't fathom how they thought this was ok- I know it was the 80s but surely it's just a basic human instinct to acknowledge someone's loss and grief? I can't imagine behaving like that, but they all did it so presumably it was thought the right way to behave? It is something I still can't get my head around.

[quote Tempnamechange33]@IHateCoronavirus Your post has pushed me to actual tears! Probably because I do need that hug. Sounds silly but my heart breaks for the me back then too. I always say to DH I feel so sorry for young me back then, what a horrible thing to go through.

No, we barely ever do. I don't know why. My sister is quite a stand offish person, she keeps everything inside. Maybe it's all too raw to talk about.[/quote]
You feel sad for the you you were back then. It is like another layer of grief, grief for your mum, grief for your brother, grief for the girl you were and the life she didn’t get to share with her mum.
I wonder if journaling to your younger self, giving her the love and support you didn’t feel she got, I wonder if it would be healing at all?

I miss her hugs, the family home that no longer exists, the fact that my children will never know a grandmothers love, sharing my successes with her, everything. Asking how her death changed me? I suffer from anxiety and cannot relax in any situation.

I'm so bloody sorry, OP.

I wish I could help.

I was 14 too and it has definitely impacted on me for whole of my life. I feel like there's a piece of me missing. I often feel like I just want someone to look after me like she would, which has had quite a negative impact on my marriage as DH doesn't get it. Most of all, now I have my own kids, I feel so so sad for her - she was a single parent to three young girls and she knew she was dying. Can you even imagine? I can't believe what she must have gone through. Unbearable.

@SuperWoofing

I totally understand...none of the adults in my life allowed me to talk about it. Nothing was mentioned. Like it had never happened. I think I would have grown up coping so much better and with way less issues if I could have just expressed my feelings.

@Tempnamechange33 thank you - sending you a big hug.

@Spudina

I was 16 when my DM died. It has shaped my life. I didn’t grieve at the time as I was in the middle of my A levels, so for years I had protracted abnormal grief. I thought I would never be happy again. But on the whole, (despite some spells with depression) I am happy. I feel guilty that I don’t think about her more. My Dad banned talking about her as soon as he met my Stepmum (six months later) so we all kind of got out of the habit. I have found parenting without my Mum to be hard though. She would have loved my kids. But it’s difficult to think of what she would have made of my life.Also, when she died I was a typical 16 year old and we fell out a lot so that was hard to live with. The guilt over all the things I should have done differently was crushing. I’ve never had grief counselling but should have at the time tbh. I still get a bit jealous with my friends relationships with their Mums. (Not least the childcare!) Sorry this was just a brain dump. But I hear you OP it’s tough. However, I was forced to be very independent and self sufficient after she died and I like to think that’s made me a stronger person. There has been the occasional upside.

In sorry to hear your dad banned talking about your mum. I was 36 when mum died. Dad met a new partner within 2 months. They’d had a difficult marriage and he never wanted her mentioned again. Unfortunately it led to him going NC with me 4 years later - that upped me into depression. I fought hard to regain a relationship with him, only for him to do it again just 6 months after that reunion. That was now 15 years ago. I lost my mum, that was difficult enough. But I also lost my father because he did not deal with the emotional fall out of my mums death - just avoided it

It is hard OP and what a rotten age for that to have happened. My Mum didn’t raise me as she was a drug addict and there were numerous issues. My Dad raised me alone and I had no contact with Mum until I was a late teenager so I missed out on a lot of the things you describe. A few years after that she passed away by suicide. I agree with previous posters that it’s locked away in a box, occasionally I’ll delve into that box and find myself crying but usually it’s somewhere deep in my brain that hurts but not unbearable as I’ve made peace with it. I’m sorry you’ve not found your peace yet OP, we all grieve in different ways.

lost my Dad at 17. It has had a profound impact on my life, I have long term depression, anxiety and hyper vigilence at times.
I miss my Dad all the time. My life would’ve been very different if he had lived

That describes it perfectly, lost mine at 7, l hate the empty feeling. It’s like being haunted.

My family wouldn’t talk about it either. And certainly not about how I was.

I got the feeling that people were more concerned about my ‘poor mother’ looking after teenagers and how she needed to get a new husband. I felt in the way.

I had a therapist say to me to imagine giving that teenager (me) a hug and that did actually help

My
Mother’s mother committed suicide when my mother was w child

Yes it effected her life daily

Yes she never got over it.

I'm really sorry OP, the way you lost your mum sounds really horrific and it's totally normal for something like that to affect you in such a huge way. I lost my mum when I was 8, and throughout my entire teens and twenties I would tell people I was fine, totally over it, I'd moved on (obviously all total bullshit!). Then the year before I turned the age that my mum died I had a complete anxiety meltdown and really really struggled with my mental health - even now after 2 years of therapy and medication I still have difficulty. Basically, after my mum died my dad and younger brother went to absolute pieces and I have a very clear memory from the funeral of my nan telling me I had to be the woman of the house now and look after the "boys". At 8 years old! That comment never left me, and I spent my whole childhood trying to brave it out and be the strong one to make life easier for my dad and so that I got all the praise for coping whilst my brother was spiraling. Which worked fine for me as a coping mechanism until I hit my 30's and then shit hit the fan. I was given a counselor at school when I went back after the funeral and after the first session she told me "if you need me just let a teacher know and I'll make an appointment", so I never saw her again because I was too embarrassed to let anyone know I wasn't managing. It's shit to leave something like grief therapy for a traumatized child in the hands of the child, rather than it being compulsory for a period of time. So yes OP, I know where you are coming from. It doesn't have to keep ruining your life but I think it will always be something that affects you and has an influence on who you are and how you behave/react to things.

I lost my dad when I was 6 and then more recently my mother at 30. I feel like another poster, bitter and jealous. I hate that I'm an orphan. I have no extended family and my kids miss her so much it's like double the pain. I carry on living my life and from the outside seem like I am doing well but its there, the undercurrent of everything that I am completely alone in the world. Its stifling and I feel cheated. But I know I can overcome this feeling, and my mum would be devastated to think of me being so sad all the time. She done a fantastic job at bringing me up single handedly and I dont want to let her down now.

My mum died just before Christmas when I was 12. I think I was numb to this for years.

Has it messed me up? Of course. In so many ways as well. For example I have bruxism where I clench and grind in bed at night and this began when my mum died. I am left with terrible teeth and constant pain.

When pregnant, I suffered terrible antenatal depression and I found out this was common for those who lose their mums when young.

I don’t know how I feel about my mum these days as I try not to think about her, the sense of loss is massive so maybe I still haven’t processed the loss all these years later? I think the worst thing for me was I was left with my dad who was alcoholic and verbally and financially abusive.

One thing I am very aware of is my daughter and how my death would affect her. My partner, her dad, is a really good dad but I hate to think that she has to grow up without me. I always say to him, if one of us has to die when she is young, it would be better if it was him because teen girls need their mums. I don’t know anyone else who thinks like this so I suppose it’s because my own loss is burned on me.

My memories of my mum now are only hazy and this also makes me feel sad.

OP, I think your thread has shown you you’re not on your own and I hope that makes you feel less alone, others can fully empathise with you.

my dad died when I was 5. it has messed me up. he was never really mentioned a bit like he never existed. I feel like there's part of me who doesn't know who I am.
I can't even imagine losing my mum.