To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

I'm actually finding this thread helpful.

I do wonder how things would have turned out if there had been support and grief counselling there for me, for me to be able to talk about her and how much I missed her- would I have grown up to be less fucked up?

Like @crazycatladyx I also have inoperable cancer & my daughter is only 3. I’m so sorry for everyone that has experienced loss or had to contemplate it. I think about it every day. It’s very painful. Life can be so unfair & I feel so sad that I may have to leave my daughter prematurely. I take comfort in some of the words here & knowing that we have moved on in terms of how we deal with grief.

@IHateCoronavirus I always think about doing something like that and then I don't bother because I think it won't do any good, and I don't want to bring up all that emotion for nothing! Very negative I know

My Mom died when I was 12. It has affected absolutely every single moment of my life and has traumatised me every day beyond belief. I totally understand what you mean about there being being a hole and that something is always missing. I am now 43 and can say hand on heart I have not been able to get to grips with it at all, and doubt I ever will. However I think it has made me really appreciate my own children in a way I couldn’t possibly have if I hadn’t have been through the trauma of losing my Mum. Sending big hugs 🤗

I know this sounds odd, but I remember thinking once that I could understand why a 'life sentence' was 25 years because it was only after this amount of time that I didn't think about my DM as much and wouldn't break out into tears when talking about my DM.

Huge hugs to all on this thread . My best friend lost her Mum to breast cancer when she was 12. She has gone on to have a fabulous life, great marriage, two grown up children and three grand children, but I know that she is a different person because of this enormous loss. I'm so sorry for you OP and everyone in a similar position.

@shepabear god, I can imagine how that comment stayed with you. and that makes me want to cry for you that you never asked to see the counsellor again. I know I would have been exactly the same and would have been too embarrassed!

@Fudgein a lot of your post resonated. About feeling alone deep inside. I hope you can get there.

@Wishihadanalgorithm
OP, I think your thread has shown you you’re not on your own and I hope that makes you feel less alone, others can fully empathise with you Oh it absolutely has. I have wanted to post for ages but didn't think anyone would respond. It has been cathartic actually. It's very soothing in a weird way hearing from people who have experienced not the same, but similar.

I know what you mean about not wanting your DD not to have you. I say similar to DH. In fact I have written him a list of TO-dos which is kept in a box, for if I die while the kids are young/teens. WOuldn't eb the same as me being there, but things he knows he needs to do. Top of the list, get the DC grief counselling!!

@LarryandLeon I'm so sorry I do think a lot of us here who struggle might have been in a better place as adults had we had help at the time. I am pretty confident in that in myself. It was all too little too late x

Sorry I can't reply to everyone this thread has moved so fast! I am very grateful for all the replies though and it seems a lot of us here are going through it. No one would know IRL as we all probably put a brave face on it all the time.

I am very sorry for your early loss, it must have been really, really hard growing up without your dear mother.

I however don't believe the things that have happened to us (however terrible) have to define or ruin our lives. They will definitely have a long-lasting impact, and change us, but that doesn't mean a life is ruined or that you can never be happy.

It sounds like you have some unresolved issues with your grief and might benefit from a strong relationship with a good therapist.

My mum raised her baby sister after her dad had a serious stroke that left him bedbound (for 45 years) so we were very close our family and my aunts. My Aunt died of breast cancer when she was only 40 and left her two kids at 13 (girl) and 17 (boy). Gosh they have been amazing. The girl was a nightmare all through her teens but is now a very (youngly promoted) oncology nurse. Her brother has struggled as a young adult but again, very successful and just had a gorgeous baby he is smitten with. Every single family thing, we think of my aunt and miss her presence. For me being just her niece, it is a tragedy and I wish so much she was still here. But for my cousins, you never recover from that. They are however fabulous people in their own rights and we are so proud of them. The girl (now young woman) is fierce like her mum. I know she feels the loss like a kick in the teeth for every even tiny life occassion. But as another poster said, as a mum, I just want my kids to wave me off and have no regrets that they only got me a short time should that be how life turns out. Its SUCH a cliche but the greatest gift you can give to you mum is to live a happy and contented life. If you can find ANY way to do that, please please do. Because the alternative makes me ache for your mum and panic at the thought of it all.

I really feel for you.
The best thing you can do to honour your Mum is live the best life possible, be thankful she was part of your life, even though for a short time. Live your life for the two of you, make her and yourself proud.

I fortunately still have my mum but the three people l can think of who lost their mums before their time all have long term issues. (One is a heavy drinker who l think will end up in an early grave, one is VERY needy and insecure and the other just so angry and everyone). Very sad for them all.
I lost my dad quite young but for me losing my mum would have been 100 times worse.
Big love to everyone who have lost their mum xx

I was 12, and as others have said it didn't surface as bad until I had DC, I have suffered severe anxiety re health and dying. Medication has helped but I will always worry about dying young. Just got to live every day like its your last and make plenty of memories along the way.

How strange I was just saying how I have left a list for DH in case I die - there is a film on BBC1 tonight called Mum's List! About a mum who is dying. That's so strange...will have to record it.

Wow, what an incredibly heartbreaking and tragic set of events for you and your mother to go through op

What really stood out to me was the two days where you knew terrible had happened/was going to happen and you wanted to speak to your mother but weren’t able to. That sounds very upsetting.

Trigger warning. I lost my mother as an adult so it bares no comparison to what you went through. She went to A&E with an infected tooth and basically ended up getting put in an induced coma for a week then was recovering for three weeks and sent home. A week later she collapsed in the park and died. (Was resuscitated and in intensive care but they declared her brain dead the next day) We had to ‘switch her off.’ There was a fair amount of miscommunication so we were expecting her to make some for m of recovery right up to the point they called it. I held her hand but it was still warm so I felt pretty awful walking away because it didn’t feel clear to me that she was 100% dead at that moment. I know that sounds mad but it wad all very traumatic and she looked strangely peaceful like she was sleeping, with colour in her cheeks.

Anyway, before I go off on a tangent. The unexpectedness of it caused me to similarly go through anxiety especially health anxiety. It takes up a lot of mental space, worrying 24/7. Just a suggestion but if you could try antidepressants specifically aimed at the anxiety (if you haven’t already) I feel it might give you the space to deal with the actual bereavement. My GP also prescribed me Propranolol which just switches off your adrenaline for an hour or two so it basically just helps to reset your bodies fight or flight mode which then helped the antidepressant/anti anxiety meds to do the rest. I only took them here or there but seemed to make a big difference.

I really hope you are able to find the thing in your life that can ‘fill the gap’ up a little. The thing that came close for me was having my DD and being able to attempt to give her some of the love my mother gave me. Your mother sounds like she was a very loving mother. I do get sad that my mother will never meet my DD as she absolutely loved babies and she would have given me so much advice and support which I don’t think anyone/anything can replace. I often think I would like to try and build a bridge between my daughter and my mother so they can have a relationship in some way. I’m wondering if something like that would help you a little; talking to your DCs about your lovely mother. I really hope everything works out for you op and your DH sounds wonderful x

Sorry for your loss, I lost my dad at sixteen, I just had a baby in the February she was born 6 weeks early, and my dad died suddenly in the April, it was hard at the time, I suppose I was too rapped up in trying to be a good mum, my own mum wasn't around she had run off with her lover, but I lived with my sister, who was a great help, I always have been lacking in confidence even now at 61, I wish now that I had some counselling, maybe It would of helped with my low self esteem.

@manseymoo1987

I know people have already quoted *@Mischance* but her post said what I would've only way better.

Op I am so sorry for your loss. That's a horrific trauma you and your sister endured. I think you've shown incredible strength posting about this and please take credit for that. I haven't experienced what you have- can only imagine. Like @Mischance said- I often have thoughts of what would happen if I died and left my dc10. The one thing I would want them to do is be happy. I'd want them to move on in the memory that they were loved and cherished more than anything. That our love was special 💔

My df lost his dad suddenly to a heart attack when he was 9. This was in the 50's though and maybe times were different- more suck it up/ unspoken maybe? He was the youngest of 5 siblings and had a very loving mum (who never married again or dated actually). My dad is the most stable, loving, caring person I know. I don't know how that came to be with the trauma he experienced, but it just is 🤷‍♀️. So op there is hope. Hope that you can get the validation and support you need. Hope you can cherish the love of your mother. Hope that things, feelings, emotions are never permanent. Things can get better. Sending big hugs 💐💐

My Dad also lost his Dad at a young age, he was 7. He's now 75. He married my Mum at 23.

He's the most amazing, stable, loving, happy person I know. He was the youngest of two siblings (his older brother was 15 at the time) and he basically had to take on the role of 'man of the house' at age 7 as my grandmother had to take on about 3 jobs to survive. I agree, it was different times and it really was just a 'pull your socks up' and get on with it.

I've not spoken too much to Dad about it. He remembers his Dad with love and affection but it definitely has not affected how he has subsequently lived his life. When I once asked him directly, he said it was bad enough it had happened, why would he then want to make the rest of his life equally miserable - he wanted to make his Dad proud.

He makes me proud every day.

My heart goes out to all of you with stories on this thread.

I don't know how he did it either, but it definitely didn't define him. There is hope I agree.

I think the words we use have power. So by saying your mums death has ruined your life it becomes your truth.

If you change the word you use it might help a little. Say your mums death changed your life. It's still true but it isn't quite as bleak and allows hope for the future.

Your mum sounds absolutely lovely - you were very lucky to have her and I'm so sorry you lost her. Im in awe of the understanding and strength your posts on this thread have shown. I bet you are a wonderful mum.

I can't talk from my own experience, but my dad lost his mum at 15 and it most certainly has.

I grew up without my mother from being a toddler so I have no real experience of anything. I haven't had all of those things but it's a different sense of loss to yours.

I was nine, my brother seven and sister three when my mother died, She was 43 and had cancer and smoked heavily which may have caused it. Being a religious family I was told she was in heaven and should pray for her. It was a tragedy at the time and badly handled, and is like having a crack running through one's childhood. I didn't know any other children in the same situation, it was very difficult. I had older half sisters who helped where they could. My father was older than my mother and I had a poor relationship with him and he died by the time I was 21. I left home as soon as possible and made some fairly awful decisions which might not have happened otherwise!.
She is like a mysterious person in the family and I missed having an adult relationship with her. She has missed out on so many things herself, her many grandchildren and great grandchildren, I am sorry for her and it was terrible for herself. She travels with us all in a way through our genes, and am certain she would have not wanted us to be unhappy.

Thanks @Tempnamechange33. I am so sorry for your loss & that you weren’t given more support at the time. You sound like a lovely, caring person & I’m sure your mum would be very proud of you.
Since my diagnosis I have realised how much we avoid talking about death & dying. There is a real wall of silence & stigma in terms of how it’s dealt with. This makes it even harder for those that are dying or have lost loved ones. Obviously times have changed but we still have a long way to go. I’m so sorry for those that were abandoned to deal with their grief alone.

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

This brought a tear

I hope you find peace OP

@37Everydaydayisaschoolday whilst I understand your sentiment - i think it is misjduged. The loss of a parent in childhood is completely life changing and also the consequences are little understood by those who have not experienced it.

I have found this thread so helpful as a parent who has to support a child through an early loss. Most bereaved children will also have a remaining adult who is also bereaved, and even if well intentioned, will struggle to offer the emotional support needed (alongside keeping the world turning practically and financially). It is so increadibly complex- however the moment I had to tell my 8 year old her dad died will never leave me. I am also very aware of the times I got it wrong in the aftermath

My mum lost her mum at 13, after a long illness.
She had to grow up in a large family- her dad also had mental health issues.
She married my dad at 19 and had 3 children in just over 4 years. By choice, never learned to drive and was always very unhappy - I think she felt trapped.
Struggled with her own mental health for years. Found me particularly difficult (I was the eldest) and as a consequence I am very close to my dad.
6 years ago she upped and left my dad and cut all contact with me. She thought (without talking to me about it) that I would 'take his side.'
I think she has had a miserable life since the day her mum died - and I hope she is happy now.
She does still speak to my sister.
My dad still loves her very much and cannot move on with his life.
My children do not have a granny.
I don't have my mum - and never really did.
I think it's all because of the loss of her own mum and she has never been able to get over it. She has just been unsuccessfully trying to be happy ever since.