To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

@Googleplexian

thank you, and I think you may have a point their about therapies to do with the 'inner child' I do sometimes feel I am stuck as the lost teen, in my head. Something to look into

@Everydaydayisaschoolday Thank you that is so lovely to hear. Really, it it makes me so happy as I try my best to be a loving and caring mum to my DC despite the bad days.

@Tilltheend99 I'm so sorry about what happened to your DM That sounds horrific.

I have only ever been on sertraline. I've not heard of Propranolol so will look into that. I know what you mean about the health anxiety. I never trust doctors and always think they are missing something. Exhausting isn't it?

she would have given me so much advice and support which I don’t think anyone/anything can replace this is so true. I remember feeling so alone after having first DC. All those little worries that you would normally call your mum for. I didn't know what I was doing! Much like you I expect. But you muddle through.

I do have a wonderful supportive DH, I'm very lucky. the children don't really get it. I will show them a photo of her, then a year will go by and maybe I'll show them another photo and they ask 'who's that?'! I don't blame them!! I don't talk about her enough maybe.

Interview today in Daily Mail with Jamie Dornan. His mum died when he was 16. His dad said, “Don’t let this be the thing that defines you’.

This terrifies me as I have 4 children aged between 13 and 8 and had breast cancer a couple of years ago. I feel so sick to think that I could destroy their lives by it coming back worse next time and there is nothing I can do about that.

Interview today in Daily Mail with Jamie Dornan. His mum died when he was 16. His dad said, “Don’t let this be the thing that defines you’.

I get what he’s saying but this kind of loss hits people in different ways. Some got no support. Some people witnessed their families falling apart. It’s terrifying to have your security threatened when you have no alternatives, but are old enough to see what’s going on.

Life may ‘go on’ for sone but for others it’s more than a bereavement.

Life may ‘go on’ for sone but for others it’s more than a bereavement

Completely agree.

What was said about not missing your Mum resonates with me. I think I miss the idea of her if that makes sense. I’ve been without her longer than I was with her. I’ve no idea what she would make of the grown up me. I’ve no idea how we would have navigated our adult relationship. Things were just a godawful mess between us at the time I lost her.

My father died when I was 10, our mother died when my younger brother was 11, he then died young leaving a widow and three children under 10 who are all adults now.

We all recovered from bereavement, did our best at school, worked in interesting careers, supported ourselves financially, had lots of hobbies, friends, fell in love, had partners, married; had kids.

Yes, its terribly sad to lose a parent young. We miss out on a lot. But I've long been convinced that my sibs and I have all benefited in positive ways from our enforced independence. With no financial or emotional back-stop, we had to take responsibility for ourselves and our sibs. We learned resilience, to try harder, be stronger, more energetic, more organised, harder working than most people our age. Because we had no choice.

I had no mother or father to help raise my children. But on the plus side, I already knew a lot about home- care for the sick, (compassion, patience, bravery under fire) and everything about the care of newborn babies because as I had to do a lot of baby care for my baby brother from birth ( when our widowed mother was out at work). She had impressed on me that I must learn to earn my own living; never depend on a man for a home and financial support, PLAN conception. And that she had no time or energy to supervise my education: I was on my own, sink or swim. Drowning was not an attractive option; so I swam. When our mother became terminally ill, I cared for her at home. Just like she did for my Dad; using the skills I'd unconsciously picked up from her. It was sad, it was bloody hard, I thought I would break, but didn't. My mother had taught me, when the chips are down, anybody can do anything. It's a fantastic life lesson I've passed down to my sons, the grandkids she never met.

 Don't give up.  Your Mother gave you a life to live.  Go live it.

@lovelygreenplants

This terrifies me as I have 4 children aged between 13 and 8 and had breast cancer a couple of years ago. I feel so sick to think that I could destroy their lives by it coming back worse next time and there is nothing I can do about that.

What you can do , is teach them the skills they need to cope.

What you can do , is teach them the skills they need to cope.

It sounds like you got this support. Not everyone did. I certainly didn’t.

If I could change one thing it would be that my dad had talked to me before he died, about how much he loved me and what he loved about me. That would have given me a lot of strength.

14 is so young and that’s so tough.
My mum died when I was 21 and it’s been hard. I wish things were different all the time. But I KNOW she wouldn’t have wanted it to ruin my life, life is for the living. I sometimes allow myself to be really sad but I try to compartmentalise that and focus on the things in my life I’m so lucky for.

If you go through life negatively focussed on what you don't /didn't have or experience, you likely to be pretty miserable and feel hard done by.
So you have made a choice to "ruin your life"

Yes, it was unfortunate, and I'm sorry - but having experienced the loss of your mother who died at a young age, why not make the choice to make the most of every day?

@Grazyna80

Sorry OP. I’ve lost my dad at 9 . It truly sucks. I always missed him , and was jealous of other girls nice dads ,and relationships they had . It’s so unfair.

I lost my Dad early. My best friend at high school had a wonderful dad ( like mine, an older dad on his second marriage/family). She was the older child and only girl in a family of 4 on a dairy farm. At puberty, she developed huge boobs and very heavy sweating and her horrible little brothers teased her ragged. BF's Lovely Dad had an en suite bathroom installed from her bedroom, for her comfort and privacy( totally unheard-of luxury/extravagance on a farm in 1960). Every morning when he got up for milking he brought his 14 yr old DD a cup of tea and ran her a bath. (Daily baths were another unheard of luxury). All for a teenager terribly anxious about her giant boobs and BO. The other thing he did was take her out for a Dad/Daughter lunch a few times a year, at the Farmers Club. When he met me and heard I had no Dad he invited me to come too. In retrospect the Hereford Farmers Club dining room was an oldfashioned fuddy duddy dark wood restaurant. Starched linen table cloths and ancient waiters. BF and I were the only females in a sea of tweedy gruff rural men . Her dad drew out our chairs and tactfully demonstrated what to do with the table napkins and made charming conversation and helped us choose three courses from the menu. Two country teenage girls felt as if we were in the Ritz on a cloud of bliss and ultra sophistication. I never forgot it. Lucky, lucky BF

Many years later , long after we'd grown up, she wrote to tell me her dad had died and invited me to raise a glass on his birthday.

Thinwomansbrain, it’s not quite as easy as that.

My dad died when I was just 13, I think it has affected how my life has turned out. I have a fear of people disappearing, it is a bit weird because if someone has died I can cope with it but the thought of someone not being there and not being able to say goodbye still affects me. He went into hospital for something routine, no expectation he would die so one day I went to school and he was getting ready to go to hospital and 24 hrs later I woke up to be told he was dead.

I'm sure if he'd lived I'd have stayed in education longer, I'd have married later, I'd have had children later but I can't say I'm sad all the time. I do wish he'd met his GC and GGC.

If you go through life negatively focussed on what you don't /didn't have or experience, you likely to be pretty miserable and feel hard done by.
So you have made a choice to "ruin your life"

@ThinWomansBrain

I have to disagree. It's not a conscious choice. And I don't sit around thinking about it all the time, what might have been etc. It's more the anxiety, health anxiety, depression, trauma, OCD that I have been left with. Making it hard to be happy. It's a constant fight. Trust me, if it was a choice, I would be. Mental health conditions are not that easily controlled unfortunately. Also I have had therapy over and over and over. So I don't see how I have just chosen it, I have been actively fighting it!!!

Yes, it was unfortunate, and I'm sorry - but having experienced the loss of your mother who died at a young age, why not make the choice to make the most of every day It was tragic

I’m so sorry for your loss.
My mum died when I was 11. My younger sister was 8 and my brother was not quite 2. She was only 33 and died unexpectedly, not after a long illness or anything, so there wasn’t time to ‘prepare’ as such. Not that I’m sure you can really prepare for these sorts of things but you know what I mean.
I wouldn’t say my life has been ruined, but it is so hard knowing all the things she missed.
Finishing high school, going to uni, first job, passing my driving test, my wedding day, meeting her granddaughters etc.
What I find hardest though is thinking back to that time and feeling so sad for my younger Self and my siblings. We were so little! Also being the oldest a lot of (I’m sure well meaning) relatives would say things like “you need to be brave for your little sister and brother, don’t let them see you cry” or “it’ll upset your dad so much if you cry, try not to be sad”. But I was sad, my mum was dead and I was only 11.
It is really hard to grow up without a mum, especially through those teenage years.
I don’t know if it was just because it was the 90s, or if my school and others around me were a bit crap, but I was never offered any sort of therapy or anything. I just went back to school and no one talked about it anymore.
Sorry for all the rambling. Anyway I totally get what you mean, and can understand why you feel the way you do.

@ImALittleBitAlexis I was saying that upthread somewhere, about my heart breaking for my younger self! What we had to go through eh? So tough. I don't think comments like that are at all helpful, that's a lot of weight on your young shoulders. Of course you should have been allowed to cry and feel all your feelings. No it doesn't seem like therapy or any sort of aftercare was a thing back then unfortunately. Such a shame.

Also I've found I really over compensate with my own DC. So because I had to grow up fast and be independent and didn't have a mum to do stuff for me...I have ended up waiting on my children hand and foot! It's because I hate the thought of them ever struggling on their own.

Also I've found I really over compensate with my own DC. So because I had to grow up fast and be independent and didn't have a mum to do stuff for me...I have ended up waiting on my children hand and foot! It's because I hate the thought of them ever struggling on their own Aah! I get it. We can't bear them going through that pain, any pain. I wouldn't say I wait on mine hand and foot- im too lazy for that but I absolutely cannot bear when something bad (however trivial) happens to them. It tears me up inside.

Do you think about when they are older and get married and have children (if they do either of those things)? How you are going to go out of your way to help them? Just because you didn't have your mum there and know how it feels?

... that could just be a mum thing though!

I lost my mum when I was 7. My siblings were 10, 14 & 16.

It is part of what has made us who we are. It didn't ruin our lives.

Life is what you make it. Don't blame YOUR disappointment and dissatisfaction with your life on one event. It's on you to change your life.

@ThinWomansBrain suffering with mental health isn’t a “choice”, and losing a parent as a child isn’t “unfortunate”. On the whole, mental health problems are no more of “a choice” than physical ones. Your post is insensitive at best.

@Tempnamechange33

Also I've found I really over compensate with my own DC. So because I had to grow up fast and be independent and didn't have a mum to do stuff for me...I have ended up waiting on my children hand and foot! It's because I hate the thought of them ever struggling on their own Aah! I get it. We can't bear them going through that pain, any pain. I wouldn't say I wait on mine hand and foot- im too lazy for that but I absolutely cannot bear when something bad (however trivial) happens to them. It tears me up inside.

Do you think about when they are older and get married and have children (if they do either of those things)? How you are going to go out of your way to help them? Just because you didn't have your mum there and know how it feels?

Oh I will definitely help them...but I'm also looking forward to having a break once my DC are adults.... parenting without parental help is hard work! Sadly the man I chose has the most useless disinterested mother ever and his dad isn't around. If I could go back in time I wish I'd chosen a man with really helpful involved parents...it would have made my life much better I think.