Page 12 | To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

Tempnamechange33 · 2022-01-14T17:39:14+00:00

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged. She wasn't around when I bought my first bra. She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's. She wasn't around when I had my first kiss. She never met my husband. She wasn't at my wedding. She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on. Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me. She died along with my baby brother. I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy. I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right? Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

OhWhyNot · 15/01/2022 15:14

Of course it’s understandable you feel this way

I think accepting this is how I feel and others accepting this is how you feel (it’s nature to want to try and make those we love feel better) is the start of some healing.

Will it always be as bad is every day difficult I don’t know but you have expressed how you feel I can’t tell you thats wrong just I feel terribly sad for you and as another poster said this isn’t what your mum would have wanted

But don’t deny your feelings it’s ok to feel so so sad and lost (that’s what comes over maybe I’m wrong)

Original poster

Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 15:16

@Wallywobbles

Life is what you make it. Don't blame YOUR disappointment and dissatisfaction with your life on one event. It's on you to change your life

I think I said upthread how good my life is. Amazing DH and DC, nice job, nice house etc etc. I don't particularly think anything in my life needs changing! It's very hard when you have everything you could want on paper to be happy but still can't be. I am weighed down with the mental health struggles it has left me. I have TRIED over and over. How do you think I change my life? I would welcome any constructive advice.

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Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 15:18

@Comedycook yes!! I read somewhere once, maybe on here. Trying to navigate parenthood without having that parental influence yourself, how hard that is. Ah I'm sorry :(

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Lightswitch123 · 15/01/2022 15:18

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

Lovely words and sentiment. Good luck OP

Original poster

Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 15:19

@OhWhyNot thank you I definitely think sad and lost is it. I'm hopeful maybe one day things will get better, since starting this thread. Maybe I need to talk about it more. I'm going to keep trying

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/01/2022 15:20

Thinwomemsbrain, trauma affects the plasticity of the developing brain. If you look at ACE scores, the biggest predictor of needing anti depressants is trauma in childhood.

It’s not about making choices, it’s about survival. Choices are a luxury

QuizzicalEyebrows · 15/01/2022 15:22

Perhaps now allow yourself to be happy by putting yourself in your DC place and them wanting you to be happy for them and that that would have made your DM very happy to to see you happy with your life and DC

OhWhyNot · 15/01/2022 15:30

Therapy doesn’t have to end and can always be returned to when you feel you need it. Grief has no end so why should therapy

Some people have a few months every few years, others weekly for years there is no wrong or right way

Yes I hope starting this thread helps take your time. Sounds like you have done great getting to where you are already and maybe it’s time to let some of those feelings of sadness go (they won’t disappear) that’s a big shift but sounds like you are in the right place in your life to make it

OhWhyNot · 15/01/2022 15:31

Oops meant to add

Personally would prefer

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 15/01/2022 15:36

I've lost my mum. I think what made me feel better is accepting that she has gone. I spent time trying to fill the mum shaped hole. It didn't work. I miss her still but it doesn't hurt as much.

I've thrown myself into my children and instead become the best mum i can be. I used to feel sad they didn't have hrandparents but they don't miss what they haven't got.

Original poster

Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 15:38

Therapy doesn’t have to end and can always be returned to when you feel you need it. Grief has no end so why should therapy very true!

@OhWhyNot

Sounds like you have done great getting to where you are already Thank you, this is nice to hear. There have been many, many times in the past where I have wanted to die, up to and including last week (I would never do anything now, couldn't do that to DC) Me 15 years ago would be happy with where I am now in life. Perhaps not mentally. But I have a lot to be thankful for. And I'm still here!

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Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 15:39

Oh and yes always cake over flowers!!!

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HelloFrostyMorning · 15/01/2022 17:15

I'm going against the grain here. Whilst @Mischance means well in her post, from 17.47 yesterday, (Friday,) I actually don't think it's hugely amazing or spectacularly helpful. Someone who lost their mother at a young age would know that it's not that easy to pick yourself up, and 'move on,' and know your mother would want you to do it for your children etc. We all know that, but putting it into practice is quite different.

Her post...

...if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones...

and

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap...........You can do it.

It's very poetic and well-meant, but it's not as easy as it sounds to just brush yourself off and get on with things. It takes a lot more than a few well-meant words on mumsnet to move on from losing your mother at a young age.

It's a crushing blow that you never recover from. It breaks you, in a way you don't think you can ever break. The only thing worse is losing a child.

@Tempnamechange33 YANBU. No-one 'gets it' unless they have been there. You have every right to feel like you do, and it's understandable. Whilst it's a lovely idea to just 'move on' and think of your mother fondly, and smile when you think of her and say 'YOU CAN DO IT,' the reality is different. It's very VERY hard to get over your mother's death when you lost her so young...

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/01/2022 17:24

HelloFrostyMorning, l agree. Everyone else liked it so much l thought it was just me!

olivehater · 15/01/2022 17:33

OP my mum didn’t die so it’s not on the same level but my dad did some unforgivable things and I have cut him out of my life. I feel as though I have lost a parent and never quite had closure as couldn’t mourn in the same way.

However I want to say I identify with what you said about your partner. It’s like my DH was sent from heaven to make up for my shit dad. He is the best most amazing husband and father and whenever I get sad I remind myself of that and hold onto that thought.

Darker · 15/01/2022 17:49

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

HelloFrostyMorning, l agree. Everyone else liked it so much l thought it was just me!

I think a few people have provided a counter point of view.

Bereavement is very personal and losing a parent when you are a child can affect people differently. It can affect siblings in the same family very differently.

HelloFrostyMorning · 15/01/2022 18:02

@olivehater

OP my mum didn’t die so it’s not on the same level but my dad did some unforgivable things and I have cut him out of my life. I feel as though I have lost a parent and never quite had closure as couldn’t mourn in the same way.

However I want to say I identify with what you said about your partner. It’s like my DH was sent from heaven to make up for my shit dad. He is the best most amazing husband and father and whenever I get sad I remind myself of that and hold onto that thought.

HelloFrostyMorning · 15/01/2022 18:04

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

HelloFrostyMorning, l agree. Everyone else liked it so much l thought it was just me!

And I'm glad it's not just me!

aweebitlost · 15/01/2022 19:32

@HelloFrostyMorning That post sat really badly with me too. But generally I’ve found this thread incredibly helpful. So THANK you, OP. And you’ve been so empathetic and gentle with your responses to everyone, it sounds like - however dark things may feel at times - all the love that your Mum poured into you in your childhood is still flowing out.

HelloFrostyMorning · 15/01/2022 19:35

[quote aweebitlost]@HelloFrostyMorning That post sat really badly with me too. But generally I’ve found this thread incredibly helpful. So THANK you, OP. And you’ve been so empathetic and gentle with your responses to everyone, it sounds like - however dark things may feel at times - all the love that your Mum poured into you in your childhood is still flowing out.[/quote]
Again, glad it's not just me! I know the poster meant well though, so that's why I tried my best to not be rude or nasty about her. And yeah, this thread is very cathartic. Thanks for starting it @Tempnamechange33

aweebitlost · 15/01/2022 19:36

Do you think about when they are older and get married and have children (if they do either of those things)? How you are going to go out of your way to help them? Just because you didn't have your mum there and know how it feels?

For me, I just find it impossible to imagine myself as a Grandma, I simply can’t believe I will still be alive when my DC are grown up. Very sadly, my Mum also lost her Mum in childhood, so I didn’t have a maternal Grandma just like my kids don’t. But my MIL sets an amazing example of grandmotherhood. So I hope I can be like her if I am still here.

Original poster

Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 19:54

@aweebitlost Thank you that's such a lovely thing to say @HelloFrostyMorning I'm glad I did!

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Tempnamechange33 · 15/01/2022 20:01

@aweebitlost that's so sad what happened to your poor mum. losing her own young and then leaving you too soon. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad for you that you have a wonderful MIL and I'm sure you will have many good times ahead where you can follow her examples

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HelloFrostyMorning · 15/01/2022 20:08

[quote Tempnamechange33]**@aweebitlost* Thank you that's such a lovely thing to say @HelloFrostyMorning* I'm glad I did![/quote]

OnaBegonia · 15/01/2022 20:16

My DD15 lost her dad 6mths ago and her grief is incalculable. By her own admission he was her soul mate and she has days of heartbreaking grief, I quietly hope it doesn't mark her for life and she can go on and be happy, her dad wouldn't want it to overwhelm her.
These stories here are so sad but also a testament to the wonderful strong people you all are x