To think losing my mother at 14 has ruined my life

[Tempnamechange33]

It's affected every single thing since. I think that day she died, my life was irreparably damaged.

She wasn't around when I bought my first bra.
She wasn't there when i did my GCSE's.
She wasn't around when I had my first kiss.
She never met my husband.
She wasn't at my wedding.
She wasn't there when I had DC... and so on.

Thinking about everything I have had to do without her pains me.

She died along with my baby brother.

I've had countless rounds of talk therapy, CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy.

I KNOW I'll never be happy. There will always be a hole. Suffering a trauma like that at that age has to forever fuck you up right?

Anyone else who lost a mother as a teen. Are you ok? Has it completely shaped your life and who you are like it has me?

I lost my Dad at 23 - as PP have said, life feels like a before, and then an after. I went from being a typical early 20's, not a care in the world, adventurous girl who could always fall back on him to bail me out of any sticky situation (in trouble at college? Call Dad! Crashed the car? Call Dad! Too drunk to get the train home? Call Dad!), to someone bitter, numb, and out of my depth. Mum has a disability and my sister was already fragile and emotionally immature, so sorting out all the bills, death certificates, affairs became my job. I grew up instantly, and at times I wonder where that carefree girl vanished to.

I always remember him berating me for taking an admin role - I was an extremely bright child but as I grew older lost the ability to apply myself somewhat (!) - "why do you want to work in an office" but I took that job, threw myself into it as a way to distract myself, and now I'm in charge of the business. I always wonder if he'd have been proud of me after all. I learned so much about so many things that were never on my radar at a young age, and have always tried to help others with whatever I could when they needed it.

To everyone here, my heart goes out to you, for all your losses

I agree this should be in classics btw

@Tempnamechange33 Have you heard of the ‘Grief Recovery’ course? I lost my mum when I was in my early twenties and like you, felt like it had ruined my life and I would never recover. I tried counselling and talking therapies but they didn’t help. I remember during counselling sessions always thinking ‘this is great if I needed someone to listen to me (but I have loads of friends for that) but I really want someone to give me ‘tools’ or ‘strategies’ to actually deal with the grief, not just listen to how I feel.

The grief recovery course really does give you help to cope with what has happened and how it affects your life. It is called a course because you work alongside a ‘specialist’ (they don’t call themselves therapists because you are the one doing all the work) and read a book to help you complete ‘tasks’ that help you process your loss. It sounds kinda weird until you actually do it, but honestly I haven’t been the same since!

The best way I can describe it, is that it helps you to let go of the pain and all the horrible memories of the loss and just keep the good memories of the person and have hope for the future. The way my mum died was horrific to watch, but since doing the course, this isn’t what I focus on anymore. I can even talk about her last days without crying or feeling all the pain anymore. It also touches on how you will feel at different mile stones in your life without the person and teaches you how to cope when you reach these milestones.

It really was worth every penny. You could even just try reading the book first and then see if you can find a specialist to do the sessions with if you like what you’ve read. Search ‘grief recovery handbook’ on google or Amazon and it comes up- it’s got a purple front cover.

I hope you one day can find your peace with your loss, whatever path you take x

I lost my mum at 10. It has definitely affected my life.
I have a lot of anxiety, especially health anxiety and I hate being the centre of attention or looked on with sympathy. I am also lacking in self esteem.

However 30 years later, I do have an absolutely wonderful DH and two great kids. I think getting married and especially having kids has given me a greater sense of stability and purpose/meaning.
I am muddling through and practicing gratitude every day for what I do have.
Life can be extremely unfair.

[quote willstarttomorrow]@37Everydaydayisaschoolday whilst I understand your sentiment - i think it is misjduged. The loss of a parent in childhood is completely life changing and also the consequences are little understood by those who have not experienced it.

I have found this thread so helpful as a parent who has to support a child through an early loss. Most bereaved children will also have a remaining adult who is also bereaved, and even if well intentioned, will struggle to offer the emotional support needed (alongside keeping the world turning practically and financially). It is so increadibly complex- however the moment I had to tell my 8 year old her dad died will never leave me. I am also very aware of the times I got it wrong in the aftermath[/quote]
This second paragraph is very much what I wanted to say. I am the surviving parent. My DC were 6 and 10 when DH died suddenly 4 months ago. My 10 year old is not coping, my now 7 year old appears absolutely fine. This thread isn’t very reassuring, but we are lucky that the school is incredibly helpful and supportive and DC1 has a good relationship with the staff and talks to them, and I am trying to get bereavement counselling for both my DC. I was also a bereaved child in the early 90s, my baby brother died, and, like many of you, experienced that there was no support and no one ever mentioned him, so when I am at a loss for how to help DC at least I know we will continue to talk about DH and remember him and they have the chance to talk to other people. But, as willstarttomorrow says, it is incredibly difficult to support DC through the worst thing that could have happened to them whilst also going through that grief myself (not to excuse the terrible way some of the surviving parents described in this thread behaved). Reading this thread has left me wondering what my DC will say when they are adults about this experience and my reaction and how it affected them.

OP and everyone else in the same situation, I wish you all the best and am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry and I completely get it. My mom died when I was 6. I've had to navigate you

Sorry pressed send too soon! My own mum died when I was 6, I've had to navigate most of your list without her and it's been very hard.

The best way I've tried to cope with it is to try and do things for her. I talk to her (out loud) and ask for help etc. I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way but I try not to romanticise how my life would be if she was here. In my teens and twenty's, when something went wrong for me I would add to my own misery by thinking 'if my mum was here she would fix this' it was like I was collecting things to be sad about if you know what I mean. It didn't help me and really there's no guarantee that she would have been able to fix things for me. I think now I'm a bit older I try to accept that this is my story and I have to make the best of it. Be a good mum to my kids and be thankful for my health and the time I have. My own daughter is quite poorly with epilepsy at the moment so we are in the childrens hospital a lot and some of the situations I see there make your heart break. I guess what I'm saying is please try not to see your own life as over or that you won't be happy again.

My dad never really met anyone else and now lives quite a sad, lonely life. He wasn't very nice to the few 'girlfriends' he had after mum and now in his 70s lives alone. His grief made him quite a bitter person and some of the comments he has made to me and my brothers over the years have made a far greater impact. Xxx

[quote RestingStitchFace]@Interrobanger
For a long time after she dies I was not living my best life. I wasn’t thriving, I was functioning. I was traumatised and that trauma touched everything - my job, my relationships, how I felt about myself. So many opportunities not taken. So much time wasted in crap relationships. So much fear keeping me stuck.

This absolutely nails it. This was exactly me for about 10 years. [/quote]
Some good podcasts I found have helped me/others who have had 'out of order' losses...

Griefworks - Julia Samuels is excellent.

Griefcast - cariad Lloyd talks to Comedians about loss.

Grief encounters

Dead Parent Club... Which is brilliant, funny and hopeful.

This thread resonates so much. I am so sorry for your loss OP and everyone else experiencing similar on here.

My mum died 6 weeks before my 13th birthday. It was quite sudden, she had been experiencing various vague symptoms like bloating and abdo pain and GPs had said it was anything from menopause to all in her mind and to try Sanatogen(this was the 1980s).

Then a new young GP came along and sent her for a scan and they found terminal cancer metastasised so badly we never knew the primary (although i am confident ovarian now with my own research). We were told the next day she had 6 months to live but actually she died the next day. I never saw her after she left the house to go for the test and said “bye!”. my Dad wouldn’t let me said she was too drugged up and I wouldn’t recognise her. I just wanted to tell her I had bought a copy of Jane Eyre in the bookshop, I don’t think I grasped it all. The Thursday evening I was watching Eastenders, Angie had got a stripper in the Vic. And the phone went and everyone started crying and I didn’t know what was happening, eventually my uncle pulled me aside and said you do know she’s gone don’t you, and that was that. My older brother had been travelling back and he was too late too. Weeks later I cycled down to her grave to tell her that Den was the father of Michelle’s baby (we had been gripped to that storyline!).

It was surreal, I didn’t process it. I even laughed when I saw her coffin because it was on this shopping trolley type thing that just looked odd. I went back to school and was bullied for most of the rest of my time there. The term my mum died my report said “attendance could have been better”, no mention was made. Dad didn’t like talking about her said it “opened old wounds”.

Anyway I am rambling but yes it shaped me in a way I have never really realised. Me and Dad bumbled along, I was quite a Dad’s girl anyway. I left and joined the Navy when I left school, we lived very rurally and I had to get away.

When my Dad then dropped dead of a heart attack when i was 25 I thought my world was going to end. Was pregnant with eldest and her father was a twat. Just awful grief.

Thankfully married to a fantastic DH now, who my Dad had met as we went out in our teens. I have a good job and a great family. I am now a year older than my Mum was when she died. I had my ovaries removed a year ago as they were precancerous, I hope I dodged a bullet.

Both of my parents are still alive but there has been a lot of loss in the wider family and this resonates through all of our lives like a seam of trauma that we are never far from.

My teenage son has several friends who's parents have died or are terminally ill and the pain is so so difficult to bear witness to.

I cannot begin to comprehend the suffering that so many people have to endure and I actually cannot understand why we have children when we expose them to the possibility of such bottomless pain.

I know that religions through the ages have sought to make sense of human suffering and the only answer I come back to is that Love is the Answer. It doesn't make me feel better, bring a bright light to my world and make me skip off into the sunset, but it keeps me here trying to make the best of what we have and to wrap my children in love so that they can come back to the safe place of knowing that they are loved, unconditionally, whenever they are hurting. I don't believe my mother loved her children unconditionally because she did not feel that from her own mother and she also suffered the loss of a child before she had her own and she has never known what to do with that pain.

@Mischance that is the nicest thing I have ever read on MN.

It is fantastic advice.

It made me cry but I will never forget what you said.

Thank you.

This thread💔

Heartbreaking and helpful at the same time. Whenever l meet someone who lost a parent young, l always feel a sort of connection. They know the pain and emptiness the same as you. And the pain of not knowing the parent as a person.

I can only recommend the FB group again. Adults bereaved as Children. It’s really supportive and helpful. It chimes with ever single story on here.

I’m sorry OP. I’m sorry for all the bereaved children ( and when a parent dies you feel like a lost child) on here.

I’ve struggled for 50 years. I never knew my father. I hardly remember him.

I hope we all find some sort of peace and acceptance.

Did anyone just not grieve and try and pretend it hadn’t happened? I remember my mum trying to tell me and l told her not to.

💐💐💐💐. I feel so sorry for you OP.

There are some amazingly Insightful and kind replies on this thread. @Mischance 's post was lovely.
Some things in life are just very very sad. They can't be fixed.

I lost my dad at 14 I only coped because I still had my lovely mum but if it had been the other way round I don't think I would have coped as well. Thirty four years on I still wish I had my dad and my daughter a grandpa. My half brother lost his dad at 5 and I know he feels the pain of it but hides it away. Life is bloody bloody unfair.

I also think that people who haven’t lost a parent early can never understand the pain or lifelong ramifications it causes.

So much mention on here of anxiety, depression, low self esteem, fear of being abandoned. Common to us all.

My dad was very ill for a couple of years before he died and there is a huge disconnect between the lives of my friends and what was going on at school and what I came home to. No school counselling or support in those days. My mum didn’t get any support either. People didn’t know it was happening or didn’t know what to do. My best support was from my friend who was only a teen herself.

The pain never goes away, but it should start to lessen and for you to find happiness in your own relationship and family. It's clear still an open trauma for you.

@crazycatladyx

This terrifies me.

I have inoperable cancer and there's every chance that my children will lose me before they're adults.

Is there anything your mom could have done to make it easier? I just want my children to be ok

@crazycatladyx

I am so sorry that you’re going through this, I hate that you have to worry about these things.

My parents both passed away when I was about to turn 13 and my dad was always upfront, my mum was in denial and wasn’t so upfront. We knew they would die just not when, the night before she died she made me a promise of when I pass my GCSEs she will buy a nice present. So I thought it want her soon it’s years away … next day she was gone.

I would say be honest always just talk abs tell the truth, what she said made it worse cos I told myself we had a long time left and I still think why did she do that.

I always thought if I was in this position I would make time we had left fun and memorable.
I would make photo albums for each of them with my writing- that matters. Missing someone’s handwriting is a real thing.

Write bday and Xmas cards out for every year and ask a trusted person to give every year, and a few back ups in case they die ❤️
Write personal special msgs in the cards too.

Organise counselling asap for them to understand all the feelings, all children are different and will act differently.

Speak to them about anything they might wonder about like any family things they might be curious about, things you want them to know that other family members might have different opinions on.

If you can, buy them a special necklace or something they can keep, we had one each I still wear have every day since they died.
You can get a book or anything personal.

Involve them with everything, even talk about funeral plans because they will feel like they’ve been part of what you wanted like songs or what ever x
Also ask if they want to be with you at the end, my sister was forced and it had a long lasting affect.

Take photos loads of them, together and even selfies of you they can’t have enough and videos and voice notes for them.

Most of all no false hope and always be honest ❤️

I hope you get a miracle ❤️❤️❤️

I lost my dad suddenly when I was 14, then my mum died when I was 16. Right then I had a house, a dog and was still at school getting ready to sit my exams. I pretty much had an adult life at 16! I did have family close by who were always there though. I'm 40 now and have lived longer without them but I do often wonder how my life would have been different if they were alive today.

Sorry I wanted to add that the social services will help with the cost of a lot of these things like photos being printed and albums etc, ask them for help they have lots of services for children to get help with too.

My mum died two weeks before my 14th birthday. I had to live with my dad and step-mum, who had been my mum's best friend, prior to having an affair with my dad which had continued when my mum became terminally ill. It was shit. Dad didn't like us mentioning mum, my step mum clearly preferred her children. I had a bedroom which had stuff in that belonged to one step brother and my step sister. I had to move out of the room when anyone came to stay.

As a result of everything, I became very angry and hostile, which obviously made my relationship with dad even more precarious. I just remember wanting to die and hating my life pretty consistently throughout my teen years.

Mum dying affected my life, how could it not? However, I don't remember her and all my memories have her missing, like someone has cut her out of a photo. For instance, I can remember lying in bed with her watching TV, but where she would be is just a space. Apparently this is caused by trauma/grief cause my brain would have found it hard to deal with so just compartmentalised everything.

I don't know if that makes it easier or not. I don't think I have ever properly grieved, and whilst I have been jealous of friends doing things with their mum or having close relationships, I can't say I miss her cause I don't. I miss the idea of having a mum, I miss the person I've been told she was, but I don't miss her.

Sorry, this isn't much help to you. I would say though that perhaps you haven't found the right therapist to help you, or maybe you haven't stuck it out for long enough. No judgement, dad sent me to a countless stream of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, and therapists when I was younger. I hated them all, and didn't think they helped at all. Looking back, they probably did actually help a bit but I could have persevered and maybe they would have been more help.

Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up for your feelings. That took me a long time to accept. I felt guilty (still do a tiny bit) that I didn't remember mum, but I know now that it's not my fault. If you are on Instagram there's a woman called Dr Nicole Lepera who posts about trauma. A lot of what she says resonates. She's written a book too which was recommended to me by a MH professional. You may find it useful or interesting.

@Mischance

As a mother there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that, if I were to die, the one thing I would want my children to do is to move on. Blow me a kiss and think of me at all these milestones. You say you know you will never be happy, but seriously (and I am not being unkind here - I have recently been bereaved) if you were to die today the one thing - the only thing - you would want is for your children to be happy.

Do it for her.

Embrace the gap in your life - think of her fondly when happy things occur - when the children are splashing in the paddling pool, or getting a prize - make her a part of it all in your heart. This is what she would have wanted without a shadow of a doubt. Do not think how sad it is that she is not there (that is a given); but think how she would have loved it.

Being bereaved leaves a massive gap - it hurts - but we do have to find a way of living round that gap.

You can do it.

This is very wise and sensible advice.

My dad died completely unexpectedly when I was 32 and he was 62. It was such a sucker punch, but gradually I came to the realisation that he'd want me to be happy. I know how much he loved me, and I KNOW it would hurt him to think I was moping the rest of my days because I missed him.
I miss him every day, but I also make a point to try and live a happy life, full of adventures, because I know he'd want that for me.

Sending you love, and peace.

Whenever l meet someone who lost a parent young, l always feel a sort of connection. They know the pain and emptiness the same as you. And the pain of not knowing the parent as a person

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Completely agree with this. There is just something there and it doesn't even need to be said. And a lot of us on this thread seem to have the same issues. I am glad I started the thread and although my heart goes out to everyone who has been through it too, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I can second the Adults Bereaved as Children FB group. I have never told my story on there or reached out to anyone but I am hoping to go to a meet up once covid has calmed down. There has been a lot of good advice on this thread and I feel more determined to try and be happier, through whatever means I can.

I also think that people who haven’t lost a parent early can never understand the pain or lifelong ramifications it causes agree. It's why I wanted to hear from others who had lost their parent around the same age. It just feels like you don't have to go into it all because they know.

@HarrysChild I know our stories aren't the same but yours resonated with me too! That childlike innocence of not fully grasping it and wanting to tell your mum something 'trivial' and not getting to.

After mum died I used to leave letters by her plaque and rose bush where she was cremated. SO silly but I would write 'if you get this letter, flicker the lights at 9pm tonight so I know you are there' I would wait up all night. Of course, the lights never flickered!

@Athenajm80 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds so tough, you didn't have your own proper space or people to talk to about your feelings. No wonder you were so angry.

I don't think I have ever properly grieved, and whilst I have been jealous of friends doing things with their mum or having close relationships, I can't say I miss her cause I don't. I miss the idea of having a mum, I miss the person I've been told she was, but I don't miss her I get what you mean. I wouldn't even know who she is anymore. I only know the version of her that my 14 year old self knew.