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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do parents not pay for weddings these days??

282 replies

justasking111 · 14/01/2022 13:43

I'm thinking we're a bit behind the times in Wales because we still pay as parents for weddings, now it's money dependant, finances allowing as to how much hoopla there is.

I find it sad whenever folks on here talk of saving up for their own wedding

Am I being unreasonable to think it's the final gift to your child??

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 14/01/2022 14:51

I was over 30 when I got married 20 years ago and owned my own house. Both DH to be & I earned far more than my parents ever did. It never occurred to me that they would pay

Maryann1975 · 14/01/2022 14:51

Lots of people don’t want the strings that come with parental money
I agree with this!

It transpired while planning my wedding, that my parents wedding had been planned by my Grandparents. Therefore my mum thought she got to plan my wedding. I think it was a bit of a shock to her that DH and I planned our wedding ourselves and didn’t get a say on colours/flowers/venues/food choices etc.

We were grateful for the financial contribution we were given, but we had saved up enough ourselves to pay for what we wanted -Parents insisted that we had the money, so the excess just went in to savings, we didn’t spend the money just because it was there.

Crunched · 14/01/2022 14:52

My DM (widowed) paid for our food/drink and my IL's gave us a cash sum to spend as we wished, but hinted they thought a home related item would be preferable to paying for the wedding.We paid the rest.
When parents pay I think it is reasonable for them to have a say in the guest list. Since I was married, 30 years ago, it seems the bride and grooms' parents both make a contribution. All the (first marriage)invites to weddings we have received have been from the parents of the b&g and yet that seems unusual on MN. In the majority of cases the couple are already living together.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 14:52

My parents paid for my wedding. I was 23, so didn't really have any savings built up. They also had a lot of control over things, and the guest list was seen as theirs (though being reasonable people of course they asked us which of our own friends we wanted to invite)
They hadn't needed to pay anything towards my university course or accommodation, nor did we need their help towards a deposit. Once the wedding was over we were able to be entirely financially independent of them

My daughter got married at 30, having been living with her partner for some years. I and my late husband had paid a lot towards her university costs. They wanted to fund their own wedding and make their own choices (perfectly reasonably), though I asked if I could pay for her dress, which she was very happy to allow and very much appreciated. I've also helped them with the costs involved with now being house owners.

Times have changed, and our adult kids need help at different stages of their lives.

RebeccaManderley · 14/01/2022 14:53

Years ago people married much younger and usually went from living with their parents to getting married so life was very different. Weddings were much simpler affairs so, if the parents paid, it was comparatively much less than now.

Clevs · 14/01/2022 14:54

My parents paid for mine 8 years ago. We were happy to pay ourselves but they are quite traditional and insisted on paying for it.

SE123 · 14/01/2022 14:54

DPs paid for ours which was around £15,000 ten years ago, I didn't want them to as we are significantly more well off than they are but they really wanted to. I've tried to make it up to them over the years with incredible birthday and christmas presents.

ArbleMarchTFruitbat · 14/01/2022 14:55

I paid for my own wedding. Why should my parents have had to fork out for it? I had a small, affordable register office wedding with 20 guests; found my wedding dress on eBay and made my own cake. You don't have to spend a fortune to have an enjoyable, memorable wedding and in my view no one has the right to expect parental funding for their special day. Nothing wrong, of course, if parents want to do this but I'd never have dreamed of asking mine to.

usernamealreadytaken · 14/01/2022 14:55

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is kind of a bit unfair as so much money is sitting in the older generations, due to large increases in property prices!
So you think parents should sell their house or take a mortgage in order to pay for a wedding for their child?
carbuncleonapigsposterior · 14/01/2022 14:56

Quite honestly why should they! depending on the type of wedding they can cost a hell of a lot, particularly if the couple in question want all the accompanying nonsense what is often expected these days. Personally I'd rather put that money towards something far more tangible, such as bricks and mortar, than one frivolous day.

Brainwave89 · 14/01/2022 14:56

Paid for our own wedding, and never expected parents to. Would give kids some money towards there wedding, but would largely see it as there thing to manage and organise. If I can I will help with a house deposit.

CJsGoldfish · 14/01/2022 14:57

There are far better ways I can think of to help my adult children than to pay for a party. I also don't understand couples who, most often, live together and put out their hands for someone else to pay for, again, a party. 🤷‍♀️

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/01/2022 14:57

I live in Scotland my parents made a generous financial gift towards our wedding 17 years ago. My in-laws also gave a financial gift.

I had no expectation that they would pay for it and was grateful for their gift. We paid the remainder but would have paid it all if no gifts had been received.

Applesonthelawn · 14/01/2022 14:57

I think in days of yore, you didn't live with your partner before marriage so the parents paid for the party and guests all brought something to furnish the new marital home in return. There's no logic to that any more, now people live together or have their own independent home. It's just a party that you throw if you want to. I hate parties so for me it would just have been wasteful and stressful.

Mummywantsaweewee · 14/01/2022 14:58

I think it’s a bit old fashioned and it does stem from paying someone to marry your daughter iirc. Having said that when my kids are older I’d offer to contribute if I could afford to.
More people get married later now (if at all) so have been financially independent for a while, rather than living with mum and dad until marriage; and want more extravagant weddings nowadays (in my opinion). It’s become a lucrative industry when really it’s about two people making a commitment to each other. I do, I do and a meal to celebrate.
Love the bit in the film Man Up where Simon pegg character had an expensive wedding but ended up getting divorced, and lake bells character said her parents did registry office and a drink down the local (and were celebrating a significant anniversary!)

ifonly4 · 14/01/2022 14:58

We got married 25 years ago and neither of us expected my parents to pay for the full cost of our wedding. After we got engaged my Dad's business started to struggle (due to the building trade struggling) and then he was taken seriously ill, so couldn't work anyway. My parents had £800 saved which they wanted me to have a wedding dress out of. They had to well some copper kettles they had as a decoration by the fireplace so my Mum could have a new dress. My DH was one of four and his DF was on a low income - they paid for our cake There just wasn't the money.

We paid for and had the wedding venue and menu we wanted, but cut back on other things - I wasn't that fussed about bridesmaids so we didn't have them. I decided I wanted someone I knew to drive me to wedding venue, which ended up being a lovely thing to do as we had a good catch up on the way. We had to invite limited numbers, but on the day the venue offered everyone who'd come to our wedding (but wasn't eating with us) a free drink - that was lovely as it meant we could spend time with them. We still had a great day.

UpThe · 14/01/2022 14:58

Weddings used to be a church service and some sandwiches at the local pub. They didn’t cost on average 20k.

Alaimo · 14/01/2022 15:00

We got married 5 years ago. DH's parents paid about half the cost of our wedding, my parents paid a quarter, and we paid the remainder. Total cost of the wedding was about £5-6k, so parents' contributions were very very welcome, but we're not talking outrageous sums here.

I also have no idea who paid for the weddings I have been to. Some have been more traditional/big weddings by couples who are on relatively modest incomes, so there I would assume the parents paid/contributed, but otherwise I have no idea. It's not something that usually comes up?

Squirrelblanket · 14/01/2022 15:00

My nephew and partner are Welsh and paying for their own wedding this summer.

What an odd post.

Snowiscold · 14/01/2022 15:00

I’d be disappointed if my DC expected me to pay for their wedding. I would make a contribution - a few hundred perhaps - but not more. It’s not something I would hope they would want to waste money on. I got married just a few years ago and the whole thing cost less than a couple of hundred. That included giving notice, booking the register office, rings, a wedding outfit, etc.

merrymouse · 14/01/2022 15:01

People get married later, have usually been working for years and generally expect a bigger wedding.

There is nothing traditional about the amounts of money that are now spent on weddings.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/01/2022 15:01

@Theeyeballsinthesky

I was over 30 when I got married 20 years ago and owned my own house. Both DH to be & I earned far more than my parents ever did. It never occurred to me that they would pay
Same for us. I am the youngest so my Dad had retired by the time I got married. Let’s get the pensioner to cough up for the working adults.
Isgooglebroken · 14/01/2022 15:02

@CrimbleCrumble1

How does it work if a Welsh person marries someone who isn’t Welsh?
Welsh here, married someone not Welsh. We still paid for our own wedding. 25 years ago!
merrymouse · 14/01/2022 15:02

@UpThe

Weddings used to be a church service and some sandwiches at the local pub. They didn’t cost on average 20k.
Exactly
thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2022 15:04

I would rather put the money towards a deposit for a house than a wedding.

Much better way to protect your child's financial independence. A wedding (as distinct from a marriage) is a huge waste of money.

As someone else pointed out also I think paying for the wedding would probably make the couple feel they were a bit beholden.

I'd happy chip in to make up the cost of a wedding if money was short etc but I don't think its the best way to spend money.

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