DM doesn’t seem interested in new GC

[Bluepolkadots42]

I had my second baby 10 days ago- this is my DM’s 3rd GC. With our first DC (also the first GC) my DM was so hands on- would come over several times a week in evenings to sit with baby so DH and I could get some sleep etc. She was amazing and provided so much support which I was so thankful for and made that clear every time she came over. She also did 2 days a week childcare for DC1 until they got their 30 hours from September and her and my DF have done all drop offs and pick ups since September. Again- we are so lucky and very grateful. We offered petrol money etc which was never taken and also suggested we use breakfast club/after school club instead several says a week which DM said no to as was waste of money. Anyway this is all background to the AIBU.
Since having DC2 DM has been round twice- once the day we left hospital as she and DF picked up DC1 from school for us, and then came round one afternoon when my DSis came to meet new baby and I invited my DF and DM round too for a cuppa.
Aside from this my DM hasn’t messaged or phoned me or made any contact at all with me to ask how I am or how DC2 is doing. She retired last month so has lots of time now. I had a very hard time with my first DC with bfeeding which DM witnessed first hand and saw the impact it had on my MH and she knows DC2 had a terrible tongue tie which we had to pay privately to get sorted ASAP and that this would have impacted on bfeeding. Aibu to feel very hurt and upset at her total lack of interest in me and DC2 and how we are getting on? I do not expect her to be giving any practical help of any kind but I would just have really appreciated a message every few days checking in on how things were going. I don’t know if I’m BU to expect her to do this- but I have friends who are doing it and have also done it for friends after they’ve had babies as I know what an exhausting and emotional time it can be.

YABU- you’re being overly sensitive and it’s fine DM hasn’t initiated any contact to see how you are
YANBU- don’t blame you being upset- it would be nice if DM had made effort to check in with you.

She’s just retired, so is dealing with a massive, not necessarily easy or straightforward transition in her own life, and may have other stuff going on you don’t know about. Your bar for her involvement is extremely high, from your older child. Also, and I get that you’re tired and new babies are hard, but you sound very self-centred I actually getting cross she hasn’t been in touch. In your shoes I’d be wondering whether something was up, not getting angry at her ‘neglect’.

Yanbu but maybe there's something else going on with her? Sounds out of character.

Sounds like she has something else going on. Have you asked her?

YANBU to be upset, butt it may be something else is going on, e.g. she might have an illness she doesn't want to talk to you about because she doesn't want to add to your load. Do you or she have any siblings who can talk to her?

You’re right there could be something else going on for her- although I’m not sure what. She is very family oriented and has been enjoying seeing our wider family over Xmas, spending time with her siblings and seeing friends. She is definitely used to being very busy with work and I know she’s already said she will probably sign up for ad hoc work. So it isn’t like she hasn’t anticipated how she may feel about going from 100 to zero in terms of busyness. And yes you’re right @Roosk the bar was set incredibly high with DC1 and I absolutely recognise that and would not expect the same for DC2. We didn’t expect it for DC1 either tbh- it was just a lovely unexpected thing. She’s nearly 5 years older than she was when DC1 was born and also has another GC to see and spend time with too so I know her energy and time isn’t the same as it was before.

Have you been in touch with her?
Visiting twice in 10 days would not be most people's definition of "not interested".

I agree that something else might be up with her but I also think that the eldest grandchild tends to get a lot more of the excitement of a new baby than subsequent ones

The only contact that’s happened has been when I’ve initiated it eg messaged to say DSis coming over, would they like to come for a cup of tea and cake too.
I’ve sent a few pics of baby on family WhatsApp group - maybe 3 and a brief update from midwife checks re his weight, but haven’t had any response from her to those. Just from DSis. I think my expectations need adjusting- first GC is obviously v exciting but #3 is distinctly less so and elicits less interest. I am obviously super hormonal still and think some of the hurt I’m feeling is also that I feel she hasn’t shown interest in my wellbeing at all. Like I said previously my MH after DC1 wasn’t great so in her shoes I feel like I would be prioritising checking in with my own DD to ensure baby blues wasn’t too overwhelming but again perhaps this is expecting too much and she has her own life to be getting on with.

"Hi mum, I've not heard from you recently, is everything ok your end? X"

I think people massively underestimate what a big deal retirement is. She might well be struggling with her identity. Possibly she'll be feeling that she's 'old' because she's retired and the 'grandma' label will compound that? I know you've just had a baby and you're understandably very filled by that, but I would try and look at this through the lens of her seeming not herself, rather than not being interested in the baby.

@forrestgreen

"Hi mum, I've not heard from you recently, is everything ok your end? X"

Yep.

Honestly just ring and ask her how she is. How are a bunch of strangers meant to know what's going on.

@Sportslady44

Honestly just ring and ask her how she is. How are a bunch of strangers meant to know what's going on.

Well, in fairness, virtually all of a bunch of internet strangers have responded with something that doesn't seem to have occurred to the OP, that her mother may have her own stuff going on, and not told the OP so as not to worry her while heavily pregnant/with a newborn.

You and your mum both sound lovely, but it’s possible she could be wary of being needed as much as she was with DC1.

Is she still doing school pick ups and drop offs?

Perhaps she is a bit worried that you will ask for too much help and commitment now she has retired? I know you said she has been very helpful with your first DC but it could be that she is putting her boundaries up now before you ask. Best to just chat.

@LittleGwyneth thank you that is a helpful perspective.
I am definitely not being as emotionally intelligent as I feel I usually would due to sleep deprivation and hormones etc. Hence why posting on here- needed a reality check/other perspectives as was struggling to provide them for myself.
I will message as you’ve suggested @forrestgreen.
@phishy I think there could deffo be an element of this. It was discussed a few months back that once DH pat leave ended she and DF would continue to do morning drop off for us until baby in bit more of routine- atm I’m on about 4h sleep a night and tbh don’t think I’m fit to drive when so tired. Then in December she made a comment about not doing schools runs anymore as was last day of term. This threw me into quite a panicked state and I didn’t address it appropriately. I just responded could she let me know if she would be able to do any as we would need to book breakfast club spaces so my Dh could drop Dd on way to work which would be requiring a lot more notice than 2 weeks over xmas hols. She never replied and I didn’t chase because I guess I was burying my head a bit- heavily pregnant, really anxious about covid stuff, anxious about how my eldest was going to adjust etc. So perhaps she no longer wants to do any drop offs and feels awkward to just say point blank no. DH goes back to work end of next week so I will need to speak to her and DF about it by start of next week and the lack of contact from her so far has me on edge about approaching it. Which is silly as worst she can say is sorry no and at least then we would know where we stand and could make other arrangements.

Retirement is a big deal, particularly for someone used to being busy. Your mum is human too. She may need you to check in on her rather than her always checking in on you?

As a very involved grandmother I would suspect that something else is going on in her life.

Please ask her to come over and ask her if she is ok?

It means so much to me when my adult children recognise that I may have difficult things to cope with. They are wonderful.

Twice in 10 days is surely fine with a 3rd GC, and if she's just retired she's probably settling into that. There is a sort of grief at change of status that she could be going through. Or maybe shes self isolating or no longer has the energy to be as involved as she was with previous GC. Or something else in her life that she doesnt want to burden you with when you've just given birth. Call her and invite her round?

Your mum does/did do a lot for you in terms of childcare/school drops offs etc. I know you say she's suggested booking DC into clubs instead, but I wonder if she feels obliged to help with all the childcare (or doesn't want you to send your child to clubs) and is finding it too much.

Your latest update is interesting - I would have assumed that a parent who was on maternity leave would be doing their own school pickups, and it's odd that your default seems to be that you wouldn't. Perhaps she was hoping this would be a natural "pause" to her having to do them.

Sorry "YOU'VE" suggested ...

Try thinking of her.

She's older, she's retired, there's Covid to consider - are there any family differences of opinion re the vaccinations?

Is she ok?

Perhaps she is sick of being a childminder, running child to clubs etc etc? Perhaps she thinks that you will be wanting even more help now than you did before?
Maybe she wants her own life back?
I would make plans to care for your own children without taking it for granted that your mother is an essential part of it, and she gets to enjoy just spending time with her grandchildren. She has done her job!

@RedskyThisNight I will be doing all pick ups as soon as DH is back at work but was hoping to have some help for another few weeks (until end of month) with drop offs because right now I don’t see how I will be able to single handedly get us all out the house on time. Baby is usually feeding at 7 when it’s DC1 wake up time. Breastfeeding sleepy newborn is taking around 40 mins and renders me incapacitated - no hands to sort DC1 breakfast or uniform etc. DC1 is 3 so unable to sort self- also is finding adjustment to new baby hard so we are having many tantrums in morning and refusal to do basics so usual routine taking much longer. I may manage to get baby fed, DC1 fed and dressed and hair done etc for 8.30 but I would still be in pjs, most likely desperate for a wee, in need of a sani pad change, nipple pads hanging out etc. If DM had just said no in first place and not said she would be able to help when it came up a few months back we could have booked Dc1 for breakfast club. As things stand right now it’s too short notice to get her into breakfast club for this half term.

@SocialConnection no differences over covid. All on same page- if anything I am/was more cautious than her due to the pregnancy.

@Kelly7889 I’ve never taken her help for granted. I’ve never expected it- it’s all been offers coming from her which we have gratefully accepted and double checked she’s happy to do eg we said in summer we could book breakfast/after school club for September as it felt a lot for DM and DF to do all drop offs and pick ups which is what they had offered for autumn term as I increased my work hours to full time.

She’s been round twice in 10days?
Very gently, yes YABU.