DM doesn’t seem interested in new GC

[Bluepolkadots42]

I had my second baby 10 days ago- this is my DM’s 3rd GC. With our first DC (also the first GC) my DM was so hands on- would come over several times a week in evenings to sit with baby so DH and I could get some sleep etc. She was amazing and provided so much support which I was so thankful for and made that clear every time she came over. She also did 2 days a week childcare for DC1 until they got their 30 hours from September and her and my DF have done all drop offs and pick ups since September. Again- we are so lucky and very grateful. We offered petrol money etc which was never taken and also suggested we use breakfast club/after school club instead several says a week which DM said no to as was waste of money. Anyway this is all background to the AIBU.
Since having DC2 DM has been round twice- once the day we left hospital as she and DF picked up DC1 from school for us, and then came round one afternoon when my DSis came to meet new baby and I invited my DF and DM round too for a cuppa.
Aside from this my DM hasn’t messaged or phoned me or made any contact at all with me to ask how I am or how DC2 is doing. She retired last month so has lots of time now. I had a very hard time with my first DC with bfeeding which DM witnessed first hand and saw the impact it had on my MH and she knows DC2 had a terrible tongue tie which we had to pay privately to get sorted ASAP and that this would have impacted on bfeeding. Aibu to feel very hurt and upset at her total lack of interest in me and DC2 and how we are getting on? I do not expect her to be giving any practical help of any kind but I would just have really appreciated a message every few days checking in on how things were going. I don’t know if I’m BU to expect her to do this- but I have friends who are doing it and have also done it for friends after they’ve had babies as I know what an exhausting and emotional time it can be.

YABU- you’re being overly sensitive and it’s fine DM hasn’t initiated any contact to see how you are
YANBU- don’t blame you being upset- it would be nice if DM had made effort to check in with you.

Make sure you're messaging your mum to see how she is etc. It's difficult to see parents getting older when you see them so much but there may be something else going on or your mother may just need time for heraelf and her own friends.

You will manage with the baby doing the school runs etc. Sometimes the baby will cry and that's OK. The baby will fit into your routine if you have to do school runs etc. It is very tiring and difficult when you're in the thick of it so I understand how you're feeling.

Sounds like you have a lovely family. Message mum and check everything is OK, you can clarify childcare etc so you are all clear on what will happen.

@marpelier yes you have that all right. The pre school is part of a state primary school though so the children have to be dropped to school between 8.45-9am.
It isn’t as flexible in that sense as a private nursery/pre school. We could remove DC1 from pre school for a period of time however I didn’t feel that was very fair for them as they are very sociable and love having time playing with children their own age. Also new baby is quite a disruption for any child- and so again we want to keep their routine as much as possible to help them adjust to new baby.
The plan had been that my DM had offered to continue the morning drop off for a few weeks after DH returned to work. This is what she offered- however seems to have since changed her mind 3 weeks or so ago and this has put me in a bit of a tail spin. This is also really a very separate issue to me perceiving she is less interested in DC2 as hasn’t initiated any contact since their birth to ask how they are or how I am recovering. You know- like a checking in message now and again the sort you would send to friends/siblings when they’ve just had a baby.

Very gently because I know ho hard having a breastfeeding newborn is and juggling school runs myself but you just get on with it, we manage because we have to... it sounds like your mum does a hell of a lot to be honest. Although it does sound appreciated and you have offered to lighten the load but I think she probably expected you to be doing the school runs. Obvs I can't speak for her maybe she's going through some personal issues herself but...
Check in on her, don't expect everyone to cater to you just because you've had a baby she might be going through something too.
There's a big difference between having a first child and then another maybe she feels you don't need the same level of support?
It sounds like you have it very easy at the moment in terms of childcare and dc1 I think it might be time to take some parenting responsibilities back now your on mat leave and your husband of course it shouldn't all be on you.
Maybe she's a bit daunted by the fact she's newly retired and so much of her time is dedicated to your dc and she's doesn't want to add any more jobs so is staying clear.
2 visits in 10 days is quite normal and you say your husband is still home. Why isn't he doing school runs???

@chocolatecheesecake thank you for sharing- it’s helpful to hear how other bfeeding mums managed feeds with#2 when getting #1
Ready. I think I’m fixating a lot on the feeding because they aren’t gaining weight and so now feel very pressured to get them to pile weight on. but If we focus on feeding lots when DC1 at school then short morning feed hopefully won’t negatively impact weight gain. Ultimately I could give formula bottle in morning whilst DC1 had breakfast if it came to it. So that’s another option.

Thanks for your empathy @Tillyvonpantsalo 😊

@sunsshineshowerss DH is doing all school runs whilst on pat leave. When he returns to work I will do all the pick ups and for the first few weeks of him being back DM had offered to do morning drop off, then I would take those over too. However it seems she has changed her mind about being able to offer that- which is her prerogative but has got me in a bit of a flap as it’s a last min change in the plan.

You have been very fortunate with all the help she has given you. Maybe she is wanting some “me” time now. She has retired, is older now and has less energy and wants to take a step back

Seems like she might have exhausted herself with carrying the load of being practical help and MH support for you the first time. She’s sending you a clear message that she can’t be doing the same again and is putting her needs first now.

[quote Bluepolkadots42]@chocolatecheesecake thank you for sharing- it’s helpful to hear how other bfeeding mums managed feeds with#2 when getting #1
Ready. I think I’m fixating a lot on the feeding because they aren’t gaining weight and so now feel very pressured to get them to pile weight on. but If we focus on feeding lots when DC1 at school then short morning feed hopefully won’t negatively impact weight gain. Ultimately I could give formula bottle in morning whilst DC1 had breakfast if it came to it. So that’s another option.

Thanks for your empathy @Tillyvonpantsalo 😊[/quote]
Why would giving a formula bottle while DC1 has breakfast be any easier than breastfeeding while DC1 has breakfast? Genuine question.
You could also try a soft stretchy sling- if you get the right position then DC2 can breastfeed in the sling leaving your hands free.
PS I have a 7yo and a breastfeeding now 10mo who was on the school run morning and afternoon at 4 days old. It is hard but doable.
Good luck.

I sympathise with the early days of a second baby, breastfeeding and trying to sort child number one - it’s a shock to the system and everything feels more than twice as hard. But you’ll manage. Suggest shower and get dressed while DP home before work? Second baby has to be more flexible and you can’t give them your 100 best all the time like you could with the first... that sucks but it’s how you keep the whole family afloat, moving, out the door etc.

On a practical level, drop offs and pick ups are fine with a newborn. You just need to get into a routine, which is what we used our paternity leave for.

Unfortunately we found that lazy mornings were only possible with dc1 and that the best thing to do was get up early and shower before dh left for work. Feeding had to be timed around the other jobs that needed doing, eg while dc1 was eating breakfast or practicing reading.

Dh used to get dc1 dressed before he went, or sometimes do breakfast.

And yes, I agree with pp, just carry on breastfeeding while child is eating, etc. Put baby in a wrap and just carry on feeding while moving about. You can do it!

@FlexibleWorkingDenied

My youngest would drink a bottle in 5 min but would happily BF for 45 min

@FlexibleWorkingDenied thank you. Formula bottle would be easier than bfeeding for us because of latch issues which means constant relatching in the feed, switch feeding many times in the feed and the whole rigmarole taking 40 mins sometimes an hour before baby seems satisfied. A bottle of
Formula could be given in 10 mins. Then I could put baby in sling or down and have hands free

@RowanAlong yes that is deffo bfeeding goals for us. Sadly nowhere near there yet though due to poor latch that needs constantly correcting. If I let baby freely go for
It my nipples would be shredded in seconds as they were after the first feed post birth. Hoping we will get there eventually though 🤞🏻

Good luck with it all. I think it will all be fine, and you will look back on this post and wonder what you were worried about. You seem smart and sorted and obvs have a supportive dh and parents . All will be well.

You will get there eventually. You'll find a way that works for you and its not for that long. Baby will need to feed from you less and less, eldest will become more independent. Dh can get eldest ready before he leaves, shower after the school run. You'll be on the waiting list for breakfast club. Can dh change his hours slightly till things settle down ? I loved bf, couldn't do it the second time and bottles stressed me out till I discovered pre made formula. One step at a time.

Out of curiosity, do you have any relationship with your mum that doesn't involve her doing all this childcare?

Because your posts all seem to be about how you'll struggle to cope to do everything without her help, but there's nothing about how your mum might be feeling during such a huge change in her life.

In the nicest way - you're a grown adult mum or two children, you can't rely on your mum to do everything for you. Millions of parents all over the world manage breakfast and the school run with multiple
children - you just need to get on with it. The more you put it off by getting your mum to help, the more scary it will be.

Yes, it will be stressful at first and you might be late a few times but it won't get better unless you practise and get a routine in place.

I would deal with all the school runs alone and try and have a relationship with your mum that doesn't involve childcare - it sounds like she's maybe struggling and a bit resentful that all she's useful for is helping with the DC?

What about your dad?

Do you have siblings that you could talk to about dm ? Just to ask if they think there's a change in dm as she doesn't seem herself or even ask df. I got it in both ears from my parents and my dbs used to just get fed up, tell them they were being ridiculous and walk away (clearly more up front than me). Turned out my mum was very depressed for a number of reasons including spending more than 2 weeks at a time in my dad's company. He used to work away a lot and suddenly there all the time.

It’s hard when you have a baby and an older one but you’ll cope. There will be stressful mornings and there will be times when you wished you’d stayed in bed, but there will also be plenty of fine days. You just need to get on with it really and find your routine for the morning.

Also please send your DM a breezy message asking how she is, don’t even mention your baby or other DC or you, make the message all about her. She’s also had a huge life change and her feelings matter too.

Just read your updates OP. Hope you’re doing ok.
Just something to consider, could you move your eldest to a private nursery? You’ll still receive the 3yr free hours, but they are much more flexible in terms of drop offs etc and much more aligned to the working day. DH could do drop off and pick up en route to work. I can see the appeal of a school nursery for convenience if you have an older child at the school, but I wouldn’t want to tie myself to school hours/relying on breakfast clubs with a 3 year old and a newborn.
Also I have older parents and I’ve noticed a change in my mum’s physical abilities in the 3 years between my eldest and the twins being born. They’re fine with my eldest who’s 4 and obviously mobile but my mum couldn’t look after one of my babies alone as she can’t get on the floor to play/charge nappies etc.

Ok so think practically.have you ever done the morning school run? Or any shcool run? It sounds like its become a Big Scary Thing

Have you walked the route before? Qalk it with your partner and practice putting baby in their buggy. Time it and allow some extra.

Work out time you will need to leave. I found baby 2 ended up sleeping on the qay back from school run as got used to the rhythm of the day. It will be great for you to have twice a day you get out even if you flop exhausted in between! Honestly.

I expect you'll find people interested in the baby too.

So how far away is school? How long is the walk?

Breakfast club just so you dont have to take child 1 to school is honestly overkil.

Is child 1 in mornings? All day? Set days? At 3 mine did 3 days but I know other places did mornings etc.

Feed the baby in a sling, get breakfast for dd one handed, put baby down for 2 seconds to get her breakfast, that's how the rest of us manage it that don't have the luxury of a volunteer to do all drop offs.

You shouldn't be relying on your mum. The fact you said you're now in a flap because of last minute plans. The drop offs and pick ups are down to you and your husband.

You always have a back up. I feel quite sorry for your mum. Maybe she's exhausted and can't deal with the high expectations.

Do check in on her and see if she's okay. She's newly retired and it's not an easy process. Maybe she's overwhelmed and rightly so wants a quiet couple of weeks. Also she's seen you twice in 10 days. That's normal surely??? Surely you don't want anymore than that when you're in the newborn bubble. Plus you have DH off with you?

I think you've been incredibly lucky so far but this all seems a bit of a panic to get your son / daughter to school when it shouldn't be. People manage. Your mums done a little for you. You're very lucky but YABU to be upset with her. Or to say she's got you in a flap and panicking. Or its her 'prerogative'

She's retired. Let her have some time and check in on her.