DM doesn’t seem interested in new GC

[Bluepolkadots42]

I had my second baby 10 days ago- this is my DM’s 3rd GC. With our first DC (also the first GC) my DM was so hands on- would come over several times a week in evenings to sit with baby so DH and I could get some sleep etc. She was amazing and provided so much support which I was so thankful for and made that clear every time she came over. She also did 2 days a week childcare for DC1 until they got their 30 hours from September and her and my DF have done all drop offs and pick ups since September. Again- we are so lucky and very grateful. We offered petrol money etc which was never taken and also suggested we use breakfast club/after school club instead several says a week which DM said no to as was waste of money. Anyway this is all background to the AIBU.
Since having DC2 DM has been round twice- once the day we left hospital as she and DF picked up DC1 from school for us, and then came round one afternoon when my DSis came to meet new baby and I invited my DF and DM round too for a cuppa.
Aside from this my DM hasn’t messaged or phoned me or made any contact at all with me to ask how I am or how DC2 is doing. She retired last month so has lots of time now. I had a very hard time with my first DC with bfeeding which DM witnessed first hand and saw the impact it had on my MH and she knows DC2 had a terrible tongue tie which we had to pay privately to get sorted ASAP and that this would have impacted on bfeeding. Aibu to feel very hurt and upset at her total lack of interest in me and DC2 and how we are getting on? I do not expect her to be giving any practical help of any kind but I would just have really appreciated a message every few days checking in on how things were going. I don’t know if I’m BU to expect her to do this- but I have friends who are doing it and have also done it for friends after they’ve had babies as I know what an exhausting and emotional time it can be.

YABU- you’re being overly sensitive and it’s fine DM hasn’t initiated any contact to see how you are
YANBU- don’t blame you being upset- it would be nice if DM had made effort to check in with you.

@Flickflak if you have any tips I would be grateful- already pack her bag night before, lay out fresh uniform ready etc.

@Zombiemum1946 I definitely think there is tension between them atm. DF has been retired for like 10 years and think they’re getting under each other’s feet already.

@glittereyelash I’m so sorry about your mum

Thank you @Reallycantbesarsed - I was definitely expecting more what
You’ve described you would be doing- rightly or wrongly. Just a check in message every few days, seeing how midwife checks had gone etc.

@WoodenReindeer before retirement she was working part time (not to undermine the amount of work/effort she put in to do the school runs- but just to explain a bit) and on days she worked by DF would do them. dH would drop DD to them on his way to work and she would have breakfast and get dressed at theirs then get taken to school. We have been incredibly fortunate to have that arrangement I know.

Thank you for reading my posts fully @Sceptre86 and seeing that we have been and are extremely grateful for all the extensive support she has given and that we haven’t ever asked for any of it- it has all always been offered to us.

@seekinglondonlife thank you for sharing, that is v interesting. I am going to make more of a conscious effort to regularly check in with her between seeing her in person.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick yes for
Me you hit nail on head. She may have worried about expectations of her support- I wouldn’t have expected any more help on this front if she hadn’t said months back she and DF would help for a bit until we found our feet as family of 4,
Of course she is entitled to change her mind. But to me that is separate thing to wanting to know how a newborn GC/ post-natal DD is doing.

I wonder if what they did for your DD ended up feeling like a big overcommitment for them and was too much, but they didn’t know how to say it to you without it seeming like they didn’t care about you or want to support you. Now that DGC3 has come along, perhaps they’re struggling to say any of this and have decided instead to distance themselves. Also, when you’re tied to routine for work, that’s one thing, but now they have freedom to do more, perhaps they don’t want to be tied to giving regular support. A retirement without any flexibility sounds pretty dire to me

Mumsnet loves to cast aspersions on anyone who dares think their parents might help out. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want that their help. It would be lovely to have parents whose lives centre around their kids/grandkids because they want nothing more then to help, but that really isn’t the case most of the time and it is unreasonable to expect that as standard.

It sounds like you’re really dependent on your mum - stating she should have called you and checked if your mental health was good, you will really struggle getting your child to nursery because you have a baby, your hormones etc etc.

I wonder if you call and enquire after her mental health/how she’s getting on/if she needs any help? Sometimes when someone has given you a huge amount of help (which your mum really has) they can feel taken advantage of/like it’s all a one way street where she’s expected to prop you up and facilitate you without getting much support in return. Maybe she was trying to distance herself a bit so you’re not depending on her to do everything and she can adjust to retirement. Maybe she’s having personal struggles, who knows?

With regards to taking the child to nursery, the only way that will get easier is by doing it. I know you’ve just had a baby and there’s an adjustment period but life goes on! When you’ve got the child to nursery a few times you’ll get into the swing of doing it.

I get you wanting to have this time just you and the baby but most people who aren’t first time mums just don’t have that. I wish I’d had someone doing all the school runs for me when I had my youngest but unfortunately it just wasn’t to be! So dd went in the sling while we ferried her brothers and sister to nursery, school, clubs etc. We did and do have some help from mil which I’m forever grateful for but I wouldn’t expect her to be available to help as she has her own life too. And I ring her for a chat and to ask about about her as often as she rings me!

Although when I say we get lots of help from mil certainly not on the level you do! I can see why she’d be worried if when you had only one child she was doing lots of pickups and doing morning routine breakfast/dressing /school runs.

With mil she does take dd to ballet because it’s a shared interest they both have and had the kids sleepover sometimes but I wouldn’t expect her to be doing lots of school runs etc.

@phishy

You and your mum both sound lovely, but it’s possible she could be wary of being needed as much as she was with DC1.

Is she still doing school pick ups and drop offs?

This was my first thought.

If she's just retired it sounds like she could be burnt out from 2 days a week child care, your DF (presumably still together) doing all drop offs and pick ups. Plus retirement isn't easy and maybe, and fair enough if so, doesn't want to do all the things she did with your DC1.

Also she may think 'you've done this before so you know what to expect, I don't want to overstep the mark and be a nuisance.' Of course she never would but seriously she may just think as this has been done before that you'll just message her if you need her.

A myriad of things. But you're tired and hormonal, she's probably tired and adjusting to hew new life too if being retired and enjoying some well deserved time off.

@BaggaTDoubleTroubleDoubleG yes I wonder if you’re right re: the overcommitment thing. We did check multiple times they were happy to do all pick up and drop offs as initially offered and suggested we use the school breakfast/after school facility a few times a week too so it wasn’t so onerous and we were told no, not to do that it was a waste of money etc. But obviously they insisted on it prior to actually doing it so hadn’t experienced yet the reality of the commitment.

@Kanaloa I don’t expect any practical help and never have done. I’ve always been glad and grateful to accept what has been offered to us. My upset about lack of interest isn’t connected to practical help that has or hasn’t been offered- I just included how much help has been given with DC1 to help provide context. I think you’re right that perhaps DM is concerned we will now expect same level of help with DC2 and I think I need to reassure her we have no such expectations.

Also. Does your DC1s school REALLY need that long to organise breakfast clubs? All the schools (primary) that I've had work in my my DM has, are all as hoc or you book on the Friday for the next week.

I think your mum looking back is burnt out and I read your update about the school runs. As PP said I think it's odd that between you and your DH you will struggle to get DC1 to school. You have breakfast club as an option and surely they know it's been Christmas break (feels ages ago now anyway) and you've just had a baby. Ring them and explain and get him into breakfast club.
Yes you have a newborn and and it's hard to stick to schedules and plans but I mean this in the nicest way, you and your DH are solely responsible for your child's school runs and whatever else they need. If your mum didn't reply (she probably feels like she can't) it's still down to you and DH to sort out.

I mean this kindly but I think your mums probably feeling under pressure.

Sorry I presumed you did expect practical help from the whole thing about how you can’t get your eldest to nursery because your baby is feeding/you can’t manage getting the child dressed and to nursery. I thought you meant that you thought your mum should offer to do that.

As I said, if you can try out a sling. Utter lifesavers when you have more than one. I was just sorry I couldn’t carry two kids at once so I could have hands free for the older two while carrying the babies! Also perhaps a bouncy chair. My youngest spent many a morning chilling in bouncer while I rocked it with my foot and did hair/uniforms/called ‘put your shoes on’ up the stairs five thousand times.

But listed a longest of practical things she did with the first and co.plained she isn't doing it with the 2nd.

The school run with a new baby isn't easy. But of course you have time to throw on a jumper and a pair of trousers and have a wee.

If your dh can't have more time off, I suggest you start doing it together now. So it's not a huge new task when he isn't there.

@AlDanvers whereabouts did I complain the same wasn’t being done with DC2? Very certain I haven’t written anything of the sort...
I certainly take your point about practising the getting ready part of the morning whilst DH is still on pat leave- we had discussed last night and decided we would do this from Monday to see how it will all work.

I had 3 under 3
Then a gap then number 4
So 3 children to get up and ready to go to primary school for 8.30 ,and a baby to also be ready .
Yes it was difficult,
Number 4 was on the school run at 4 days old
You do what you have to do
We had no help ,so you dig deep and crack on ,knowing it will pass ,this stage is temporary
I’m sorry ,I don’t want to say anything to upset you
But ,I do think you should try to cope without your mum fetching and carrying for you .
It’s really not fair on her, let her be a normal grandma who just visits ,don’t put pressure on her for more.

@Kanaloa sorry I’ve probably muddied the waters here. DM had said a few months back they would continue with school drop off (morning only) for a few weeks after DH goes back to work to support until baby and i have found our feet with new routine etc. However, a comment was then made just before Xmas hols by DM which suggested she wasn’t going to be doing this- but it wasn’t 100% clear and I didn’t address it head on like I should have. So the uncertainty over whether that offer stands/stood has added an extra layer to the situation. Also the offer being made meant that we didn’t pre book DC1 into breakfast club for this term which would have been a solution and what we would have done had no offer of help been made. it’s highly oversubscribed and you need to book half term in advance to secure a place.

Hope you get sorted with your mum OP. I'm sure once yous can sit and have a chat it'll all be sorted in no time and nothing to worry about!

@Summersnake blimey you sound a bit like a superhero managing to juggle 4! Baby and I have already been on the school run in afternoons but the mornings I am finding daunting. What did you do if baby needed feeding when you also needed to be giving older DC breakfast? I’m breastfeeding and the feeds are taking around 40 mins atm for a number of reasons. In an experiment to see if I can shift baby’s night feeds a bit so the morning feed doesn’t fall smack bang in DC1 get up and breakfast time I’ve woken the baby to feed in early hours of morning- they weren’t ready to feed and basically just sat with boob in mouth, eyes closed doing nothing and essentially continued to sleep, then woke around the usual 2.5hour mark from the last feed to have a proper meal. So trying to shift their feeds around to fit DC1 isn’t looking like an option for the time being. I am really trying to find solutions rather than focus on problems.

Thanks @SallyGoLucky 😊

In regards to breakfast you put a bowl of weetabix in front of the older child then sit at the table with them feeding the smaller child. Then put the smaller child in bouncer/pram etc while helping the older one dress.

That’s the reality of being a mum of two differently aged children - you need to multitask.

Could you not pay for a childminder just to literally do the drop offs and pick ups???

Presumably you have to pay for breakfast club anyway. My DDs childminder offers this. She picks up children and takes them to school. Literally just does the school run for a couple of mums. Or is there a mini bus service with the school? Or school bus could that be an option? (Bit public transport but an actual school bus)

You sound lovely but also very helpless, needy and very dependent on your mum.
You are a mum now to two children, and need to put your big girl pants on and not catastrophise simple tasks like doing the school drop-off. If anything, your mum’s help has made you too dependent as you don’t seem capable of coming up with basic solutions to run your family. You just can’t lounge around with a second or third baby. Do online research or chat to friends who have more than one child and get them to tell you their tips, rather than haranguing your poor mum.

Perhaps she presumed that you don’t need as much help as you are on maternity leave so not working, so will be free to do the pick ups and drop offs yourself.

I don't really know the UK school system terms, but a 3yo is pre-school isn't it? Just try your best to get them there whatever time you can. I am a bit confused. So you were working and your DH was working and you were dropping your child to your parents to feed and dress and take to pre-school and collect from pre-school? And your mum doesn't want to do that anymore. Do I have that right? What plan did you have for when the baby arrived? Can't you just cancel pre-school for the length of time you are on mat leave? This will give you heaps of time to sign up for breakfast club - which I assume is an early start programme.
Just call your mum - you must be close if she has given you all that help and ask her if she is Ok. Tell her you don't expect her to do anymore "school" runs.

@Pancakeorcrepe I definitely have a tendency to catastrophise- part of an anxiety disorder I have. I’m glad you used that term because it’s helped me recognise that’s what I’m doing. With the amount of CBT I’ve had over the years I should have recognised that myself! I’ll blame sleep deprivation

With me dc2 just didn't get to have a long leisurely feed when it was time to get dc1 out the house. Dc2 got fed in bursts whenever I could around getting dc1 ready. Dc2 out of the door in pjs having had enough milk to get through school run then once home and it was just the two of us could have longer feeds as needed.

What I did do was set my alarm so that I was dressed before both kids were awake. Made things so much easier. Once you're home you can just feed and nap all day until you collect dc1 so catch up on rest then.