DM doesn’t seem interested in new GC

[Bluepolkadots42]

I had my second baby 10 days ago- this is my DM’s 3rd GC. With our first DC (also the first GC) my DM was so hands on- would come over several times a week in evenings to sit with baby so DH and I could get some sleep etc. She was amazing and provided so much support which I was so thankful for and made that clear every time she came over. She also did 2 days a week childcare for DC1 until they got their 30 hours from September and her and my DF have done all drop offs and pick ups since September. Again- we are so lucky and very grateful. We offered petrol money etc which was never taken and also suggested we use breakfast club/after school club instead several says a week which DM said no to as was waste of money. Anyway this is all background to the AIBU.
Since having DC2 DM has been round twice- once the day we left hospital as she and DF picked up DC1 from school for us, and then came round one afternoon when my DSis came to meet new baby and I invited my DF and DM round too for a cuppa.
Aside from this my DM hasn’t messaged or phoned me or made any contact at all with me to ask how I am or how DC2 is doing. She retired last month so has lots of time now. I had a very hard time with my first DC with bfeeding which DM witnessed first hand and saw the impact it had on my MH and she knows DC2 had a terrible tongue tie which we had to pay privately to get sorted ASAP and that this would have impacted on bfeeding. Aibu to feel very hurt and upset at her total lack of interest in me and DC2 and how we are getting on? I do not expect her to be giving any practical help of any kind but I would just have really appreciated a message every few days checking in on how things were going. I don’t know if I’m BU to expect her to do this- but I have friends who are doing it and have also done it for friends after they’ve had babies as I know what an exhausting and emotional time it can be.

YABU- you’re being overly sensitive and it’s fine DM hasn’t initiated any contact to see how you are
YANBU- don’t blame you being upset- it would be nice if DM had made effort to check in with you.

How often do you phone your DM?

@Bluepolkadots42, well I think the drop offs thing is probably an important context as something unresolved. However what struck me was, whether in the circumstances you describe, it wouldn't be easier not to send your three year old to nursery for a bit until the baby is in more of a routine and you're less exhausted? It just sounds like unnecessary early morning stress at the stage you're at, and presumably the early starts were arranged to work around two working parents, not your maternity leave?

Or switch your three year old to a later start at nursery?

It’s always nice to have support in the early weeks, but the fact is that most parents on maternity or paternity leave will learn quickly how to get everyone up and ready to leave the house to do the school run. It will help your mental and physical health also, getting up and out for some fresh air, seeing other parents at the school gates. Baby will learn to fit into your routine as she’ll have no choice! Up and feed the baby while DC1 gets dressed and breakfast. Bundle into warm coat in the pushchair for the walk to school, baby hopefully sleeps and you can chat to DC1 on the way.

What did she say about school breaking up? Sounds like she might have made a comment about slower morning as school hols and you may have been a bit defensive?

I should imagine they've booked some cruising holidays or similar and not sure how to break it to you yet.

In terms of getting the DC into school - you will manage. Just need to get up earlier, which is horrible when you're sleep deprived, and schedule rigorously. When DC1 is at school you nap when baby naps, you don't do housework etc.

Maybe she's trying to make it clear from the off that you shouldn't expect the same level of help second time round.

You don’t actually sound in the least bit concerned about your mum and how she is feeling, your only concern seems to be why isn’t she doing as much childcare as she normally does? Presumably like most parents you thought about how your family life would have to change with a new addition to the family, surely you see that it’s not your mum’s job to just take on more and more responsibility? I’m a very involved Grandma but if I felt my freely given help was being taken for granted I would totally be taking a step back. Be careful that you don’t lose your mums support totally.

Bluepolkadots In the nicest possible way, you are not the only parent who needs to juggle a baby and getting an older child to school/nursery in the morning. Yes, it probably seems a bit overwhelming at the moment, but you will soon get yourself into a routine. Most people don't have extended family to help out or the option of breakfast clubs. Actually I'm slightly puzzled as to how breakfast club will help you. I'm assuming DH will take her, but that will still mean that DC1 has to be ready to leave (earlier than otherwise) and DC2 will have to be fed, changed etc (because babies are not very good at waiting). I suspect you might be slightly panicking with being overwhelmed with new baby/tiredness etc. It will work out!

Parents arent just there to help us as adults. They are people with their own feelings and needs.
Retirement is a big deal. I know people who have loved it from day one, and people who have been depressed and really struggled for the first year.
It is also pretty normal if depressed not to want to burden a new mother with your own feelings of depression.
I don't know what is going on obviously, but how she is behaving is exactly what I would do if depressed.
Adult relationships need to be a two-way thing.
In terms of practical help over the last 10 days, hasn't your DP been around to do that?

Yabu, just because she done a lot with your first doesn’t mean she will do it with all the grandkids, she does have her own life too.

Rather than being concerned you seem to be dishelved that she isn’t helping you out! Your the one who had the baby and not her, she doesn’t need to help you out, your an adult! Yes babies are hard work, that’s the status quo though I’m afraid and lots of people don’t even have grandparents for any support or childcare what so ever.

Maybe you should think a little bit about her and afford her the same support she has given you.

It does seem a bit weird, but actually it sounds like it's not a new thing. While it's different from how she was when you had DC1, it's not different to how she has been more recently - ignoring messages, blanking requests etc.

Personally, I wouldn't ask her to do the drop offs for the next couple of weeks as she obviously doesn't want to - you know that without asking and that's why you feel on edge about it. I think you need to either make it work between yourself and DH, ask someone else or make an emergency breakfast club appeal to nursery.

It's a shame but I think she's made herself pretty clear, even if she hasn't wanted to say it. Hopefully if she feels less obligated she will be more like her old self and visit more etc.

Presuming that your DH is on paternity leave, maybe she wants to take advantage of him doing pick ups, drop offs and enjoy the break? Also – again, this is just a presumption – maybe she's suddenly hit retirement and is realising she doesn't want to commit to regular childcare week in, week out but doesn't know how to broach it?

Hi OP, something similar-ish happened with DC2 for us as well. My DPs were very involved in the early life of DD1, supported me a lot in the early days - like you I needed it with difficulty bf, and baby with colic and other issues. They then did one day a week childcare when I went back to work. Then when DD1 was 2.5 lockdown happened. I was pregnant during 2020 ana had DD2 in the autumn. They've seen much less of her, and do one day a fortnight childcare but for fewer hours of the day as DH's job has changed so we need less cover. And they're definitely just less involved. I feel like they don't know her as well.
It is a bit sad, and I was surprised, but also I've noted the following:

• they are much more tired than they were first time, even though it's less than 5 years ago. They couldn't manage one day a week now
• during covid they got very used to their own independence (despite not being able to travel) because they didn't have any obligations to work or family, and I think they preferred it that way
• they find dealing with 2 children together really difficult, even though they have only looked after them both alone maybe twice. Even when we are there, the noise and madness of a toddler and a reception age school child is just too much for them and they find it frustrating/irritating

I've had to accept that they simply aren't able to offer the support they could before, and it's really nothing to do with not being interested. They actually don't have the energy or capacity.

I'm sure it's the same with your mum, albeit adding in the personal transition of retirement.

The first few weeks after birth are awful for hormones/feelings. Give it a few months to settle before you draw any big conclusions.

And congratulations on your lovely baby xxx

TBH She has been an absolute star up to now! Most peoples parents would be unable to do the level of care she has been providing so far. She is 5 years older now ,and may feel she needs to offer up help again .and is unable to . A lot of people still expect their parents to be avaliable and involved with DGC unless they are ill .But many parents will be tired and unable to step up like before .What about your Sis ,does she do the same amount there? Maybe DF wants some spare time together just him and Mum ? I know you say you dont expect the same level of care as before .but she may well feel obliged to ,and doesnt know what to say .Maybe just call /text her "Is everything OK with you ?" 10 days is not long anyway ,She may just be giving you some time to settle in with Babe!

Tiredness maybe, I don't help out as much anymore with grandkids I am 60 and it can be exhusting looking after young children.

It’s unlikely she has suddenly had a personality transplant and gone off you and your DC given what you’ve said.

So, either you or DH have unintentionally caused offence or she’s got something fairly major going on.

Seriously, call her. Or your Dad. It doesn’t sound whingey that she’s not helping you it sounds concerned that she’s not responding to messages or coming over for a cuddle.

And yes, don’t fret about the mornings, you’ll soon find a routine.

Everyone expects constant check ins now with mobiles. Constant constant constant. You’re mum sounds like she’s loves you and does a lot. Live your own life you’re a mum of two now. Just grow up a bit.

Maybe she’s deliberately not being as hands on this time as isn’t up to possibly looking after 2 little ones.
Does she see her other DGC much?
She could be a bit down, send a friendly text and ask if she’s ok.
It could be because it’s not her first DGC.

It sounds like the school run was a joint effort by your mum and dad, so if you are going to address it, don't just single your mum out. It's very common to complain about how little grandmothers do (not the case here obviously), but never have any expectations of the grandfathers. Actually, it might be worth talking to just your dad, he might be able to shed some light on it without feeling attacked.

With the comment she made just before Christmas, I would say she is tired of doing all the drop offs and pick ups and it's not fun anymore. If she does want to continue, maybe just do one pick up a week or something.

Two points really. One - is her age. Presumably she's now mid 60's? We do slow down a lot as we get to this age. I know from my own situation.
Two - we grandparents bond closely with dgc1. It's a new situation; we know it's all very new for our own DC as a new parent; we have more time to spend with just one baby. By the time dgc2 comes along, all this has changed and we can't commit the same amount of time and hard work.

Well I think it's not unusual, once someone has mastered the troubles thrown up by the firstbaby, that it's assumed they'll manage ok with the next. You seem to have quite a big gap.
And DM has just retired - she's probably running round the living room shouting it's MEEEEE time! Planning exotic hols, arranging meet ups with friends.
How much does she help with the middle child. If she has been busy with DGCs for the last 5 years it's no wonder she is less interested. But I suggest just asking her to come and help one morning/ evening whatever - I'm sure she'd love to.

It reads like there's been some poor communication and mismatched expectations.

It seems your mum was not expecting to be doing the pick-ups and drop offs after Christmas and when you asked to let know if she could do any she didn't respond. But you didn't book before and after clubs and its now too late.

I'm not really clear if DC1 is in school or nursery? If nursery/preschool couldn't you just send DC1 afternoon only for a few weeks?

It's not your parents' responsibility to fix your logistics, I do understand, I've had 4 DC and some school runs were just hellish! But if DH can't change his hours temporarily to help and DC1 has to attend om time and full days, you just have to muddle through it.

You mentioned your eldest is 3. But also mentioned the school run. I’m a bit lost- if eldest is 3 can’t they go to a private nursery who open early so DH can drop off on the way to work? Or otherwise just take eldest into nursery a bit later- 9am/10am whenever you’re all up and ready. It’s not like school where they have to be there for a particular time. I think it’s expecting a lot for DM to keep doing the nursery run whilst you’re on mat leave. Unless I’ve misunderstood and your eldest is in school.
DH works from home so he does our eldest’s nursery drop off at 7.30 then back home ready to start work at 8am. When our twins arrived and he was on pat leave he would take eldest into nursery leaving me with the babies- usually a bit later if we’d all had a rough night. But it didn’t matter as he wasn’t working during that time.
I think it is a bit different for mother’s support from first to subsequent children. I had lots more people checking in on me first time around than second.
I agree with other posters- why not ask your mum if she’s ok?

shes just retired. its a big deal, even if shes just worked part time or full time ! cut her some slack there.

I would message and ask if everything is okay though and how is SHE.