DM doesn’t seem interested in new GC

[Bluepolkadots42]

I had my second baby 10 days ago- this is my DM’s 3rd GC. With our first DC (also the first GC) my DM was so hands on- would come over several times a week in evenings to sit with baby so DH and I could get some sleep etc. She was amazing and provided so much support which I was so thankful for and made that clear every time she came over. She also did 2 days a week childcare for DC1 until they got their 30 hours from September and her and my DF have done all drop offs and pick ups since September. Again- we are so lucky and very grateful. We offered petrol money etc which was never taken and also suggested we use breakfast club/after school club instead several says a week which DM said no to as was waste of money. Anyway this is all background to the AIBU.
Since having DC2 DM has been round twice- once the day we left hospital as she and DF picked up DC1 from school for us, and then came round one afternoon when my DSis came to meet new baby and I invited my DF and DM round too for a cuppa.
Aside from this my DM hasn’t messaged or phoned me or made any contact at all with me to ask how I am or how DC2 is doing. She retired last month so has lots of time now. I had a very hard time with my first DC with bfeeding which DM witnessed first hand and saw the impact it had on my MH and she knows DC2 had a terrible tongue tie which we had to pay privately to get sorted ASAP and that this would have impacted on bfeeding. Aibu to feel very hurt and upset at her total lack of interest in me and DC2 and how we are getting on? I do not expect her to be giving any practical help of any kind but I would just have really appreciated a message every few days checking in on how things were going. I don’t know if I’m BU to expect her to do this- but I have friends who are doing it and have also done it for friends after they’ve had babies as I know what an exhausting and emotional time it can be.

YABU- you’re being overly sensitive and it’s fine DM hasn’t initiated any contact to see how you are
YANBU- don’t blame you being upset- it would be nice if DM had made effort to check in with you.

That was meant to be your mums done a lot for you*

I couldn't have my mum do my kids school drop offs and pick ups, especially at retirement age.

Could you pay for a childminder? Or bus / private transport? How old is your son / daughter. Could they get the school bus or a drop off / pick up childminder?

@TheMagicDeckchair we actually move DC1 from a private nursery to this pre school in September ‘21 as it’s attached to the primary school we hope they will go to this September and there is a lot of free flow play between the pre school room and the reception year group rooms. Right now though I am wishing we still had them at the private nursery that was on DH’s way to work as they would be dropped off at 7.45 and collected when DH finished.
I agree with what lots of others are saying- need to practise the routine, will be doing that from Monday.

I have now messaged my mum- just a message about her and how she has found first week or so of retirement - didn’t mention me or baby. She’s replied and said she’s enjoying not going into work and has been seeing some friends for coffee etc so that all sounds fine which I’m pleased about. I will arrange to meet up with her next week- invite her round for coffee or perhaps suggest we meet in a cafe for coffee somewhere, whatever she prefers.

@WoodenReindeer DC1 goes 9-3 5 days a week. We live semi- rurally and the pre school would be about a 75 min walk, 50% of journey down narrow country lanes with no pavement so sadly walking not an option. It’s about 15 mins drive and is on the route for both DH and I going to work and also is attached to primary school we hope my DC will attend from September which is why we chose it.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts yes we do have a relationship outside of childcare.
Children and covid have obviously impacted what we do together- pre kids we went to cinema and
Theatre together as we both like that sort of thing but DH and DF not fussed. Since DC1 we see each other most weekends- either we stop by to them for a cuppa, or we meet them in a playground and get coffee in cafe, go to national trust places for a look round and a walk etc. We have been on family holidays together and have another one booked over Easter. Sometimes DM will do Sunday lunch, I have also hosted some family lunches although not as many as she has. Our house is much smaller than hers and we don’t have a table that seats everyone comfortably so we tend to do More informal buffet style stuff. So short answer- yes I believe we do have a relationship outside of childcare.

@cptartapp he has done a lot of school runs since September when my DM was working. Prior to that he wasn’t involved in any childcare only my DM.

Thank you @marpelier I am sure you are right and in 6 weeks from now I will wonder what all the fuss was about!

OP, what seems like a mammoth task now, will seem so much easier in a few weeks.

I’ve four and I think the jump from 1 to 2 was much bigger than the jump from 2 to 3 or 3 to 4. And probably more so when you’ve had help. I’m not knocking you for that - parents and in laws all offered to have our kids/do pick ups etc and like you, I was, and still am very grateful. I think there can be stigma on here around those who do have help and it can be a race to the bottom from those who don’t. Which I never understand as everyone’s circumstances are different.

Anyway, to help you with practical advice:

Do practise this week. I see your parents often got DC1 ready even prior to DC2. Therefore work out what works well for you. For us, it’s the, getting dressed upstairs before breakfast, breakfast, hair and teeth downstairs. No tv at all in the mornings as that becomes a flash point.

If it takes you ten mins to get to the school, plan on giving yourself 20 mins. It’s not really a trick of the mind, but it really does help. You don’t get so sweaty trying to get out of the house with all the random things that kids throw at you as you are trying to get out of the door; toilet run, socks hurting, lunch box isn’t the right colour etc etc.

As DH will be out at work, if you can, in a few weeks, try and get yourself up just 15 mins early. Have a shower and a drink and that wee. You will feel so much better for that time to yourself and with no one in the house later on except you and DC2 you can nap in the morning in the morning once the school run is done.

My kids were all breastfed. First two exclusively. Then DC3 came along and like you the morning feed was taking an age. For my MH, for the sake of the oldest (making sure they weren’t late into school as that made them anxious, not that the school ever said anything), for the baby so they didn't pick up on my tension, we swapped that morning feed to formula and bit later on to expressed. DH was sometimes able to give that feed. And if not, it was quicker anyway.

Get a star chart or something for DC1 so they cooperate a little easier.. Let the school know too that there have been a few teething issues. They can and will have gentle chats.

This is only temporary. You will be fine soon. It will come naturally. At post partum plus 10 you are still leaking every where and a hormonal mess! At least I always was.

In the meantime, phone your mum and ask her round for a coffee. No agenda, just because. And I’d suggest you take it on yourself just to arrange the wrap around and tell her when it is done. DC1 already enjoys herself with her friends so chances are she will like it. And it saves your mum stressing about it.

xxx

I’ve four and I think the jump from 1 to 2 was much bigger than the jump from 2 to 3 or 3 to 4.

Actually agree with this thinking about it. When you have two you have to learn to multitask. The third and fourth basically just stretch you a tiny bit further.

I used to spend a shocking amount of time worrying about DS weight specifically, still have flashbacks to pouring over the stupid red book and wondering if I should start solids but it was a bit earlier than recommended and should I be doing BLW because the HV gave me a leaflet about it and blah blah.

I don’t even remember what dd (the fourth) first food was. Probably a bit of food out the dog bowl or an old greggs donut she found in the park or something.

Basically when you’re out of the hard bit you look at your big sturdy 11 year old asking for extra chips and think ‘did I really used to worry about trying to make you gain an extra 2lb?’

Thank you @Whothe for that advice and your kind words. I am definitely a leaking hormonal mess still- as much as I would love not to be!

@Kanaloa your musings on what DC4’s first food was has made me chuckle 😄

[quote Bluepolkadots42]@Summersnake blimey you sound a bit like a superhero managing to juggle 4! Baby and I have already been on the school run in afternoons but the mornings I am finding daunting. What did you do if baby needed feeding when you also needed to be giving older DC breakfast? I’m breastfeeding and the feeds are taking around 40 mins atm for a number of reasons. In an experiment to see if I can shift baby’s night feeds a bit so the morning feed doesn’t fall smack bang in DC1 get up and breakfast time I’ve woken the baby to feed in early hours of morning- they weren’t ready to feed and basically just sat with boob in mouth, eyes closed doing nothing and essentially continued to sleep, then woke around the usual 2.5hour mark from the last feed to have a proper meal. So trying to shift their feeds around to fit DC1 isn’t looking like an option for the time being. I am really trying to find solutions rather than focus on problems.[/quote]
Many people ( myself included) have got more than 2 children ready for school in a morning.....I had a preschooler, a year 1 child and a newborn.... just need to get up a bit earlier and be organised night before....you will soon get into a routine