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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BIL is killing me!

149 replies

UpInTheClouds15 · 13/01/2022 16:33

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/01/2022 10:34

Both men have rings run round you and a complete idiot made out of you.

Neither of them have an ounce of care.

Now you are suggesting you spend your money on paying for a flat?

Unbelievable.

You probably will go guarantor on his flat, to up the stupidity of the situation.

🙄

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/01/2022 10:37

@greenbean99

DO NOT sign to be guarantors and warn your partner of the same
I know two people who did just that. Both had to pay out as they person they went guarantor for defaulted within two months.

One did it to get a colleague out of a dv situation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/01/2022 13:13

Both men have rings run round you and a complete idiot made out of you

I'm afraid so, though in fairness OP does seem to be inviting some of it

As for the deposit for the flat, I'm surprised it hasn't occurred that he could take the money, spend it on something else and then claim a tenancy "fell through" ... and still the "D"P would probably support him, only he and OP would be even more thousands down by then

GrannytoaUnicorn · 15/01/2022 14:34

@MrMrsJones

He leaves or you do
Blackmail. Nice Hmm
GrannytoaUnicorn · 15/01/2022 14:37

@UpInTheClouds15 Giving him a deadline in writing is not worth the paper it's written on unless it's notarised by a Solicitor! 😂

Why in God's name and all that's holy are you giving him an entire MONTH?!?!

mbosnz · 15/01/2022 15:09

I'd say an ultimatum, rather than blackmail.

I don't think it's very 'nice', how much her partner's brother has imposed on their hospitality, trampling over all the agreed boundaries, and both her partner and his brother taking her agreement in this for granted. In fact, when she dared to demur, her partner's brother laughed in her face.

I most definitely wouldn't be being very 'nice' to either of them at this point. It's past the time where being 'nice' is at all reasonable.

Kennykenkencat · 15/01/2022 16:05

@UpInTheClouds15

Thank you all for your responses, just to clarify, my BiL is 19, will be turning 20 this year. My partner and I are both 22, our house is on a mortgage in both of our names. I sat down with my fiance and told him that I was fed up of the way things are. I said that since my name is also on the mortgage, I get a say, especially because we worked so bloody hard to get the house and now someone is making everything more hard work. We are giving him 1 month to get up and go. I made a point of saying "If he won't spend time looking for elsewhere, I sure as hell will." And gave him an ultimatum of me and his child or his brother and he picked us. We had a long discussion and have said if needed we will pay the deposit and/or first month's rent, and give him a deadline in writing for paying it back.. whatever it takes to get him out. Thank all again for advice and making me feel like I'm not going crazy!😊
So he isn’t going anywhere and they have got you to shut up about BIL moving out for a month.

Personally I would go and live with friends, relatives or rent an Airbnb for yourself and either by a certain date BIL has left and you can move back in or the house goes up for sale and you start divorce proceedings.

I think staying and waiting it out means you are just going to be a month further a long and neither your bil or Dh are seeing any consequences to their inaction.

Remember any one can tell you anything. They can tell you that they will do something, they will move heaven and earth for you but it is just talk. Unless you see positive action then words mean nothing.

ChonkyDonkey · 15/01/2022 17:23

Get him to look for a flat share. A lot of these are available quickly and often, bills are included. Spareroom.co.uk

MyOtherProfile · 15/01/2022 17:25

Have you told him? I really hope you haven't said you will pay for everything for him. You just need to tell him he has to be out by XXX date and then if needs be change the locks.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 17:28

We had a long discussion and have said if needed we will pay the deposit and/or first month's rent, and give him a deadline in writing for paying it back.. whatever it takes to get him out.

Don't expect that money back. He laughed in your face the last time you asked him to honour an agreement.

allsgood · 19/01/2022 08:20

You’ve shown a lot more restraint than I would have done. Pack his stuff up leave it on the doorstep and change the locks. If your OH tried to ‘reason’ with you tell him he can move out too!

MumInBrussels · 05/02/2022 07:03

Has he found somewhere else to live yet, @UpInTheClouds15? I hope so - this all must be incredibly stressful for you!

ColleysMill · 05/02/2022 07:22

Yes I've just read the thread and was wondering that.

Although I would have taken a different approach and not have said I was moving out but sent the dh packing with his brother 😅

londonrach · 05/02/2022 07:23

Op...has your bil left yet

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2022 07:56

Is your BIL not working or anything? Why’s he staying with you and his DB rather than his parent’s?

DomPom47 · 05/02/2022 07:57

Sadly your husband is enabling g his brother. His brother is comfortable where he is and no way will he leave out of his own accord until your husband says something.

Flickflak · 05/02/2022 08:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Bogeyes · 05/02/2022 08:38

I have witnessed this twice. When people get their feet under the table they are reluctant to move out. Especially if it's cheap or free lodgings. My friend let a nephew live with him for free so that he could save up and get his own place. The nephew went on expensive holidays and treated himself to expensive toys and expensive whiskies. He never saved a penny. He was onto a good thing. I also put a good friend up for the same reason. After 6 months he found somewhere to live but had to ask me for the deposit despite living with me for free all this time.
He is taking the piss big time...get rid. don't make his problems your problems!

Titterofwit · 05/02/2022 08:58

In my work I meet a lot of this type of young man. If at all possible he will cling on to your cosy set up for as long as he can. And still will not go willingly even with bribes. Because in his mind you / his brother owe him. You and your nice house and jobs and growing family. It s not fair.
You have to be tough with him. You really do or he will blight your lives. He may leave if you pay a deposit and first months rent. But he won't have any food. or electric. Or hair stuff. So you will have to provide it because you have taken charge of his life for him.
Give him maximum 2 weeks notice. I would say less than a week really because he needs the impetus and he won't do anything for 13 days of his 2weeks notice anyway.
He will have to ask around to see what accommodation there is locally for young single men. Supported accommodation does exist in most towns he has to apply himself.
Do not offer any support. Really. He will take it and still not leave. He has to do this himself.

Dasher789 · 05/02/2022 09:06

What??? So not pay his mortgage and rent. He has been living with you, if he chooses to waste all his money its his choice. Keep your money for your baby

WildfirePonie · 05/02/2022 09:43

One month later... is BIL still there?

Ukelelele · 12/11/2022 21:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

2bazookas · 12/11/2022 22:04

While he's out, lock the doors, then bag up his stuff, put it out, and send him a text to say " Your stuff is out of here, and so are you".

ghostyslovesheets · 12/11/2022 22:05

TWATTY BUMPING TROLL

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