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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BIL is killing me!

149 replies

UpInTheClouds15 · 13/01/2022 16:33

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Chasingtime · 13/01/2022 17:10

He is taking the piss out of you OP. A grown adult being so disrespectful to some one that opened their home to him.

PearlD · 13/01/2022 17:13

he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!?

Tell your husband, tonight, that he needs to get him out, and he needs to be gone by xx date. If he won't do it then you'll do the dirty work and while you're at it, he can go as well. Pack their bags, stick them on the front and change the locks. What a pair of absolute piss takers, the BIL sounds back but the DH isn't far behind him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/01/2022 17:14

You will learn the hard way to not to nice because cf take the piss.

Essentially you have a dh problem though. His family aren’t your problem.

eyeslikebutterflies · 13/01/2022 17:15

My BIL moved in with us for a 'few weeks' and 6 months later, when I was then pregnant, we gave him 2 weeks to leave. He wouldn't have gone without a deadline, and tbh in some ways I think he really wanted us to give it to him - he, too, started to take the p**s, not clean, act like a teenager when asked to ... after months of 'looking' and not finding a place, he was miraculously able to find somewhere - once the 2 week deadline was in place.

You can be kind but firm. "We have a baby on the way and we need our house back - we'd like you to move into your new place in a fortnight, and will of course help you move. But we need our house back now to prepare for the baby." And just repeat. Don't waver, keep to the deadline, he needs a firm boundary (and so do you!)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/01/2022 17:16

Have you posted about this before OP? It sounds very familiar, but the PP also had a DH who backed his scumbag brother all the way

Obviously the only solution is to tell him to go, and if he refuses to put his stuff outside and change the locks, but you'll need DH onside for this which brings me back to my first sentence

SockFluffInTheBath · 13/01/2022 17:16

Does he have parents or friends he could go to if you just booted him out? I think tough love is the way to go, or he’s got no need to change.

StellaDarkley · 13/01/2022 17:16

Wow.

Your first mistake was allowing him to move in with you He is a grown man in a Western nation where benefits are handed out - he has no need to ponce off anyone. Disgusting parasite.

To rectify this mistake. tell your husband that his brother needs to leave NOW, or they both leave.
The weakness of your husband would make me fall out of love: Weak men serve absolutely no purpose in life.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 13/01/2022 17:17

YANBU but I agree, you have a DH problem. He clearly cares more about his brother than his partner and child.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 13/01/2022 17:18

Next time he goes out lock the door and drop his stuff out the window in bin bags?

Electriq · 13/01/2022 17:18

He's laughing at you because he knows his brother won't kick him out.

You need to speak to your DH and then sit him down.

PoshPyjamas · 13/01/2022 17:19

Do you have anywhere you could go with the baby until your DH evicts his brother?

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 13/01/2022 17:19

Give him a notice the day he need to move out.

ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 17:19

he laughs at me and walks away

"Oy, BiL - did you just decide it's ok to laugh at me about how disrespectful I am finding your behaviour? Do you not realise this is my house? As you will recall, we agreed that you would move out when I became pregnant. It's time for you to grow up - I'm giving you a fortnight's notice."

YANBU - unless you put up with this any longer.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 13/01/2022 17:20

Give him a deadline to be out of there by the end of this month.

skyeisthelimit · 13/01/2022 17:20

I agree with PP, it's time that your DH gets a grip and puts his wife and DC first. I am sure he doesn't want to see his DB out on the street but he is not your responsibility.

He knew that the room would be needed when you had 2nd DC. You now need to get that room ready so it's time for him to go.

If he is in debt and making no attempts to find anywhere and still getting deeper into debt, he has no intention to leave or to help himself in any way.

People in debt are never helped by others bailing them out, I have seen it time and again, they are helped and they just get into more debt. They have to want to change. They have to grow up and realise what is important and what their priorities should be.

Get DH to give him an ultimatum and if DH won't then you have a different problem on your hands.

SarahBop · 13/01/2022 17:21

Make it very clear, in writing too....This is your heads up that you will need to find somewhere else to reside with immediate effect; Your final night in our home will be [1 weeks time] or something like that??

TrashyPanda · 13/01/2022 17:22

Tell him he is leaving on Monday.

No debate , no discussion - he’s going

Obsidiansphere · 13/01/2022 17:22

Yanbu, kick him out!

LethargicActress · 13/01/2022 17:24

Your partner will just have to feel bad then. Kick him the fuck out! Today is a good day, tell him he has to find some other mug over the weekend.

wizzywig · 13/01/2022 17:25

Have the baby and put the newborn in his room along with the nappies

AnotherMansCause · 13/01/2022 17:26

@PoshPyjamas

Do you have anywhere you could go with the baby until your DH evicts his brother?
That's a really good idea. I would do this if you have family or a good friend that can put you up for a little while. Force your DH to make a choice - his brother or his wife & kids. If he doesn't choose you then obviously that tells you a lot, & you'll need a solicitor.
ChiefStockingStuffer · 13/01/2022 17:26

Tell your husband to escort his brother to the door with his things. Immediately. Or he can go with him.

WonderfulYou · 13/01/2022 17:27

YANBU but this doesn’t have to be a big blow up. Just get DH to explain that you’re pregnant so now has 6 months to find somewhere else to live as you don’t have enough room for him anymore.

CanofCant · 13/01/2022 17:28

It sounds like the only person that you can rely on to fix this is you. Give him his notice (I wouldn't give him 30 days, he'll just come up with excuse after excuse. Tell him he has until Monday to sod off) then change the locks and leave his crap outside if he overstays. God speed.

WhatToDo1988 · 13/01/2022 17:29

I would tell DH it's either you or his brother. Pack your bags and leave him with the child and his brother and come back when his brother is gone.

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