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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BIL is killing me!

149 replies

UpInTheClouds15 · 13/01/2022 16:33

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Grandville · 14/01/2022 13:57

He'd be out by the end of the week if it was me. How DARE he?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/01/2022 14:13

So OP's not come back ... ?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 14:15

The manner in which people will allow themselves to be treated will never cease to astound me.

Stop being so wet, for goodness sake. Assert your boundaries, give him a deadline to get out and stick to it. If he breaks house rules prior to said deadline, kick him out.

Bananalanacake · 14/01/2022 14:19

How far along are you in pregnancy, when he's next in the living room pretend to go into labour very loudly, that should scare him off.

UpInTheClouds15 · 14/01/2022 14:58

@Bananalanacake

How far along are you in pregnancy, when he's next in the living room pretend to go into labour very loudly, that should scare him off.
Too early for labour 😂
OP posts:
UpInTheClouds15 · 14/01/2022 14:59

@Ddot

How old is your bil
He is 19, will be turning 20 this year.
OP posts:
UpInTheClouds15 · 14/01/2022 15:01

@ThinkWittyThoughts

I'd be looking at flats for me & my kids.

Your partner needs some cold truths about what this is doing to your feelings for him nevermjnd your feelings about his brother!!

Kick that freeloader out

Thank you for this, I sat down and spoke to my fiance about how it's making me feel and we talked through it. We are now making a conscious effort to find elsewhere so that we don't just throw him out but I've told him I can't handle it much longer.
OP posts:
UpInTheClouds15 · 14/01/2022 15:08

Thank you all for your responses, just to clarify, my BiL is 19, will be turning 20 this year. My partner and I are both 22, our house is on a mortgage in both of our names. I sat down with my fiance and told him that I was fed up of the way things are. I said that since my name is also on the mortgage, I get a say, especially because we worked so bloody hard to get the house and now someone is making everything more hard work. We are giving him 1 month to get up and go. I made a point of saying "If he won't spend time looking for elsewhere, I sure as hell will." And gave him an ultimatum of me and his child or his brother and he picked us. We had a long discussion and have said if needed we will pay the deposit and/or first month's rent, and give him a deadline in writing for paying it back.. whatever it takes to get him out. Thank all again for advice and making me feel like I'm not going crazy!😊

OP posts:
UpInTheClouds15 · 14/01/2022 15:10

@Puzzledandpissedoff

So OP's not come back ... ?
Working full time, sorry, just popping in whenever I get a chance 😅
OP posts:
334bu · 14/01/2022 15:48

Flowers Well done and good luck.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 14/01/2022 16:45

So, you’re:

  • Doing his flat hunting for him.
  • Paying his deposit.
  • Paying his first month’s rent.

And this is you standing up for yourself?

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 16:50

Give him a date to leave by and tell your DP if he isn’t gone by that date, you’re leaving.

Amazed you have put up with this for so long! Hide your products and expensive alcohol too.

Lavender24 · 14/01/2022 16:54

For the love of God do NOT pay his deposit. I honestly don't mean to be nasty but you're letting him make a total mug out of you. If I was you I'd tell him he needs to be out by the weekend and I'd not be giving him another penny. I'm in my 30s now and I let people walk all over me for most of my 20s and I sorely regret it.

IncompleteSenten · 14/01/2022 17:14

He won't pay you back.

But I suppose you could consider it a price worth paying to get your home back without booting his freeloading arse out on the street like he deserves

NettleTea · 14/01/2022 17:30

Is he not working? If so how are you going to find him a place? Most estate agents now are specifying required salaries for flats and good luck finding someone who is going to accept UC and waiting for housing to be sorted out, even if you do have the money. You may find he is needing you to be a guarantor for his rental, which potentially could backfire if he as useless as you say, and spends all his UC on expensive hair products.
How did he come to be not living at home?

GreetingsAndSalutations · 14/01/2022 17:35

I’d give him 24 hours to find some other poor fucker to leech off and then if he didn’t leave I would, taking my babies with me. I wouldn’t be returning until the brother had completely vacated the house and he wouldn’t be welcome back over the threshold again even for a visit- he’s a thief after all as well as a lazy cunt.

Ddot · 14/01/2022 18:14

I do hope it all works out well for you. You have gone above and beyond for him, so dont feel bad. Find somewhere, help him out financially and move the little bugger along. He will never grow up whilst your acting like parent's

whynotwhatknot · 14/01/2022 19:43

Whatever you do dont be a guarantor for him youre doing enough

pinkyredrose · 14/01/2022 23:19

You're going to pay him to leave? Well it's a start.

greenbean99 · 14/01/2022 23:34

DO NOT sign to be guarantors and warn your partner of the same

Scrabblecrabapple · 15/01/2022 00:02

he laughs at me and walks away.

In your own home. I would have packed his stuff there and then and threw it out the window. Fucking prick.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 00:25

I don't see a problem with paying his deposit and 1st month as long as you won't 'go without' to do it. Decisions made because of 'family' are not always 'rigidly right' but more what works for everyone concerned.

That being said, do you really think he's going to pay you back or even have the means to do so? Even a written agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on unless you're willing to pay what it costs to take it to court and then to enforce it. Is that something you would do? It could end up costing you more than the 'loan' itself. Something to think about.

Perhaps you feel that it's important that he agree to pay it back, even if you pretty much know he won't and if you have no intention of enforcing it. You may want to consider whether or not it's better to just 'write it off' and consider it a lesson well learnt, that the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

PrincessNutella · 15/01/2022 00:51

No boundaries have been set, as all boundaries have been broken.

Kelly7889 · 15/01/2022 01:39

I warn you now Do NOT let your DP or yourself be guarantors for your teenage moocher BIL for a tenancy agreement - just DON'T -you'll be in a whole lot of financial mess down the line. Please don't be guilted into it if he asks, or your DP asks you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/01/2022 09:29

Basically then your fiance has said "Yes dear" and set up a lot of caveats to be met before his brother has to move out!

You'll be living with the pair of them forever. You are now working for both of them. Working for, paying for, skivvying for both of them. Why would they change that? Your fiance knows you won't go anywhere, you have a mortgage and a child on the way. His brother knows he's safe, cos his brother won't chuck him out.

You are all so very young to be in this pickle. Something has to give, and I suspect it will be your relationship!

I hope you can work your way through this 💐

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