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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BIL is killing me!

149 replies

UpInTheClouds15 · 13/01/2022 16:33

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 13/01/2022 18:12

@WonderfulYou

Apart from the fact that OP shouldn't have to endure another 6 months of piss-taking in her own home, how do you think this suggestion would pan out?

It needs to be realistic.

It’s almost impossible to find a rental place that’s available now.

Landlords don’t want properties being empty so when they know it’s going to become empty they advertise it in advance.
So even if he found somewhere today it could be a couple of months before he’s allowed to move in.

Giving a decent deadline means he can find somewhere suitable so they don’t feel guilty or end up having him back.

There are Airbnb’s, hotels, b&bs or sofa surfing until he can get himself sorted.

Maybe next time he won’t be so sniffy when someone shows him a possible place to live

mbosnz · 13/01/2022 18:14

You have exceeded the support you very kindly offered him.

He has abused your hospitality.

Under the initial terms of your agreement (which he has repeatedly broken the terms of), your family is expanding, and he needs to sling his hook.

Your partner needs to abjectly apologise to having required you to endure his spoilt brat of a brother so long, and help him find a bridge to live under, if he can't find anything else.

Sod your partner feeling bad for telling him to leave - man the fuck up. He'd be amazed just how bad I could make him feel for not telling him to leave, I'm really quite imaginative in that respect. Ditto with his brother, there's all sorts of ways to make someone think the grass would be greener somewhere else.

Chely · 13/01/2022 18:21

Boot him out the door ASAP and change the locks

NumberTheory · 13/01/2022 18:29

@WonderfulYou

Apart from the fact that OP shouldn't have to endure another 6 months of piss-taking in her own home, how do you think this suggestion would pan out?

It needs to be realistic.

It’s almost impossible to find a rental place that’s available now.

Landlords don’t want properties being empty so when they know it’s going to become empty they advertise it in advance.
So even if he found somewhere today it could be a couple of months before he’s allowed to move in.

Giving a decent deadline means he can find somewhere suitable so they don’t feel guilty or end up having him back.

They've already given him time though. He was supposed to be looking when he moved in. Instead he's got himself further into debt. Giving him 6 months is just putting off the inevitable. It isn't going to increase the likelihood he'll get up off his arse and find somewhere.
mbosnz · 13/01/2022 18:36

My neighbour had her bil move in for a couple of weeks. Three years later, we had a lovely little chat, when he and his brother had been more than usually irritating. Two weeks later, Mannie the moocher was gone, she went home and completely lost the plot at the pair of them. It shouldn't have come to that. It's not on how partners and their siblings trespass on their partner's good nature, and wish to please, and not rock the boat.

Ddot · 13/01/2022 18:45

How old is your bil

User1isnotavailable · 13/01/2022 19:14

He is lazy and your partner is a waste of space that should stand up and sort the situation.

IncompleteSenten · 13/01/2022 19:21

This won't change unless you force it because it sounds like your husband would happily have his brother taking the piss forever.

You need to give your deadline to your husband.

He's out by X date or I will be.

And mean it. Start looking at flats. View them. Do things that make it very very clear to your husband that you are not fucking about.

Jewel52 · 13/01/2022 19:26

Wouldn’t tolerate this from one of my kids never mind my BIL! Even if your DH is the kindest guy on the planet he has the perfect excuse with a newborn on the horizon. Take any emotion out of this, explain calmly that his room is being redocorated on a set date and his stuff must be removed by then otherwise you’ll do it for him. Start painting coloured squares around him so he knows you mean business🤞. Then come hell or high water, follow through and get him out. Good luck 😉

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2022 19:29

Don't give him a deadline, he won't stick to it. Put all his stuff out tmw and change the locks. Im serious.

Eddielzzard · 13/01/2022 19:29

This sounds absolutely awful. I agree with giving your DH and BIL to both get out. They're both taking the piss. It shouldn't have to fall to you to get tough, your DH should be sorting his brother out. They have both taken advantage of your good nature.

TheFairPrincess · 13/01/2022 19:32

As long as he has no legal tenancies anywhere else if he is living with you, you can still write a letter to him/the council and this will have him seen as homeless by the council and no fault too. Especially if you provide the reasons e.g. you having another baby on the way.

What they will do in regards to a homeless single childless man is something I'm not sure of, but at the very least he will definitely be entitled to housing benefit for a room in a shared house if his income is low (sounds like it is).

For me, the fact that he laughs and walks away when you bring any of this up would dissolve any remaining sympathy for me. I would also expect my husband to put me and our children first in this situation.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 13/01/2022 19:36

Apologies if it's not the case, but have you posted about this before? Seems very familiar of a second child on the way with a useless BiL in the house. Just to be clear though it's both yours and your DP's place?

Youngstreet · 13/01/2022 19:41

Pack his bag, put it by the door and tell him to leave.
If he doesn't ring the police.

Bananalanacake · 13/01/2022 19:44

Does he work, does he pay towards the bills? I'm guessing no if he's in debt, therefore he has no right to stay. I like what a PP said about locking him out and threatening to call the police if he tried to break in.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 13/01/2022 19:48

If your Husband won’t do anything about his freeloading brother then make it as unpleasant as you possibly can, bag his stuff up and dump it outside, be vocal and loud expressing your feelings and anger while he’s in the house and refuse to do anything for either of them, don’t do any shopping and only wash your own clothes, remove all your personal belongings, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and anything else that belongs to you, honestly if I was in your place he’d be glad to move out because I’d be a fucking nightmare and if your husband won’t man up tell him to fuck off with his skanky scruffy lazy bastard brother.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 13/01/2022 19:55

I'd be looking at flats for me & my kids.

Your partner needs some cold truths about what this is doing to your feelings for him nevermjnd your feelings about his brother!!

Kick that freeloader out

DroopyClematis · 13/01/2022 20:17

Just tell your husband " he moves or I do."

I know it sounds easy enough to say but this situation cannot go on.
Your husband is enabling him. So , if your husband won't enable him to move out , then your husband can enable you , your child and your unborn child to move out..

This situation is untenable.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2022 21:57

You refer to 'DP' (generally unmarried partners) and BiL (generally brother of one's husband). Are you married to DP or not? If not, whose name is on the tenancy/deeds?

If you aren't married, the house isn't in your name/joint names) and your DP isn't backing you up then I think you're SoL.

Just what IS this DP's position in all this?

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 22:57

This is why you never have family or friends move in with you 'temporarily'. It never, NEVER works out that way. Been there and done that twice. They take the piss, and never leave.

You need to tell your partner in no uncertain terms that his brother is a cheeker chancer who is taking the piss and that either he goes, or I and your children go. You HAVE to give an ultimatum and say I want him gone within one week (don't say two, he will stretch it out). Your partner will either 'feel bad' about losing his brother, or 'feel bad' about losing you and his child and unborn child.

It's his choice which is worse for him.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2022 23:03

Give him solid deadline. If he doesnt go. Pack his bags and chnage the locks

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 13/01/2022 23:08

What are you and wimpy DH prepared to do? Go buy a backbone for a start maybe?

No point posting here, people spending time time giving suggestions if all you're going to do is wring your hands Mavis Riley style and not do anything!

DreamTheMoors · 14/01/2022 00:10

Give him a time limit.

If he’s not gone by then, his bags are on the front and the locks are changed.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

DreamTheMoors · 14/01/2022 00:12

@Hankunamatata

Give him solid deadline. If he doesnt go. Pack his bags and chnage the locks
My apologies, @Hankunamatata - cross post.
Iamnotamermaid · 14/01/2022 07:42

@Fatarseflanagan09

If your Husband won’t do anything about his freeloading brother then make it as unpleasant as you possibly can, bag his stuff up and dump it outside, be vocal and loud expressing your feelings and anger while he’s in the house and refuse to do anything for either of them, don’t do any shopping and only wash your own clothes, remove all your personal belongings, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and anything else that belongs to you, honestly if I was in your place he’d be glad to move out because I’d be a fucking nightmare and if your husband won’t man up tell him to fuck off with his skanky scruffy lazy bastard brother.
Got to admit this is exactly what I would be doing in your position OP. Stop making life comfortable for him. Remove all your good shampoo etc - replace with cheap stuff. Wake him up during the day - change the password for the WIFI. Anything left on the floor goes in the bin within 24 hours. Any complaints just have a total meltdown at him...and DP if required.
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