Would you tell the other woman?

[Trippingslippingx1]

I met a guy who was 41/M no children on Bumble
He told me he was getting a divorce and they lived seperately Went on a few dates with him over the course of a few months I had an instinct a few things were up - he still followed his ex on his apple watch, she was still commenting on his photos on social media, he also told me the wrong number for his flat (92) when I put it into Uber on one of our dates to drop him off, then when he invited me his flat it was 61 (same road). He was very reluctant to have me over at first. I gave benefit of the doubt.

Last date I went on with him he had a drink in him and let a few things slip which gave me gut reaction that he may have been lying about getting a divorce. Followed my instinct and now glad I did.

They are still together - friend found them on social media recently pictured together with numerous comments about how lovely a couple they are. Had only known him a few weeks so not alot of time wasted.

Disappointed that someone would feel so little respect for other people that they could be potentially using them as ‘side chick’.

Feel a bit sick to be honest now I realise this but glad I got away.

AIBU to have an insane want to message him utter profanities and also tell her?
For the record I just made the quietest and most graceful exit I could and he is blocked everywhere.

Another HUGE warning flag ladies about these types - he did not use his real name on his social media (only initials) so he was difficult to find initially. Always always vet met online and be very careful. I read last night 30% of men on online dating are already married.

@BootySOS

I was the girlfriend / fiancé of a man like this and I wish someone had told me what he was up to. His friends knew. I liked them, hosted them, laughed with them and cared about them. It really, really hurt that no one told me and my mental health has suffered since. I trust no one.

I am sorry.

When a friend found put my first husband of 20 years was cheating on me she told me and I divorced him. Later I found others had known for up to a year and not told me. I felt sick that I had been having sex with him whilst he was having sex with ow. Tell her. Knowledge gives her the option of staying or divorce.

Yes - you should tell his wife

It is unlikely she would be angry with you. You are not married. It is her husband who is cheating on her. Tell her.

Such a hard position. I think you should tell her. Kindly, not all on the first message. Just ask her something vague about 'if you met a man on online dating who turned out to be married, would you tell his wife?' then see what she messages back. Because she could choose to bury her head under the sand or she could choose to find out more. But I really think she needs the knowledge you have. What if she has children with this man?????

I think you have made the right decision not to tell, if course you should put yourself first. I'm glad you found out quickly.

As the wife in a similar scenarios, I wish someone had told me. When you find out that other people knew its should destroying. If he is that brazen, people in his life will know.

I don't know, I'm in two minds about it. My ex-h repeatedly cheated on me. I had no idea and was embarrassed when I realised how many people knew and was annoyed nobody told me. Now I know I wish I was told, however, in reality I'm not sure how I would have felt about it at the time.

I had a friend who was anonymously contacted with details of her husband's online dating profile. I imagine the person who did this felt like you did. However, my friend made a serious suicide attempt and was very nearly not found in time. The issue is you have no idea what you might start even though your intentions are good. Difficult. I think I'd say to myself I had had a lucky escape. He will be shitting himself as he has no idea what you might do. Let him suffer that stress. His wife will find out eventually or indeed this might scare him enough that he never does it again.

You make whatever decision you feel safe with. I respect that. But my ex cheated on me and the not being told and realising people knew is what hurt most. I’m sad at some of the respondents on here who think infidelity is normal and you should just accept it. (That’s pretty much what my x said!).
I once started seeing a guy at work who turned out to be married. I worked it out just as his wife did and she rang me. He’d said I was some silly stalker at work. We had a calm, sensible conversation and she went away to think about it. I later heard from a colleague that she left him. A friend overheard him talking about how he was hiding a property abroad from her and money to make his share in the divorce better. I wished I’d kept her number!

@Trippingslippingx1

I slept on it and I do not know how people will judge me for this but I have decided to not tell.

I am going to spend my weekend looking after myself as I feel so used by this and process the situation instead of having to look at my phone or over my shoulder

I think he could get nasty if I am honest
I think from what he let slip that night this is not his first rodeo and she is well aware (if this had not been the case and it appeared she was entirely naive I would have)

Have decided not my circus not my monkeys
Neither of them know me and I have to look after myself

Sorry I didn't see this update before I posted.

Please tell her. It's the best closure you can have - clear conscience.
If he's abusive and unfaithful on top of it, she really deserves to know.

@MissNothing1991

Please tell the wife. I have been the wife (fiancée in my case) and many people knew it, including my own friends and family for years and said nothing. I cannot tell you how much damage this caused me. Especially my mental health.

I know it's something nobody wants to do. But she is much better knowing.

This honestly this ! I had two women message me that my ex has been with (with a day of each other) one did it in a lovely way and said she was so sorry to be the one to tell me but .. provided all the links/ texts and said I could call so she could explain

And the other basically gloated saying I could keep him but I should know he's a cheat (and it was my fault), I think she thought he had told me and I begged him to stay when actually he had chipped this women off to be with the nicer girl and confessed to the nicer one who promptly messaged me.

Honestly please tell her 😞 I was pregnant but it allowed me permission to run and I'm happily married now and expecting again.

Please please do it.

@TheFormidableMrsC

I don't know, I'm in two minds about it. My ex-h repeatedly cheated on me. I had no idea and was embarrassed when I realised how many people knew and was annoyed nobody told me. Now I know I wish I was told, however, in reality I'm not sure how I would have felt about it at the time.

I had a friend who was anonymously contacted with details of her husband's online dating profile. I imagine the person who did this felt like you did. However, my friend made a serious suicide attempt and was very nearly not found in time. The issue is you have no idea what you might start even though your intentions are good. Difficult. I think I'd say to myself I had had a lucky escape. He will be shitting himself as he has no idea what you might do. Let him suffer that stress. His wife will find out eventually or indeed this might scare him enough that he never does it again.

This.

I totally agree. And I think the fact I went ghost and stayed silent was the best thing here.

@TheFormidableMrsC

I don't know, I'm in two minds about it. My ex-h repeatedly cheated on me. I had no idea and was embarrassed when I realised how many people knew and was annoyed nobody told me. Now I know I wish I was told, however, in reality I'm not sure how I would have felt about it at the time.

I had a friend who was anonymously contacted with details of her husband's online dating profile. I imagine the person who did this felt like you did. However, my friend made a serious suicide attempt and was very nearly not found in time. The issue is you have no idea what you might start even though your intentions are good. Difficult. I think I'd say to myself I had had a lucky escape. He will be shitting himself as he has no idea what you might do. Let him suffer that stress. His wife will find out eventually or indeed this might scare him enough that he never does it again.

That's a terrifying story and one reason why I don't think people should tell unless they actually have a connection to the people involved, and certainly don't think anyone should ever tell anonymously. I'd be so upset and angry if I got told by some invisible shadow and I couldn't make an assessment or know who was watching and interfering in my life. I'd honestly rather not be told than get some anonymous note that dropped a bomb in my life but protected the sender.

If you're the poster I think you are, your husband's affair sounds like it was the least of it. He didn't just bow out with as much decency as was possible by that point, but he and the OW harassed and attacked you for years to the point of near-criminality, and personally I think that's worse.

@candlelightsatdawn I would be very much like the first if I decide to tell. There is nothing to gloat about, it is humiliating to have even have been dragged into this. I am so above this.

Just leave it.

[quote Trippingslippingx1]@candlelightsatdawn I would be very much like the first if I decide to tell. There is nothing to gloat about, it is humiliating to have even have been dragged into this. I am so above this.[/quote]
He dragged you into this remember! You didn't think of goodie a married man, and to be fair to the ladies in my situation they didn't know either. I'm not surprised one of them was cheesed off (with hindsight) both were in pain tbh. God knows why he wasn't catch of the day by any stretch.

The man is the root bloody cause of all this pain and he will only learn when his actions catch up with him.

One of my grannies sayings was "Be the women that weak and spineless men are terrified of."

You can always block if you get any nonsense back from the girlfriend and him well - I hope he steps on a nail.

Don't carry someone else's guilt .Especially someone who doesn't feel guilty at all (enough to do it more than once).

Can you report him to bumble?

@candlelightsatdawn You are right. He is not catch of the day either. This situation must happen to unsuspecting woman all the time.

His wife would be able to tell from my professional reputation, demeanour and affect that I am not full of shit. He will likely make me out to be some silly hysterical woman but again I think my reputation if she ever googled me would strongly buffer any of his gaslighting allegations.

I think he may well be shitting himself.

@Staryflight445

Can you report him to bumble?

He deleted his profile.

@Trippingslippingx1 these men never are.. my ex was a nice and seemly "good man" but no Tom Jones as it were.

I believe in informed consent, the problem is my ex partner put my sexual health at risk by doing this (not every time but since he had been at it for a while sometimes he was safe sometimes he wasn't) . The humiliation when I had to tell my MW was extreme but thankfully I was told.I could take steps to get checked out and I was lucky.

I could stay if I wished, knowing the full story. Obviously I did neither. Whether she believes you is irrelevant, and what he says is irrelevant but everyone is entitled to informed consent about things that effect their medical health. He's cheating because he wants to take away her ability to make a informed choice.

Friend of mine contracted HIV from her husband of 10 years, if they had caught it sooner her outcome would have been different as would her life.

I truly wish this man to step on several nails. I'm sorry for one that he's dumped this on your door. Only you can make the choice but my god although it lead to a incredible amount of heartache at the time, I'm so thankful to those women now.

Just something to think on if nothing else. Good luck OP rock and a hard place is always a nightmare place to be.

Remember he put you there, not you.

@DrSbaitso Yes that was me 😕. I don't wish to derail the thread at all but suffice to say he has lost contact with our DS and she is subject of a Prohibited Steps Order. They have moved to the other end of the country. It's a relief. I appreciate you remembering me

[quote Trippingslippingx1]@candlelightsatdawn You are right. He is not catch of the day either. This situation must happen to unsuspecting woman all the time.

His wife would be able to tell from my professional reputation, demeanour and affect that I am not full of shit. He will likely make me out to be some silly hysterical woman but again I think my reputation if she ever googled me would strongly buffer any of his gaslighting allegations.

I think he may well be shitting himself.[/quote]
I suspect he is. Your silence and his inability to contact you will send him scatty and that's no less than he deserves 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d want to know but IME telling the wife only ever ends up as the man manipulating everyone into thinking the OW is a crazy liar and he continues his life smelling of roses.