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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell the other woman?

133 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 15:51

I met a guy who was 41/M no children on Bumble
He told me he was getting a divorce and they lived seperately Went on a few dates with him over the course of a few months I had an instinct a few things were up - he still followed his ex on his apple watch, she was still commenting on his photos on social media, he also told me the wrong number for his flat (92) when I put it into Uber on one of our dates to drop him off, then when he invited me his flat it was 61 (same road). He was very reluctant to have me over at first. I gave benefit of the doubt.

Last date I went on with him he had a drink in him and let a few things slip which gave me gut reaction that he may have been lying about getting a divorce. Followed my instinct and now glad I did.

They are still together - friend found them on social media recently pictured together with numerous comments about how lovely a couple they are. Had only known him a few weeks so not alot of time wasted.

Disappointed that someone would feel so little respect for other people that they could be potentially using them as ‘side chick’.

Feel a bit sick to be honest now I realise this but glad I got away.

AIBU to have an insane want to message him utter profanities and also tell her?
For the record I just made the quietest and most graceful exit I could and he is blocked everywhere.

Another HUGE warning flag ladies about these types - he did not use his real name on his social media (only initials) so he was difficult to find initially. Always always vet met online and be very careful. I read last night 30% of men on online dating are already married.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 13/01/2022 19:23

@ponkydonkey

I'd want to know... but maybe she does either way Tell her

And as for those saying mind your own

Well he dragged op into it so time to face the music!?

I’d want to know too, but you don’t know how this will turn out. She may well end up on your door step.
User1isnotavailable · 13/01/2022 19:25

Sometimes the wife or partner knows and turns a blind eye, often they are in the dark and the last to know.

I'd want to know. However, if you tell her she will likely turn on you not her 'wonderful partner' Hmm the messenger is usually the one blamed.

Similar position for me several years ago, chatted to, then met a man who was with a woman but not living with her but didn't want to be alone so searching for something better. I stopped all contact and blocked. I found out later a different woman he had seen had told her and she didn't believe it, said he had a stalker or the woman was jilted so sour grapes or some such over the top rubbish. She is still with him and he is still playing around. Even a woman given a tip off might still not believe it and stay.

furbabymama87 · 13/01/2022 19:26

I don't know what I'd do in this situation. I've done similar in the past and been blocked by the woman, who probably fell for a load of bullshit and believed what she wanted to believe, so part of me would be tempted to keep quiet.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 19:27

Its not revenge I feel at all
I just feel so sad there are people who say their vows and go to the extent of marriage to use the woman in their life as objects - they live a lie, its sad for everyone involved
I have never married any of the Men who asked me as I was honest enough to know it was not fair on them as we were not right together

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 19:28

Maybe op doesn't give out her address then xD just a thought haha.

User1isnotavailable · 13/01/2022 19:30

@Trippingslippingx1

He knows where I stay and he knows where I work - I am a professional also.

I do echo alot of the sentiments to stay out of it and I am torn as what to do. Particularly as it was not just 1/2 dates - we had been to each others flats etc and had intercourse. I feel very used and I am devastated. I am glad at the moment nothing more has been said and I ended it as calmly and quietly as I could when I realised something was very wrong. It has just taken a few days for the reality to set in. Why did he chose me to do this with? What does it say about me that I am the other woman here? Honestly what is wrong with people

I'm sorry he used you for sex. It's not nice when you find out that someone has used you. He has probably done it many times before and will continue unless he is found out and she boots him out. She may be a weak woman and forgive the cheater, many do and for many reasons many don't end a relationship when the partner has cheated. He will blame you, he will probably say you are mad/bad/psycho or all 3.

Hold you head high and find a decent person. Some people are cheats and unable to stay faithful.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 19:34

He would have continued to use me for sex I recon if I had not kept my eyes and ears wide open. Its frightening.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 13/01/2022 19:41

I just feel so sad

Oh purlease! There's probably millions of women all over the world being cheated on. Prior to this did you mope around feeling sad for them all? The only difference here is that you were the one he was cheating with.

Seriously, just move on

Staryflight445 · 13/01/2022 19:51

Op is right to be sad after being used and lied to.
It’s a perfectly normal emotional response. I’d feel sad and betrayed as well, it would really ruin my trust in my ability.

@Comedycook

Comedycook · 13/01/2022 20:03

@staryflight445

The op can of course feel sad for herself but she said this

I just feel so sad there are people who say their vows and go to the extent of marriage to use the woman in their life as objects

It's utterly pointless to feel sad about this and pretty disingenuous imo anyway. Infidelity will always be around

DrSbaitso · 13/01/2022 20:05

I think it's normal to feel sad after discovering the guy you were seeing is married and was lying to you.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 20:10

@DrSbaitso

I think it's normal to feel sad after discovering the guy you were seeing is married and was lying to you.
Particuarly when he had gone to the extent of covering it up like a psychopath!
OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 13/01/2022 20:10

Please tell her. Be kind

Believer99 · 13/01/2022 20:11

I would leave well alone. It's a messy entanglement and usually the wife won't thank you for it

Ludo19 · 13/01/2022 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 20:28

I think it's sadder that there are women on here saying they wouldn't say anything. I mean what the actual fuck. 'Oh boohoo she might get mad at me or not believe me waaaaah. So I'm just going to have to be a shitty human being and not do the right thing because I'm such a fucking coward with no basic human decency or moral fibre'. And encouraging op to do the same. Depressing.

HikingforScenery · 13/01/2022 20:59

@Trippingslippingx1

I met a guy who was 41/M no children on Bumble He told me he was getting a divorce and they lived seperately Went on a few dates with him over the course of a few months I had an instinct a few things were up - he still followed his ex on his apple watch, she was still commenting on his photos on social media, he also told me the wrong number for his flat (92) when I put it into Uber on one of our dates to drop him off, then when he invited me his flat it was 61 (same road). He was very reluctant to have me over at first. I gave benefit of the doubt.

Last date I went on with him he had a drink in him and let a few things slip which gave me gut reaction that he may have been lying about getting a divorce. Followed my instinct and now glad I did.

They are still together - friend found them on social media recently pictured together with numerous comments about how lovely a couple they are. Had only known him a few weeks so not alot of time wasted.

Disappointed that someone would feel so little respect for other people that they could be potentially using them as ‘side chick’.

Feel a bit sick to be honest now I realise this but glad I got away.

AIBU to have an insane want to message him utter profanities and also tell her?
For the record I just made the quietest and most graceful exit I could and he is blocked everywhere.

Another HUGE warning flag ladies about these types - he did not use his real name on his social media (only initials) so he was difficult to find initially. Always always vet met online and be very careful. I read last night 30% of men on online dating are already married.

30%? Gosh that’s depressing
MumOf21 · 13/01/2022 21:03

My first Husband was a serial cheat with women. My Job included working Night duty at the time many years ago in the 1980s. We had three young children together, and l found out about his women when my children once told me that women were ‘sleeping in my bed at night with Daddy’.
I decided to return home early one night and caught him red handed, with a young teenage girl in my Bed. She was as shocked as l was.
I went on to divorce him, as did the next three wives he married.

Met my Cousins boss at a Halloween party, and the rest is history as they say, 34 years married now with two more daughters of our own, as well as raising those from my first marriage, although we sadly lost one to Breast cancer in 2015, aged 36 years. R.I.P. Katie xxx
Serial cheats never appear to learn by their mistakes

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 21:42

I am going to sleep on it

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 13/01/2022 22:01

@Pinkbonbon

I think it's sadder that there are women on here saying they wouldn't say anything. I mean what the actual fuck. 'Oh boohoo she might get mad at me or not believe me waaaaah. So I'm just going to have to be a shitty human being and not do the right thing because I'm such a fucking coward with no basic human decency or moral fibre'. And encouraging op to do the same. Depressing.
You're making the assumption that OP is morally obliged to tell. She isn't. The situation isn't her fault and she's entitled to decide to stay out of it if that's what she prefers. It doesn't make her a "shitty human being." That's just manipulative emotional blackmail.

If she wants to tell, this is her business because he got her involved by lying. If she doesn't, she's allowed to decide for herself whether she wants to have any more drama, and possibly more shit, on account of this dickhead.

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 13/01/2022 22:08

She needs to know

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 22:24

[quote Staryflight445]@Sportslady44 what makes you think telling the wife would be some sort of revenge?

Op, I’d want to know. I hope you do tell her.[/quote]
It's not so much that.She doesn't know how they will react. He knows where she lives. Dangerous. Move on.

user1471467965 · 13/01/2022 23:09

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. This is almost exactly my recent situation except I was the unsuspecting wife. I will be forever grateful to the woman who had the courage to reach out and tell me what my now ex husband had been up to.

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 23:30

Telling would be the moral thing to do. And we all have moral obligations whether we choose to ignore them or not. No, it's not her fault in the slightest but she has found out the man she was sleeping with had a wife and deciding not to tell her, would be immoral.

Does that mean she has to tell her? No. But I don't have time for people who say we don't all have a responsibility to behave in a moral way. We all make bad choices and let ourselves down sometimes - but we know right from wrong so let's not pretend one thing is the other. And let's not tell people they don't have moral obligations when they do. Whether or not they choose to ignore them.

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 23:34

@Pinkbonbon

I think it's sadder that there are women on here saying they wouldn't say anything. I mean what the actual fuck. 'Oh boohoo she might get mad at me or not believe me waaaaah. So I'm just going to have to be a shitty human being and not do the right thing because I'm such a fucking coward with no basic human decency or moral fibre'. And encouraging op to do the same. Depressing.
You don't get it do you.

We live in a horrible world. People aren't nice and things don't go the way you expect them too
This is dangerous. She doesn't know they might not try to attack her or something or make life hard. There's ko going back once you have told.

Move on is the best thing. Their marriage isn't her problem and the repercussions from this could be horrendous. Think of it from that angle.

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