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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell the other woman?

133 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 15:51

I met a guy who was 41/M no children on Bumble
He told me he was getting a divorce and they lived seperately Went on a few dates with him over the course of a few months I had an instinct a few things were up - he still followed his ex on his apple watch, she was still commenting on his photos on social media, he also told me the wrong number for his flat (92) when I put it into Uber on one of our dates to drop him off, then when he invited me his flat it was 61 (same road). He was very reluctant to have me over at first. I gave benefit of the doubt.

Last date I went on with him he had a drink in him and let a few things slip which gave me gut reaction that he may have been lying about getting a divorce. Followed my instinct and now glad I did.

They are still together - friend found them on social media recently pictured together with numerous comments about how lovely a couple they are. Had only known him a few weeks so not alot of time wasted.

Disappointed that someone would feel so little respect for other people that they could be potentially using them as ‘side chick’.

Feel a bit sick to be honest now I realise this but glad I got away.

AIBU to have an insane want to message him utter profanities and also tell her?
For the record I just made the quietest and most graceful exit I could and he is blocked everywhere.

Another HUGE warning flag ladies about these types - he did not use his real name on his social media (only initials) so he was difficult to find initially. Always always vet met online and be very careful. I read last night 30% of men on online dating are already married.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/01/2022 17:24

I'd tell her.
I'd message her and tell her you're really sorry to have to tell her this and then explain what you've said here.

Be honest and be kind. She might be angry at you but that's because you're the messenger.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 17:25

I suppose I have text messages and also restaurant booking - I also have the Uber reciept to his not so exact address (now know this was told on purpose to cover his tracks).

One red flag here I must note now in hindsight is he was always very quick to get off the phone to me - prematurely ending text conversations snd phone calls. He was also very fixed in the times and places he could meet me. He had said I could see him one Monday night - then when I messaged to arrange he said he has a friend over and could do Thursday instead. It is all so obvious in hindsight but you also cannot go about suspicious.

OP posts:
MrsWinters · 13/01/2022 17:26

Does he know where you live? Whilst I would want to know if it was me, you also need to think about protecting yourself and this could turn nasty.

1forAll74 · 13/01/2022 17:29

i wouldn't tell the wife, what good will that do, There must be hundreds of cheating men and women all over the place. the woman in this case.may know all about her husbands exploits,he is just good at deceiving people for a while obviously..

I know of three couples in my village,who cheat with other people, the other halves don't appear to be aware of this. but I say nothing, as not my problem.

DrSbaitso · 13/01/2022 17:30

I'm not in favour of inserting oneself into the lives of strangers about whom you know nothing and who are nothing to do with you.

But you're not a stranger. He got you involved and this is now your business.

So if you want to tell, I agree with PP just to stick to the facts that you know, no speculating further. And don't be anonymous. That's just horrible.

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 17:31

No don't it could get messy just walk away uts their problem.

StruggleStreet · 13/01/2022 17:33

If I was the wife I would want to know, but it’s going to be painful for her to hear so I think try to make it gentle but unambiguous.

StellaDarkley · 13/01/2022 17:34

I wouldn't tell his wife. You don't known her or anything about her - you have no idea how she will react (or how he will).

If he knows where you live or work, he could retaliate. What does it achieve (apart from some revenge on your part). She probably won't believe you anyway and will turn her anger and hatred on to you.

DrSbaitso · 13/01/2022 17:36

To be clear, I don't think you're obliged to tell if you don't want to. I just think that since you have an actual connection here and it's not your fault, and he's ongoing with this, it wouldn't be inappropriate if you chose to.

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 17:41

Don't do it you don't know what your getting into.

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 13/01/2022 18:24

I echo what the most recent posters have said. It's all very well people on here saying "tell her tell her!" but you have no idea who these people are, what kind of circles they mix in or what their approach and reaction to this will be. If he knows where you live or work I would just walk away and chalk it up to a shit experience. It's very sad for his wife but you're not responsible for her and I would not be putting my safety or stability at risk for a stranger. For all you know if he's had a "wandering eye" throughout his marriage she may well know what he's like already and just buries her head in the sand like so many other fools.

Lily019 · 13/01/2022 18:30

My friends and even my mother knew my ex husband was cheating on me, yet nobody thought to tell me at the time. I went to hell and back because of his, and their, betrayal. Please let that poor woman know who she is married to. You will no doubt cause her pain, but at least you will save her lots of wasted years on a shit bag of a husband.

ponkydonkey · 13/01/2022 18:35

I'd want to know... but maybe she does either way
Tell her

And as for those saying mind your own

Well he dragged op into it so time to face the music!?

PearlD · 13/01/2022 18:37

I think this is one of the true damned if you do, damned if you don't situiations of life, and there is no right thing to do. I think it's absolutely rife and not knowing either of them I'd be tempted to steer clear.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 18:40

He knows where I stay and he knows where I work - I am a professional also.

I do echo alot of the sentiments to stay out of it and I am torn as what to do. Particularly as it was not just 1/2 dates - we had been to each others flats etc and had intercourse. I feel very used and I am devastated. I am glad at the moment nothing more has been said and I ended it as calmly and quietly as I could when I realised something was very wrong. It has just taken a few days for the reality to set in. Why did he chose me to do this with? What does it say about me that I am the other woman here? Honestly what is wrong with people

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 13/01/2022 18:45

Why do you feel so sick? He’s not your husband, not your problem and you only knew him a few weeks.

Just get someone else to tell her if you’re scared of him causing you an issue.
You obviously have gone stalking and found stuff out you didn’t want to, now you have your answers but you sound like you want some drama with the situation, I mean feeling sick over this is a bit dramatic if you’re not that bothered, I think you’re more upset than you’re letting on.

But yes I would want to know if my husband has secret dating profiles.

Hertsgirl10 · 13/01/2022 18:51

@Trippingslippingx1

He knows where I stay and he knows where I work - I am a professional also.

I do echo alot of the sentiments to stay out of it and I am torn as what to do. Particularly as it was not just 1/2 dates - we had been to each others flats etc and had intercourse. I feel very used and I am devastated. I am glad at the moment nothing more has been said and I ended it as calmly and quietly as I could when I realised something was very wrong. It has just taken a few days for the reality to set in. Why did he chose me to do this with? What does it say about me that I am the other woman here? Honestly what is wrong with people

@Trippingslippingx1

Don’t take it too personally he’s a cheater that’s what they do, you won’t be the first he’s cheated with and certainly won’t be the last.

He chose you because you was likely one out of 20 he swiped and you answered, then met and was willing to have intercourse with him.
There may well be many more so take this as a lesson for you, don’t trust every internet man, especially ones that want sex straight away and always be safe. Don’t take men to your home until you know them properly.
You are allowed to have causal sexual relationships just protect yourself at all costs.
If you don’t want casual with a man then stay away from men that initiate sex straight away, you’ve been used it’s not nice but imagine how he’s wife feels.

Don’t want to sound too harsh here i just want you to take it as a lesson learned and treat yourself better in future. Some men are pigs.

ashorterday · 13/01/2022 19:00

i wouldn't tell the wife, what good will that do,

Well it will enlighten his wife to the fact that she's married to an arsehole, and enable her not to waste any more time on him!

I know someone who's only recently found out her husband has had numerous affairs, and is furious that she's wasted all these years staying with a cheat.

FTEngineerM · 13/01/2022 19:03

For me the humiliation comes from not knowing.. tell her, I’d want to know for sure

Comedycook · 13/01/2022 19:03

I feel very used and I am devastated

Sounds like there's an element of revenge.

Honestly, just forget the whole thing. Why are you tearing yourself in knots trying to work out what to do? It's pointless. Loads of people are being cheated on at at given time...this woman is a stranger to you, quite frankly, who cares? If it wasn't you, it would have probably been someone else. Who needs this drama?

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 19:07

I would just send her all the info I had and let her make her own mind up. No need to get into a too and fro. Just 'hey, sorry to be the barer of bad news but I was dating your partner and found out he was married. Thought if it was me, I'd want to know. Here's the messages between us screenshotted. Heres his dating profile. He told me we could only meet on xyz days. Your house has a pink lamp by the bedside. We slept together on x date. Here's a picture of a reciet from the restaurants'. Ect.

Wouldn't sit right with me to say nothing.

Wouldn't worry about backlash with this tbh. He'll be too worried about embarrassing himself further. And too busy trying to con her. Also, fuck him. How dare he. I'm not scared of cheating little rats who think they can treat women like shit and we'll just shut up and take it. No sir.

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 19:09

WALK AWAY forget revenge.

MOVE ON.

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 13/01/2022 19:16

Yes I think you should. But be prepared for it to not go how you’d expect, even if you have proof. Anger can get misplaced towards you when people are in denial. Some women would rather believe that their philandering husbands are angels and that crazy women are making stuff up about them.

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 19:17

If you say nothing, you'll feel guilty about it for ever. You'll find yourself looking at that poor womans Instagram every 6 months thinking about how you've wronged her by saying nothing. Wondering if you still could...but deciding against it because so much time has past, it would make you look like some obsessed weirdo.

Staryflight445 · 13/01/2022 19:23

@Sportslady44 what makes you think telling the wife would be some sort of revenge?

Op, I’d want to know. I hope you do tell her.