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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you tell the other woman?

133 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 13/01/2022 15:51

I met a guy who was 41/M no children on Bumble
He told me he was getting a divorce and they lived seperately Went on a few dates with him over the course of a few months I had an instinct a few things were up - he still followed his ex on his apple watch, she was still commenting on his photos on social media, he also told me the wrong number for his flat (92) when I put it into Uber on one of our dates to drop him off, then when he invited me his flat it was 61 (same road). He was very reluctant to have me over at first. I gave benefit of the doubt.

Last date I went on with him he had a drink in him and let a few things slip which gave me gut reaction that he may have been lying about getting a divorce. Followed my instinct and now glad I did.

They are still together - friend found them on social media recently pictured together with numerous comments about how lovely a couple they are. Had only known him a few weeks so not alot of time wasted.

Disappointed that someone would feel so little respect for other people that they could be potentially using them as ‘side chick’.

Feel a bit sick to be honest now I realise this but glad I got away.

AIBU to have an insane want to message him utter profanities and also tell her?
For the record I just made the quietest and most graceful exit I could and he is blocked everywhere.

Another HUGE warning flag ladies about these types - he did not use his real name on his social media (only initials) so he was difficult to find initially. Always always vet met online and be very careful. I read last night 30% of men on online dating are already married.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2022 23:45

But that's catastrophising big time!
99.9% chance she messages the wife the details, blocks them both and never hears anything more of it. Yes there are risks, life is a risk! It shouldn't stop us helping our fellow woman if and whenever we can. Otherwise, what's the point? If fakes and bullies and cheats are just allowed to to go about their buisness unchallenged when we see them do wrong, how can we expect it will be any different when they do wrong to us?

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 23:49

@Pinkbonbon

But that's catastrophising big time! 99.9% chance she messages the wife the details, blocks them both and never hears anything more of it. Yes there are risks, life is a risk! It shouldn't stop us helping our fellow woman if and whenever we can. Otherwise, what's the point? If fakes and bullies and cheats are just allowed to to go about their buisness unchallenged when we see them do wrong, how can we expect it will be any different when they do wrong to us?

Horrible things happen. She dosent know who she is dealing with The wife might already know The wife might not like being told.

Up to the op now. Not my problem thankfully.
There's always different ways to see things. I think personal safety is important here.

Toasterandjam · 13/01/2022 23:58

I'd be prepared for the fact so she might already know and chooses to turn a blind eye to it. All you can do is explain that you'd want to know in her position and that no malice is intended.

DrSbaitso · 14/01/2022 07:03

@Pinkbonbon

But that's catastrophising big time! 99.9% chance she messages the wife the details, blocks them both and never hears anything more of it. Yes there are risks, life is a risk! It shouldn't stop us helping our fellow woman if and whenever we can. Otherwise, what's the point? If fakes and bullies and cheats are just allowed to to go about their buisness unchallenged when we see them do wrong, how can we expect it will be any different when they do wrong to us?

It's not catastrophising any more than you are with all this "shitty human being", "fucking coward" and "no human decency or moral fibre" stuff...and all that about a person who didn't cause this situation, hasn't cheated, had no idea he was married and then ended it when she found out. It's excessive and manipulative rhetoric.

OP is not the world's sexual morality police. If she decides this guy has caused her enough crap already and she just wants to leave it and move on, that's her right, without being abused for it. She isn't shitty or cowardly, she ended it! She doesn't have to take further risks to herself of any kind if she chooses not to. The situation isn't her fault and his marriage and shittiness aren't her obligation to correct.

QuinnMovesOn · 14/01/2022 07:28

Please do be careful as the scumbag has your personal info. I'm not sure what I would do in this situation, but I would a) wait several months so the idiot doesn't immediately realize it's me and b) create a new account to use when contacting the wife, send the info and then delete the account so I don't have to deal with any responses. Or I would just walk away and not bother. My sympathies on a difficult situation.

Comedycook · 14/01/2022 07:58

All this angst...it's just ridiculous. He knows where you live and work...it really really isn't worth the risk. She's just one of the many women who is being cheated on...only difference being you were the other party. You don't know this woman..stop giving the whole situation head space. You feel hurt naturally and you want to make yourself feel better. You will bring a whole load of drama into your life

NSA2103 · 14/01/2022 08:28

My wife cheated on me. We had two children. The OM's wife gave her an ultimatum - "you tell him or I will!". I am ever grateful to her for doing that. The four of us were friends. We are now divorced.

If you don't know the innocent party, I get the safety concern.

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 08:36

I slept on it and I do not know how people will judge me for this but I have decided to not tell.

I am going to spend my weekend looking after myself as I feel so used by this and process the situation instead of having to look at my phone or over my shoulder

I think he could get nasty if I am honest
I think from what he let slip that night this is not his first rodeo and she is well aware (if this had not been the case and it appeared she was entirely naive I would have)

Have decided not my circus not my monkeys
Neither of them know me and I have to look after myself

OP posts:

Savoretti · 14/01/2022 08:38

I don’t think you should have just walked away. I think glue should have told him you know he is married. No drama or shouting but let him know he has not got away with it

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 08:40

@Savoretti

I don’t think you should have just walked away. I think glue should have told him you know he is married. No drama or shouting but let him know he has not got away with it

I think he knows he was rumbled but my instinct was to not say anything - I do not know why. I just completely pulled back. For some reason I have this instinct he is quite abusive.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 14/01/2022 08:49

I think that sounds sensible op... prioritize yourself

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 08:54

@Savoretti

I don’t think you should have just walked away. I think glue should have told him you know he is married. No drama or shouting but let him know he has not got away with it

I am not sure TBH - That night also he let many things slip with a drink in him. He uses recreational drugs, was verbally abusive towards ‘ex’ wife mum and dad - I mean there were more red flags here than the soviets.

OP posts:

LittleMG · 14/01/2022 08:55

I voted you should tell her, but I totally understand your decision this morning. Move on and chalk it up to experience. Just remember it wasn’t you that did anything wrong.

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 09:00

I told a friend once I had seen her man was still on dating apps a year after they met. He denied it, she stayed with him. He obviously was still using them as that app only shows active profiles

There was no point whatsoever except causing me a headache and she was weird with me for months

Invite to their wedding though 🤣

OP posts:

BootySOS · 14/01/2022 09:02

I was the girlfriend / fiancé of a man like this and I wish someone had told me what he was up to.
His friends knew.
I liked them, hosted them, laughed with them and cared about them. It really, really hurt that no one told me and my mental health has suffered since. I trust no one.

Crumbs22 · 14/01/2022 09:04

I'm really sorry this happened to you and think you're brilliant to have found him out and blocked him. I would send her screen shot evidence and a very short factual message. The rest is up to her. I definitely would want to know as well.

Joined4this · 14/01/2022 09:09

Tell her. But not in a gloating nasty way. Men do this because nobody calls them out. If you cheat you can deal with the consequences of your actions.

Joined4this · 14/01/2022 09:13

Just read your update. Wait 2 months, send screenshot from anonymous email. She needs to know. He might be giving her diseases. It’s not fair to her.

3scape · 14/01/2022 09:16

I would definitely let the wife know. Not out of spite, but because she deserves to know who he is in case she does want children AND for her potential health risks.

DrSbaitso · 14/01/2022 09:18

@Joined4this

Just read your update. Wait 2 months, send screenshot from anonymous email. She needs to know. He might be giving her diseases. It’s not fair to her.

If she needs to know, then she also needs to know who's telling her, otherwise she can't assess the source properly and has no idea who's watching her and her life.

If it's not safe to OP to tell then it might not be safe for the wife either.

RedHot22 · 14/01/2022 09:21

You were the Other Woman, not his wife

Livetolive · 14/01/2022 09:27

I think you've made the right decision OP. You don't know either of these people really, it's not the same as people upthread relating their experiences of friends and family having known about a cheating partner and staying silent.

You need to consider your own safety (he sounds unpleasant) and your mental health if you're feeling a bit vulnerable emotionally from your experience don't go adding to your own stress over someone else's life. You've no idea of their circumstances, it's not your responsibility.

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 09:40

I only knew him a few weeks and the truth of it is that he lied about his circumstances. It is not my fault. My gut instinct is he is manipulative and abusive and I was lucky I managed to get tidbits of information from him that night with a drink in him - otherwise it could have gone on for a long while longer. I suspect he is wondering what he said to let the game away - he will not be finding out.

When he told me he had ‘wandering eyes’ during the ‘marriage’ he told me it was for a strong independent woman who was very unlike his wife. She was one of the wifes friends. I tried to push for information but he closed down. My suspicion is that he cheated on his wife with her also.

Of note I come under the ‘strong, independent’ woman category (own business, high earner, property and cars) so I think he likes having his wife there but also searches for a ‘type’ online or in his friend groups.

I just want to never see him again and I am thankful I found out as quickly as I did.

OP posts:

Original poster

Trippingslippingx1 · 14/01/2022 09:43

@Livetolive

I agree - when it happened to a friend of mines who I have known for 15 years I told her. I have no connection to these two except for the nonsense he told me and when I found out I promptly removed myself from the narrative.

OP posts:

SweatyPie · 14/01/2022 09:43

Not other woman, wife.

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