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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these reasonable requests?

137 replies

Kaandii · 12/01/2022 21:36

Background...
long distance relationship for 5 months, we video call daily, we had an argument and this is what he text after I blocked him on Facebook

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. BUT FOR US TO BE IN A HAPPY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THESE THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT, IN ADDITION TO THE THINGS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS. HONESTY, OPENNESS, TRUST, RESPECT, EQUALITY.

YOU SHOULD BE WILLING TO DO THESE:

* I WANT ALL THE PROMISES YOU'VE EVER GIVEN ME TO BE KEPT. YOU CAN'T EVER TAKE THEM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUSMTANCES

  1. I wanna be unblocked and added on facebook (And need to be given the guarantee that such thing would never happen again on facebook or anywhere)

  2. I would like any pics of you taken with other men removed from facebook. (If you wanna keep (CHILD) dads pics for (CHILD) you can have them privately somewhere, not on facebook for everybody to see). I can't understand why you insist on publicly displaying pics of him I don't need to explain to you how much it hurts me.

  3. You have to work on controlling your anger. I will not tolerate you saying mean and abusive things to me. Remember how it made you feel when it was done to you.

  4. You should tell your doctor everything. You might need treatment for more than depression

  5. I should be able to ask you anything and you should be able to answer without getting mad and getting all defensive.

  6. You need to stop trying to dictate me what to do. I've been putting up with that only because I love you very much, not because I am scared of you or you can control me. We are equal in this relationship so we would decide things together while showing mutual respect.

  7. We need to be able to communicate under all circumstances. You need to answer the phone whenever I call. Communication is the key to everything.

I am certainly wanting to make this work. We have put in so much effort, time, feelings into this I don't want it all to go to a waste. I really don't want (CHILD) to think that I abandoned him too. I really wanna be around for him too. I hope this is how you feel too. I love you very much honey. I want us to be happy together forever.

Are his requests reasonable?

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 13/01/2022 05:28

More red flags here than a communist party conference

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/01/2022 05:46

He's being very unreasonable. I wasn't sure which way to vote, if it was based on his behaviour in which case I'd vote he's unreasonable or whether it's asking if you are being unreasonable, in which case you're not.

whymewhyme · 13/01/2022 05:47

Fuck right off, run for the hills!

Luckingfovely · 13/01/2022 05:49

Grow up, FFS. If your level of analytical reasoning means you can't decide whether this guy is bad news or not, then I have to wonder whether you are responsible enough to look after a child.

Jesus Christ.

CurtainTroubles · 13/01/2022 05:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

notyouagainn · 13/01/2022 06:06

No it's controlling and coercive I would not entertain this person any longer.

CobraChicken · 13/01/2022 06:08

@CurtainTroubles

He sounds insane. Why have you let a virtual stranger meet your child?
^ This!

He sounds utterly terrifying. Run for the hills and move house if he knows where you live

MangoBiscuit · 13/01/2022 06:11

Reasonable? Hell no, fuck that shit. Block him on everything and keep it that way.

MangoBiscuit · 13/01/2022 06:13

Also, if he's this controlling after 5 months long distance, how bad is he going to be in a year? Or if you lived together?! You wouldn't be allowed male friends, he'll get to say what clothes you're allowed out of the house in, you won't be allowed to speak to anyone who expresses concerns about your relationship (because they're trying to tear you apart, or some such shit). Run, OP.

JollyHolly30 · 13/01/2022 06:14

He sounds utterly pathetic.
What a turn off.

EishetChayil · 13/01/2022 06:33

Block him. Then do the Freedom Course.

Tabasco007 · 13/01/2022 06:42

@Kaandii

Background... long distance relationship for 5 months, we video call daily, we had an argument and this is what he text after I blocked him on Facebook

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. BUT FOR US TO BE IN A HAPPY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THESE THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT, IN ADDITION TO THE THINGS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS. HONESTY, OPENNESS, TRUST, RESPECT, EQUALITY.

YOU SHOULD BE WILLING TO DO THESE:

* I WANT ALL THE PROMISES YOU'VE EVER GIVEN ME TO BE KEPT. YOU CAN'T EVER TAKE THEM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUSMTANCES

  1. I wanna be unblocked and added on facebook (And need to be given the guarantee that such thing would never happen again on facebook or anywhere)

  2. I would like any pics of you taken with other men removed from facebook. (If you wanna keep (CHILD) dads pics for (CHILD) you can have them privately somewhere, not on facebook for everybody to see). I can't understand why you insist on publicly displaying pics of him I don't need to explain to you how much it hurts me.

  3. You have to work on controlling your anger. I will not tolerate you saying mean and abusive things to me. Remember how it made you feel when it was done to you.

  4. You should tell your doctor everything. You might need treatment for more than depression

  5. I should be able to ask you anything and you should be able to answer without getting mad and getting all defensive.

  6. You need to stop trying to dictate me what to do. I've been putting up with that only because I love you very much, not because I am scared of you or you can control me. We are equal in this relationship so we would decide things together while showing mutual respect.

  7. We need to be able to communicate under all circumstances. You need to answer the phone whenever I call. Communication is the key to everything.

I am certainly wanting to make this work. We have put in so much effort, time, feelings into this I don't want it all to go to a waste. I really don't want (CHILD) to think that I abandoned him too. I really wanna be around for him too. I hope this is how you feel too. I love you very much honey. I want us to be happy together forever.

Are his requests reasonable?

He sounds needy and unreasonable , so yes move in. But I have to say, why would you block someone after an argument, this seems quite childish to me, would really piss me off, so maybe things haven't been a bed of roses for him either as some of his comments do suggest that maybe you have been a bit of hard work too - maybe not, but that's what I picked up. Either way, after 5 months it's not worth it, move on and I hope the next one is less paranoid and controlling and it works out for you. He suggests you have been unreasonable and angry, that's might have been in response to him being out of order, but if not then, it's always worth looking at your own behavior too. Good Luck OP
RedWingBoots · 13/01/2022 06:49

You need to dump him and block him.

When you dump him don't give a long explanation of why you are doing so just say you aren't suitable to be together.

The red flags in his message are easy for everyone to see.

You then need to go to counseling to understand what makes a healthy relationship before you even consider dating someone else.

Oh and if you decide to ignore everyone who tells you to get help before dating someone else, please do not introduce your child to that person until you have been going out with them for a year. Why a year? It seems that you need other people to tell you your relationships are unhealthy and your child needs to be protected.

chaosrabbitland · 13/01/2022 06:50

its worrying that you seem to have been involved with a nutcase and need to post on the internet about what to do or if hes reasonable
of course hes not , iv never read such madness
and how old is this man anyway ? he appears to have the mentality of a child , i want us to be happy together forever ? i dont know or ever have any man that would come out with that shite , and i must admit im not quite normal in the sense i hate romantic expressions , so being called honey would have me screaming inside , does it not make you cringe a bit op ?

AnyFucker · 13/01/2022 07:04

Get this man away from your [CHILD]

DroopyClematis · 13/01/2022 07:49

This is not a relationship.
You are incompatible.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 13/01/2022 07:57

Run.

He's a walking red flag.

If you stay, you'll be posting even worse stuff in a few months. He's warned you.

So have we!

Howshouldibehave · 13/01/2022 08:02

I presume you blocked him because you have ended the relationship and don’t intend to see him again-good.

He doesn’t seem to realise that though.

stripeyflowers · 13/01/2022 08:28

He wouldn't see me for dust.

stripeyflowers · 13/01/2022 08:30

@1forAll74

He sounds like a Taliban leader.
Grin
sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 08:31

At this point you are most likely a troll

How many posts like this are you going to have?

whereisthejasmine · 13/01/2022 08:40

run away as fast as you can, he's a nutter

rainyskylight · 13/01/2022 08:42

I don’t really see why you are wasting our time as well as your own. Move on.

lovemelongtime · 13/01/2022 09:18

You have asked the question twice now, the answers are not going to change. Please listen - not one person on here thinks this is normal. Get the hell out of that toxic relationship.

GrendelsGrandma · 13/01/2022 09:21

Dear mumsnet, should I date a childish controlling twat? I've known him five months and introduced him to my child already