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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 12/01/2022 21:44

Why would you mourn a life without your child in your 20s when that’s all you’ve known?

I had kids young but I’m not a handmaiden. It may be ‘all I’ve known’ but I can still look at others and think (not regret but wistful) ‘ah that looks good, I would have loved to have travelled like that at that age.’

And obviously I have the life I have and I’m happy with it, but it’s the same as someone might occasionally look at a very wealthy person/someone who lives rurally/a celeb and think ‘if I had that life’ even though you’ve never known it.

Gingerbreadrules · 12/01/2022 21:45

I'm interested to know if you have friends of a similar age with babies? Especially ones that you knew before you had a baby? Did you plan to have a baby at this age? If so, are you offended because people think it must have been an unplanned pregnancy because you are young?

Because I had my first when I was 28, and I was still several years ahead of all my university friends, with the notable exception of one who had a baby (unplanned) in second year of uni, aged 20. In my circle of friends this was very unusual. All my other uni friends had their first baby at least 4-6 years after me.

Maybe it's related to education though. As said above, someone who goes to university would still be studying at 21, or potentially just starting out trying to get a career started, so they would be unlikely to plan to have a baby at that point. Women who are trying to climb the career ladder are more likely to get established in a job before starting a family. Whereas if you have been working since 18 (or younger eg if you did an apprenticeship or similar) you maybe feel like you are more of an adult, more settled in your life etc by 21. No judgment intended there, it's just you may be in a different place in your life depending on what your education/job situation is.

Pinchofnom · 12/01/2022 21:45

Definitely young to me.

ImInStealthMode · 12/01/2022 21:45

To add, I don't think it's just about having kids, I'd also say that these days it's unusually young to have found someone you're sure that you want to have kids with, and been with them long enough to be so sure.

I thank the heavens every day I'm no longer with any of the wastes of space I met / dated in my early 20s. It took me until my mid-30s and lots of hit & miss to work out what are and are not good qualities in a life partner / potential co-parent for me.

I'm a bit in awe of people who are so sure, so young (but maybe they had better examples to follow in their parents than I did)

CallipygousElephant · 12/01/2022 21:46

Well, If you have a child - that covers the Mum part.

And then when you add an age that is (at least in the context of a reasonable life expectancy) objectively fairly low - you get young.

Young Mum

HTH

WindInTheWillows7 · 12/01/2022 21:46

So, demographically speaking, it is "young". But practically speaking, it's not "too" young. :)

notacooldad · 12/01/2022 21:46

21 is young, my girls are are at university, dependant financially on me
And? Different choices. Nothing wrong with that.Mine hated the idea of wanting money from their parents and did something about it. Again, not right or wrong, just a choice.

itchmyscratch · 12/01/2022 21:47

I think it depends where you live. I was 21 when I had my first and that's about normal round here. I agree it's not a "young mum" at 21

SoftPillow · 12/01/2022 21:47

Well, come on, it's hardly old is it. You're being a bit obtuse here.

If most women can approx have kids from 16-45yrs old, that's a 29 yr span.

If you're coming in at year 4, of 29, then yes, it's at the start of it and young.

Od130990 · 12/01/2022 21:47

That's a good age to have a child. Despite what might now be thought of as normal due to modern medicine the fact still remains that Late teens & early 20's are the prime childbearing years. At age 30 the ability to get pregnant declines and by age 35 fertility rapidly declines.

Doubledenimrock · 12/01/2022 21:48

At 21 you are going to need alot of practical and financial support off parents in order to carry on your life as if you did not have a child.

user5656555 · 12/01/2022 21:48

@GullyGawk well let's hope your child doesn't become a parent young because no one wants to have a parent with an attitude like yours for support. I find it ironic the superiority complex some parents have on here and yet can't self reflect to see what an obnoxious person they come across as, I'd rather have a young mum who was more open minded, thanks very much.

All this supposed life experience prior to parenthood doesn't seem to be having that much of a positive impact on some posters!

DillDanding · 12/01/2022 21:48

Of course it’s young. And nothing wrong with that.

I don’t know anyone that had a baby until they were at least 27/28. I was 28, but I didn’t finish uni until I was 23 and travelled for a year after that.

15, 16, 17 is still a child in reality.

notacooldad · 12/01/2022 21:49

Well, If you have a child - that covers the Mum part

And then when you add an age that is (at least in the context of a reasonable life expectancy) objectively fairly low - you get young.

Young Mum
Has someone had all the clever clogs pills!
You know that the term 'young mum' can have a negative connotation

MangoLipstick · 12/01/2022 21:49

In my circle of friends, we didn’t start having children till we were in our 30s, as that is when we felt ready.

I was nowhere near ready at 21, I had just graduated from uni, still partying, still abit silly tbh.

My sister had her first at 20, I was 23 at the time and remember, whilst being excited for her, I also though ‘blimey, she’s so young’ but only because of where I was in my life at that stage. I wouldn’t give it a second thought now, but would still consider 21 to be young mum.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/01/2022 21:50

@Doubledenimrock

At 21 you are going to need alot of practical and financial support off parents in order to carry on your life as if you did not have a child.
I had zero of either from my parents.

Still managed to work, go on holidays abroad with my (now ExH, learn to drive and buy a car.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 12/01/2022 21:50

You are young, you are a mum, so you are a young mum.

Gymrats · 12/01/2022 21:51

21 wasn’t considered young where I lived.

It’s interesting so many people these days start having children at 30/40s.

Is it because they want careers first?
Can’t afford (stable) housing until they are older?
Have higher standards when it comes to men nowadays and don’t just settle with an idiot, so that takes longer?
I imagine it’s a lot of factors, but I find it interesting they way it’s going.

elliejjtiny · 12/01/2022 21:52

I started ttc aged 22 and had dc1 aged 24 so I would consider 21-25 as about average for a first time mum. Other people have babies later and they probably think they are average too. It's like with baby size, if yours was 6 pounds then you are going to think an 8 pound baby is huge. My baby was 7lb 6 and seemed tiny to me but the nicu nurses thought he was big.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 12/01/2022 21:53

@Doubledenimrock

At 21 you are going to need alot of practical and financial support off parents in order to carry on your life as if you did not have a child.
Really? Who says? I had mine at 21 and 23 and didn't have any financial support off my parents. We both worked full time.
CockSpadget · 12/01/2022 21:53

[quote user5656555]@CockSpadget perhaps your comprehension needs some work but I literally agreed it was young, that is factual, the snide opinions alongside about 21 "being a child" aren't, and are the reason some women feel negative connotations about being labelled young.[/quote]
I was quoting you in regards to your comment regarding older mums being offended by being called "old mums". The rest was just general thread comment regarding young mums denying they were young, whether they feel offended by being called that doesn't change the reality of it.

soisealta · 12/01/2022 21:53

Not that young. I don't get all this judgement. Have children whenever you want, it's a personal thing.

dafey · 12/01/2022 21:53

@WindInTheWillows7 But many people aren't in the position to buy when early 20s with or without dc.

Erictheavocado · 12/01/2022 21:54

These days, I can see why it is considered 'young' - women are more likely to go on to higher education and to try to establish a career before they have their children. When I had mine, at aged 27 and 30 , I was labelled a geriatric mother on my hospital notes. For my parents generation, it was quite considered quite normal to be married in late teens /very early 20's and for children to arrive very quickly ( I was born before the advent of the pill and easy access to reliable contraception). Although I married at 21, I was considered unusual when I waited to start my family, whereas nowadays, it is more unusual to have children at a younger age. So yes, I suppose you are a ' young mum' by virtue of your age, but I understand that for you, ' young mum' may have an undertone of disapproval and that you feel people use it as an insult.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 12/01/2022 21:54

21 is young and does make you a young mum in my opinion. You haven’t been an adult for long and unless you’ve led an exceptional life chances are you haven’t done much or experienced much in life yet.

15/16/17 is not a young mum it’s a teenager having a child.