To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

[546321yeah]

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

Of course it's a young mum. It's not meant as a criticism, just that you are young to have a child these days. My niece was 20 too- she completely acknowledges she was young mum. She's just had her second at 29: She's the same mum she was- fabulous in my opinion- just older, the more common age. She was pregnant the sane time as me having my last, age 39, so was young in that regard.

Also historically women had more dc in the past whereas many just have one these days.

No one should feel old at 21.

At 21 DH had just bought his first house, but that's very unusual at that age. Most people don't have enough work experience or savings or stability aged 21 to be a parent. So yes, it is young. Even in the 1960's 21 was a young mum.

I'm surprised you say you got in with your life just as well as you would have without a child. I had my first aged 26, and my career and travel experiences, and savings took a back burner once I'd had a child. I don't know anyone personally who says they just carried in with their life the same as if they didn't have a child. If that was a case nobody would blink at teen mums.

Depends on the area you live in. When mine were babies (twenty years ago), we had a batch of mums who all had their babies under the age of 22, and several who were in their late twenties (not many mid-twenties). Very few mums had their first babies post thirty,

None of my friends had their first child younger than 30, and having started at 30 we are definitely at the younger end of the playground parents. Most had first child at 35-40.

At school there are a couple of 'young mums' who had children in their early twenties.That's different from teenage mums, who obviously had theirs before 20.

I suspect it depends on area though. Ours is mainly middle class and most women have pursued careers first. In other areas 30+ would be considered quite aged. A professional contact once described me as an 'older mother' when I was pregnant at 35, which I thought was a bit much... Or perhaps DC1 had aged me so much I looked positively geriatric.

@MaryShelley1818

21 is a very young mum. Would be unheard of in my friends group as at that age, people are still studying/just qualifying and getting ready to start careers/start travelling. Most people probably haven't got married yet or bought their first homes so definitely not in the position to have babies yet.

It strikes me as odd that buying a house is seen a presequisite to having children. My DH is one of 6, his parents are in their 50s and they've only ever rented.

I had my eldest the week before I was 20, in 1979. I had my youngest when I was I was 29. My notes for that pregnancy were marked ‘elderly gravidarum’. Changed days.

Depends. I had mine mid teens so by your reckoning (and most people’s) I was a ‘young mum.’

However, I still think 21 is a young mum. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of but I hope my dd’s don’t go having children so young as I did. I wouldn’t change mine for all the world but I want my girls to have the experience of being young and having many options. If they want to go to uni and then take a big career and move to London to pursue their dreams. Or travel the world working, or try a career in football or go into theatre. These are all things people say ‘oh you could do that with a baby my cousin had a baby at 15 then went to oxbridge and did blah blah blah.’ But realistically for most younger mums these things aren’t possible.

Although I’ve coped and thrived as a young mum it takes away many of your choices. I had to go into low paid jobs because I didn’t have on call childcare and had no savings to support me, can’t get on the property ladder as easily etc. And most of the other young mums I knew didn’t have much money or family support so we all struggled one way or another.

Of course if you have your mum looking after the baby/a huge amount of savings then you could still go into further education and a good career but most people don’t have that. I’d advise my girls to have a sizeable savings if/before becoming mums because it certainly leaves you more vulnerable!

YABU

It's basic demographics, whether you like it or not. Average age for a first child is in your 30s, so 21 is de facto at the younger end of the age distribution.

And even in older times (medieval times), king and queens might have married and bred in their teens, but ordinary working people wouldn't get married till their mid 20s, they'd aim to work for a while first (including women) in order to get enough money to settle down.
So 21 would have been young back then too. It's only toffs who would marry their daughters in their late teens/early twenties.

It strikes me as odd that buying a house is seen a presequisite to having children. My DH is one of 6, his parents are in their 50s and they've only ever rented.

because it's often harder to buy when dc are on the scene.
Nothing wrong with renting in theory expect the lack of controls & reduced social housing make it nowadays often insecure & more expensive than owning.

@Gymrats

I just don’t see how people can have kids in their late 30s-40s, see you not really really tired?

I’m mid thirties now and don’t want a 3rd child based on the fact that I don’t want to start all over again, I don’t think I could hack it nowadays!

No, I'm not! Being 40 plus really isn't so exhausting

OP Based on the fact I was twice your age when I had dc I'd say you are a young mum and I'm an ancient one

My 21-year old is finishing uni, most likely will want to travel a bit and have some sort of career to be independent before even thinking about children. I daily read on MN about youngish women (30+) SAHM with no work experience or education who can’t leave their abusive husbands (but all ’amazing dads’) because they have no real way out. No thanks.

Why would you mourn a life without your child in your 20s when that’s all you’ve known?

I think having children earlier is better personally. Your younger, fitter and have youth on your side, not all 20’s are thick and some have more life experience than most due to a shit upbringing (you know, in the real world)

The pros are that whilst you didn’t spend loads of money and get drunk falling behind the bar in your twenties or travelling through Spain, you get to do it in your 40s, when you have lots more money than you would have had in your 20s, so you get to do more, you also have a career/job and an established home in your 40s, so all the big things are sorted.

Obviously there are cons too, no which way is perfect.

YABU - seems fairly unanimous, 7 pages in, as well.

13 - 19 yr olds would be teen Mums.
I think 20 - 26/27 is a young Mum.

Whether that is a negative thing or not is a different question, but factually having a baby at 21 or 21 makes you a young Mum without a doubt.

@dafey if you can buy before having kids, great. But I think it's OTT to postpone having children for a decade just so one can buy a house first.

@user5656555

To say... Young mum isn't negative. I get told I'm a young mum where I live. I take as a compliment

But as you can see from this thread, whilst I don't deny its accuracy, it's often sneered at, how many posts here have snide opinions and ill informed judgements alongside their so called factual stipulation. Hence why some younger mums can feel a bit defensive. I'm sure older mums would if it was pointed out to them they are "old mums".

Older mums get called geriatric by the bloody consultant and midwives! It is factual. Some people sneer at anything, just because they can. But to deny the fact that 21 is young is ridiculous. If you don't like the fact that you may be a young mum, wait till you're older, just the same as some women have children younger, as they don't want to be an old mum.

Yep, very young mum from my perspective.
But most of my friends had our children well into our 30s, so post university, several years of working, partying, getting on the property ladder, then marriage and kids. Very vanilla.

I got pregnant at 21 and had my first at 22yo. I didn't feel young at the time but do with hindsight. Especially now I have a 21yo daughter to compare my age against. My son is 23 so older than when I had him but I still feel very much in mum mode around them both.

It is now, but it wasn't then. My mum (60s) was married at 19, started her family at 21, 3 children & considered the norm amongst her peers. I have a daughter and have to admit I'd like her to leave it a little later like myself (early 30s) but would support her regardless.

It's a very young mum given the national average first time mum is now 30 I think.

The examples of a young mum you've given are teen mums. I do think whether you feel or consider someone is a young mum depends on a lot of factors; your family, social circle, colleagues etc

I think it is in this day and age ,I was born and in 1973 my parents were both 31,and already had my sister who was born when they were 29, they were considered quite old parents at the time ,most of my friends parents had children in their early to mid twenties,it's just a sign of the times 🤷

@CockSpadget perhaps your comprehension needs some work but I literally agreed it was young, that is factual, the snide opinions alongside about 21 "being a child" aren't, and are the reason some women feel negative connotations about being labelled young.

I'd class that as fairly young, however it is what it is, just a term.

21 is a young mum.