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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:

CallMeK · 13/01/2022 13:14

Yes that's young. Most young 20's are partying, traveling, possibly starting careers, dating, etc. Not settled down with babies.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/01/2022 13:16

Wow, 500 posts and no return visit from OP. Looks like a classic 'wind them up and harvest the most unreasonable sounding quotes for your oppositional article' exercise, does it not?

redandwhite1 · 13/01/2022 13:16

21 is 100% young, anyone who thinks being 21 isn't young needs a wake up call.... trying being 40 😂

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:16

[quote RussianSpy101]@sweetcheekweak we’ve got 1 DC in private school, one soon off to a special school and the 3rd will go to private. We don’t have to sacrifice anything to do this. Several holidays a year etc.
Just sold a mortgage free house for a much bigger one with a small mortgage.
We’re both 31 and had our first at 22.
We own a very successful, large construction business and have a few rental properties.
We will be mortgage free again by the time we’re 40.

Not done bad for following a less than ideal path.

Before you ask, no money for deposits from parents on either side, no inheritance and we live in the north where, yes, houses are cheaper.[/quote]
Another poster who doesn't seem to understand the concept of a majority

Well done for breaking those barriers and succeeding when the odds are somewhat stacked against you, I never claimed women and men like you don't exist

You don't however make up the majority

Also you don't know if you'd have achieved this wonderful life you have now faster if you hadn't had children.

For most women, having a child is the dead end they unfortunately deal with for the rest of their lives. You being different doesn't change that fact. Hence why other posters have said they wouldn't be happy for their daughter or sons to have children at 21. Most parents want what's best for their kids, being a young parent isn't that.

RussianSpy101 · 13/01/2022 13:17

@sweetcheekweak you’re actually right in the majority of what you say.
It’s nice to be in the minority though and I certainly don’t judge older mums who are struggling financially just because they made different choices to me.

redandwhite1 · 13/01/2022 13:17

@lottiegarbanzo

Wow, 500 posts and no return visit from OP. Looks like a classic 'wind them up and harvest the most unreasonable sounding quotes for your oppositional article' exercise, does it not?

I haven't read all the posts, too many, has she seriously not come back?!

Maybe she's embarrassed as she thought she was grown up 😂

RussianSpy101 · 13/01/2022 13:18

@sweetcheekweak you should’ve read my second post before responding. I clearly understand what majority means.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/01/2022 13:19

I was 21 when I had my DD, I consider myself to have been a young mum, it's not an insult

jezziej · 13/01/2022 13:20

Another miserable sod at it again. @sweetcheekweak

jezziej · 13/01/2022 13:24

For most women, having a child is the dead end they unfortunately deal with for the rest of their lives.

Imo harmful stuff. Again, why is gained? If I heard this I'd have never bothered doing a levels and going to uni.

No wonder they're failing with such awful people around telling them they've been 'knocked up' as you put it. Nice.

I'm also confused where your expertise stems from - all the financial resources are there for long parents. It's down to motivation and awareness of what they are.

There are many younger parents who go and do well, lots work in healthcare. Just say good for them and move on.

Lifeisnteasy · 13/01/2022 13:26

@sweetcheekweak crikey! Enough internet for you today I reckon!

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:33

@jezziej

For most women, having a child is the dead end they unfortunately deal with for the rest of their lives.

Imo harmful stuff. Again, why is gained? If I heard this I'd have never bothered doing a levels and going to uni.

No wonder they're failing with such awful people around telling them they've been 'knocked up' as you put it. Nice.

I'm also confused where your expertise stems from - all the financial resources are there for long parents. It's down to motivation and awareness of what they are.

There are many younger parents who go and do well, lots work in healthcare. Just say good for them and move on.

And it's great you did that

However you wouldn't need to have put more work in, compared to your counterparts who did that at the more appropriate stage of their lives, had you not had a baby young.

These are simple facts, I'm sorry you don't like them, or agree with them. But I can't do anything to make it not true that being a young mother isn't the best thing to do for the majority of women.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 13:34

@sweetcheekweak are you struggling to grasp what I'm trying to tell you? I wouldn't have been able to have kids if I didn't have them when I did. So it was not a poor decision and I don't need to justify it. God you're so bitter and wrong

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/01/2022 14:55

I was heading down a dark path when I got pregnant and it was what I needed to get my shit together. It probably wasn't ideal, but my life in my late teens was not the ideal life of the average teen in a nice family. I honestly believe that if I hadn't got pregnant when I did then I'd have ended up an alcoholic or in a lot of trouble. I was selfish and engaging in risky behaviour endangering myself.

Not trying to "justify" anything but not everyone has the nice middle class MN lifestyle and for me having DS gave me a kick up the backside that I needed.

JudgeJ · 13/01/2022 15:35

@HacerSonarSusPasos

Of course it's a young mum! Duh, your brain isn't even fully cooked until 25.

Don't be ridiculous, many under 25s have responsible, often dangerous, jobs and live normal adult lives. The problem is the parents who don't allow their children to grow up, the type who say 'my dear son/daughter has never been on a bus alone' when they're 14!

IamEarthymama · 13/01/2022 15:41

I had my first child at 20 years of age, second at 24.

This was in the 1970s and was completely normal.

I am really glad I had them early in my life as I have been able to spend time with them and my grandchildren.

Surely everyone does what is best for them.

OP I hope you are happy with your choice

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 13/01/2022 15:43

What’s ridiculous about @HacerSonarSusPasos’s post, @JudgeJ? Apart from the tone, obvs.

The poster is right about brain development. The frontal lobe, where decision-making (and therefore risk taking) happens, isn’t fully developed until around 25yrs old. That’s not to say that anyone under 25 is an irrational fool of course, but what the poster said is true.

Lou98 · 13/01/2022 16:12

@sweetcheekweak imagine living your life being so judgemental of others.
Your way isn't the only way - it doesn't mean others who have chose different paths have made "poor choices" just because they've chose differently from you.

There will be people earning minimum wage and having babies in their 30's/40's without a 'solid' partner, just as there will be people in their 20's earning high with a good relationship.

You just have to look at the majority (since you like that word so much) of threads on here to see people that have had babies in their 30's etc with men they've been with for 10+ years who are absolutely useless and they feel stuck.

You do what's best for you and leave others to do what's best for them - perhaps trying to be less judgemental in the process, you'll find you lead a much happier life

Piggyk2 · 13/01/2022 16:19

This has become more than it needs to be. 21 is young... and it is young to be a mother. I don't see it as a bad thing but it is what it is.

There's pros and cons to both...

RainbowBridge21 · 13/01/2022 16:28

Biologically no 21 is not young but socially yes it is young.

bluebellinthewood · 13/01/2022 16:48

I think it's more a generational thing to be honest. In the mid-60s my mum had 3 babies all before she was 23.
I consider that young now but that was the norm back then.I was no way ready at 21 I was still a partying young woman loving life. I had my first at 34 and next 35. Suppose it happens when it happens for everyone.

StoneofDestiny · 13/01/2022 16:58

Of course 21 is young.

UserError012345 · 13/01/2022 16:59

21 is young.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 17:10

@RainbowBridge21

Biologically no 21 is not young but socially yes it is young.

Maybe socially to you. But not everywhere. I am certainly well within the average age for mum's in DS1s year group.

steadders21 · 13/01/2022 17:25

Does it really bother you what others think? I'm an older mum and well it is what it is and I don't let labels bother me. Being older or younger doesn't mean you are a good or bad mother just a fact about your age. X

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