To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

[546321yeah]

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

09:50jezziej

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

I didn't/don't need decisions validated that's like saying older mothers need validation for having their babies in their 40. Or 30 somethings thinking they have it "just right" . Sneery comments really don't add anything to the thread Imo .

@546321yeah ONS data out today average age of mothers giving birth is 30.7 years - so yeah I'd say 20 is young - its 10 years below average! Its not a value judgement it is relative to the norm.
There are so many obvious societal reasons why women are having children later. But I think we should do more to educate young people of the health implications and longer term life implications. I'm pregnant now first time in late 30s and if I could turn the clock back I wish I'd got pregnant in my early twenties.

@FluffyBooBoo

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions

I don't need to justify my decisions. Before I had my daughter I had studied, travelled and worked. Now they are adults, I have enough freedom and years on my side to fully enjoy life with no responsibilities.

I have two friends that had their children older, late 30s. They are still doing packed lunches and school runs and can only go away during school holidays etc. Both would have had their families younger if they had the choice, and neither did anything during their childfree years that was in any way superior to what I was doing.

I wonder if people that think the above statement is true, are those that need to validated their decision to have children later?

I think that there are so many variables involved in having a family, that it's really not for anyone else to say that they are wrong or right in their timing.

The average age of a first time mum in the UK is 30. As that’s the most common age first timers, all the support is geared up for them, and so they don’t need validation. They find it automatically. It will be women who are younger and older who need validation and support and people to talk through their decisions with - it’s one of the reasons why it’s children of Mums under 21 are considered more vulnerable. Because their mums are so young they are more likely to go to other young first time mums for advice and because risk taking behaviours are more common in younger parents are also more likely to take on bad advice than older mums. Conversely children from first time Mums over 44 are least likely to have these issues because they get the most support from professionals.

It's the ones who pretend it better to have them at 21, or 45 that are the ones trying to validate their own choices, that smacks of insecurity about their decisions. No one with half a brain cell would honestly claim it's better to get pregnant at 20 than when you're more established in life, let alone a career or a solid relationship etc.

I find the ‘solid relationship’ argument odd. The couples I know that rush into having children (ie pregnant within a year) are the ones who met later in life - they haven’t the time to spare so have to crack on. The ones I know who spent longer getting to know each other before having children are younger, because they had the time to do it.

Yes I think according to current norms it is young.
My children are 24 and 27 and the 27 year old is the only one of her friends who is married and neither child has any friends who are parents.
Are you bothered by people saying you're a young mother? No one's business, don't worry about it.

21 is ridiculously young to have a baby. As is anything younger.

Each to their own though.

It is young. I had two by 21 and definitely felt like a young mum.

@Fraternaltwin

21 is ridiculously young to have a baby. As is anything younger.

Each to their own though.

41 is ridiculously old, also.

@Ozanj I don't think any woman should need validation for their decision (whether it was planned or not) to have children at whatever age. But I think that all new mothers need support, in varying qualities and for various reasons.

Obviously there are some mothers that will be more vulnerable and will need more support - and some of that will be down to age, but some of it will be down to other factors like physical, emotional or mental health.

@Lifeisnteasy, but surely in late 30s you're much better equipped to chose a decent partner, having had so much time to find out who you are, what type of person in right for you, what you xan and can't deal with, etc. Presumably you have lots of dating experience under your belt and are able to make better informed decisions under time pressure.

A 2 year relationship that starts when you're 18 is not the same as a same length one that starts when you're 35.

And if you start having babies at 20-21, unless you started dating very early, you can't have known your partner for that long. Plus, close to 0% of the relationship will have been spent out in the real adult world of jobs/bills/responsibilities, as opposed to teenage fantasy land.

@Fraternaltwin

21 is ridiculously young to have a baby. As is anything younger.

Each to their own though.

Ridiculously? Don't be daft.

I think its very young and that's coming from someone who was 21 having her first and had my second at 22. I was very capable of raising my two children but looking back I was definitely a young mother. I'm currently pregnant with my third, now early 30s and I do feel more mature and prepared this time round.

@Gymrats

I just don’t see how people can have kids in their late 30s-40s, see you not really really tired?

I’m mid thirties now and don’t want a 3rd child based on the fact that I don’t want to start all over again, I don’t think I could hack it nowadays!

I had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@Lifeisnteasy, but surely in late 30s you're much better equipped to chose a decent partner, having had so much time to find out who you are, what type of person in right for you, what you xan and can't deal with, etc. Presumably you have lots of dating experience under your belt and are able to make better informed decisions under time pressure.

A 2 year relationship that starts when you're 18 is not the same as a same length one that starts when you're 35.

And if you start having babies at 20-21, unless you started dating very early, you can't have known your partner for that long. Plus, close to 0% of the relationship will have been spent out in the real adult world of jobs/bills/responsibilities, as opposed to teenage fantasy land.[/quote]
You might be better equipped, but that doesn’t translate into a better choice - frankly pickings are much slimmer in late 30s/40s, and if you’ve got less time to get to know somebody then you feel that pressure to make it work as you’re in the last chance saloon.

had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

No it isn't "crumbling" but being menopausal with a 10 year old can't be a walk in the park ?

£had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

No it isn't "crumbling" but being menopausal with a 10 year old can't be a walk in the park ?*

Excuse my rude comments but you can see how round and round it goes.

@Mrsjayy

had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

No it isn't "crumbling" but being menopausal with a 10 year old can't be a walk in the park ?

It's called a perfect storm...teens/menopause....I can definitely attest to it being true.

Very hard.

@jesuistot

This. How would some commenters feel if this was about ‘older mums’ or ‘having kids in your 40s’ being bad or disappointing.

Oh, there are plenty of those threads. The horror of being the oldest mum at the school gate seems to send chills through some people.

@Mrsjayy

had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

No it isn't "crumbling" but being menopausal with a 10 year old can't be a walk in the park ?

Better than being menopausal with a teenager.

@Mrsjayy

had my one and only at 40. I'm hardly crumbling.

No it isn't "crumbling" but being menopausal with a 10 year old can't be a walk in the park ?

I’m 48 with a 5 year old. I suppose I must be menopausal, can’t say I feel much different to how I did in my twenties as far as my ability to care for him is concerned. I remember feeling pretty exhausted then just doing my job, think a kid on top of that would have been hard. Now my job is easier as I have lots of experience and seniority so much easier to combine with being a Mum.

I'm peri at the mo, ds is 6yo and on the whole, a very easy child. I think I timed it perfectly tbh.

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@sweetcheekweak I wasn't out of school I'd been working full time for nearly 6 years when I had my 1st.

What point are you trying to get at? [/quote]
The fact you'd left school young is even more proof having a child young wasn't an ideal situation for you

I am very tired as a 40 year old with two under 5s. However, I am earning much more than I was at 21 so I do have the ability to outsource things which does help

Fwiw I wasn't having an intentional dig at older mums I was trying to point out how ridiculous these "debates" are.

I would say that 21 is most definitely a young mum. That doesn't imply judgement.