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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:
RedHot22 · 13/01/2022 09:47

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

OR:
The only people who think having children when older is great are those who had children when older, and they do that to validate their decisions.

The truth is. Either is fine.

AppleButterfly · 13/01/2022 09:48

In my mind it's about the normal age to become a mother. Around when my mother had me and I had my first. I hope my children have babies around that age, so I can enjoy my grandchildren and perhaps great grandchildren. But the average age go become a mother these days is 30 so I suppose its young. But I don't really consider it young.

PunchyMojitos · 13/01/2022 09:48

I had my one (and likely, only) at 22. I definitely felt like a young mum. I mean, 21 is young and it's young to have a baby, but it doesn't mean it's wrong. I wasn't mentally prepared at all and certainly not in the right relationship. I did the best I could, but personally, I would have been a better first time mum in my 30's. I feel so much more self assured and confident now.

Everyone's different though.

jezziej · 13/01/2022 09:50

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

Let's bash "old" mums next.

Anyway, nobody invited comment on their life choices. Those who insist young parents lives suck are strange, and I'm in inclined to think they're not entirely happy with having children later.

Could very easily substitute young for old, then you'd probably throw a fit.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:51

@RedHot22

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

OR:
The only people who think having children when older is great are those who had children when older, and they do that to validate their decisions.

The truth is. Either is fine.

There is a middle ground

The other extreme often do the same.

It's just you always see younger parents justifying on these threads and it smacks of trying to validate a decision.

Those who said 'well I didn't want to travel anyway' - the issue is the option has been removed

Those who say 'some people don't want a career' - same as the above.

But at least they'll be a young grandparent Grin such a benefit Wink

jesuistot · 13/01/2022 09:51

@RedHot22

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

OR:
The only people who think having children when older is great are those who had children when older, and they do that to validate their decisions.

The truth is. Either is fine.

This. How would some commenters feel if this was about ‘older mums’ or ‘having kids in your 40s’ being bad or disappointing.
Couchpotato3 · 13/01/2022 09:52

This is a huge generalisation, but people seem to make comments about mothers whatever their age and circumstances. Being pregnant or in the company of a small child seems to give people a free pass to comment. Most of the time it's done with kindly intent but people can be very judgemental. Also these comments can 'press our buttons' if we're feeling a bit sensitive. It's hard to ignore, but try not to let silly comments from people who know nothing about you get you down!

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:55

@jezziej

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions.

Let's bash "old" mums next.

Anyway, nobody invited comment on their life choices. Those who insist young parents lives suck are strange, and I'm in inclined to think they're not entirely happy with having children later.

Could very easily substitute young for old, then you'd probably throw a fit.

Then you'd be wrong

I also feel the same towards the much older parents who also bend over backwards to justify why it's the best thing ever to have kids at 47.

Instead of being honest and saying 'they had other priorities and wanted to wait, understand the risks'

It's the ones who pretend it better to have them at 21, or 45 that are the ones trying to validate their own choices, that smacks of insecurity about their decisions.

No one with half a brain cell would honestly claim it's better to get pregnant at 20 than when you're more established in life, let alone a career or a solid relationship etc.

Classicblunder · 13/01/2022 09:55

I can see a lot of benefits to having children young - but the bit I don't really get is how you can afford to? My DH and I both have good salaries now in our late 30s but when we were in our early 20s we couldn't have afforded to pay for childcare and our parents were still working.

jesuistot · 13/01/2022 09:56

@sweetcheekweak surely just a normal response to seeing criticism on these discussions, if a poster sees someone posting why having a baby at 25 or 45 is such a bad thing then it’s natural to respond with your own positive experience. Plenty of people have children in their 20s and are very happy and fulfilled and pleased they didn’t wait until later on. And vice versa.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 09:57

@Classicblunder

I can see a lot of benefits to having children young - but the bit I don't really get is how you can afford to? My DH and I both have good salaries now in our late 30s but when we were in our early 20s we couldn't have afforded to pay for childcare and our parents were still working.
My DP worked evenings and weekends and then he just worked nights at weekends as the money was better. I worked Mon to Fri office hours
Classicblunder · 13/01/2022 09:57

I had my kids late - 36 and 38. Not by choice, we had a lot of fertility issues I really wanted to have children at more like 30 and 32 and I still sometimes feel sad that that didn't happen because I do think for me that would have been the sweet spot in terms of finances and energy levels but there we are.

Classicblunder · 13/01/2022 09:58

My DP worked evenings and weekends and then he just worked nights at weekends as the money was better. I worked Mon to Fri office hours

Makes sense but must have been hard not spending much time together

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:59

[quote jesuistot]@sweetcheekweak surely just a normal response to seeing criticism on these discussions, if a poster sees someone posting why having a baby at 25 or 45 is such a bad thing then it’s natural to respond with your own positive experience. Plenty of people have children in their 20s and are very happy and fulfilled and pleased they didn’t wait until later on. And vice versa.[/quote]
They are justifying it to themselves and others

It's natural, but still what's happening

Anyone who genuinely thinks it's better to have children just out of school is loco

jezziej · 13/01/2022 10:00

@sweetcheekweak
So you're just judgemental towards everyone? If someone implies your a disappointment to your parents, I think you'd try and defend yourself, as posters have done

Most young mothers don't go around bleating about how happy they are. They get on with their lives. But it does seem some posters are dead set on insisting young parents are missing out, can't possible be educated etc.

Why? I think we know.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 10:00

@sweetcheekweak if I didn't have my kids in my early 20s I'd not have been able to cope having kids. So I stand by 100% having my kids at 21 and 23 was the best thing I have done. I don't give a shiney shite about a career as long as we have enough money to keep a roof over our head and do the things we want to do. I have managed quite well in my job despite my disability. My DP part owns his own business now. Having kids hasn't stopped us doing anything. My arthritis on the other hand...

jezziej · 13/01/2022 10:02

Anyone who genuinely thinks it's better to have children just out of school is loco

Nobody said "better". Is this a competition to you?

Do you need to prove how happy and mature you are? It really shines through.

Emerald5hamrock · 13/01/2022 10:02

It's not an old DM or average.
21 is a young DM.
16/17 is a very young DM.

Toothsil · 13/01/2022 10:04

Definitely young to me. I still had a year to go at university at 21 and had my daughter at 34.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 10:05

@sweetcheekweak I wasn't out of school I'd been working full time for nearly 6 years when I had my 1st.

What point are you trying to get at?

PinkSpring · 13/01/2022 10:06

It's very young in my opinion. I had mine at 29 and 32 and I was one of the youngest in my baby groups.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 10:07

@Classicblunder

My DP worked evenings and weekends and then he just worked nights at weekends as the money was better. I worked Mon to Fri office hours

Makes sense but must have been hard not spending much time together

It was at the time, but I suppose skinning yourself trying to make ends meet with childcare costs isn't much fun either? We now own our own home, I WFH and DP part owns his own business. I'd not do a single thing differently
FluffyBooBoo · 13/01/2022 10:12

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions

I don't need to justify my decisions. Before I had my daughter I had studied, travelled and worked. Now they are adults, I have enough freedom and years on my side to fully enjoy life with no responsibilities.

I have two friends that had their children older, late 30s. They are still doing packed lunches and school runs and can only go away during school holidays etc. Both would have had their families younger if they had the choice, and neither did anything during their childfree years that was in any way superior to what I was doing.

I wonder if people that think the above statement is true, are those that need to validated their decision to have children later?

I think that there are so many variables involved in having a family, that it's really not for anyone else to say that they are wrong or right in their timing.

CharSiu · 13/01/2022 10:16

The mean average age of a first time Mother in the UK is now 30 years and 7 months. The biggest indicator of age of a first time Mother of giving birth is socio economic status. Obviously there are always outliers before someone jumps in with I’m CEO of a global company and had triplets at 21. This is from the ONS who have many stats on childbirth which is actually easy to measure as all births have to be registered by law.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 10:18

@FluffyBooBoo

The only people who think having children young is great are those who had children young, and they do that to validate their decisions

I don't need to justify my decisions. Before I had my daughter I had studied, travelled and worked. Now they are adults, I have enough freedom and years on my side to fully enjoy life with no responsibilities.

I have two friends that had their children older, late 30s. They are still doing packed lunches and school runs and can only go away during school holidays etc. Both would have had their families younger if they had the choice, and neither did anything during their childfree years that was in any way superior to what I was doing.

I wonder if people that think the above statement is true, are those that need to validated their decision to have children later?

I think that there are so many variables involved in having a family, that it's really not for anyone else to say that they are wrong or right in their timing.

I find the same. Very few of my friends did anything when we had our kids young. We missed out on a few local nights out. No one travelled the world. Now we have more disposable income and our kids are 10 and 8. We enjoy doing things altogether as a family.