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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think age 21 is not a 'young mum'?

665 replies

546321yeah · 12/01/2022 20:40

I fell pregnant with my daughter at 20, had her at 21. I am now referred to by a lot of people as a 'young mum'. I don't feel like 21 to have a child is young at all and 10 years on, I've gotten on with my life very well, just the same as I would have without having my child.

AIBU to think a young mum is someone about 15, 16, 17? Anything above that is normal age to have children?

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 12/01/2022 23:26

40 years ago a mum aged 21 was said to be an older mum

Where did you live? 40 years ago I was 21 exactly. Apart from a schoolfriend who got pregnant at 17 whilst still going to school (my god, how the teachers went to town about that!) I didn't know anyone who got pregnant at 21 or younger. And if they had, eyebrows would have been raised. So to think so many were getting pregnant in their teens that it made a 21yo an older mum, makes me really curious about where you lived?

dafey · 12/01/2022 23:27

@user1471505494 what are you struggling to understand?

The average age of a FTM in the 1980s was 25 so how can 21 be considered old?

Just because someone in antenatal class referred to you as old doesn't mean you can extrapolate that to wider society 😆

Mummadeze · 12/01/2022 23:28

Very young in my mind

lisaandalan · 12/01/2022 23:29

I'd say it's young. X

dafey · 12/01/2022 23:30

40 years ago a mum aged 21 was said to be an older mum

what that poster meant to say was 40 years ago I was told I was an older mum...

Xmasbaby11 · 12/01/2022 23:30

21 is definitely a young mum in the UK.

I'm 45 and can only think of one person I know who had a baby before the age of 25. Most were 28 to 35, lots older than that. Even friends who coupled up in their early twenties waited before having kids around 30.

Didioverstep · 12/01/2022 23:31

It is. I had all my 4 by the time I was 27. I am married, have a family business. Bit it has always been considered young. I'm turning 30 tomorrow. My eldest is nearly 9. Most of my friends from school haven't had any children yet. So it's young. Under 20 is a teen mum

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 12/01/2022 23:41

@GiantHaystacks2021

It is too young.
Maybe for you. But it isn't too young in general.
DdraigGoch · 12/01/2022 23:42

These days 21 is relatively young. But there's nothing inherently wrong with being young. It's certainly well clear of "young primigravida" (pregnant at 15 or under).

Redsquirrel5 · 12/01/2022 23:45

I agree with you. I had DS1 at 20. Where I was living a lot of the women at ante- natal were in the 30’s and 40’s but I had travelled a lot and had been expected to be responsible and helped with siblings from about 9 likewise cousins. I had also been living and working in another country from 19. Then we moved to the north of Scotland and I went to ante - natal just before I had him and I felt like one of the older mums😂 lots of young mums around sixteen. Some still had their hair in plaits. I was a bit lonely at first but later on enjoyed living in that village and the mums were great and all different ages. A lot of us had husbands working away from home and we supported each other when things got tough. We also went to lots of activities sharing transport etc.

I think it depends on who you are as a person and can relate to where you live and how you were brought up. Later I worked in a Primary School and one of the mums there was very young but the best mum in that class. Her girls were an absolute credit to her. They read the best in the class, were great at acting, always clean and tidy. Always had everything they needed for school and homework done. They had lovely manners and lots of friends. She told me once she was just 15 when she had DD1, dad was young too and they married when she was 16 and had another one when she was 17. She said she did feel she had to prove she could manage. I told her they were a credit to her and she was quite proud.
I also knew a lady who had a surprise when she was in her late forties. They had given up and then this beautiful son arrived. He certainly changed their lives. He was very energetic and wore her out sometimes.
He came up to me in church on Christmas Eve and wished me a Merry Christmas now an adult and doing well.

kirinm · 12/01/2022 23:45

I had my DS when I was 18. I was definitely a very young mum - very much a kid actually. I'd still say 21 is young but not quite the same as 18 or so.

phoenixrosehere · 12/01/2022 23:45

Good to have young if you're relying on grandparents for childcare.

My parents are in their late 50s now and still working like many other people their age. Both are working extra hours due to staff shortages. My mother was still working two jobs while I was in uni.

Saying that, they were asking me when I was having children at 21 and continued to ask for years even having a conversation at 24 (with very little thought to when I, myself, wanted them) about how they would help me take care of it and turn a room into a nursery in their home. Their reasonings were that they had me at 23 and all their friends at the time had grandchildren which was pretty shi**y reasoning imo. I had my first at 28 after being married for a few years, a house, and a stable career because that was what was more important to me before having a child.

Tangofandango · 13/01/2022 00:10

In 1977 I had my first baby at 23. A friend I worked with was due with her first at the same time as me. She had to have more ante natal appointments than I did as she was what was then known as an “elderly” mother so needed to be kept an eye on. She was 30.

PattyPan · 13/01/2022 00:13

It is young, only 3 years since leaving school which doesn’t give much time for other life experiences before becoming a parent. Or much time to establish a career.

OliviaBond · 13/01/2022 00:14

I had my first at 21 and didn't feel too young at all. Now I'm 41, I look back think oh I started my family quite young.

Flickflak · 13/01/2022 00:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Saradegrey · 13/01/2022 00:28

21 sounds a perfect age to have a baby. I wish I had done it. Your whole life ahead, fitness, vitality and optimism!
My Mum was married to Dad and 21 when she had me - now we are two old ladies together - I'm so grateful I still have her and that she had me young.

madisonbridges · 13/01/2022 00:34

@Saradegrey

21 sounds a perfect age to have a baby. I wish I had done it. Your whole life ahead, fitness, vitality and optimism! My Mum was married to Dad and 21 when she had me - now we are two old ladies together - I'm so grateful I still have her and that she had me young.
I identify with this. My mum married at 19. Had my sister at 20 and me at 24. I had my dad in late 50s and I still have my mum in my 60s. So lucky to have her around - albeit some days I might not think it!

But she always wished she hadn't had us so young. She loved working and she loved her social life. In those days mothers stayed home and although people came round, she felt that her freedom had been taken away too soon. She certainly encouraged us both to go and live our lives ...and not get pregnant!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/01/2022 00:53

@PattyPan

It is young, only 3 years since leaving school which doesn’t give much time for other life experiences before becoming a parent. Or much time to establish a career.
I'd been working full time for over 5 years
PattyPan · 13/01/2022 00:56

@AllThingsServeTheBeam presumably that was a while ago though before the school leaving age was raised to 18?

RedCandyApple · 13/01/2022 01:08

I had my dd at 22, I never considered myself to be a young mum personally as to me a young mum is a teenage mum. I was one of the older ones out of the people I know! (My sister had her son at 16)

Phrenologistsfinger · 13/01/2022 01:13

YABU - 21 is very young! Most people I know didn't ttc until mid-late 30s. At 21 I was still barely a child myself.

DuckPuddledJemima · 13/01/2022 01:29

It was frowned upon when I had mine. Sadly it was mainly older mums who looked down on me. I got married at 18 to a soldier I'd known for 3 months Grin had my kids at 19 20 21 and 25

People sniggered, made mean comments and judged all the time. Our eldest has just been accepted to 5 universities and we are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.
The judgements bothered me then. Thankfully my skin is thicker now. To each their own.

rocky1914 · 13/01/2022 01:36

It is young but having had my DD at 28, I would give anything to have had her around the age of 21 (before 25)

Barbarantia · 13/01/2022 01:42

Statistically, women can potentially bear children from ages 10 — 55.
Splitting that age range in three would make
10 - 25 young, 25 - 40 middle aged and 40 - 55 older child bearers.
Bearing children in the extreme age ranges especially the 10 - 15 age range can be... Problematic... The older extreme, 50 — 55 might need a bit of extra monitoring but as always with pregnancy, every one is different...

But yeah 20-25 is the older side of young but still quite a young age for child bearing in the grand scheme of things. You've got potentially another 390 periods to go before your body calls time on the hardwork.