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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not agree with parents who still don't take Covid seriously enough

328 replies

HipsterMum · 11/01/2022 21:27

Alright here it goes another Covid related post. My husband and I lost 3 relatives due to Covid so we take it quite seriously. We have 2 kids and at the very start of pandemic we made a decision to have them stay at home with us and not in nurseries for a good year but obviously since our oldest has started school that was no longer possible. We both however still work from home.
We do socialize with people but take all the precautions we can (vaccinated/ meet outdoors with others/ masks at all times even outside / ldfs). I do however struggle to understand how even after all this time people do not follow those simple instructions (both vaccinated and unvaccinated).

So a recent incident that changed my relationship with another mum from my sons class (we were really friendly before). Lets call her Mandy. She is not Mandy 🙂Nothing against Mandys though. Anyway... So I was told that she had tested positive for covid 8 days ago over holiday period by her ex partner who dropped off her son. He told me that they've not had much contact with her since then so were not certain if she was feeling better and was gonna do a pick up (they take it in turns). I was invited with my youngest and my son for a cup of tea at hers after school by this other mum whose son my kid is also friends with. As I mentioned earlier we really try to take any precautions we can and I only said yes assuming it was just going to be for an hour or so and just us. I also only just gotten my booster jab a day earlier so really it wouldn't have had any effect yet in terms of giving me protection. So long story short at the pick up I see Mandy from the distance not wearing a mask and just chatting away with everyone. She mentions that its been 8 days now since first symptoms and that she didn't have it too bad just like a simple cold. Anyways.. we get going and happened to all be going together in the same direction. Kids being annoying little kids start saying that they were going to each others houses ... Mandys boy has a fit saying ' I want to go to his house too right now can we, can we '. And really in a very childish way Mandy goes 'aw darling you see you weren't invited this time'. I mean needless to say her boy starts being hysterical instantly . (What parent says things like that????) My other mum friend then goes ' well you can of course come too if you want' and then asks me if I wouldn't mind of course. I hate being put in this position but I had to be honest. I said that I ' ve only just gotten my booster jab and considering that its not been full 10 days since she had tested positive I don't think it would be wise. I apologised and said not to take it personally. I felt horrible that very instance. Her kid started crying , she was giving me really awful looks, my kid kept on asking me if we were going or not, my other friend felt awkward.

Guys I am honestly not a paranoid person but we all have different situations. I would have never thought of going out for the first time ( well 8 days after) and straight to other peoples houses without a mask. I mean how can you be certain if you are not contagious still?? We are having old friends coming over from Italy for a few days and my friend is 6 months pregnant. They are isolating before and asked us to be careful too. I cannot put her at risk . And regardless we all have our situations and sometimes as a result of Covid we just can't meet up with the same amount of people that we want. Needless to say that Mandy got very offended with me. Said I made a big deal over nothing because she was probably no longer contagious. That I made her son really upset. Ignores me during pick ups and drop offs. I feel so guilty although I was just being honest.

OP posts:
Grida · 12/01/2022 11:11

Considering all the children are at school together, it seems completely pointless to worry about this.

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 11:20

@Quartz2208

But that isnt what your original thread is.

The title is to not agree with parents who still dont take Covid seriously. And nowhere in this does it seem Mandy didnt take it seriously (give you only saw her on day 8 not refusing to isolate at all). So yes in that sense YABU. There is nothing to say she didnt follow the guidelines. You are perfectly entitled to say to her you were not comfortable but not to judge her on that.

Is she being unreasonable to blame her son being upset on you. Of course she is - the fact that her son cried and your assertion that it happens a lot probably means she doesnt like to handle it by being firm and the fact that she left that to you is wrong.

I suspect actually that this isnt a COVID problem as such either. And if you took that out I think far more would be on your side.

Again I did not judge her ways. Even before being sick she openly told me she didn't take Covid seriously. She still doesn't because as she said ' she was barely sick and it was just like a cold' . It was just her day to pick up her son from school thats why we saw her. Before that it was her ex husband's turns. The thread has turned into a discussion about me coming across as paranoid and completely nuts. We are all different on this planet which is what makes it beautiful. I am not concerned if she thinks I take covid too seriously because I do take it seriously. It doesn't make me overly anxious nor paranoid and doesn't disturb my life or my kids lives. COVID however does.
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2022 11:35

How can you possibly express yourself well enough in your original post online if I couldn't even do so in person with Mandy being as polite and gentle as possible.

I am not sure what you mean by this. I am trying to say I think you are merging the Covid issue into one that is actually about different parenting styles not about different approaches to Covid.

If you take Covid out of it and put it in the context that rather than handle her son crying she looked to you to acquiesce to it (and even outside of Covid turning a 2 child playdate into 3 makes things far more complicated) rather than be able to say no. I am not sure given what you say that you would have been happy in normal circumstances because it would have changed the dynamic. And here of course you arent been.

Making it about Covid muddies waters that dont need muddying. As far as I can tell on that front she actually hasnt done anything wrong.

She is angry not because of your Covid approach but because you didnt immediately say yes when her son cried - therefore leaving her to parent. She now finds it easier to blame you then have to face up to the fact she didnt want to deal with it.

AliveAndSleeping · 12/01/2022 11:54

Op is getting a lot of unfair criticism because COVID restrictions are such a sensitive topic. Op wasn't comfortable with the situation and politely (I assume) said so. What's wrong with that? My DD gets left out or doesn't get invited to lots of things and yes, it's always heartbreaking to see her disappointment and I viscerally feel her rejection but it's just one of the things you have to learn to deal with in childhood. I would have just told DD (if I was Mandy) "we are not going but if you would like to play with X and y we can invite them to ours some day."

I also agree with the poster above who said that turning a 2 child play date to a three child one is usually problematic and a recipe for tears. If op hadn't been comfortable with that would pp have teared into her like this?

Everyone has got their own comfort level when it comes to COVID. I don't trust the government so I'm more cautious than the rules call for (eg never stopped wearing masks while shopping though I think that rule has come back now anyway) but I try not to let it affect my or my kids' life too much. But that's me. I totally respect what others do (or don't). With friends as we long as we state honestly what we are comfortable with it shouldn't be a big problem.

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 12:11

@Quartz2208

How can you possibly express yourself well enough in your original post online if I couldn't even do so in person with Mandy being as polite and gentle as possible.

I am not sure what you mean by this. I am trying to say I think you are merging the Covid issue into one that is actually about different parenting styles not about different approaches to Covid.

If you take Covid out of it and put it in the context that rather than handle her son crying she looked to you to acquiesce to it (and even outside of Covid turning a 2 child playdate into 3 makes things far more complicated) rather than be able to say no. I am not sure given what you say that you would have been happy in normal circumstances because it would have changed the dynamic. And here of course you arent been.

Making it about Covid muddies waters that dont need muddying. As far as I can tell on that front she actually hasnt done anything wrong.

She is angry not because of your Covid approach but because you didnt immediately say yes when her son cried - therefore leaving her to parent. She now finds it easier to blame you then have to face up to the fact she didnt want to deal with it.

Out of Covid dynamics I would have had 0 problem with anything. It wasn't even a 2 kids playdate I did inform the mum that would have to bring my 1 year old along too and there was another older sibling in a different room so 4 children. I was of course busy with regular things like stopping my youngest from breaking expensive things inside the flat. I wasn't prepared on top of it to be worried about covid in that particular instance when I just wanted to have a quick 1 hour chat with someone and go back home. Is it so wrong to be honest and not to want to put yourself in situations that would make you anxious?
OP posts:
HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 12:20

@AliveAndSleeping

Op is getting a lot of unfair criticism because COVID restrictions are such a sensitive topic. Op wasn't comfortable with the situation and politely (I assume) said so. What's wrong with that? My DD gets left out or doesn't get invited to lots of things and yes, it's always heartbreaking to see her disappointment and I viscerally feel her rejection but it's just one of the things you have to learn to deal with in childhood. I would have just told DD (if I was Mandy) "we are not going but if you would like to play with X and y we can invite them to ours some day."

I also agree with the poster above who said that turning a 2 child play date to a three child one is usually problematic and a recipe for tears. If op hadn't been comfortable with that would pp have teared into her like this?

Everyone has got their own comfort level when it comes to COVID. I don't trust the government so I'm more cautious than the rules call for (eg never stopped wearing masks while shopping though I think that rule has come back now anyway) but I try not to let it affect my or my kids' life too much. But that's me. I totally respect what others do (or don't). With friends as we long as we state honestly what we are comfortable with it shouldn't be a big problem.

Thank you!
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2022 12:25

@HipsterMum you are missing the point I am trying to make. Of course you were perfectly within your right to be honest (as long as it was polite and didnt cross a line where you indicated that you were unsure as to whether she was following the rules which you have been unclear on) that is within your rights.

Just like they were both at fault for making it on your rather than take responsibility for it themselves. Which as I have said more than once I think is the issue with this. It would not have mattered what you said.

Where you have consistently been unreasonable is about making this about Covid rules not been followed, people not taking it seriously and somehow it still going on because of it. Which simply isnt the case.

I am trying to help you by saying that a lot of the criticism is because you framed it as such - which not only causes debate but also as I have said is a smokescreen for the fact that she didnt like the fact you said no.

You aren't going to win with her OP not matter how much you try. You simply now need to smile and file it again and move on. Because I suspect you have quite a few school gate years ahead of you

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 12:43

[quote Quartz2208]@HipsterMum you are missing the point I am trying to make. Of course you were perfectly within your right to be honest (as long as it was polite and didnt cross a line where you indicated that you were unsure as to whether she was following the rules which you have been unclear on) that is within your rights.

Just like they were both at fault for making it on your rather than take responsibility for it themselves. Which as I have said more than once I think is the issue with this. It would not have mattered what you said.

Where you have consistently been unreasonable is about making this about Covid rules not been followed, people not taking it seriously and somehow it still going on because of it. Which simply isnt the case.

I am trying to help you by saying that a lot of the criticism is because you framed it as such - which not only causes debate but also as I have said is a smokescreen for the fact that she didnt like the fact you said no.

You aren't going to win with her OP not matter how much you try. You simply now need to smile and file it again and move on. Because I suspect you have quite a few school gate years ahead of you[/quote]
But I am not trying to win anything with her. I just smile and say hello. She rolls her eyes or simply turns away. The reason the thread was named as it was is because Mandy had on multiple occasions repeated 'that she doesn't take Covid seriously' and her way of reinsurance was 'I am probably no longer contagious anyway'. Where I live Covid guidance only literally just changed 5 days ago. Before that the guidance said you can still be contagious for up to 10 full days counting from the day you first had your symptoms. It is yes now allowed to leave isolation on day 7 or 8 with 2 negative ldfs but still very strongly recommended not to mix indoors with other households, work from home and avoid poorly ventilated places untill its been full 10 days. It was Mandy's day 8 and she invited herself over to other person house which is completely fine if this person was ok with that. I politely explained that I wouldn't feel too comfortable considering my personal situation and would prefer to meet another time instead . I made no big deal about the situation was only honest that I wouldn't be comfortable.

OP posts:
HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 12:51

Most of the criticism here is about me making up my own rules and being paranoid about Covid, transferring my anxiety onto my kids and the most horrible thing for any British person.......coming across as rude. It is in fact in the official guidance that after 2 negative lfds yes you are allowed to leave isolation but still strongly encouraged to wait for 10 full days after the first symptomatic day before mixing with other households indoors in poorly ventilated spaces. Not much to add here I guess we all read the same guidance in different ways.

OP posts:
SheikhMaraca · 12/01/2022 13:01

Wow, I hope this is a reverse!

YABRidiculous to be this paranoid, and you’re doing your DC a huge disservice to be passing this level of hysteria onto them. You’re setting them up for a lifetime of being unable to accurately risk assess situations.

Am I reading this right, that you tried to tell another mum who she could invite to her own home? If so, I’m absolutely gobsmacked. If you weren’t comfortable with people following the actual rules, then you should have been the one to pull out.

You seem to have made up a whole new rule that people should have a PCR to ‘confirm their negative status’ and then are getting all antsy that others aren’t following your non-rule, surely you can see that this isn’t ok?

I’m honestly so shocked that you think your approach to this is anything other that utterly batshit.

BlueSky8 · 12/01/2022 13:05

It is in fact in the official guidance that after 2 negative lfds yes you are allowed to leave isolation but still strongly encouraged to wait for 10 full days

Encouraged being the important rule here.
It's not a rule. It's guidance to deal with how you see fit

BlueSky8 · 12/01/2022 13:06

@BlueSky8

It is in fact in the official guidance that after 2 negative lfds yes you are allowed to leave isolation but still strongly encouraged to wait for 10 full days

Encouraged being the important rule here.
It's not a rule. It's guidance to deal with how you see fit

Word not rule
Sceptre86 · 12/01/2022 13:06

I would have bowed out myself and mentioned the pregnant friend and precautions you are taking.

BrotherHelp · 12/01/2022 13:10

Even though people are let out after 7 days if negative LFT they’re still told to isolate/be carefully if they can until 10 days. It’s just to not cripple the work force numbers.

I would have done the same as you. Some people who haven’t been affected by covid will see it very differently. Just like someone affected by cancer/a road traffic incident/dog attack etc. I think your were polite saying you would no longer go not asking that Mandy wouldn’t

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 13:11

@SheikhMaraca

Wow, I hope this is a reverse!

YABRidiculous to be this paranoid, and you’re doing your DC a huge disservice to be passing this level of hysteria onto them. You’re setting them up for a lifetime of being unable to accurately risk assess situations.

Am I reading this right, that you tried to tell another mum who she could invite to her own home? If so, I’m absolutely gobsmacked. If you weren’t comfortable with people following the actual rules, then you should have been the one to pull out.

You seem to have made up a whole new rule that people should have a PCR to ‘confirm their negative status’ and then are getting all antsy that others aren’t following your non-rule, surely you can see that this isn’t ok?

I’m honestly so shocked that you think your approach to this is anything other that utterly batshit.

What you are saying is completely out of context of the situation. Don't jump on read 2 posts and then write what you wish. Nobody is any longer talking about a PCR and I wasn't demanding a PCR test from anyone. I also suggested to re arrange straightaway. If you are so gobsmacked about a minor conflict of interests amongst 3 parents than you are probably gobsmacked about the wrong things. My sons are amazing boys who live a fulfilling life and no I am not hysterical to not want to be in close contact with someone who's just had covid. Other mum could could have said something if she wanted to but she asked if the situation would be comfortable for me and I said no
OP posts:
HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 13:15

@Sceptre86

I would have bowed out myself and mentioned the pregnant friend and precautions you are taking.
Thats exactly what I've done. But my friend said 'no no you come we can rearrange with Mandy some other time'. That was it. I apologized as it was not personal to Mandy but was personal to me. But this thread is now about me being rude . Because the polite thing to do is to say yes to everything
OP posts:
HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 13:17

@BlueSky8

It is in fact in the official guidance that after 2 negative lfds yes you are allowed to leave isolation but still strongly encouraged to wait for 10 full days

Encouraged being the important rule here.
It's not a rule. It's guidance to deal with how you see fit

Yes so knowing the situation I saw it fit for myself not to take this extra risk. I was polite and honest and offered to meet up after my pregnant friend has left.
OP posts:
HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 13:21

@BrotherHelp

Even though people are let out after 7 days if negative LFT they’re still told to isolate/be carefully if they can until 10 days. It’s just to not cripple the work force numbers.

I would have done the same as you. Some people who haven’t been affected by covid will see it very differently. Just like someone affected by cancer/a road traffic incident/dog attack etc. I think your were polite saying you would no longer go not asking that Mandy wouldn’t

Thank you . This is my point and whay the whole situation was about. It wasn't about being rude to Mandy. If the mum who originally invited me would have mentioned that it was her husbands 8th day since covid I would have the same way explained myself and politely declined to come indoors at this moment in time.
OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 12/01/2022 13:25

I think possibly Mandy didn’t see your logic. Your kid is unvaccinated and (presumably?) unmasked in school all day, they’re by far the most likely person to give you covid. It sounds like you didn’t offer an explanation of having a vulnerable friend coming to stay imminently and so it appeared that maybe you were just making excuses.

DefyingSanity · 12/01/2022 13:29

@HipsterMum

Just to clarify Mandy (🙃) hasn't had a PCR test since her first initial one to confirm her negative status. Most of the people I know with Covid had active symptoms for way longer that 7 days.
You are coming up with your own conclusions about a lot of things.

How do you know she didn't test negative 2 consecutive days?
She doesn't need to do a PCR to prove negative status. None of us do.

Whilst I sympathise about your family bereavements (I also had some and also have extremely vulnerable immediate family) you are coming across a bit neurotic. We are in a different place with Covid than we were 2 years ago. The virus is generally becoming weaker. We have to go about our lives.

YANBU for doing whatever you think suits you best but YABU for judging somebody else for going about their lives as normal when you have no evidence that they have broken Covid protocols.

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 14:19

It seems like people on mumsnet never judged anyone in their entire human life 🤭 ' how dare you judge Mandy'. I didn't judge her. I politely said that I didn't want to be in same closed space just yet because I haven't develop the full protection from my latest jab and because of my pregnant friend's upcoming visit. That was it. I thought these days people would be more understanding considering how many people we all lost. But no being rude to Mandy for a second (whilst trying to ve super polite about it actually) is much more important. Weird. Anyways good chat.

OP posts:
JeSuis · 12/01/2022 14:24

I agree, it's silly to think people won't judge! But bear in mind that people may judge you for your choices too. I think more people would judge you than Mandy if I'm honest, but you do you!

vivainsomnia · 12/01/2022 14:45

I wasn't prepared on top of it to be worried about covid in that particular instance when I just wanted to have a quick 1 hour chat with someone and go back home
The issue is that you think you take Covid seriously and are acting very cautiously accordingly.

What 6ouvseem to be doing is being selectively cautious depending on how it suits you.

I'm high risk and therefore cautious. I do agree that otherwise, I don't think Covid is a massive worry for those who are vaccinated.

I was invited to friends on Nye. It would have been 5 of us only, all boosted, one recovered from Covid for 2 weeks. I didn't go because 4 other people inside, even for an hour was too risky.

You can't decide that being indoor with 4 other mums and kids is safe but adding a mum at day 8 and her kids suddenly turns the situation extremely unsafe.

lynntheyresexswappers · 12/01/2022 14:50

YABU to comment on how other parents are handling a completely unprecedented pandemic. Everyone is doing their best. I won't subject my children to anymore mental distress that they've experienced in the last two years due to Covid. That's keeping my children healthy and happy.

You've literally made up your own rules - that doesn't mean you're handling it better than anyone else, though you seem to think so.

You're unreasonable for posting in AIBU and then telling everyone who disagrees with you that they're wrong.

And you're the most unreasonable of all for your continued, and exceptionally annoying use of "guys".

Sorry if that's rude, but you have to be rude sometimes when you're just being honest - isn't that what you said op?

HipsterMum · 12/01/2022 14:54

@vivainsomnia

I wasn't prepared on top of it to be worried about covid in that particular instance when I just wanted to have a quick 1 hour chat with someone and go back home The issue is that you think you take Covid seriously and are acting very cautiously accordingly.

What 6ouvseem to be doing is being selectively cautious depending on how it suits you.

I'm high risk and therefore cautious. I do agree that otherwise, I don't think Covid is a massive worry for those who are vaccinated.

I was invited to friends on Nye. It would have been 5 of us only, all boosted, one recovered from Covid for 2 weeks. I didn't go because 4 other people inside, even for an hour was too risky.

You can't decide that being indoor with 4 other mums and kids is safe but adding a mum at day 8 and her kids suddenly turns the situation extremely unsafe.

But this mum has just been out of isolation and it was her 8th day . What 4 other mums it was just me with my 2 kids and 1 other mum with one. Her teen older son came in when were getting ready to leave. It wasn't a birthday party invitation and me making a massive deal over it forcing people to take pcrs and showing them to me. Nobody owes me anything. But yes I as a person with my own mind chose to not stay indoors with someone who as she put it ' was probably no longer contagious'. As simple as it. There have not been any ldfs available around our local area in the past 3 weeks nor could we order them online because we've all been searching for them . I apologized for sticking to my precautions that was it. I was made to feel bad for upsetting her son with my behaviour. This I find ridiculous
OP posts:
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