Page 7 | Friend used me for sex

SailingNotSurfing · 11/01/2022 19:45

He's an immature dick, and there are tons more charming, charismatic, funny guys out there, men who won't treat you like shit after you've had sex.

Broaden your social circle however you can, join groups, clubs, take up new activities.

Stop seeing this wanker as the centre of your social circle. Let him charm some other poor lass into bed and start living life for yourself.

Snorkmaidenn · 11/01/2022 19:45

He wanted a quick shag and you was available.

He also likes to brag about his conquests.

He's not relationship or best friend material.

Send him on an imaginary boat and push him out to sea.

user1481840227 · 11/01/2022 19:46

Why did you think he wouldn't be a good boyfriend?
Surely that should explain why he has acted like this?

Sorry he did this, he's a shit!

SGBK4682 · 11/01/2022 19:47

Charm is very seductive. It's meant to be. It can be used between platonic friends. For example, I had a colleague who made me feel really special, that she really valued my opinion and respect and we had tons of in-jokes between us. But I could see she did that with other people too. Many, many other people. So I withheld a part of myself. I enjoyed her company and went to social events she organised but I didn't get too close. She wasn't a bad person but she was incredibly needy for attention and underneath had huge self esteem issues. When she shared real problems, she asked everyone for advice and ignored it all, preferring to keep the drama going.

You say all your friends find him funny and charming. Maybe they all think he is their special friend. He is probably sucking them all in with wit and charm and dramatic gestures. My colleague made everyone's birthday a massive deal, even if they were shy introverts who didn't like a fuss. Because it was about her, not them.

Wreath21 · 11/01/2022 19:48

I think there are some men who really, fundamentally, cannot see women as human beings - and that he may be one of them. Sex, to these men, is about conquest - the ultimate goal of any 'relationship' (not romantic ones but friendships, work associates etc) is to stick your dick in the woman at some point. Once you've done that, she's no longer of interest. If you've managed to keep her on the back burner for a really long time, your score is higher.

Maybe have a think about how he treated the women he actually dated or referred to as girlfriends or partners to see if that's accurate.

Tabbydancer · 11/01/2022 19:48

[quote Drawingperson]@pollypokcet
You’re probably right. It’s just he has been a good friend in other ways, he’s always been there for me when I needed him and I know he cares about me and loves me. He seems really sad about the whole thing.[/quote]
Your posts are giving me anxiety. I made excuses for a man who loved me but didn’t treat me well. In the end it’s the not treating you with respect that matters. Steer clear at least for a while. He needs to feel the consequences of his shite actions

WetLookKnitwear · 11/01/2022 19:53

On reading your posts I thought:
-He is lying about the moments you’ve had in the past/fancying you because he wants to look cool
-he is no longer interested in the slightest because he’s had sex with you, in fact he’s binned the whole friendship for for sake of a shag
-he’s a show off and a bit of a knob
-you sound a bit in love with him (sorry)
-he’s not worth your time, just keep seeing your other friends and move on
-it sounds like a “fun while it lasted” type thing, happens to us all.

UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 19:54

[quote Drawingperson]@Saradegrey
I do have other friends. But my uni friends are incredibly important to me. We all moved to/back to London after uni and see each other regularly. My other friends are more people I see individually or in a smaller group, rather than a big family environment.[/quote]
You don't have to lose the group which is valuable to you obviously.
Sit the next meeting out to get some distance. Tell people you're away with a work crowd. Then the next time, you don't have to be frosty but don't start any conversations, don't divulge any private details. If he says ''how are you what you been up to?'' give him a bland strangers answer, ''duckin and diving'' and don't ask him what he's been doing. Don't try and prove you're ok. Don't try and prove you're hurt! Neither. Just act like he is somebody in the group. Be vaguely friendly but don't turn that beam of warmth or affection or friendship towards him. Just be in the group, but guard yourself.
Walk away while he's holding court.

LittleMG · 11/01/2022 19:55

Not good enough for him? More like too good!

Hawkins001 · 11/01/2022 19:58

@Drawingperson

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

Sounds like x story to his friends e.g. If they disapprove or are negative and he's trying to salvage his image, and then when it's you two, a different story.

godmum56 · 11/01/2022 19:59

[quote Drawingperson]@ItsSnowJokes I’ve known the man since we were teenagers. It’s not that easy [/quote]
why is it not that easy?

Saradegrey · 11/01/2022 20:00

[quote Drawingperson]@Saradegrey
I do have other friends. But my uni friends are incredibly important to me. We all moved to/back to London after uni and see each other regularly. My other friends are more people I see individually or in a smaller group, rather than a big family environment.[/quote]
I see. A large group of young pals living in London. I get it now.

Well, here's my advice. Don't change your friends - you obviously can't because they are majorly important in your life as it is now.

Freeze him out. Go out with your friends as normal. Be happy and relaxed and normal but don't engage with him directly. Be polite and cool.

Eventually, he will crack. He will say "Hey what have I done? Sorry if I've done something wrong" or "Hey what are you angry about?".

REPLY. "I am not angry, I am disappointed. You weren't the friend I thought you were and you showed me that you have no class at all". We can stay pleasant for the sake of the group, but no more -agreed?

BACK OF THE NET

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:01

Sometimes you can be friends with someone for ages. Then if you make it sexual, the friendship can fall apart, as it is too awkward. You can't really go back from sex to friends

I was friends with a man for five years. We got on really well. Then be told me he was attracted to me, and that made me say to him that I also thought he was attractive. We were flirting for
while. Then it never seemed to work. We were arguing all the time
We never got along as friends again.
We argued really badly, to the house extent where I told him to f off that I didn't want to see him again.

We had been friends for five years, but once it turned flirty with us, it was like a line was crossed, we just couldn't get the friendship to work again.

In you case, peopl get awkward and vulnerable after sex. And it can be hard to go back to being friends

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 11/01/2022 20:04

Move on.
Some relationships just run their course.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:04

Also "friendship" is not permanent and doesn't really mean anything. I think a lot of male friends are only friends with women with the hope of eventually having sex with them.

Ive seen loads of stories in the news recently, where women were raped by their male friends or killed by their male friends. And some of them were friends for ten years

Just because he is a "friend" doesn't mean you know him that well.

mugglenutmeg · 11/01/2022 20:05

'You don't have to lose the group which is valuable to you obviously.
Sit the next meeting out to get some distance. Tell people you're away with a work crowd. Then the next time, you don't have to be frosty but don't start any conversations, don't divulge any private details. If he says ''how are you what you been up to?'' give him a bland strangers answer, ''duckin and diving'' and don't ask him what he's been doing. Don't try and prove you're ok. Don't try and prove you're hurt! Neither. Just act like he is somebody in the group. Be vaguely friendly but don't turn that beam of warmth or affection or friendship towards him. Just be in the group, but guard yourself.
Walk away while he's holding court.'

I really like @UserBot989 advice above - very sensible & dignified.

WimpoleHat · 11/01/2022 20:11

He’s just incredibly charming and I don’t know how overnight I can ignore that.

Remember how he’s just treated you. Just remember that. That should negate the charm. I’ve been there, OP - and it’s utterly shit. But I look back now and thank my lucky stars for the lucky escape I had; my DH is twice the man my “charmer” ever could’ve been. Grit your teeth and block/ignore him. Do it for your own sense of self.

Unsure33 · 11/01/2022 20:12

I agree. Don’t lose your friends . Just keep him at a distance. You admit you don’t want a relationship with him so in a way you are both on the same page . Perhaps he was confused about what happened and handled conversations with friends is a clumsy way . Just go back to being friends . But not close friends.

WimpoleHat · 11/01/2022 20:13

@100problems

Watch St Ellis Fire OP; you're the girl that loves Billy.

St Elmo’s Fire! What a film. Yes, yes - it’s an old one, but a good ‘un. Watch OP - @100problems is spot on here….

HikingforScenery · 11/01/2022 20:13

[quote Drawingperson]@Wotsitsits
How would it even be possible to keep it up for that long?

@CorrBlimeyGG
It’s not that I’ve taken it to mean more than just friends, it simply was. He doesn’t treat his other female friends like he treats me.[/quote]
Probably treats you different to other female friends because you treated him different too.

He’s shown you he only wanted you for sex. He’s talked so disrespectfully about you begin your back to other friends. I don’t understand how you’re still asking questions.

Maybe he used to respect you and valued your friendship, not anymore. He’s made that clear.

Move on.

ChargingBuck · 11/01/2022 20:14

He seems really sad about the whole thing.

Sad he's been caught out being a shit with his bad-mouthing of you.
Not sad about what he has done.

Chalk it up to experience & get yourself out of his orbit,, he has shown you what he is. I'm sorry he's been so hurtful to you

HikingforScenery · 11/01/2022 20:15

[quote Drawingperson]@CorrBlimeyGG
The very definition of a friendship is that it’s platonic. He didn’t treat me as a friend. I’m not making that up either- every single person in our uni group has said that.[/quote]
He’s telling you he’s only ever seen you as a friend. He’s told you clearly. Perhaps your friends got it wrong too.
Only he knows truly how he felt and he’s made it known.

CheekyHobson · 11/01/2022 20:16

Well, someone's not being honest with themselves here.

Maybe it's him, and he has always wanted more than a friendship with you, but having jumped in the sack together, he's realised you're serious about not actually wanting a relationship with him and he's back-pedalling by pretending he never wanted anything more either.

Or maybe it's you, and you actually have always wanted a relationship with him but have known in the back of your mind that your appeal to him has always been your "elusiveness as a conquest" rather than being a genuine match for him. And now that the quest has been conquered, you're disappointed that you didn't get the relationship you secretly hoped for but pretending you never really wanted it anyway.

Or maybe it's a bit of both. Someone's going to have to be vulnerable with their real feelings and chance being hurt if there's any hope of anything more than bad feelings on both sides.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:17

You never really know anyone. Including your male friends. Remember - people appear how they want you to see them.

I worked with a man and we became friends. For the first five years he was very sweet, kind and caring. He was lovely.

Then his mask began to slip and I realised I didn't know the real him at all. He began to talk about having power over women, he would talk cruelly about women, and he would say really sexist and cruel things. He was a nasty cruel man.

When I began to see who he really was i started to leave the friendship. Just before I left the friendship, I went out for dinner with him and his new female colleague.(she had a boyfriend)

I was looking at him with her. He was sweet, kind and caring to her. He was putting on a complete act that he had put on with me at the start. She said "oh John is so lovely"

I stopped being friends with him soon after.

You don't really know any man including male friends.

They show you what they want you to see

IamGusFring · 11/01/2022 20:18

He has done a kiss and tell and he has been insulting about you - why on earth would you want to hang around a person like that ? Find your pride and stop making excuses for him . Uni friends ? People go their different ways.