Friend used me for sex

[Drawingperson]

Hi, new here and looking for some wise words of advice!

To keep it as short as possible, I’ve been good friends with someone since we were at Uni together and stayed close ever since- so it’s been around 10 years of friendship now.

It’s always been flirty, when we were at uni his close friends were always telling me how much he likes me. It stopped afterwards when we both got into long term relationships. However they ended around a year ago and since then it’s been obvious how much he likes me and sees me as more than a friend.

We had sex last week and it was great. We then caught up with the old group and had a blast. But today I heard from some friends that he had been saying he only wanted to have sex with me, he doesn’t want anything more, and sees me as his best friend, almost like a sister. You don’t have sex with your sister, surely. He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now. He claims he’s never flirted with me or shown me any signs of interest. This is categorically not true. Especially when it’s just us two, usually on holiday, he’s always been very intimate with me, in a way he isn’t with others.

I confronted him this evening and he admitted it all and begged for my forgiveness but still claims he was right and it’s been nothing but platonic apart from the sex, which he now regrets.

I just feel like I’ve been led on and off for the last decade of my life and am devastated that it’s ending like this. I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him or what I’ve done wrong.

Freeze him out. Go out with your friends as normal. Be happy and relaxed and normal but don't engage with him directly. Be polite and cool.

Do this. He's a dick. Just stop having any direct engagement with him. If he or anyone asks you why, you can be honest, or you can just say there isn't much of a friendship there any more, and leave it at that. "You're not the friend I thought you were" is a good and clear message.

And google 'limerence' - because it isn't love that you feel for him.

[quote Drawingperson]@PleasantBirthday
Even if I told him to go to hell, when I see him in person he’s one of the funniest people ever, it’s impossible to not be drawn to him. He’ll also keep asking me questions and attempt to include me in the conversation. I can’t really escape him as our uni group meets up quite often, at least once a week after work for drinks and often on the weekends too.[/quote]
Hmmm it sounds like you were the one who has feeling for him tbh.
You just twisted it in your mind because it made you feel good to think he has feelings for you.

He’s a shit. Remove the rose-coloured glasses. I’m afraid I’ve reached the age when an excess of charm in a person becomes something to be slightly wary of.

When you eventually find your anger, his charm and wit won’t seem quite so charming and witty, believe me.

If he hadn’t bitched to his pals I’d say it was a case of morning after regret but it’s not that.

You seem determined to point out you’re a strong and blunt person but that doesn’t mean you can’t be taken advantage of. Maybe he was playing the long game or maybe he liked having the platonic girlfriend without the emotional involvement - you seem to be on tap for him with support and friendship. Either way he’s not into you and you need to stop examining your history looking for evidence of him being into you. Even if he was for the past 9 years 364 days he isn’t now. Maybe there was no chemistry when it came down to it and that’s ok.

You could have been intimate every Wednesday since the day you met and he’s within his right to walk away. What he’s not within his rights to do is bitch to your mutuals. That makes him a dick regardless of his reasoning and you hanging on for someone to tell you it’s ok and it will work out because he’s just putting on a face with his mates isn’t going to happen. This isn’t Hollywood, there’s no happy ever after. Even if he decided you were romance material he’s broken trust from the first step by reporting back to others.

Don’t gently remove him, tell him straight. Don’t fuck him again, don’t wait for crumbs that might be a sign of the happy ever after. Time to move on.

@Daphnise

You might consider just dropping him as "friend".

But I don't think you will.

And that's the problem.

A very confident assertion considering that you've never met either party and have little insight into their ten year relationship. The friend may have been embarrassed/in denial and not wanted to admit the feelings were from his end.

People on here are very quick with the cries of LTB, which is easy to say when you've got no skin in the game or emotional attachment.

Any man who discussed having sex with me to a third party would be dead to me. Jerk!

It wouldn’t matter to me that I’d known him years - if a supposedly good friend treated me the way your friend has treated you, I would tell him I no longer wanted him in my life. He has seriously disrespected you and sounds like a man child tbh.

@Mufasa1118

You never really know anyone. Including your male friends. Remember - people appear how they want you to see them.

I worked with a man and we became friends. For the first five years he was very sweet, kind and caring. He was lovely.

Then his mask began to slip and I realised I didn't know the real him at all. He began to talk about having power over women, he would talk cruelly about women, and he would say really sexist and cruel things. He was a nasty cruel man.

When I began to see who he really was i started to leave the friendship. Just before I left the friendship, I went out for dinner with him and his new female colleague.(she had a boyfriend)

I was looking at him with her. He was sweet, kind and caring to her. He was putting on a complete act that he had put on with me at the start. She said "oh John is so lovely"

I stopped being friends with him soon after.

You don't really know any man including male friends.

They show you what they want you to see

@Mufasa1118 - you’re very right! I got to know someone through work. He at first was interested in me romantically then not and we just became friends at work. Then when I was made redundant a year later he rang me to find out how I was and we became friends, best platonic friends. This continued for 7 years with a couple of incidents of bad behaviour but as I liked him as a friend we got over these. Eventually he came onto me and we dated for 3 months which was one of the worst relationships ever and having known him for a few years I wasn’t sure he was into me or not or if I was into him that way.

It’s true how you say some men put on an act with eg a girlfriend and with you as a friend.

I always valued his advice because he was older than me, by 5 or 6 years, but really he wasn’t that much more mature or caring.

This guy is an asshole. Regardless of the romantic or non-romantic context, he betrayed your friendship by doing the "kiss and tell" and lying about you to your mutual friends. That sounds to me like the important (and unforgivable) bit. And the thing is, if you continue to be friends with him from now on, you'll be validating his story in the eyes of your friends: if you're not extremely infatuated with him as he says, why would you still tolerate him after this?

Oh and OP this man is an arsehole. Anyone worth their salt won’t just sleep with you because they can and then drop you. He shouldn’t have slept with you if he didn’t want to ruin your friendship. He’s now banking on his good, charming, what a laugh I am character so he doesn’t look bad to everyone else in your friendship group is what I’m guessing. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

@Stiffcondomhat

You've done nothing wrong. He's an immature loser. Don't waste time trying to rationalise his behaviour. Forget him, grieve privately and get on with your life.

Well said, completely agree

Can I be honest. And only so, because I have been used in a similar way.

I think ultimately he's been weirded out by you having sex.

In hindsight it's gone too far for people who have been friends for so long. I suspect he regrets it- not for anything you have done or anything you are, but that the lines been crossed & it will never be how it was before. Once you have slept together he's realised it was essentially a mistake.

It doesn't excuse how he has acted. It as I said anything you did.

Reminds me of the book One Day. There was a film too.

OP, this really isn't on. He's been a little prick talking about you like that.

Imagine this charmer was B Johnson. Yuk.

[quote Drawingperson]@ItsSnowJokes I’ve known the man since we were teenagers. It’s not that easy [/quote]
Even so, sometimes you have to give it up as a bad job. You can just have a break for a few months and see what things are like after that.

He sounds very disrespectful and a very poor friend, discussing you like that.

[quote Drawingperson]@ItsSnowJokes I’ve known the man since we were teenagers. It’s not that easy [/quote]
You haven't really know him. He has shown you a side of him he wanted you to see.

Now that he has gotten what he was probably angling for from the beginning the mask is off. Some men can hold their breath for a long time, but in the end you'll see them for who they are and it's usually when they no longer want anyting from you.

He's not a friend. A friend would be honest. Drop him, block him. Don't look back.

To talk about it with your mutual friends is something stuck in their late teens mentality might do, and not very nice at all. That the friends should then (what, really more than one??) feel obliged to "put you in the picture" gives me the ick about them. Perhaps they are fabulous - hmmmn. But I think they should have shut him down and told him to talk to you and not be so indiscreet. Your good guy, when you meet him, does not talk about his shags with your friends before he discusses how he feels about you - WITH you.

It sounds like he regrets the sex, OP. Maybe it broke the rose tinted glasses with which he's always viewed you, maybe he didn't enjoy the sex as much as he thought he would or maybe he is interested in someone else and doesn't want her to think this is serious - could be anything! Whatever it is, he is doing his best to distance himself from anything romantic. Very hurtful and callous obviously. And his cowardly way of dealing with it, shows that he is quite self absorbed and inconsiderate. Charm can sometimes hide ugly personalities, and as you're finding out, he is different as a friend than he is as a lover/partner.

However, I think your feelings for him run deeper than you admit and going back to being friends with him is a bad idea. If despite having had a bf for almost a decade, you still think he 'led you on' (this means you must have always had feelings for him) then this isn't a friendship. I think you'll struggle to meet anyone new because it's not easy to get over someone when they're constantly around. And should he start dating someone else soon, you'll feel devastated.

Take space for now. Grieve the loss of your friendship, realise this man is not who you thought he was and certainly doesn't care about your feelings the way a friend or partner would, and then let the friendship cool naturally. When you're ready, you can go back to enjoying him as a the funny, charming man he is, but don't put any more emotional investment in him. Some men like having a surrogate gf when single - all the intimacy without the responsibility and commitment. That's the box he has you in. It's a good lesson to never offer gf benefits to anyone who hasn't made you their gf.

Ehhh - obviously you have more than one friend. I don't doubt it - I am just referencing how you mentioned "friends" rather than "my friend". Sorry OP.

Your posts are really confusing. You say you don't want a relationship and you want to stay friends with him (effectively because you don't want to upset your friendship group). Your main gripe seems to be you thought he's always fancied you but he said he hasn't.

Then you ask why you're not good enough for him. It sounds like you need to be more honest with yourself. You like him. He doesn't want a relationship. You don't want to be vulnerable and needy. If it really is not the relationship for you, remind yourself of that and step back from him. You will feel better to keep away from him. It's OK to be upset to have had found what seemed like a good thing and then feelings not reciprocated.

Sounds like you will "have" to see him with friends. No need to make a big deal and be frosty but now you know he's got what he wanted (another notch on his bed post) you can draw back from him. Speak to your other friends.

If you are honest with yourself and straightforward with him about wanting to keep some distance it will save you from getting into game playing where you keep up the friendship like a good dog and he occasionally throws you a bone and sleeps with you.

You will have more success in getting him to realise you are important to him if you draw back in a friendly non confrontational way. At least it will sort out his feelings about you. All this apologising and wheedling is to keep you on the hook but he doesn't have to actually deal with an adult relationship. Lots of guys at 28 still want to play the field. Fine, let him. Move on. Next. That will also get him thinking.

Don't set so much store by a 10 year friendship. It's the sunk cost fallacy: that you invested 10 years, now you need to invest more. Draw a line. Not all friends are for life. Where does this friendship go when he gets another girlfriend? You're some bird he slept with but it didn't mean anything. You won't be having cosy chats and great times together then. This relationship has an expiry date on it. Nip it in the bud now. Nicely.

Avoid idealising him. Avoid demonising him. You can tell him that it's hurtful that he's said these shitty things about you to mutual friends and its made you reevaluate the friendship.

I think you need to look for people in the here and now who you can have a mature adult relationship with then hopefully in another 10 years you can look back older and wiser and appreciate the bullet you dodged with your ‘friend.’ Sorry op

This person is not a friend to you. And even if he was, the friendship you had was over the minute he disrespected you like that. Even if you don't know it now, it will eat away at you until you decide you no longer care about him. I have been there! I stick to female close friends now.

He then told mutual friends that I’ve been in love with him since we were 18 and it’s getting ‘boring’ now

I know it's hard, but please gather you pride, your dignity and stop contacting this man.

For a moment, let's buy into this idea that he really was intimate when he was with you, to the point that no wonder you were led on to think there was something more.......the fact that he has spoken to people behind your back in this way suggests there was obviously more to this than you realised. It means that part of him might genuinely like you, but it ashamed of you for some reason. Not good is it?

It sounds like you could have been a pleasant ego boost for him, a fun friend. You know - 'that girl who's nice and pretty and that would totally have sex with me whenever I want, because you know, like, she's in love with me....................'

Despite how nice he's been and how much he might enjoy your company, you don't present enough of a thrill for him I think. There's no question mark there - he knows you would come running if he wanted. I highly suspect he's lost respect for you.

The woman he really longs for, his 'The One' would have said no to someone who doesn't give concrete commitment ages ago.

You can regret sex without creating a wholly false and self-centred back story.

Perhaps he’s believed all this time that you’re in love with him, who knows.

The main thing is you’ve discovered what an enormous twat he is. He can be funny and charming at a distance. But really just too much of pillock to ever take seriously again.

Good advice from @beastlyslumber to google limerence. Falling for someone for who you think they are, and in your mind they embody who you want them to be, whilst ignoring who they actually are. Easier to spot yourself doing it if you know about it. Good way to not waste time with losers by being self aware.

Limerence can be a problem when you are of an age to settle down and are looking for that perfect combination of friendship and intimacy/ attraction. Easy to fool yourself into thinking one bodies the other.