Money issue. WWYD?

[IHateThis5hit]

DH and I have been married for 18 years or so. Never had a joint bank account for lots of different reasons. When we were DINKIES this was fine, and we just settled up at the end of a month, splitting costs in proportion to our salaries (so if I earned £30k and him £50k, 37.5/62.5 and so on).

Had DC 10 years ago. I was made redundant and used some of my payout to pay a chunk of a house extension and the rest to live off (DH away a lot with work and so finding a job that fit around DD was not easy). Having DC caused me PTSD and brought some childhood trauma to the surface and I had to spend a fair bit on counselling. I was probably a bit too focussed on DC and wanted “the best” for them, so bought expensive high chairs, complete sets of toys, bed etc for them. Not an issue as I had my nest egg. Once that was gone, however, I started building up debt, eventually admitting to my husband that I had around £10k on a 0% card. Not great, I know, and almost cost me the marriage, but DH forgave and we carried on. With me paying off the debt. (He made me get all the bank statements so that he could work out what should have been split but that never happened.)

I’ve been back at work full time since DC was 3 and paying the debt off slowly.

DH and I recently decided it would be easier to just get a joint account for bills and we would both pay in. I said we should review the split as I’ve just had a promotion but he said it should just be 50/50. (I think it should be more like 45/55.). On top of that it appears he has over £20k stashed (plus a load in crypto) whilst I have no savings at all. I said it was unfair that I was paying back all of the debt myself when a significant portion would have been for us as a family or for DC, whilst he sits on a ton of money. He thinks it’s fair.

He spends barely anything day to day. He works from home in t-shirts that are falling apart because nobody ever sees him. Washes with cheap soap, shaves his own head, buys a new pair of shoes maybe every 3 years.

I on the other hand have had to buy office kit to work on a hybrid since 2020. I’m on zoom calls 90% of the time, have to look presentable. There are a fair number of out of hours events and socials. I use good shampoo and conditioner and have my hair cut and coloured every 3 months. I wear make up pretty much daily and need smart clothes (have lost weight so having to buy new ones, mainly from eBay/Vinted). Use face wash and moisturiser - not the cheapest but not designer, always bought on offer. I commute to work 3 days a week so use fuel that he doesn’t have to use. I do 90% of the life admin and am feeling that this whole thing is very unfair and geared towards making him richer and me poorer. I’m feeling taken advantage of. I know I did wrong in building the debt but I was quite unwell after having DC, needed a year of therapy at £60 a week and I wasn’t buying things for myself. I was at home all week with DC enabling him to work and earn a high salary and yet I’m going to be punished for years while he sits pretty.

So, should we be paying into the joint account in proportion to our incomes? Should any allowance be made for the fact that I need to spend more for work etc than him?

(My pension pot is many many times the size of his, so I could leave this alone until then and see the tables turn, I guess.)

Well, he might not be afraid of divorce and he might well be sitting on secret assets you'll struggle to get info on. But the debt would be joint and the house would be joint (you MIGHT even be able to convince a judge that you should be reimbursed for paying more in upfront). So I'd divorce him now because half of whatever you get now means you'll benefit 100% from any upside of that in due course vs if you stay as you are where you're not going to benefit.

You have paid in over the odds throughout, including while you were a SAHM and he's now being a DICK.

@Aprilx

I wouldn’t even call this a marriage, it is unrecognisable to me. You are at least ten years down the line, I don’t know how much more, you have children and you are still splitting things like housemates. He doesn’t have savings and you don’t, half those savings are yours, legally, because you are married. You could both do with reading up on what marriage means!

Agree - reading this it's like you're early 20s in a flat share! Splitting the flipping water bill and telly licence! Arguing over whose milk is whose.

Do you both understand what being married means financially? It means you own everything together.

So you both together jointly own all assets (pension, cash, crypto, investments) and debts (your £10k).

It makes not one iota of difference whose name is on the account or the debt.

You need to start operating as a couple.

Get all salaries and any other income paid into one joint account then sit down together and write a budget. The budget will include debt payoff, investments and stuff for the kids along with personal spending money for you both that can be put in your accounts (for hair, hobbies, going out, whatever).

Alternatively you can leave him 🤷‍♀️ you'd be better off financially than now probably.

You need to start operating as a couple.

It is extremely difficult for me to do this. I’m working through that but not something I will be able to do for the foreseeable future.

Some of the comments on this thread have really got me thinking about whether I want to stay in the marriage so I’ll need to work that out first.

Thanks to everyone for your views. They’ve given me a lot to think about.

He has taken advantage of you quite considerably by the sound of it.

Can you get copies of the Credit Card Statements from when that large debt was run up and go through them with different coloured highlighters and work out what was spent on the builders, what was family spending and what was your spending. Then do the same with your own savings. Work out what went on you, what went on the house, what went on the family. When you have added it all up present him with a bill for his 50% share of the builders costs and 50% of the family costs.

It is appalling that he thought he could basically dump all family living expenses onto you whilst living away from home and not providing any part of the support required for a family. It is more than just paying half of the mortgage and bills, much more than that. You would have had additional expenses that wouldn't have been an issue if you had access to family money.

So he owes you £25k for the deposit, and £5k for the extension. Perhaps ask him how he'd like to settle up on that (or should you look at getting the house split differently in terms of ownership admittedly more difficult as you are married). That should focus his mind.

If he refuses to settle the house debt - given your set up then you need to put aside a significant amount of your salary each month before contributing to the joint account to recover that £30k. That has to become non negotiable.

Going forward, assuming he pays off the £30k, if it needs to be 50:50 on the joint account then EVERYTHING relating to the children needs to go on the joint account. If you take them on holiday - their costs go on the joint account for example. Every item that it bought is on the joint account. Don't hide the cost of the kids from him as it just means you are paying for them and he is racking up the savings.

And yes I agree having reread the OP that the joint account should be funded based on salary proportions - given that is how you have always worked. And your salary proportion on offer is less the payback of the £30k if he won't cover that upfront. So to base on your 45:55 if you are bringing home £2,250 a month and him £2,750 then I would keep £1000 as his debt payment and contribute £1,250 to the calculation meaning you then contribute in the ratio 31:69. But he is not going to like that...

He is taking advantage of your issues and making you pay singificantly more than you should be.

@IHateThis5hit

You need to start operating as a couple.

It is extremely difficult for me to do this. I’m working through that but not something I will be able to do for the foreseeable future.

Some of the comments on this thread have really got me thinking about whether I want to stay in the marriage so I’ll need to work that out first.

Thanks to everyone for your views. They’ve given me a lot to think about.

You're right OP, you can't do it alone, you both need to do it together and if he isn't on board, then there's nothing you can do about it.

Really hope you're ok in future x