Money issue. WWYD?

[IHateThis5hit]

DH and I have been married for 18 years or so. Never had a joint bank account for lots of different reasons. When we were DINKIES this was fine, and we just settled up at the end of a month, splitting costs in proportion to our salaries (so if I earned £30k and him £50k, 37.5/62.5 and so on).

Had DC 10 years ago. I was made redundant and used some of my payout to pay a chunk of a house extension and the rest to live off (DH away a lot with work and so finding a job that fit around DD was not easy). Having DC caused me PTSD and brought some childhood trauma to the surface and I had to spend a fair bit on counselling. I was probably a bit too focussed on DC and wanted “the best” for them, so bought expensive high chairs, complete sets of toys, bed etc for them. Not an issue as I had my nest egg. Once that was gone, however, I started building up debt, eventually admitting to my husband that I had around £10k on a 0% card. Not great, I know, and almost cost me the marriage, but DH forgave and we carried on. With me paying off the debt. (He made me get all the bank statements so that he could work out what should have been split but that never happened.)

I’ve been back at work full time since DC was 3 and paying the debt off slowly.

DH and I recently decided it would be easier to just get a joint account for bills and we would both pay in. I said we should review the split as I’ve just had a promotion but he said it should just be 50/50. (I think it should be more like 45/55.). On top of that it appears he has over £20k stashed (plus a load in crypto) whilst I have no savings at all. I said it was unfair that I was paying back all of the debt myself when a significant portion would have been for us as a family or for DC, whilst he sits on a ton of money. He thinks it’s fair.

He spends barely anything day to day. He works from home in t-shirts that are falling apart because nobody ever sees him. Washes with cheap soap, shaves his own head, buys a new pair of shoes maybe every 3 years.

I on the other hand have had to buy office kit to work on a hybrid since 2020. I’m on zoom calls 90% of the time, have to look presentable. There are a fair number of out of hours events and socials. I use good shampoo and conditioner and have my hair cut and coloured every 3 months. I wear make up pretty much daily and need smart clothes (have lost weight so having to buy new ones, mainly from eBay/Vinted). Use face wash and moisturiser - not the cheapest but not designer, always bought on offer. I commute to work 3 days a week so use fuel that he doesn’t have to use. I do 90% of the life admin and am feeling that this whole thing is very unfair and geared towards making him richer and me poorer. I’m feeling taken advantage of. I know I did wrong in building the debt but I was quite unwell after having DC, needed a year of therapy at £60 a week and I wasn’t buying things for myself. I was at home all week with DC enabling him to work and earn a high salary and yet I’m going to be punished for years while he sits pretty.

So, should we be paying into the joint account in proportion to our incomes? Should any allowance be made for the fact that I need to spend more for work etc than him?

(My pension pot is many many times the size of his, so I could leave this alone until then and see the tables turn, I guess.)

Do you love him?

Do you trust him?

Do you feel happy in your relationship?

Your post and responses indicate, to me at least, that there's an underlying distrust in the relationship and some poor behaviour that's making you feel the need to be petty with money.

I suspect you both need to work on these issues. If there aren't issues, and this is purely about money, then I think you have it all wrong. You are a joint entity now; a household. Household income, household savings, household responsibilities. Pensions will also be spent equally, unless you plan to live a life of luxury while leaving him at home in the cold during retirement?!

I would say to have both pay cheques going into a joint account, then £x spending money each transferring out. That spending money covers dh's cycling holidays if that's what he wants. Yours covers whatever you want. Save it if you want. Spend it if you want. Groceries, commuting, essential clothes for adults, family hols, things for the kids, they all come out of the family pot. I don't think you'll like this suggestion though going on your last post. So what do you think would work?!

You are meant to be on the same team.

All family outgoings, whether thats the the cost of your haircut or things for the DC or new t shirts for DH, all should come out of family money.

The most simple solution is all your money goes into a pot to cover everything. Household bills, DC stuff, food, holidays, and an agreed amount to put into a joint savings account. You can also agree a set amount for you both to spend as you wish - and if he wants to save that, its up to him.

I dont know why this wouldnt be the only option when you are married with DC.

What does he bring to your life OP?

@Offmyfence

More than money is a problem here!

He goes on holiday on his own!

How much does that cost?

Last year about £5k for the bike, £3k for other equipment. Probably another £2-3k on hotels/food etc.

I think the money is symptomatic of the wider relationship- there’s you and the DC and then, separately, there’s him (with his work, hobby, holidays, money, all his).

So I think I’d look at the bigger picture together, perhaps with some outside support.

DH and I have separate money, and split the bills so we’re left with roughly the same disposable income. I’ve not checked on the detail of it for a few years though (I’m the higher earner) as at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter whose savings are bigger. It would be different if I was scrimping and he wasn’t, and in the years that money is tight we’ve looked at it together in more detail. Just to highlight that separate finances shouldn’t be the cause of the issue.

I can't relate to any of this. It doesn't sound like a marriage at all.

It sounds very complicated and like everything is set up in his favour.

I'm a sahm but do a bit of work for the family business now the dc's are older so don't really "earn" as such (ie I'm not bringing in a regular wage). But dh would never expect me to share that bit of money with him anyway as what he earns dwarfs it in comparison.
However, all the money dh earns is ours, together as a couple/family. All of our assets are either jointly owned or in my name - dh did this as protection for me and also has life insurance so I'm safe should anything happen to him.
When we had our first dc I had £10k of debt and dh paid it off for me to facilitate me being a sahm.

I don't get, when u are married and have dc the mentality of "well this is mine coz I don't spend money on such and such and you get that".
It sounds like your dh is very money-focused and tight fisted. I can't understand his attitude towards the mother of his child.

It's about a persons individual take on what is important in life and making your partner happy. I look after dh and the dc's with all the domesticated stuff/life admin and dh ensures everything is fair financially. He'd never try to make me feel bad for spending on non-essentials like clothes and hair. So long as you don't have a problem and are not spending excessive amounts of money on things you don't need I don't get why he's keeping such a close hold on what he sees as "his" money.
It sounds like he's using your debt as a stick to beat you with, despite the fact you paid it off yourself and unfairly not taking into consideration that the money spent on cards was for stuff HE should've been providing for while you were on maternity leave.

My Dh would give me his last tenner and that's one of the reasons I love him.

Do you love him?
Do you think he loves you?

Oh, and I always find these MAMIL's are very similar. I have a couple of friends with dh,'s a bit like this. Everything is about their hobby - it comes first even before family time and they are often off on jaunts on weekends and such and always have to have the latest bike or whatever.

If they can afford it fine - but it shouldn't be at the detriment of their family life. I couldn't stay with someone so self-centred. For us weekends are about family time - bar the odd night out with friends or weekend away for just the two of us etc. If dh wanted to go off on holidays/weekends alone all the time I'd be seriously questioning our relationship and his feelings towards me. (Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad OP, it's just that's the way I'd feel.)
What would he do if you got a hobby that involved you going off for weekends / paying for expensive stuff related to it?
I bet he wouldn't be too pleased.

I absolutely agree that nothing about this situation sounds like a balanced or decent relationship and certainly not like a marriage. He doesn't even pay towards or even go on his kids holiday (!!!)). If you divorce I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised of her tried to shaft you seven ways from Sunday. He's incredibly selfish. You really would be better away from him.

Hi OP, I was like you until we had DC - we paid into a joint account proportionate to our salaries. However, pretty much all of our savings went on house move /extension.

Fastforward and DH still continues to pay a proportion of his salary into joint account and saves the rest. I have no savings and all my (part time) income goes into joint account. However, DH pays out for extras out of his savings and transfers extra money in joint account when required - I can buy what I want out of joint account (obviously large purchases would be discussed) and all DC stuff comes out of joint account. I probably should insist on saving part of my salary but I trust my DH and it doesn't seem like a big deal at the moment as I spend by far the most amount of money out of joint account

You don't really sound like you have a marriage, if I'm honest... there's no partnership here. Do you love each other? Is there good in this?

Absolutely not happening. I don’t want joint finances. I’m compromising hugely having a joint account at all!

Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to not have joint finances; but it does increase the risk of a situation like you're in - where everyone sees their money as theirs, and someone can save whilst the other person spends. If you'd had joint income at the start, the spending for the kids would have come out of that, and there wouldn't have been £10k of secret debt.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if my DH suddenly told me that he had £10k of debt... realistically, how much of that was overspending on the kids, and how much was from the builders? What was the agreement for costs - had you agreed to pay, or was that due to be a split bill? It's easy to say that you should both pay 50%, but if you didn't have joint finances and he had no knowledge of what you were buying, that might be questionable...

And now you have a joint account, but you don't want joint finances, and that seems to just make an already murky situation a lot worse.

You need to sit down and discuss the financial situation; and probably the whole partnership, really.

It's easy to say that he's a dick, from what you've written here, you were struggling and he worked away; and now he can scrimp on things for him and doesn't think about anyone else, and he's basically an absent parent... But that would be judging the situation through the bias of my views and my relationship. I couldn't have put up with what he's done; I'd have expected him to support me while I was struggling, and to be a fairly equal partner in parenthood, and solo bike trips costing nearly £10k... Nah. But equally, I'm not sure how well I'd have coped with a surprise £10k debt; and I'd be very resentful over needing to pay that back if I'd never had knowledge of it and had thought the finances were being handled, so it's wholly unhelpful to judge it through my lens...

You have to sit down and talk it through, and see what feels fair for the two of you, based on your historic agreements, and your current circumstances.

F me, I can't believe what you just said he spends on cycling!! I actually think that's obscene.

OP - This isn't marriage. You are actually a single parent with a financially controlling house sharer.

@Indecisivelurcher

F me, I can't believe what you just said he spends on cycling!! I actually think that's obscene.

It’s normal for cycling. And it’s probably more than that.

But if he has been spending that and also has lots of savings, and the OP has neither, it reinforces that the finances and spending money haven’t been fairly split.

I am very confused that you have put in vast amounts for house deposit and building works out of your money, but the "joint debt" on the CC is still yours alone?

If you hadn't put that money into the house, you probably wouldn't have got into debt. I'd be asking for 50% of both amounts back from him if that's the way he wants to play ball. Because let's face it, in a divorce you've lost it as a joint marital asset anyway.

Is he upfront and honest about his savings?

We do separate holidays. He books ones DC can’t go on. So I book holidays for DC and I.

This right here? Red flag. Wtf?

You made a mistake under extenuating circumstances caused by past trauma and he's holding that agaisnt you??

The whole thing sounds awful

Urgh another selfish MAMIL. How is your relationship in reality? Do you love him? Do you get on well despite his dickish behaviour?

He has a super cosy set up.

Wow.

Absolutely not happening. I don’t want joint finances. I’m compromising hugely having a joint account at all!

While this works for some people, it's also partially why you're in the situation you're in. You both have individual accounts, savings and pensions which means you both see your money as yours, not something to be shared.

So, because cause none of the rest of your income is shared, he doesn't see why he should be responsible for paying your debts or holidays you choose to take with your DC without him.

I agree with PP who said this doesn't sound like a decent marriage. You both appear to resent each other, you don't trust each other enough to share any of your finances and now you're in a position where you'll need to declare all your finances when you divorce.

This had to be a joint approach, there is no way round this. Full financial disclosure, costs and social,emotional impact on the kids future of this somewhat suspicious treatment of each other is needed. You were sick and lost track but neither did he take equal part in managing and checking what was happening. Due to family history my husband is still somewhat paranoid about me knowing what's in his bank, but, after years of arguing he knows he has to participate and I'm not trying to rip him off. I cannot stress enough the importance of joint accounts for bills and trust that they're paid.

He’s a long distance cyclist.

What a surprise.

He's a selfish prick. What do you get out of this relationship?

He’s a long distance cyclist

Aren’t they all.

What’s the point of this marriage? He’s mean, unsupportive and doesn’t even want to holiday as a family.

That’s no marriage in my opinion.

I wouldn’t even call this a marriage, it is unrecognisable to me.

This. Your H seems to hate you, OP - he treats you like a skivvy, makes you do all the life admin and bulk of parenting, expects you to take on a load of family/DC/medical (mental health) costs all by yourself, while he squirrels away vast savings and spends huge amounts of money on himself. How you got to this point, I have no idea - but if I were you, I would not put up with this for one second longer. This is not a relationship, partnership or marriage in any sense of the words as I understand them.