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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Money issue. WWYD?

132 replies

IHateThis5hit · 10/01/2022 14:32

DH and I have been married for 18 years or so. Never had a joint bank account for lots of different reasons. When we were DINKIES this was fine, and we just settled up at the end of a month, splitting costs in proportion to our salaries (so if I earned £30k and him £50k, 37.5/62.5 and so on).

Had DC 10 years ago. I was made redundant and used some of my payout to pay a chunk of a house extension and the rest to live off (DH away a lot with work and so finding a job that fit around DD was not easy). Having DC caused me PTSD and brought some childhood trauma to the surface and I had to spend a fair bit on counselling. I was probably a bit too focussed on DC and wanted “the best” for them, so bought expensive high chairs, complete sets of toys, bed etc for them. Not an issue as I had my nest egg. Once that was gone, however, I started building up debt, eventually admitting to my husband that I had around £10k on a 0% card. Not great, I know, and almost cost me the marriage, but DH forgave and we carried on. With me paying off the debt. (He made me get all the bank statements so that he could work out what should have been split but that never happened.)

I’ve been back at work full time since DC was 3 and paying the debt off slowly.

DH and I recently decided it would be easier to just get a joint account for bills and we would both pay in. I said we should review the split as I’ve just had a promotion but he said it should just be 50/50. (I think it should be more like 45/55.). On top of that it appears he has over £20k stashed (plus a load in crypto) whilst I have no savings at all. I said it was unfair that I was paying back all of the debt myself when a significant portion would have been for us as a family or for DC, whilst he sits on a ton of money. He thinks it’s fair.

He spends barely anything day to day. He works from home in t-shirts that are falling apart because nobody ever sees him. Washes with cheap soap, shaves his own head, buys a new pair of shoes maybe every 3 years.

I on the other hand have had to buy office kit to work on a hybrid since 2020. I’m on zoom calls 90% of the time, have to look presentable. There are a fair number of out of hours events and socials. I use good shampoo and conditioner and have my hair cut and coloured every 3 months. I wear make up pretty much daily and need smart clothes (have lost weight so having to buy new ones, mainly from eBay/Vinted). Use face wash and moisturiser - not the cheapest but not designer, always bought on offer. I commute to work 3 days a week so use fuel that he doesn’t have to use. I do 90% of the life admin and am feeling that this whole thing is very unfair and geared towards making him richer and me poorer. I’m feeling taken advantage of. I know I did wrong in building the debt but I was quite unwell after having DC, needed a year of therapy at £60 a week and I wasn’t buying things for myself. I was at home all week with DC enabling him to work and earn a high salary and yet I’m going to be punished for years while he sits pretty.

So, should we be paying into the joint account in proportion to our incomes? Should any allowance be made for the fact that I need to spend more for work etc than him?

(My pension pot is many many times the size of his, so I could leave this alone until then and see the tables turn, I guess.)

OP posts:

BlondeDogLady · 10/01/2022 15:09

Don't underestimate the freedom he had to work away from home, because all of the childcare was lumped on to you. You literally gave up your ability to earn, so that he could. In return he is supposed to supports you and the kids financially. Unless this idiot thanks that his family can survive on dust.

Original poster

IHateThis5hit · 10/01/2022 15:10

It guess DC has always been my sidekick so it doesn’t occur to me to go somewhere they can’t.

Not so, DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

IHateThis5hit · 10/01/2022 15:10

@BlondeDogLady

But how do I resolve that now?!

OP posts:

BlondeDogLady · 10/01/2022 15:11

We had counselling when the debt stuff came out. He was very fixed minded, blamed me for everything

You would not have amassed any debt if he was taking care of the financials in the way the way that he should have been

JustLyra · 10/01/2022 15:11

Do you want to stay in this marriage?

He sounds checked out and you don’t seem fully in either.

Don’t waste years - if it’s done cut your losses now.

SarahAndQuack · 10/01/2022 15:13

You poor love. He sounds absolutely horrible - I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but he does. This isn't fair at all.

RandomLondoner · 10/01/2022 15:17

One suggestion I have is that work-related expenses should be treated as negative earnings. If you spend 2K a year on petrol, then your income should be treated as 2K a year lower than it's after-tax value. If you wouldn't need a car at all if you didn't work, then all car expenses can be deducted.

I don't think you could pass off you personal grooming expenses as work expenses though.

Wexone · 10/01/2022 15:20

Ok we have a strange set up with money in our relationship too mainly because i am so bad with it and built upa bit of debt, the last of ot nearly gone now. We do have a joint account though where a fixed amount of money goes in every month and this covers all bills and savings. Then we have our own money to buy what we want, take it in turns to buy food every week and same applies to presents - i buy for my family he buys for his family etc. We have just sold our house and in the process of our new one but that money is in a separate account aswell. I can see it all and everything but don't have access and that's is just because i don't trust myself not to spend it - not controlling before anyone says it is. To access we need both signatures . I pay for holidays but that's because i earn more, he saves spending money . It works for us. Re the debt i pay it back as it was my debt. This works for us, however if there was Children involved then i would be on the page that all money comes in is family money. You have children to look after and this i am sorry takes both of you to pay for . Aswell as that both of you to parent them. I think counselling is needed here as you have bigger issues and money is just part of it. You are a teams and will have ups and downs - as someone said above one of you could be sick, one of you could be out of work you need to work it out for both of you .

BlondeDogLady · 10/01/2022 15:20

But how do I resolve that now?!

A sit down discussion without any distractions. Explain how you feel. The unfairness of it all. Tell him you'd be better off if you divorced as you'd get about 70% of everything. Press upon him how he could not have worked away, for it not for you. Him following his career has cost you yours (this is why you'd come out with more in a divorce - in Scotland this is called Economic recompense). If he is insistent that you put in proportionately to what your earn, then he will have to do 50/50 childcare - even when he's on his cycling holidays he will have to take the DC. Make notes before you ask him for a meeting.

I can't bear a tight arse!

I earn more than my DH. I pay for most of our leisure stuff like meals out and holidays because I have more money, and I can afford to. Who cares!

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/01/2022 15:22

What do YOU want to happen @IHateThis5hit

What changes do you want to see?

MiddleParking · 10/01/2022 15:24

He’s a long distance cyclist.

No he isn’t if he works from home. You mean he’s a man who likes cycling in his spare time. No different to your beauty stuff (which I agree with pp is mostly discretionary). We don’t have totally joint finances either, but there still wouldn’t be any question of £10k of debt on our kids’ stuff belonging to just one of us. What’s the point in being married at all?

RandomLondoner · 10/01/2022 15:25

I think you should each personally pay for any unnecessarily expensive items bought for children. It seems like you have each been guilty of this in the past. You shouldn't pay for half of expensive ipad if he didn't pay half of the expensive child stuff that got you into debt. (But if he did, then you should.)

GorgonzolaSouffle · 10/01/2022 15:26

@IHateThis5hit

Do you like him?

I don’t and I haven’t even met him.
No way would I be putting up with this.

TheHoptimist · 10/01/2022 15:26

A joint account emnas that you both pay in all that you have an go from there

What you describe isnt joint finances. Its very depressing.

You are married and so legally half is yours. Get a very good solicitor

IncompleteSenten · 10/01/2022 15:27

I think he owes you 50% of everything you've ever spent on the children!

Original poster

IHateThis5hit · 10/01/2022 15:28

@TheHoptimist

A joint account emnas that you both pay in all that you have an go from there

What you describe isnt joint finances. Its very depressing.

You are married and so legally half is yours. Get a very good solicitor

Absolutely not happening. I don’t want joint finances. I’m compromising hugely having a joint account at all!

OP posts:

Glenthebattleostrich · 10/01/2022 15:29

Well he sounds like a selfish wanker.

Basically, he owes you £25000 for the house deposit, plus half the amount you paid off the extension and half the cost of any holidays you've been on.

If he is going to be so money orientated present him with a list of things you have spent on the family, which he has used and ask for payment for it. I would also include a financial contribution to the childcare when he is on his jollies. Present it as an invoice and give him 30 days to pay it.

I'd then be seeking a divorce to be honest.

Zombiemum1946 · 10/01/2022 15:29

This comes across as him being somewhat detached from the family/ relationship situation. My husband won't get involved in anything financial. It was a nightmare trying to set up mortgage/ pension/ savings etc. He prefers to work in cash only and rarely checks his bank account. I manage everything else. It room a lot of me saying they're your kids as well, do want a medal for buying their food and clothes ? In saying all that, he is very involved in the kids lives. He hates money and that comes from a lot of difficulty with his family borrowing from us and not repaying. He occasionally has weekends away with friends but any holidays are with the kids. There's something wrong here, and going to counselling again sounds like an option to consider.

Ihatestripysocks · 10/01/2022 15:30

Did you pay on credit card for stuff for kids because no other money?or easier? If you had said we need new pram would he be expecting to pay half? Or he’s away you crack on use card because easiest way forward?

It does seem unfair for you to bare all costs for things kids needed. Yes if he had been there he may have argued about cost per item but he wasn’t. Presume he knew kids needed stuff anyway.

Agree about work expenses it can’t be 50:50 when you have £££ costs a year and he sits at home with none.

5128gap · 10/01/2022 15:32

He can't have it both ways with regards to the debt. Either he accepts it as a joint liability, in which case he has a right to be annoyed, or he sees it as your problem for you to pay off, in which case he has no right to criticise you. No way would I be apologising for a debt that, given he refused to help pay off, didn't concern him in the least. Not much help with the rest of it OP, but really, don't keep feeling guilty for something you've had to deal with by yourself.

Cailleachian · 10/01/2022 15:38

If the crypto is a significant amount INSIST that the crypto is put into a multisig wallet.

Original poster

IHateThis5hit · 10/01/2022 15:39

@Ihatestripysocks

It does seem unfair for you to bare all costs for things kids needed. Yes if he had been there he may have argued about cost per item but he wasn’t. Presume he knew kids needed stuff anyway.

Agree about work expenses it can’t be 50:50 when you have £££ costs a year and he sits at home with none.

I buy everything on CC for the protection. Got a new 0% card before DC came intending to pay it off in full at end of period. When that happened I’d been made redundant and I think had spent some of the money twice (card and builders). My brain was addled as I was so physically and emotionally exhausted. As the money physically went to the builders the card balance was left behind. I think I was embarrassed that I’d spent so much without realising.

OP posts:

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 15:39