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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I think that the in-laws should occasionally acknowledge my existence?

33 replies

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 12:23

Ahhh, this goes way back, they are quite strange people and a bit socially...odd.

Anyway, they visited yesterday to drop presents off for DS (16 months.)

They didn't say hello to me, they didn't ask how I was, (they never really do) they didn't address more than about 1 sentence to me, and they didn't say goodbye.

We're going there on Thurs but they kept talking to DP about what the plans were and telling him what they want us to do like I'm some sort of dumb, servile non-thing, and it's always "Mr. Boho is coming on Thurs" as if he doesn't have a family, even though we're all going.

As soon as they find out I'm pregnant again they will no doubt be kissing my arse. It's really annoying. Although, actually, last time they ignored me and the pregnancy until about 2 weeks before the due date when they suddenly pop up wanting to be my best mate. We're actually putting off telling them for a good while yet as last time DP was really upset by their peculiar, indifferent reaction.

What is the deal with these people? Is this standard in-law behaviour?

OP posts:

Dynamicnanny · 24/12/2007 12:31

YANBU

That sounds awful

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 12:34

I do occasionally feel like a womb on legs. Once it's empty, my usefulness expires.

Then I just think - fuck 'em!

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 24/12/2007 12:35

They sound horrible.
Perhaps you could think of it as a bonus that they ignore you - at least you don't have to spend any time with them.

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 12:42

This is true Humphrey! It does really make me resent them spending time with DS though, I feel a bit like if they can't be civil to me why should they get to have all the fun with DS? I would never stop them but thankfully we don't see them too often. And anyway, I'm thinking of emigrating...

OP posts:

gingerninja · 24/12/2007 12:47

what and odd bunch. Have they always been like that? Have you offended them somewhere in the past and they're of the grudge holding variety?

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 12:51

I don't think I've offended them. In fact, the first time I ever met them they just sat there watching the tv not speaking. So unless my attempts at polite conversation during Eastenders is still being fumed over I just don't understand it!

It's almost worse when they do speak. When we told them about being preg with DS1, they said "oh right" and wittered on about someone else's kid. Then after not seeing them for about 4 months (am now about 6 months pregnant) MIL looks at me and says "Ooh, you've put on weight" and proceeds to rip the piss out of my birth plan and anything else she can think of. Nice.

OP posts:

moljam · 24/12/2007 12:56

sound odd.
im lucky to have fantastic mil![smug]

macdoodle · 24/12/2007 13:20

Not normal my IL's are great - even though H and I seperated - and they don't slag him off (not that I would expect them too)...they get on better with me and my MIL is great at helping out with DD and they are looking forward to new LO and coming for xmas dinner tomorrow ....luckily as my own parents are a complete nightmare [another smug}

macdoodle · 24/12/2007 13:20

Flibbertinseljinglebells · 24/12/2007 13:32

No, its not normal but sounds just like my il's.
You are not alone.
I don't recall ever offending my mil but it seems she took an instant dislike to me the first time she met me 9 years ago and apparently once she's decided she doesn't like someone, there is nothing I can do to change it. I spent the first 5 years trying to make her like me but was never myself around her. I have absolutely no problem making lots of friends etc so its not like I am a wierd sort of person! Also whats double upsetting is that she is 'in charge' of the family. We suspect that sil and fil quite like me but the are not allowed to.
Does that make you feel a teeny bit better?

whispywhisp · 24/12/2007 13:35

BoHoHo - you and I got the same out-laws? Blimey...your OP sounds exactly like the situation I'm in.

My out-laws (I refuse to call them in-laws) have not spoken to me for 3yrs, never ask how I am, only ever ask after the kids, refuse to return my calls, texts etc - we've not seen them for 3yrs, DH really struggles to talk to them on the phone and they are just plain difficult, a nuisance, act like children themselves, only wanted anything to do with us when I was pregnant and immediately after the births of both our dd's. DH's Mother has, in the past, taken DH out of a room to talk to him - she won't talk to him in front of me, she calls me 'his so- called wife' and DH's Father refers to me as a 'Cow'....

Needless to say I cut my ties with them a long time ago - and life is a lot easier as a result.

I don't think they've ever got used to the idea that I married THEIR son. His first marriage fell apart due to pressure from his parents (they couldn't get on with his first wife) and then he married me - 17yrs ago - you'd have thought they'd have got used to the idea by now, wouldn't you?

The day before I married him I rec'd a phone call from his mother .......'Just remember - he is MY son'.

Says it all really! Their loss. Not ours.

escapedelf · 24/12/2007 15:24

Are you the same person that is moaning about your own parents, your extended family and your dp on another thread? Perhaps they just realise that you are quite difficult to please and whatever they do, it's not going to be good enough.

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 18:08

Cheers escapedelf, yes I have had a very difficult couple of days. And a merry Christmas to you too.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 24/12/2007 18:08

Ouch.

Saturn74 · 24/12/2007 18:09

x-post, BB
Have a lovely Christmas, and rise above the nastiness of the ILs.

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 24/12/2007 18:11

Cheers HumphreyCushion, hope you have a great one as well.

OP posts:

whispywhisp · 24/12/2007 19:15

bohoho...you have my full sympathy. I know how hard life can get. Try to enjoy your Chrismtas too. xxxxx

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 26/12/2007 08:37

Thank you whispywhisp - we had a lovely day, I hope yours was good too.

On the upside, turns out that they have been very generous this Christmas. It's all very confusing!

OP posts:

whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 08:48

Hi Bohoho.

Mine was 'ok'. I don't enjoy Christmas as much as I used to. I lost my Dad just over 2yrs ago and it's never been the same since. He was a real Christmas person and loved having the families over whereas the whole even could just pass my Mum by.

DH's family cut their ties with us a few years ago too. So we don't have any contact with any of his family either - their choice.

Anyway atleast your day went well yesterday. Families can be odd and unpredictable, can't they? XX

Original poster

boHOHOhemianbint · 26/12/2007 09:41

I'm sorry to hear that whispy. It leaves such a gap. My Gran died a year ago yesterday, I was really close to her and I still can't believe it. I thought I was going to spend the whole day in tears but I managed not to by just not letting myself think about it. It has been a funny old Christmas without her and my Grandad too who died 8 weeks later.

Sad to hear about DH's family - is life easier without them in it? It can't be pleasant for you or DH.

I suppose Christmas gives you time to think about things that you don't have time to dwell on the rest of the year. I hope you manage to enjoy bits of it - I reckon it must get easier as time goes by? xx

OP posts:

whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 10:10

Christmas without Dad is hard enough. His birthday is on the 23rd Dec too so I don't really enjoy this time of year anymore. He died in the November 05 so all in all these few weeks are pretty crap for me. But I know Dad wouldn't want me being miserable, especially for the sake of the kids, so I try to remain upbeat about it all.

The situation with DH's parents has always been there - its not new. They are the most selfish individuals I have ever come across and quite childish in some respects. Ie if they can't get their own way they seem to sulk and we won't hear from them for weeks/months. They cut their ties with us 3yrs ago - they rung and told me, in a very off-hand manner, that the kids can decide when they're older if they want to get in touch with them. I told them that was being silly but they wouldn't budge so I put the phone down. They've not bothered with us or the kids since. I agree its not easy for DH but then again they are his parents and he's never been one to stick up for himself and will always bow down to them. He only talks to them once a year when they ring on his birthday and even then its a very difficult strained conversation he has with them.

Oh well, never mind eh? xxx

smartiejake · 26/12/2007 10:54

This is not only non- standard pil behaviour, it's non standard human behaviour.
Has anyone actually told them how offensive their behaviour is?
They sound like total socila retards

smartiejake · 26/12/2007 10:55

that should read "social"

lisad123 · 26/12/2007 11:31

boho, your inlaws sound like mine. When dh first took me this see his parents his dads only comment was "she a bit short".
They bugged us about getting married but when we did it "was a bit soon"!! You dont even want to know the comments were when we told them we were pregnant.
We arent welcome in the house, they send nasty text messages and they blame me for everything.
Just think you have a lovely husband and children and dont have to see them often. good luck

whispywhisp · 26/12/2007 13:17

Good to see I'm not the only one with terrible in-laws (I call them out-laws)....

They won't text me. I texted them a few days ago to wish them a Happy Xmas and they replied to DH's phone. They call me DH's 'so called wife'. His Father has called me a 'cow' and his Mother has absolutely nothing nice to say about me at all. It's not as if I'm a horrible person either - we simply do not get on. She switches the tears on, is regularly drunk and sends DH down the guilt trip whenever he's failed to get in touch and each time he takes that trip and feels awful afterwards for failing them as their son and each time I tell him it's not his fault etc etc.

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