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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Says He can't afford a gift?

152 replies

Grumpy1818 · 09/01/2022 22:17

So, its my birthday in two weeks time. My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do I said I would be happy just getting a take away from our favourite resturant. He replied I can't afford that. Its around £35 I would say max. id been hinting about some earrings which are around £25 so I asked if he was getting me anything to which he replies 'a card' I can't afford anything with it being just Christmas which is laughable as we buy them out of the joint account and I purposely save thought the year to pay for xmas he hasn't had to use any of his own money or savings.

We have the SAME argument every year for the past 8 years. I tell him he knows when my birthday is its always fear xmas previous years I have even suggested he puts money in an envelope every month say £5/£10 to be able to do something nice.

For context we have a good household income probably a little more than average. we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. we save money every month and by no means hard up we have plenty of joint savings.

But he's saying he a bit tight on cash this month (which may be the case as we did more social events in December)but this is the same story every birthday we have had together. we have joint saving and our own separate savings. we are not rich but we are by no means poor.

AIBU To think my Husband after 8 years should be Able to save or take out of savings £60 and put it back next month etc?

OP posts:
GoodForTheSoul · 10/01/2022 11:49

OP, do you know how much he earns? Because if he contributes whatever you've agreed to the joint account, you must have a pretty good idea how much he has left.

And if he should have a good amount left and is telling you he doesn't I would suspect something along the lines of a gambling addiction.

EKGEMS · 10/01/2022 11:54

@Itshothothot How about stretching your mind into the possibility that other people are different than your personal narrow world view! I'd consider this a deal breaker and I'm not a materialistic person at all

JoanCandy · 10/01/2022 11:56

@TracyMosby

What is he like otherwise? because he sounds shit
Brilliant, agree completely.

YANBU at all. Treat yourself and sod him, OP.

billy1966 · 10/01/2022 12:11

Yuk.

8 years married to such meanness.

What a waste of a life.

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 12:17

Take money, go away for the weekend, eat out, buy the earrings.

He sounds joyless!

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 12:23

@Itshothothot

I dont understand why you need a present from him?

We dont do gifts for each other (it all comes out of the same pot anyway).

If you want something just get it yourself.

You don't understand why someone would want a present from their partner, really??

Is it really that unusual?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 12:24

Seriously you need to stop getting this man any presents. Birthday, Christmas, Father's Day - stop all of it.

user1497787065 · 10/01/2022 12:27

I make a point of telling my DH and adult DC not to bother buying me anything for my birthday and they usually comply. Why does anyone need a piece of card handed to them to wish them a happy birthday?

We have joint finances and I prefer to choose things for myself. DH would always spend far more than necessary and usually on something I wasn't over keen on.

This works well for us.

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 12:28

@user1497787065

I make a point of telling my DH and adult DC not to bother buying me anything for my birthday and they usually comply. Why does anyone need a piece of card handed to them to wish them a happy birthday? We have joint finances and I prefer to choose things for myself. DH would always spend far more than necessary and usually on something I wasn't over keen on.

This works well for us.

But it isn't working for the OP.
StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 10/01/2022 12:28

@user1497787065

I make a point of telling my DH and adult DC not to bother buying me anything for my birthday and they usually comply. Why does anyone need a piece of card handed to them to wish them a happy birthday? We have joint finances and I prefer to choose things for myself. DH would always spend far more than necessary and usually on something I wasn't over keen on.

This works well for us.

relevance?
RealBecca · 10/01/2022 12:29

Yabu because you know he's so bad with money that you continuously sub the useless bloke from your own money for xmas presents.

Yanbu to want better.

Yabu to expect better from him because he doesnt want to change.

Itshothothot · 10/01/2022 12:31

It is unusual in my family yes.

My mum and step dad don’t buy each other gifts, a few of my aunties don’t do gifts for their partner etc.

Dh was brought up never receiving a card from his mum. If his dad wasn’t into card and gifting then he would never of received anything!

Even now his brother and mum never get him a card etc for his birthday so it would never occur to him to buy someone a birthday card etc, he would just text or ring them to say happy birthday and in his eyes that enough.

I have never received a card or gift from my children for birthdays or Xmas that dh has bought on their behalf.

If I want something I just use our joint account for it and vice versa.

Itshothothot · 10/01/2022 12:32

@user1497787065

I make a point of telling my DH and adult DC not to bother buying me anything for my birthday and they usually comply. Why does anyone need a piece of card handed to them to wish them a happy birthday? We have joint finances and I prefer to choose things for myself. DH would always spend far more than necessary and usually on something I wasn't over keen on.

This works well for us.

This!!!!
Emerald5hamrock · 10/01/2022 12:33

He is unorganised, lazy and can't be bothered pleasing you.
I wouldn't buy him anything for his birthday again.

Mary46 · 10/01/2022 12:34

Find January birthdays a letdown I get very little or peoples tat. Im next week.
Hope u treat yourself op.

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 12:37

@Itshothothot

It is unusual in my family yes.

My mum and step dad don’t buy each other gifts, a few of my aunties don’t do gifts for their partner etc.

Dh was brought up never receiving a card from his mum. If his dad wasn’t into card and gifting then he would never of received anything!

Even now his brother and mum never get him a card etc for his birthday so it would never occur to him to buy someone a birthday card etc, he would just text or ring them to say happy birthday and in his eyes that enough.

I have never received a card or gift from my children for birthdays or Xmas that dh has bought on their behalf.

If I want something I just use our joint account for it and vice versa.

But you realise the vast majority of people do give and receive gifts?

99% of people have voted that OP in NBU.

Gifts aren't always things that you "need" or even know you want?

OP does want a gift and cannot understand why her DH does not bother.

Itshothothot · 10/01/2022 12:42

Her dh is obviously not into gift giving or into grand romantic gestures.

Some men or women are just like that. The op accepts him for being that way or finds someone who is into gift giving etc.

If the op dh has many other qualities then not receiving a gift etc is a minor flaw of his.

PrinnyPree · 10/01/2022 13:04

"My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do"

And then when you said you wanted a takeaway he replied no you can't have one and not to expect anything but a card and no gift?

Why did he ask you what you wanted, just to be a cruel bastard?

Really sorry OP Flowers

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 10/01/2022 13:16

Spend what you would usually spend on his birthday on yourself and just get him a card for his birthday.

Natty13 · 10/01/2022 13:19

You've been tolerating this for 8 years, why would he change now when he knows you will keep taking it for 9, 10, 11...the rest of your life?

Put your foot down. It's not on to have absolutely fuck all for your birthday.

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 13:20

@Itshothothot

Her dh is obviously not into gift giving or into grand romantic gestures.

Some men or women are just like that. The op accepts him for being that way or finds someone who is into gift giving etc.

If the op dh has many other qualities then not receiving a gift etc is a minor flaw of his.

Or he sees it's important to her and steps up?
BoredZelda · 10/01/2022 13:56

I hope you find a similar flimsy excuse not to get him a birthday gift. After all, he's made it clear they aren't important to him.

bembridge11 · 10/01/2022 13:59

What an awful husband. Poor you. You clearly aren't valued by him at all.

FlasherMcGruff · 10/01/2022 22:23

I can hardly believe what I’m reading here. OP, this is outrageous. You have a joint account where you say that you deposit your above-average earnings and you also have savings. Money is not ridiculously tight. Despite this, he saves nothing to buy Christmas presents and nothing for your birthday? Not even £2.91 a month to buy his own wife a £35 gift once a year? And this has been the case for eight years?! He’s an absolute disgrace. So unbelievably selfish, mean, tight and thoughtless. Get him nothing for his next birthday and Christmas. See how he likes that.

marmaduke888 · 10/01/2022 22:25

What a meanie!