Husband Says He can't afford a gift?

[Grumpy1818]

So, its my birthday in two weeks time. My husband asked me about my birthday and asked what I wanted to do I said I would be happy just getting a take away from our favourite resturant. He replied I can't afford that. Its around £35 I would say max. id been hinting about some earrings which are around £25 so I asked if he was getting me anything to which he replies 'a card' I can't afford anything with it being just Christmas which is laughable as we buy them out of the joint account and I purposely save thought the year to pay for xmas he hasn't had to use any of his own money or savings.

We have the SAME argument every year for the past 8 years. I tell him he knows when my birthday is its always fear xmas previous years I have even suggested he puts money in an envelope every month say £5/£10 to be able to do something nice.

For context we have a good household income probably a little more than average. we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. we save money every month and by no means hard up we have plenty of joint savings.

But he's saying he a bit tight on cash this month (which may be the case as we did more social events in December)but this is the same story every birthday we have had together. we have joint saving and our own separate savings. we are not rich but we are by no means poor.

AIBU To think my Husband after 8 years should be Able to save or take out of savings £60 and put it back next month etc?

He doesn't give a shit.

I hope you're making no more effort for him.

Is his name Ebenezer Scrooge?

I would certainly say the same thing to him when his turn comes around. This reminds me of the thread (I think it was here) where the husband spent a LOT of money on gifts for coworkers and friends, and almost nothing on his wife. His excuse was "those people are important to me," which kinda says it all.

I've never said this before but LTB. He sounds nothing short of horrendous.

I'm in the minority I think here, but my DP bought me a present for my 21st, and then for my 40th last year. Not even a card for the 21st or the 40th, or inbetween 😂 (I love him for his attitude about unnecessary waste and his 'I'd rather a pint than a card mentality'). I'm happy if he says happy birthday tbh. He is far from tight, we have joint finances and neither of us are really bothered about birthdays or Christmas. We like giving to others, but due to presents coming out of our joint bank account, we'd rather buy ourselves what we want when we want/need.

I did buy myself a few presents from him one Christmas, wrapped them, and wrote hyperbole pleasantries about me (from him) on each of the presents 🤣. He found it quite funny and I loved it!

Sorry, my point was that maybe you could treat yourself rather than wonder if your DH will get you something. It'll probably be better than what he gets you anyway :).

My birthday is February. I hate it. Myself and my bf, whose birthday is in January, always talk about having a faux summer birthday party. If the Queen can have 2, why can't we.

YANBU OP, what a miser.

Treat yourself for your birthday. Can you go out for dinner with a friend? Or have one round for a takeaway and bottle of wine?

And buy the earrings out of the joint account.

What do you do for his?

You say you have joint and individual savings, but he claims to have no money.

Either he's spent all his on himself, or he has money but he doesn't think you're worth the cost of a takeaway and some modestly priced earrings.

@Babdoc

He sounds a miserly shit. When it comes round to his next birthday tell him you can’t afford a present for him either. Assuming you haven’t dumped the bugger by then.

and buy yourself something extravagant around the time of his birthday to press the poin home, assuming you're still together by then.

So basically he can’t be arsed getting you anything.

He sounds useless
How hard is it to buy you a birthday present?! Not likely to change though after 8 years

YABU for thinking it would suddenly be different after so many years. He sounds useless.

There's nothing more unattractive and pathetic than an inept man. Is he honestly incapable of putting aside a bit of cash for a birthday present. What does he do for a living that he doesn't even have a few spare quid after paying the bills. That's not even a credible excuse.

Move your birth to feb

@FireMeetGasoline

I'm in the minority I think here, but my DP bought me a present for my 21st, and then for my 40th last year. Not even a card for the 21st or the 40th, or inbetween 😂 (I love him for his attitude about unnecessary waste and his 'I'd rather a pint than a card mentality'). I'm happy if he says happy birthday tbh. He is far from tight, we have joint finances and neither of us are really bothered about birthdays or Christmas. We like giving to others, but due to presents coming out of our joint bank account, we'd rather buy ourselves what we want when we want/need.

I did buy myself a few presents from him one Christmas, wrapped them, and wrote hyperbole pleasantries about me (from him) on each of the presents 🤣. He found it quite funny and I loved it!

But that isn’t what the OP thinks, so your experience/feeling is not helpful. She sees him getting a thoughtful gift as important. After 8 years, he should be doing so if he cares about her. To say they earn above average salaries and have savings means he can afford it but can’t be bothered.

I totally get your point OP. Sometimes it's just knowing that they have taken the time to.think about you for a moment. It can be very hard feeling unappreciated and especially if he's someone that doesn't profess his feelings very often, you need those little moment's to be shown that you are loved and appreciated.
You are well within your rights to feel.hurt by this and he probably needs it spelling out that this is something that you feel very strongly about. It's not about being materialistic, but about being shown that he cares.
My family are very big on gift giving and my husbands are not, so.thisnis something that has reared its head here too. I told him and it did get better. Not quite to the level that I do for him, and he always asks me to choose what I want, there's never any surprises, but it has got better. (That said, he forgot to order my Christmas present this year despite me reminding him and then fibbed blaming a cancelled payment as the reason for it being late....yeah right...you just forgot to do it....thanks!)

I have a February birthday and My exDH did this.
Glad I got outta that bullshit 13 year relationship.
Its very telling, the kind of person that only needs to forward plan for 1 event a year (maybe 2 if you include mothers day or a kids birthday), and they still use the Christmas excuse.
I remember having the exact argument with my ex, he said he needed to borrow money from ME to get me something or it meant I wouldn't get anything at all. Ludicrous
I have neices who's bdays are NYE and 4th Jan and I manage to get both Xmas present and birthday present every year for them!

Why did he ask you what you wanted to do if he was just going to say no anyway? To me that’s doubly cruel.

@pinkfondu

Move your birth to feb

🤣

He is ignoring your feelings OP, which shows he doesn't care about them. Birthdays may not be important to him, but they are to you he should know this by now.
If he does know but didmisses your feelings then he is not a very pleasant individual.
How is he in other areas of your life? Supportive? Does his fair share on the domestic front? Makes and wants to spend time with you?

Lazy slob.
Buy yourself a gift and order a takeaway dinner.
Tell him this is what will be happening going forward and he can organise his own birthday gift and dinner in the future too.
Happy Birthday!

Op, you know he can 'afford' to both buy you the earrings and get a bloody takeaway ! So why ask ?

It's simply that he doesn't want to spend money on you.

He could take it out of savings.
He could budget for your birthday earlier.
He could use the joint money if he wanted to.

He simply doesn't want to, because he doesn't think you're worth spending any cash on, or because he doesn't think your birthday is as important as his, or because he thinks you don't 'deserve' it etc etc

Only you will be able to decide the why.

Better yet, only you get to decide if you're willing to 'put up with' it !

@koalacat

Also he is abusive. He consciously and deliberately wants you to feel worthless. Of course he’s got £60. What a bastard.

This. See it for what it is OP. He's telling you you're not worth a takeaway and £25 earrings.